Please ask your father to consider more enjoyable subjects, such as bowling, phrenology, or fruit.

(But you're only being watched with admiration from here.  Thank you for protecting our country!)

Or The Chicago Manual of Style.   Whatever.

A true moron should use rounded Os wherever practicable to distinguish them from zeroes (0s).  This avoids confusion, something the true moron already has enough of.

(Also see Fowler for prepositions as something to end a sentence with.)

Allen's earlier works, like Bananas, Sleeper, and Take the Money and Run, with their straightforward storylines and slapstick sensibilities, have tremendous appeal to the hairy, red-assed inmates of the Monkey House.

They also seem to like Annie Hall.

If the guy in the cubicle next to you were not annoying, your organization would be in violation of Natural Law, which could bring about a rift in the space-time continuum and send all of us into a parallel universe in which, for example, human beings had been enslaved by giant cheeses.

If you'd ever tasted a Categorical Imperative-- try it on the rocks with a little extra tequila--you wouldn't speak this way about its inventor.

I have and I know I. Kant.

Not me.

Because even at best there aren't that many exciting outcomes for wart-like things deprived of blood.

Birds are perfectly capable of walking, but are much less likely to be devoured by cats while airborne.  Unless cats make unexpectedly rapid strides in their aerospace technology, you can therefore expect to see birds flying south into the foreseeable future.

A light dinner followed by a lot of beer will produce the same hilarious gastroenterological effects, while at the same time making those around you more interesting and better looking.

And don't call it the "Dog Star."  It's demeaning.

Siriusly.

All such questions are ignored.

Three minutes later:  Which day of the week is 17th February, 1975?
 

Or maybe you do.  In that case, Excel will tell you the day of the week if you enter the following formula:

=TEXT("2/17/75","dddd")

Actually, if you enter that formula, you'll only get the day of the week for February 17, 1975, but you never know when such information might prove useful.  It just proved useful for me, so I'm going to save it.

(Contrary to what you may heave heard, Latin is not the official language of pedophilia.  That would be Pig Latin.)

Once I decided to have a Latinate motto (Latinate is English for Latin), I did the usual amount of research to come up with a phrase that was clever and frivolous and composed primarily of short words that would be easy to conjugate and decline.   (Latin nouns have been declining, many of them painfully, ever since the fall of Rome.) 

After several painstaking hours of surfing the web I finally acquired enough pictures of beautiful naked women to invent a motto.

It is probably declined incorrectly and worded sideways or backwards, but I like it.  Veritas is good.  I think there's some kind of law about using veritas in mottos--in fact, I'm sure there is.  I'll go look it up right now.

(As to what the motto means, I forget, but your answer is probably in there somewhere.)

Socrates believe that all bread was innately toast and that the application of heat merely brought out the "toastness" of the bread, whereas Aristotle believed toast was merely bread devoid of its "breadness."

In the early years of Christianity there was strong debate within the church as to whether bread and toast were one or whether they were separate; this ultimately led to the split between eastern and western churches and bakeries.

Scientific examination of the process in post-Enlightenment Europe finally revealed that when subjected to heat things get warm, and that as they're warmed they either get soft and mushy (butter, cheese, chocolate) or brittle and crunchy (bread, meat, witches).

The Existentialists of the last century insisted that "breadness" was entirely subjective and denied the existence of toast. More recently, post-modern deconstructionists have argued that toast is any bread used by the privileged to subjugate the masses.

I can't speak for everyone, but I call them farts because that's what everyone else seems to call them, and who the hell am I to argue?

The average healthy human farts sixteen times per day, mostly in their sleep.

(No.)

And yet renowned Bible scholar Sir Richard Furtooth points out that, in Genesis 4:16-17, Cain moves to the land of Nod and has sex with his wife (whence the expression "nodding off").  The relevance of this observation is lost on me.

Also, I can't stand mincemeat.

I wouldn't lose much sleep worrying about it, however, because very few cows are waiters.  The few who are are probably paid well enough not to need the extra income.

But the aftertaste is kind of like chicken.

Best of luck with your condition.

Anyway, that wasn't a question.  This isn't Jeopardy.  Save it for the kids at Mensa.

You're clearly suffering from WDS (Weather Deprivation Syndrome).  I'm glad you've acknowledged that you need help--that's the first step toward recovery.  Contact a mental health professional, a clergyperson, or an amicable bartender as soon as possible.

If you're not a fundamentalist and you don't believe the whole Creation story, then there's really no point to the question.

We ourselves are made out of meat, but cannibalism (the eating of meat from animals that walk around and shoot their mouths off) is generally discouraged.   Jonathan Swift wrote an excellent essay on the subject.

