THE MORON’S ALMANAC (c) 1999, JustMorons.com

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Almost as reliable as the Farmer’s Almanac(r), but without all that crap about farming.

For more information, or to view the Almanac with pictures and links, visit JustMorons.com

*** Volume 1, Number 2 ***

*** Sunday, January 17 through Saturday, January 23 ***

---THE IMPORTANCE OF CRAP---

Thomas Crapper died on January 17, 1910. In popular American folklore, the British Mr. Crapper was the man who invented and gave his name to the flush toilet. Unfortunately, there is little historical evidence to support Mr. Crapper as anything but a friendly British plumber.

I say unfortunately because the world is ambiguous enough as it is, and the toilet is one of a very few things that can be counted on to acquit itself without any ambiguity. Having a toilet in the home improves our quality of life enormously; the contributions of most other appliances pale by comparison. Like other vital but widely available amenities, however, a toilet’s importance is most strongly felt in its absence. Most of us have had at least one experience where we’ve made a hefty contribution to a toilet only to discover afterwards that it won’t flush. Can you not remember the horror as you stared down into the bowl and wondered what to do? Can you not remember the icy panic that gripped you as you noticed that not only wouldn’t the toilet flush, but that the water was rising?

(The Germans have a word for that bone-chilling dread, and it reflects poorly upon us as a nation that we do not. The Germans also have a word for the feeling you get when you notice just as you’re locking your car door that the keys are still in the ignition. Clearly, they have more to offer the world than beer, pretzels, and maniacal plans for world conquest.)

The importance of toilets cannot be overstated, and anything that important deserves a good legend. Thomas Crapper may not have invented the toilet, and his name may not have been the source of our "crap" or "crapper," but that doesn’t mean we have to tolerate the truth. We can choose to embrace the legend of Thomas Crapper. The Moron’s Almanac recommends you do.

Thomas Crapper was born in 1839. He became a plumber. He invented the flush toilet, which is why people called it the "crapper," which eventually led to people calling the stuff they put into the toilet "crap."

It’s concise. It’s easy. It’s elegant. Reject the truth, and give thanks this day for Thomas Crapper.

(See JustMorons.com for pictures and links to: a historical perspective on Thomas Crapper, the Sulabh International Museum of Toilets, a guide to the best public toilets in New York City, and a live internet toilet-cam.)

---BIRTHDAYS THIS WEEK---

On January 17, 1706, Benjamin Franklin was born. The inventor of spectacles and the hundred dollar bill, Franklin was one of Washington’s first celebrated womanizers to avoid conviction. One day Franklin tied a key to the string of a kite that he then flew in a thunderstorm, thus discovering Electrolysis. Franklin also invented the Post Office, and can be credited with the creation of the first fully functioning disgruntled postal worker.

On January 17, 1860, Anton Chekhov was born in Taganrog, Russia. Tragically, a bureaucratic snafu at the Kremlin resulted in Chekhov’s not being told he was one of the Great Russian Writers, so he practiced medicine well into middle life. By then, of course, he was almost good enough to quit practicing, but he’d also made a name for himself as a writer. As a doctor and writer of comedies, Chekhov originated the saying "laughter is the best medicine" (some of his tubercular patients disagreed, but they subsequently died, proving his point). Chekhov’s greatest work is "The Seagull," in which a young man kills a seagull, making his girlfriend cry and a lot of people with unpronounceable Russian names argue and wave pistols about. Chekhov should not be confused with Chekhov, who was the security officer of the USS Enterprise, and neither of them should be confused with Charo.

Also born on January 17 was Al Capone, in 1899. Chronic self-esteem problems in his early adolescence resulted in his turning to a life of crime in Chicago (where crime had by now trickled down from elected officials to the lower classes). Capone was such a successful gangster that eventually Robert DeNiro had to play him. In the end, Capone was captured by Elliot Ness and his "Untouchables," who got their name from the fact that their busy schedules prevented them from changing their underwear.

Other birthdays this week:

1/17/1942: Muhammad Ali

1/18/1782: Daniel Webster

1/18/1904: Cary Grant

1/19/1807: Robert E. Lee

1/19/1809: Edgar Allen Poe

1/19/1839: Paul Cezanne

1/19/1943: Janis Joplin

1/20/1896: George Burns

1/20/1920: Federico Fellini

1/21/1941: Placido Domingo

1/22/1561: Sir Francis Bacon

1/22/1959: Linda Blair

1/23/1737: John Hancock

1/23/1832: Edouard Manet

---THIS WEEK IN HISTORY---

On January 17, 1806, President Thomas Jefferson’s grandson, James Madison Randolph, became the first child ever to be born in the White House. (Sadly, no official records have been kept on the more interesting statistics of children conceived in the White House.)

On January 18, 1871, while Prussian guns blasted all hell out of Paris, William I was proclaimed Emperor of a united Germany in nearby Versailles. For this reason the Germans have always had a soft spot for France, and have returned often.

On January 19, 1793, French king Louis XVI was condemned to death. He was guillotined in Paris on January 21. (See the article on "impeachment" in last week’s almanac, in the almanac archives at JustMorons.com.)

On January 20, 1892, the first basketball game ever played took place in Springfield, Massachusetts. Almost exactly 107 years later, Michael Jordan retired. Coincidence, or what?

On January 21, 1976, the number one hit on America’s pop charts was C.W. McCall’s "Convoy." On the same date in 1978, "Saturday Night Fever" became the best-selling album in America, and it remained on the top of the charts for six months. All of this despite the fact that crack had not yet been invented!

On January 23, 1985, O.J. Simpson was inducted into the Football Hall of Fame. The great Buffalo running back, Leslie Nielsen sidekick, and alleged decapitator was the first Heisman Trophy winner to be inducted, and remains the only inductee to the Hall of Fame to have been acquitted for double homicide.

---WEATHER ALMANAC---

Travellers to El Nebke, Syria, can look forward to dry, mild weather throughout the week, with only sporadic hostage-taking. Bring a book just in case!

---FACT OF THE WEEK---

The country code for Burkina Faso is 233.

---THIS WEEK’S ASTROLOGICAL OUTLOOK---

(For your own weekly horoscope, or a detailed personal horoscope, visit JustMorons.com)

Conditions continue to favor assassination, so you might want to be a little extra-careful this week if you’re a major world leader, a druglord, or a postal worker. It’s a period of realignment for most of us, so men will want to shake just a little bit more than usual after urinating. Yes, the milk is bad, but just put it back in the fridge. Someone else’ll get it.

---THIS WEEK’S FARMING TIP---

There is no weekly farming tip. There is never a weekly farming tip. If you want a weekly farming tip, you need the Farmer’s Almanac(r). This isn’t the Farmer’s Almanac(r). This is the Moron’s Almanac. Try not to get us mixed up again. Thanks.

*** (c) 1999, JustMorons.com ***

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