Actual questions submitted by actual
Actual answers provided by This Moron.
Effective May 2003, answers will
be provided in the Daily Briefing.
There will be no further updates to this page.
But you may still submit your questions to Question@JustMorons.com
|Note: You may also check the archive..|
|Nycap.rr.com: How come
whenever I'm at work I have a question for you, and then when I get home--I'm too drunk to
remember? (Don't say it's because my job sucks--I already know that.)
|I'm going to pass over this question for the time being and come back to it when I'm drunk.|
|Msn.com: My dad is a
Sunday school teacher at our church. His next sunday school lesson has to do with how many
people die every day. I have searched absolutely everywhere. No one seems to
have an answer as to how many people in the United States die every day. All I need
is an average of the latest information. If you have anything concerning this
question I would be pleased to receive it.
|Your father should not be conducting Sunday
school lessons that deal with death. Death is an unpleasant subject that most people
prefer to ignore or deny.
Please ask your father to consider more enjoyable subjects, such as bowling, phrenology, or fruit.
|Navy.mil: Why is it that
every time I look in a mirror, I feel like I'm being watched?
|Because you're in the Navy. Of course
you're being watched, sometimes even when you're not looking in the mirror.
(But you're only being watched with admiration from here. Thank you for protecting our country!)
|Exotrope.com: Who kicks
ass; UNIX (and derivatives) or Windows? What OS should a true moron use?
|Semi-colons are often mistakenly used in the
place of colons and commas. I recommend H.W. Fowler's Dictionary of Modern Usage
or Strunk & White's Elements of Style.
Or The Chicago Manual of Style. Whatever.
A true moron should use rounded Os wherever practicable to distinguish them from zeroes (0s). This avoids confusion, something the true moron already has enough of.
(Also see Fowler for prepositions as something to end a sentence with.)
|Dakotajackson.com: Why do
monkeys like Bananas?
|Monkeys do not share the intellectual capacity
of their evolutionary superiors and therefore have a hard time appreciating the subtle
humor and wry irony of Woody Allen's later films. The Chekhovian nuances of Hannah
and Her Sisters, Deconstructing Harry, and Alice, for example, are completely lost on
Allen's earlier works, like Bananas, Sleeper, and Take the Money and Run, with their straightforward storylines and slapstick sensibilities, have tremendous appeal to the hairy, red-assed inmates of the Monkey House.
They also seem to like Annie Hall.
|Nycap.rr.com: Why is the
guy in the cubicle next to mine so freaking annoying?
|The Unger-Madison Law of Cubicle Distribution
states that adjoining cubicles must be occupied by incompatible personalities. It is
an unbreakable law, and do not be fooled by what appear to be exceptions. Occupants
of adjoining cubicles who seem not to be annoying one another are in fact gradually
destroying one another from the inside out.
If the guy in the cubicle next to you were not annoying, your organization would be in violation of Natural Law, which could bring about a rift in the space-time continuum and send all of us into a parallel universe in which, for example, human beings had been enslaved by giant cheeses.
|Mac.com: When I bend over
everything goes dark. I was wondering whether it's because there's something wrong with me
or that everything really is dark but you only see it properly when you bend over?
|Don't worry. The darkeness is is merely
the result of either (a) excessive blood rushing to your head, (b) a small blood clot that
will eventually cause a fatal aneurysm, or (c) a terminal brain tumor. None of these
conditions will seriously affect me.
|Columbia.edu: Why is
Immanuel Kant such a dipshit? (Been saving that question since graduation.)
|Immanuel Kant was not a dipshit. He was
the inventor of the Categorical Imperative.
If you'd ever tasted a Categorical Imperative-- try it on the rocks with a little extra tequila--you wouldn't speak this way about its inventor.
I have and I know I. Kant.
|Yahoo.com: Does King Kong
own a castle?
||King Kong doesn't own anything. He's dead.
Even if he were still alive, who'd write him a mortgage?
|Aol.com: If my sister happens to have a wart-like thing on her back, shouldn't she ask Freddy to tie some dental floss tightly around it to cut off the blood supply so it could at least turn black and fall off?||I can't answer this question properly without
knowing Freddy, but I'm troubled by the phrasing of your question. If Freddy's
assistance is being solicited so that this growth might "at least turn black and fall
off," I have to wonder what you're hoping for at best.
