THE MORON’S ALMANAC (c) 1999, JustMorons.com

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Almost as reliable as the Farmer’s Almanac(r), but without all that crap about farming.

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*** Volume 1, Number 3 ***

*** Sunday, January 24 through Saturday, January 30 ***

---THE TRUTH ABOUT HAGGIS ---

January 25 is Burns Night in Scotland, and on this night Scotland honors three of its proudest contributions to the world: poet Robert Burns (born on January 25, 1759), haggis, and single malt whiskey.

The importance of Scotch whiskey hardly needs explanation.

The "Burns Supper" is eaten all across Scotland each year on Burns Night, the anniversary of the national poet’s birth. It consists of haggis and whiskey. It is customary for the host to read Burns’s "Ode to a Haggis" at the dinner table.

(It has been speculated that this is strictly a diversionary tactic.)

Haggis has long been a popular butt of anti-Scottish humor, and the Scots probably prefer it this way, since it distracts potential detractors from taking up arms against this most inhumanely prepared dish.

Americans who boycott veal because of the inhumane treatment of calves required to produce it would surely recoil in horror if they were to know the truth about the Scots’ treatment of the gentle haggis.

Here, then, is the truth. (Sensitive readers may wish to scroll down past the end of this article.)

The haggis (sometimes incorrectly pluralized as "haggi" or "haggo;" the plural of haggis, like fish and shrimp, is the same as its singular) are a gentle breed of cute, furry, playful mammals indigenous to the Scottish highlands.

They have never survived attempts to transplant them, as they will not mate anywhere but the Scottish highlands on which they were born.

Haggis have been popular cuisine for as long as the British isles have been populated. Julius Caesar reflects in his memoirs that he tried to bring several thousand haggis back to Rome for breeding after his conquest of Brittania, and faithfully records the unfortunate results of that effort.

(See Ch. 42, De Gallico Bello, with its oft-quoted opening, "Veni, vidi, fugito cum haggis," or "I came, saw, I snagged a bunch of haggis.")

It is widely believed that the ancient Picts of Ireland invaded and eventually settled Scotland in no small part because of their affinity for haggis.

In ancient times, haggis were trapped, killed, and prepared like most other small mammals. Toward the end of the eighteenth century, however, it became fashionable to drop the living haggis into a pot of boiling water.

This is because after boiling for half an hour, the little cutey’s fuzzy-wuzzy pelt peels off easily. Haggis fur is popular in Scottish gloves, coats, and seat covers. The final preparation of the gentle, peace-loving mammals is too horrible to describe without offending even the most calloused reader.

In recent years, many activist groups have launched high-profile campaigns to stem this barbaric treatment of the haggis (who are just the sweetest, friendliest, trustingest little fellers you ever met), but most of these have efforts have failed miserably on account of one difficult fact: if they were not bred for human consumption, they probably would have been killed off by natural selection about two thousand years ago.

Haggis make excellent pets, but their four-month life expectancy makes them fairly disappointing companions for children.

(See JustMorons.com for pictures and links to: Burns’s "Ode to a Haggis," the haggis home page, and other haggis-related sites, including a "hunt the haggis" game.)

---BIRTHDAYS THIS WEEK---

1/24/1862 Edith Wharton

1/24/1949 John Belushi

1/25/1759 Robert Burns

1/25/1882 Virginia Woolf

1/26/1955 Eddie Van Halen

1/26/1880 Douglas MacArthur

1/27/1756 Wolfgang Almadeus Mozart

1/27/1832 Lewis Carroll

1/28/1912 Jackson Pollack

1/28/1950 Barbi Benton

1/29/1737 Thomas Paine

1/29/1880 W.C. Fields

1/30/1882 Franklin D. Roosevelt

1/30/1922 Dick Martin

---THIS WEEK IN HISTORY---

On January 25, 1554, the anniversary of St. Paul’s conversion, Sao Paolo (Brazil) was founded by Jesuit missionaries. It should have been called Saint Paul, but the missionaries were Portugese and couldn’t pronounce it quite right.

On January 26, 1979, "Le Freak" was on the top of the American charts. January 26 is Republic Day in India, and dancers from all over the nation gather in New Delhi every year on this day to dance in the huge National Arena and all along a five mile parade route. It’s nice to think there’s a connection.

On January 27, 1967, three astronauts lost their lives rehearsing for the first manned Apollo flight. On January 28, 1986, the Shuttle Challenger exploded 73 seconds after taking off, killing all seven crew members, including a young schoolteacher. Moral: don’t travel by rocket this week.

On January 30, 1948, Mahatma Gandhi was shot to death by a Hindu extremist. Gandhi is best known for leading one of the most populous nations on the face of the earth to liberty in an almost entirely bloodless revolution against the well-armed representatives of a tiny little north Atlantic island.

On January 30, 1847, a little cove on America’s west coast called Yerba Buena, with a population of about 500, was renamed San Francisco. Today, San Francisco has a population of well over twice that number, and boasts one of the most popular miniature golf courses in Oregon.

On January 30, 1798, congressmen Matthew Lyon and Roger Griswold had the first fistfight in the House of Representatives.

---WEATHER ALMANAC---

The mercury won’t get much above–74 Fahrenheit in Tarmyr, Siberia, so if you manage to shovel your way out from under the 92 inches of snow that fell last week, and if you can stand upright in the 105 mph arctic winds, you’ll want to button up that coat—don’t forget your scarf!

---THIS WEEK’S MORONIC HEALTH TIP---

Quit stuffing your face and get off your big fat ass.

--- ASTROLOGICAL OUTLOOK---

(For your own weekly horoscope, or a detailed personal horoscope, visit JustMorons.com)

Conditions favor an extremely silly start to the week, interspersed with periods of intense seriousness. Expect a monotonous front to sweep through Wednesday or Thursday, leaving mild amusement and gentle reflection in its wake. The weekend should be frivolous, with periods of light ennui that should clear up by Saturday night.

---THIS WEEK’S FARMING TIP---

There is no weekly farming tip. There is never a weekly farming tip. If you want a weekly farming tip, you need the Farmer’s Almanac(r). This isn’t the Farmer’s Almanac(r). This is the Moron’s Almanac. Try not to get us mixed up again. Thanks.

*** (c) 1999, JustMorons.com ***

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