THE MORON’S ALMANAC (c) 1999, JustMorons.com

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Almost as reliable as the Farmer’s Almanac(r), but without all that crap about farming.

For more information, or to view the Almanac with pictures and links, visit JustMorons.com

*** Volume 1, Issue 1 ***

*** Sunday, January 10 through Saturday, January 16 ***

---BEST BIRTHDAYS OF THE WEEK---

Most Americans know that Martin Luther King, Jr, was born on the third Monday in January, but in our eagerness to celebrate the reverend’s accomplishments, we are overlooking two classic icons of American culture whose birthdays occur in the same week. Unlike the venerable Reverend King, these two figures represent not the American Ideal but the American Reality and, as such, deserve our recognition. Therefore, in the tradition of "President’s Day," that floating amalgation of Lincoln’s and Washington’s birthdays that has at last become a kind of collective presidential birthday, let us choose one day this week to celebrate not only the two individuals whose identities will be revealed in a moment, but everything they represent. Let us take this one day a year to acknowledge all that is great in America, as personified by Charles Nelson Reilly (1/13/31) and Charo (1/15/51).

Why are they important? Because they represent everything magnificent about America in this century, everything grand and glorious about our unique blend of liberty, commercialism, and shiny red sequin dresses. Charles Nelson Reilly made a career out of a weak chin, a few peculiar facial expressions, and a whiney sound that cannot be done justice on paper (but sounded something like "neeyeh!"). It might be said that Charo made her fame the old-fashioned way, by wriggling around in scanty clothes, but then how does one account for the millions of women who’ve shaken their hoochies and shimmied their coochies before and since with nary a guest appearance on "Love Boat?" No, Charo wasn’t simply a titillating nymphet, but a titillating nymphet who yelped and squealed like a bitch in heat. Very well, you say: maybe Charles Nelson Reilly made his fortune off a weak chin and "neeyeh," and maybe Charo made hers off a yelpy squeal, so what? What’s any of this got to do with America? Who cares?

The Moron’s Almanac cares, and you should care. The important thing isn’t that they made their particular fortunes by means of those particular eccentricities, but that they were ABLE to do so. Our nation is great not because people like Charles Nelson Reilly and Charo succeed here, but because they CAN succeed here. It’s important to support the ideals of liberty and justice and equality before the law, but it’s just as important—nay, perhaps more important—to celebrate the reality that we’re more than Democracy’s standard bearer, more than the defender of oppressed peoples, more than the "last best hope"—we are unbelievably silly! We’re sillier than any other nation on the face of the earth, and it’s time to stop being ashamed. It’s time to stand up for silliness, and that’s what the Moron’s Almanac is all about.

(We only wish Adrienne Barbeau had been born on the same week.)

Less important birthdays this week:

1/10/1953: Pat Benatar

1/10/1945: Rod Stewart

1/10/1949: George Foreman

1/11/1942: William James

1/11/1755: Alexander Hamilton

1/12/1728: Edmund Burke

1/12/1876: Jack London

1/12/1951: Rush Limbaugh

1/12/1954: Howard Stern

1/13/1834: Horatio Alger

1/14/1741: Benedict Arnold

1/14/1920: Andy Rooney

1/15/1929: Martin Luther King, Jr

1/15/1622: Jean Baptiste Moliere

---THIS WEEK IN HISTORY---

On January 13, 1854, Anthony Fass of Philadelphia patented the accordion. That’s right: we’ve given the world Charles Nelson Reilly, Charo, AND the Accordion. Stand up and take a bow, America!

On January 14, 1954, Marilyn Monroe married Joe DiMaggio. That’s important. Don’t forget that.

On January 15, 1967, the Packers beat the Chiefs in Superbowl I. People keep pointing out that tickets were only ten bucks, but back then ten bucks could also rent a three bedroom apartment for six months.

On January 15 in 1892, a little magazine in Springfield, Massachusetts, first published the rules for a brand new game that involved tossing a ball into a high-mounted peach basket. This was, of course, the precursor of what is today known as "Peachbasket," still as popular as ever in Springfield, Massachusetts.

---WEATHER ALMANAC---

Dhaka, Bangladesh will be unseasonably cold, with strong winds, heavy precipitation, and cheese.

---WORD OF THE WEEK---

This week’s word is "impeachment." Persian traders arrived in ancient Roman ports with a fruit no Roman citizen had ever seen before, and the wildly popular fruit was simply called a "Persian"—in Latin, a "persicum." Later, when France was invented by a lot of Romans who’d been chased out of Rome by the Germans who’d been squeezed out of Germany by the Hungarians who’d... well, anyway, they translated "persicum" into "peche," which sounded Frencher. The English subsequently pronounced "peche" as "peach" just to get a rise out of the French. That’s where we get "peach." Now here’s the tricky part: prior to being decapitated at the outset of the French Revolution, King Louis XVI (pronounced "zivvy") was seized by a mob of wild-eyed, tricote-wearing Frenchmen, who stripped the king, pinned him down, and jammed half a dozen "peches" up his royal rectum. In his classic 1790 treatise, "Reflections on the Chopping Off of People’s Heads," British statesman and philosopher Edmund Burke (see birthdays, above) observed that, "prior to having his head so elegantly disassociated from his shoulders, the late French king was impeached by the people."

---THIS WEEK’S ASTROLOGICAL OUTLOOK---

(For your own weekly horoscope, or a detailed personal horoscope, visit JustMorons.com)

Elements of instability seem to be predominant as we head into mid-January, making it a bad time to buy a car from a left-handed Albanian, to travel to countries where the local currency is blue, or to reach into the disposal for that fork. Personal relationships require a little extra work under these astrological conditions, so try not to overreact if your significant other smacks you around a little. This is an excellent period for reassessment and personal reflection, but for God’s sake get over yourself.

---THIS WEEK’S FARMING TIP---

There is no weekly farming tip. If you want a weekly farming tip, you need the Farmer’s Almanac(r). This isn’t the Farmer’s Almanac(r). This is the Moron’s Almanac. Try not to get us mixed up again. Thanks.

*** (c) 1999, JustMorons.com ***

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