Because even at best there aren't that many exciting outcomes for wart-like things deprived of blood.
|Sbcglobal.net: Why do birds fly south? Is it because of the weather or it's too far to walk?||Birds, like people, fly south for many reasons.
Some fly south for business, some for recreation, still others to foment revolution
in the unstable nations of the southern hemisphere.
Birds are perfectly capable of walking, but are much less likely to be devoured by cats while airborne. Unless cats make unexpectedly rapid strides in their aerospace technology, you can therefore expect to see birds flying south into the foreseeable future.
|Superaje.com: Is it true that if you put a few drops of Visine in someone's drink they will get the shits? (Did not want to try it in case of injury.)||A few drops of Visine taken orally can indeed
cause what medical professionals refer to as "the shits." But the hilarity
doesn't end there: Visine contains contains tetrahydrozoline, which can also cause
respiratory problems, coma, vomiting, and death.
A light dinner followed by a lot of beer will produce the same hilarious gastroenterological effects, while at the same time making those around you more interesting and better looking.
|Yahoo.com: If Pennies
fall from heaven, then why am I always so broke?
|Pennies don't fall from Heaven, so you're probably broke because you ain't been fixed. Consult a qualified neutering professional.|
|Comcast.net: What is the
birthday of the great Chicago Bear running back Gayle Sayers?
|Gayle Sayers was born on May 3, 1943, in Wichita
Kansas. He played for the Chicago Bears from 1965 to 1971. In his rookie year,
he scored 22 touchdowns. He led the NFL in rushing yards in 1966 and 1969. His
six rushing touchdowns against San Francisco in 1965 remain an NFL record.
|Yahoo.com: How much does
a Phlebotomist get paid per litre of blood?
|I will not longer be fooled by trick questions.
Phlebotomists, sometimes referred to as "blood nurses" or
"venepuncturists," are not paid by the litre. They are paid by the pint,
like the rest of us.
|Cox.net: How many days
since 1940 has Labor Day fallen on the 2nd. of Sept?
|It's been 62 years since 1940. There are
seven days in a week. Labor Day is always on a Monday. Leap years have more
days than non-leap years. You do the math.
|Apcdmail.co.za: Are all
the presidents and kings and queens and important people on the earth just reptilian
aliens from the Dog Star (Sirius) who are here to alter our genes and wreck havoc on
mankind until we realise it and break free from the mind control we have been placed under
and use our full capacity as light and energy beings to expand our consciousness beyond
the realms we know?
|We are not being subjected to mind control.
We are not being subjected to mind control. We are not being subjected to
And don't call it the "Dog Star." It's demeaning.
|Rcn.com: Why aren't there
more Q&A? I want to read more.
||People haven't been asking many questions
lately, and even when they do they tend to ask why there aren't more answers.
All such questions are ignored.
|Ncrgh.com: Which day of
the week is February 17, 1975?
Three minutes later: Which day of
the week is 17th February, 1975?
|The 17th of February, 1975, was a Monday.
I say that with some certainty because that was the year my best friend turned thirteen on
a Saturday and his birthday was, and still is, February 15th. I remember that
because my own birthday is exactly a month after his, and (leap years excepted) always
occurs on the same day of the week You just don't forget turning thirteen on a
Or maybe you do. In that case, Excel will tell you the day of the week if you enter the following formula:
Actually, if you enter that formula, you'll only get the day of the week for February 17, 1975, but you never know when such information might prove useful. It just proved useful for me, so I'm going to save it.
|Mother-ease.com: How much
of this stuff you are putting on this site is actually true?
|If you take a look at the new Table of Contents, you'll notice that I've developed a new motto:
Omnes nisi veritas. I'm not one of those snooty bastards that thinks
everything has to be in Latin, but it seemed appropriately moronic to have a motto in a
language nobody speaks.
(Contrary to what you may heave heard, Latin is not the official language of pedophilia. That would be Pig Latin.)
Once I decided to have a Latinate motto (Latinate is English for Latin), I did the usual amount of research to come up with a phrase that was clever and frivolous and composed primarily of short words that would be easy to conjugate and decline. (Latin nouns have been declining, many of them painfully, ever since the fall of Rome.)
After several painstaking hours of surfing the web I finally acquired enough pictures of beautiful naked women to invent a motto.