(2 minutes, 58 seconds later):  So why is it that a person who is from a different part of the country speaks with a strong accent but sings with none?

Strange rural people who speak with strong accents aren't the only ones who sing with none.  Many people, including myself, especially myself, have such horrifying voices that they have no choice but to sing with none.  And even if we try to sing with many, or even some, they very quickly dwindle down to few, then none.

(1 minute, 1 second later):  Why can't you just admit that you don't know the answer?

(Heh.)

(41 seconds later):  When you take a dump, how come it smells?  It doesn't smell when you eat the food.

However, the application of some Aristotelian logic should cast some light on this issue.

Fact: the food that we put in our mouths does not smell like farts or shit.

Fact: farts and shit do in fact smell like farts and shit.

Therefore: in passing through our digestive systems, pleasant smelling food is somehow made to reek.

Applying Occam's Razor to this conundrum, we get a smooth, close shave.  After the shave we slap on some lotion, if we're in that kind of mood, or maybe we just finish dressing and head out the door.  Either way, there's nothing like the feeling of cool, fresh morning air on a just-shaved face.  It makes me feel good enough to forget all about those nagging little things I've been meaning to get to.

(And I think it's spelled reeeeeeeeeeeeally.)

But as soon as I begin to formulate an answer to your question, I realize I first have to take a step back and answer the question it implies, which itself implies another question that must be addressed, and so on, and so forth, until I'm forced to have a drink and move on to the next question.

It's best to scorn
a cow with horns.

If you're looking for some advice on the consumption of hallucinogens, I'll have to defer your question until I'm done running for president.

Ah, hell.  Trust the fungus.  I did, and look how I turned out.

Microphones does it take to make one megaphone?

Cards does it take to make two decacards?

Fish does it take to make on microfiche?

Lavatories does it take to make one demijohn?

Pins does it take to make one terrapin?

Rations does it take to make two C-rations?

Centipedes does it take to make one millipede?

Mockingbirds does it take to make two kilomockingbirds?

Tridents does it take to make one decadent?

Monograms does it take to make two diagrams?

Wharves in a pardox?

1. Talk about what you know.   This is not just good advice to young writers, it is the golden rule of not being considered an idiot.  People will often assume you're no stupider than they are until you prove otherwise.  This is especially true of teachers.  If you don't know anything about the subject you're supposed to address, choose a new subject on the fly and present it forcefully and confidently.

2. Speak in a calm, friendly, humorous manner.  Everyone can smell fear, and nothing will do more harm to your presentation than letting your audience think you are wavering, doubtful, or confused.  Even if you find yourself saying the most asinine thing, the world will be kind to you if you say it convincingly, and will ignore what you're saying altogether if you can make them laugh while you're saying it.  Watch C-Span for pointers.

3.  Look good.  Appearances are judged according to principles of comparison.  Make sure you are the best-dressed presenter, that you have the best props (see below), and that your hygiene is exemplary.  If anyone else looks better than you, try to spill something on them before they speak, or tell them they've got something between their teeth.  This will diminish their confidence, and you will come off as superior.

4.  Use props.  Props are useful not because they help communicate your message, but because people would rather do almost anything than risk eye contact with you while you're up there.  Even if you have no idea what you're talking about, just waving a bit of chalk in the air can be a source of great relief to your audience.  And remember: their relief is your triumph.

5.  Annihilate your competition.  While others are speaking, stare directly at them.  Cough.  Blow your nose.  Shuffle some papers.   Anything you can do to make them look less competent, less composed, and less together than you will work to your advantage.

6.  Allow no questions.  If you can speak engagingly long enough, you can eliminate the time available for questions altogether.   If questions cannot be avoided, do this: listen carefully to the first question.   Ask the questioner to repeat it.  Rephrase it and ask them if that's what they mean.  Tell them you think that's an interesting question, but that there are a lot of nuances you don't want to overlook.  String them along like this until time is up.

Trust everyone.  Believe everything.  Doubt nothing.  And hold onto your wallet.  This is the secret to a long, healthy life.

P.S. I think Marilyn Manson is a moron.

Try to focus on the positive, and don't let criticism get you down.  No one's going to be harder on you than you are on yourself, and there's no point crying over spilled milk.

Life is a state of mind.

People eat with their mouths open because it's difficult to get food into a closed mouth.

People sit with their mouths open for a number of reasons: because they are yawning, because they have lockjaw, because someone has stepped upon their toes, or, most often, because they are simply tired of standing with their mouths open.