It is probably declined incorrectly and worded sideways or backwards, but I like it. Veritas is good. I think there's some kind of law about using veritas in mottos--in fact, I'm sure there is. I'll go look it up right now.
(As to what the motto means, I forget, but your answer is probably in there somewhere.)
|Aol.com: Where does the
bread go after the toast pops up in the toaster?
|This question of trans-substantiation has been
debated for eons. Cave paintings suggest that primitive man was baffled by the process
(although, as usual, he seems to have blamed primitive woman for his confusion).
Socrates believe that all bread was innately toast and that the application of heat merely brought out the "toastness" of the bread, whereas Aristotle believed toast was merely bread devoid of its "breadness."
In the early years of Christianity there was strong debate within the church as to whether bread and toast were one or whether they were separate; this ultimately led to the split between eastern and western churches and bakeries.
Scientific examination of the process in post-Enlightenment Europe finally revealed that when subjected to heat things get warm, and that as they're warmed they either get soft and mushy (butter, cheese, chocolate) or brittle and crunchy (bread, meat, witches).
The Existentialists of the last century insisted that "breadness" was entirely subjective and denied the existence of toast. More recently, post-modern deconstructionists have argued that toast is any bread used by the privileged to subjugate the masses.
|Aol.com: Who came up with
the word "farts" and why do we call them "farts?"
|The word "farts" was coined by the
very same Anglo-Saxon witticist who came up with "fart," derived from
"ferten" or "farten." Most linguists believe the term was
originally intended to convey the sound made by a fart, which raises interesting questions
about the digestive apparatus of Anglo-Saxons and linguists.
I can't speak for everyone, but I call them farts because that's what everyone else seems to call them, and who the hell am I to argue?
The average healthy human farts sixteen times per day, mostly in their sleep.
|Yahoo.com: The years
1980-1989 were called "the eighties." The years 1990-1999 were called
"the nineties." What do we call the current decade?
|The current decade.|
|Globalnet.co.uk: Are you
going to answer this question no?
|Aol.com: If Adam and Eve
were indeed the first man and woman on earth, and their offspring were Cane (or perhaps
Cain... I'm not sure) and Able (again, could be Abel)... Surely, for mankind to continue
its existence incestuous relationships would have to have taken place, which is surely a
sin in itself?
|Adam and Eve were an unmarried couple evicted
from their only home because of their disgusting personal habits. They raised two
sons out of wedlock, one of whom murdered the other. Would incest really be so
surprising in this family?
And yet renowned Bible scholar Sir Richard Furtooth points out that, in Genesis 4:16-17, Cain moves to the land of Nod and has sex with his wife (whence the expression "nodding off"). The relevance of this observation is lost on me.
|Yahoo.com: How can I get
a copy of the "Six Minute Iliad" film? Does such a thing actually exist?
|Such a thing does not yet exist, but as the weather improves you'll be seeing a lot of epic additions to the Moron Films collection.|
|Yahoo.com: What does the
Farmer's Almanac predict about the weather on June 9, 2001?
|I can't answer for the Farmer's Almanac, but the
Moron's Almanac predicts bitter cold, gusting winds, and plenty of snow in the higher
elevations of the Himalayas.
|Home.com: Do you like
pie? If so, what kind?
||I'm assuming you've posed this question in the
philosophical rather than the ecclesiastical sense. I've always agreed with the
sentiment expressed by Plato in The Republic, when he has Socrates say,
"pumpkin pie rocks my ass." But it's hard to knock Sartre's proposition
that "we are all imprisoned in dungeons of flesh, and our only window to the infinite
is apple pie." (It sounds even better in French.)
Also, I can't stand mincemeat.
you didn't have an answer, I thought I'd let you know that Stan Laurel isn't Clint
Eastwood's dad. Clint Eastwood's dad is Clint Eastwood, Sr.
||Clint Eastwood's Dad is Clint Eastwood, Sr.|
|Hotmail.com: Why do I have sudden urges to call people, and myself, Peter when my real name is Matt?||It's called the Peter Principle. Consult a
|Hotmail.com: If it's
nacho cheese, whose is it?
|If it's nacho cheese, it must be mine.|
|Yahoo.com: If you call a
person from Wisconsin a Wisconsinite, what do you call a person from New Hampshire?
|I grew up in Massachusetts, so I've called people from New Hampshire a lot of things. Don't get me started.|
|Core.com: Why are wrong
numbers never busy?
|Wrong numbers are in fact a subset of the
mathematical set of "imaginary numbers" (such as i, the square root of
-1). They're never busy because, being imaginary, they don't get asked out much.
|Private to Saltash.cornwall.sch.uk:||Duct tape should work just fine, but you'll want
to shave around the area first--unless that's how you cut it off to begin with.
|Hotmail.com: What is the origin of cow tipping and how do you do it?||There's nothing special about cow tipping.
Here in the states, it's usually about 15-20% of the full cost of the meal, taxes
inclusive. In Europe cows aren't tipped at all. The practice varies widely
throughout the rest of the world.
I wouldn't lose much sleep worrying about it, however, because very few cows are waiters. The few who are are probably paid well enough not to need the extra income.
|Cornwall.sch.uk: I am currently hiding from the police for burning my mother's monkey. I am stuck in a cupboard with my computer and I need a cunning escape plan. Help! I await your answer with baited breath.||It's been about a week since I received your
email, so by now you've either starved to death, been arrested, or developed your own
cunning plan of escape, but please remember that it's bated breath, not baited
breath. (It's short for abated.)
|Hotmail.com: Why do they sterilize a needle for lethal injection?||If they weren't sterilized, there'd be a risk of
|Core.com: Why does night fall, and day break?||Night is said to fall because that's what the
sun does at the end of the day. It falls at considerable speed and gathers momentum
all night, until at last it smashes into the following day, which then breaks.
|Netscape.net: In what
time zone is the geographic north pole? And is the south pole in the same time zone?
|If I were standing on the geographic north pole,
I think knowing the local time zone would be the least of my goddam problems.
|Aol.com: The question
being made of meat made me wonder: Are humans made of white meat like chicken, or are we made of red meat like beef? Or maybe are we somewhere in between like pork?
|Humans are made of red meat meat, white meat,
dark meat, light meat. Chewy, gristley, in-one-bite meat. Good meat, bad meat,
squishy green meat. Fun meat, sad meat, good-for-your-spleen meat. Sour meat,
sweet meat, you-are-what-you-eat meat.
But the aftertaste is kind of like chicken.
|Blast.net: Why am I more
tired in the morning after a night's sleep than I am before I go to sleep at all?
||There are three possibilities: (1) you suffer
from a rare and sometimes fatal sleeping disorder I'm not qualified to discuss, (2) you're
overexerting yourself in your dreams, or (3) you're a bloodthirsty werewolf sneaking out
at night and satiating your taste for human flesh.
Best of luck with your condition.
|Aol.com: How do you spell
the phonetic alphabet?
|Wcom.com: If a man says
he is lying, is he lying or is he telling the truth?
|It depends on the guy. The best way to
tell whether a man's telling the truth is to ask yourself if his penis would agree.
If the answer is yes, he's being honest. If the answer is no, he's lying. If
you don't know enough about his penis to extrapolate its opinions, you're on your own.
|Ameritech.net: No matter when,
where, or what we are doing, we are always directly over the center of the earth QED.
|If I remember any of the Latin I failed in high
school, QED stands for quod erat demonstrandum, literally translated as
"that which was to be proved," but probably better paraphrased as "so
there." Unless it's part of that whole XYZ PDQ thing, in which case I have no
idea what you're talking about.
Anyway, that wasn't a question. This isn't Jeopardy. Save it for the kids at Mensa.
|Sataym.net.in: Could you
email me some information on strange/Lorenz atttractors and their computer simulation in C
|Strange attractors are the peculiar things that compel us to sleep with inappropriate partners--for example, Mai Tais.|
|Gtsgraphics.com: I have looked all over. I need some facts on record breaking heat in certain cities (Monrovia and Burbank, California) in the summertime. Please help.||Weather is the opposite of sex: the less weather
people have, the less they talk about it.
You're clearly suffering from WDS (Weather Deprivation Syndrome). I'm glad you've acknowledged that you need help--that's the first step toward recovery. Contact a mental health professional, a clergyperson, or an amicable bartender as soon as possible.
|Aol.com: Is it true Chile
is best eaten hot? I was told this from a source that I trust. Surely one
could not consume the whole of Chile, due to it being a rather large country?
|Actually, Chile the country is not the same as
chili the spicy stew. They're spelled differently. It's hard to imagine how
you could have made such an obvious mistake when there's a country called Turkey.
|Sys-x.com: If the Summer
Solstice occurs on June 21st in the Northern Hemisphere, why is August warmer than June?
And why is February colder than December during Winter Solstice?
|To remove candle drippings from fabric or other delicate surfaces, cover the drippings with some damp paper towels and run a hot iron over them. This will melt the wax, which will then stick to the paper towels.|
|Stratos.net: Most people
my age are dead. Why?
|Sadly, most people of every age are dead.|
|Northnet.org: Did Adam
(of the Adam and Eve story) have a bellybutton?
|If you're a fundamentalist and believe that Adam
was created by God from a heap of clay, then it shouldn't take a whole lot of extra effort
to go the extra mile and imagine God starting him off with a belly button.
If you're not a fundamentalist and you don't believe the whole Creation story, then there's really no point to the question.
|Aol.com: If we are not
meant to eat animals, then why are they made of meat?
|They're made out of meat so we can eat them,
provided they're not cute. We're not supposed to eat the cute ones. Cute,
however, is a relative term. We don't eat a whole lot of puppy kabobs or roast
stuffed kitten here in America, but in less American countries cat and dog are consumed
with relish (and mustard, and ketchup, etc).
We ourselves are made out of meat, but cannibalism (the eating of meat from animals that walk around and shoot their mouths off) is generally discouraged. Jonathan Swift wrote an excellent essay on the subject.
|Aol.com: Are you a male?
(2 minutes, 58 seconds later): So why is it that a person who is from a different part of the country speaks with a strong accent but sings with none?
|Yes. Questions this easy to research are
Strange rural people who speak with strong accents aren't the only ones who sing with none. Many people, including myself, especially myself, have such horrifying voices that they have no choice but to sing with none. And even if we try to sing with many, or even some, they very quickly dwindle down to few, then none.
|Ev1.net: I want to know
why the fish called 'croakers' croak, and how.
|The croaker fish is of the family Sciaenidae.
The source of their croaking sounds has baffled modern science for thousands of years. Many primitive cultures considered their croaking a harbinger of evil. These cultures have long since been wiped off the face of the earth, so they may have been on to something.
|Aol.com: How long could
one survive consuming only one's own waste, and the occasional butter cookie?
|Probably just a little longer than one would want to.|
|Columbus.rr.com: Why do I
always find myself coming back to this website and asking you more moronic questions?
(1 minute, 1 second later): Why can't you just admit that you don't know the answer?
|I don't know.
|Aol.com: Why do farts
(41 seconds later): When you take a dump, how come it smells? It doesn't smell when you eat the food.
|These are excellent and important
questions. Unfortunately, I'm in the middle of migrating the Moron Studio and all my books are in boxes. This makes it hard just to get at my reference books, let alone ignore them.
However, the application of some Aristotelian logic should cast some light on this issue.
Fact: the food that we put in our mouths does not smell like farts or shit.
Fact: farts and shit do in fact smell like farts and shit.
Therefore: in passing through our digestive systems, pleasant smelling food is somehow made to reek.
Applying Occam's Razor to this conundrum, we get a smooth, close shave. After the shave we slap on some lotion, if we're in that kind of mood, or maybe we just finish dressing and head out the door. Either way, there's nothing like the feeling of cool, fresh morning air on a just-shaved face. It makes me feel good enough to forget all about those nagging little things I've been meaning to get to.
|Stratos.net: Where does
the light go when you turn it off? And is the darkness faster than light, since it
seems to catch up with the light when you do turn it off?
|Fungal growth beneath the toenails is very common, and nothing to be ashamed of. It can be readily eliminated by regular cleaning and trimming of the toenails. If the condition persists, consult a bartender.|
|Columbus.rr.com: If a chronic liar says he's a chronic liar, should I believe him?||Believe everyone, all the time, no matter what
the circumstance. Or find another website.
|Capitalcrossing.com: How can I
tell Jean Simmons and Gene Simmons apart? Or are they really the same person?
||Gene Simmons is a righty.|
|Msn.com: If you slurp spaghetti for a long time, will your eyes get reaaaaaaaaaaaally big, like on the commercials?||I don't think I'm seeing the same commercials
you are. But given the average lung capacity and the average length of a strand of
spaghetti, I'd say enlargement of the eyes is less likely a product of spaghetti slurping
than a symptom of hyperventilation.
(And I think it's spelled reeeeeeeeeeeeally.)
|Columbus.rr.com: What is an 808?||It's either half of a 1616 or four 202s.
Proceed with caution.
|Bbc.net: Is it better to
be a moron or a whiz?
|This is one of those questions I think we all
grapple with. Cleverness and foolishness both have their virtues and their vices,
and they're the most frequently recurring themes in human history.
But as soon as I begin to formulate an answer to your question, I realize I first have to take a step back and answer the question it implies, which itself implies another question that must be addressed, and so on, and so forth, until I'm forced to have a drink and move on to the next question.
can I get tape goo off my scissors without hurting myself?
|The most important thing right now is that you
hold on to your self-esteem. Life has its ups and downs, and none of us makes it
through the whole long masquerade without bottoming out now and then... the critical
thing, as Cicero observed, is to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start over
When you go "cow tipping", do you actually tip a cow over?
|When I go cow tipping, the cows don't come
anywhere near getting tipped over. Painful experience has taught me that
the secret to successful cow tipping is to remember this simple little couplet:
best to scorn
Should I trust the fungus? I think I should.
|If you're asking an avowed moron whether you
should trust something that spends its life in the dark and thrives on a diet of shit, you
may want to consult a physician.
If you're looking for some advice on the consumption of hallucinogens, I'll have to defer your question until I'm done running for president.
Ah, hell. Trust the fungus. I did, and look how I turned out.
I thought people sit with their mouths open so that they won't have to listen. Is
this not true?
|This may also be true. Please update your manuals appropriately.|
Microphones does it take to make one megaphone?
Cards does it take to make two decacards?
Fish does it take to make on microfiche?
Lavatories does it take to make one demijohn?
Pins does it take to make one terrapin?
Rations does it take to make two C-rations?
Centipedes does it take to make one millipede?
Mockingbirds does it take to make two kilomockingbirds?
Tridents does it take to make one decadent?
Monograms does it take to make two diagrams?
Wharves in a pardox?
|I'll never come up with answers as good as the questions...|
Suppose I had a big oral report due tomorrow. It's been assigned for a
week, and I just decided to start on it a few minutes ago. What do I do when I get
up there to talk and don't know what to say (other than stick my head between my legs and
kiss my butt goodbye)?
|Although it would have been news to me while I
was failing out of math and science in high school, teachers are only human. As
such, they can not only be fooled, but persuaded to enjoy being fooled. Unless
you're stuck with one of those nasty old stick-in-the-mud classicists who still values
content over form, I recommend you follow these six simple steps to effective and
1. Talk about what you know. This is not just good advice to young writers, it is the golden rule of not being considered an idiot. People will often assume you're no stupider than they are until you prove otherwise. This is especially true of teachers. If you don't know anything about the subject you're supposed to address, choose a new subject on the fly and present it forcefully and confidently.
2. Speak in a calm, friendly, humorous manner. Everyone can smell fear, and nothing will do more harm to your presentation than letting your audience think you are wavering, doubtful, or confused. Even if you find yourself saying the most asinine thing, the world will be kind to you if you say it convincingly, and will ignore what you're saying altogether if you can make them laugh while you're saying it. Watch C-Span for pointers.
3. Look good. Appearances are judged according to principles of comparison. Make sure you are the best-dressed presenter, that you have the best props (see below), and that your hygiene is exemplary. If anyone else looks better than you, try to spill something on them before they speak, or tell them they've got something between their teeth. This will diminish their confidence, and you will come off as superior.
4. Use props. Props are useful not because they help communicate your message, but because people would rather do almost anything than risk eye contact with you while you're up there. Even if you have no idea what you're talking about, just waving a bit of chalk in the air can be a source of great relief to your audience. And remember: their relief is your triumph.
5. Annihilate your competition. While others are speaking, stare directly at them. Cough. Blow your nose. Shuffle some papers. Anything you can do to make them look less competent, less composed, and less together than you will work to your advantage.
6. Allow no questions. If you can speak engagingly long enough, you can eliminate the time available for questions altogether. If questions cannot be avoided, do this: listen carefully to the first question. Ask the questioner to repeat it. Rephrase it and ask them if that's what they mean. Tell them you think that's an interesting question, but that there are a lot of nuances you don't want to overlook. String them along like this until time is up.
(same guy): Why is it that older computers, such as my 386DX, counted RAM
twice when they started up, and newer ones, such as my P200, only count RAM once?
|We all reflect more on the past as we get older.|
Are there any vegetarian cheetahs?
|Not for long.|
|Columbus.rr.com: Can someone die from
boredom? [One minute and twenty- seven seconds later:] Was
Chris Rock born funny, or did he have to train to be funny?
|Sometimes it's important to listen to ourselves.
When we ask ourselves if it's possible to die of boredom, then find ourselves
wondering about Chris Rock, it's time to seek help.
|Dashmail.net: When was video
invented? And who?
|The cathode ray tube was invented in 1878 by
William Crookes. Motion pictures were invented in 1890 by William Friese-Green.
The loudspeaker was invented in 1898 by Horace Short. Motion picture sound
was invented in 1906 by Eugen Augustin Lauset. Television was invented in 1926 by
John Logie Baird, C.F. Jenkins, and D. Mihaly. (Mr. Baird parlayed this into the
color television in 1928.) The home video recorder was invented in 1964 by Sony, but
was probably of limited use until 1969, when they invented the videotape cassette.
|Hotmail.com: What sound does a nuclear bomb
make? Boom? [Fifty-two seconds later:] How about an atom bomb?
|A healthy nuclear or atomic bomb should be quiet
at all times. If you've got one that's making some noise, I'd recommend that you
establish some distance between the two of you.
Someone told me that when a lake is calm, it means it's low tide. Is there
any truth to that?
|Why would someone lie to you? Why come
running to me when someone's already given you a perfectly good explanation for something?
Don't you trust them? Can you imagine what it would do to their self-esteem
if they realized you were out confirming their statement? What would happen to
civilization if we all tried corroborating every little fact that came our way? How
would they write the news?
Trust everyone. Believe everything. Doubt nothing. And hold onto your wallet. This is the secret to a long, healthy life.
Why is it that in cartoons they always say people can sing better in the bathroom?
|They have been saying all sorts of things since
well before you were born. They say what they want to, when they want to. They
speak on any subject they like, and their word is law. The sooner you realize this,
the sooner you'll fit in with the rest of us. Stop making trouble.
Re: Louisiana Purchase. Why did we bother with such a state? People
here are 'just morons'!
|Louisiana has no monopoly on morons, but it does have Mardi Gras. That's more than you can say for a lot of other states. For example, Nebraska.|
|Yahoo.com: Is it possible to liquefy a hot dog?||Contrary to what you may have heard from the
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, it is possible to liquefy dogs in almost any
weather, although I suppose it would only makes things easier if they were hot to begin
Is Marilyn Manson the same person who played Paulie in "The Wonder
Years"? Someone told me that and I am just checking to see if you know if it's
P.S. I think Marilyn Manson is a moron.
|The fact is, we could all use a lot more fiber
in our diets, we don't eat enough vegetables, and we're not getting any younger.
Try to focus on the positive, and don't let criticism get you down. No one's going to be harder on you than you are on yourself, and there's no point crying over spilled milk.
Life is a state of mind.
Is the pond deeper in the middle, or when it rains?
|It depends on the pond. Some ponds are
much deeper by their banks; these are called convex ponds, and are notable for
their absence on dry land. These tend to be deeper when it rains. Concave
ponds, on the other hand, frequently spill over when it rains, thereby becoming shallower,
resulting in comparably deeper deepness in periods of non-rain.
Why do people set with their mouths open?
|I wanted to correct the wording of this question
in order to answer it as accurately as possible; the writer probably intended to ask
either why people sit with their mouths open or why they eat with their
mouths open, but almost certainly never intended to inquire about people's setting
habits. To cover all the bases, I've decided to answer both possible questions.
People eat with their mouths open because it's difficult to get food into a closed mouth.
People sit with their mouths open for a number of reasons: because they are yawning, because they have lockjaw, because someone has stepped upon their toes, or, most often, because they are simply tired of standing with their mouths open.
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