THE MORON’S ALMANAC (c) 1999, JustMorons.com

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Almost as reliable as the Farmer’s Almanac(r), but without all that crap about farming.

For more information, or to view the Almanac with pictures and links, visit JustMorons.com

*** Volume 1, Number 4 ***

*** Sunday, January 31 through Saturday, February 6 ***

--- THIS WEEK’S VITAL MORONIC INFO ---

January 31 was a full moon. It was also a blue moon. (It saw you standing alone.)

February 2 is Groundhog’s Day.

Network sweeps begin February 4, and run through March 3.

The 1999 Miss USA pageant is February 5, in Branson, Missouri.

February 6 is Waitangi Day (New Zealand; see below).

--- CONFUSION ---

On February 1, 1976, Werner Heisenberg died in Munich. Mr. Heisenberg was one of this century’s foremost physicists, a reputation he earned primarily by having confused everybody so badly that many of us remain baffled to this very day.

The famous "Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle" states that the act of observation changes the state of the thing being observed, a truism that is most vividly illustrated by the penis.

Mr. Heisenberg studied with Nils Bohr and Albert Einstein before finally branching out into his own area of highly specialized confusion, which eventually led to quantum physics. One of the things that most befuddled him was trying to identify the location of a given particle while at the same time identifying anything else about the particle (e.g., address, phone number, zip code).

It was confusing mainly because he couldn’t do it.

Also contributing to the general confusion of this century was the work of James Joyce, born on February 2, 1882. Mr. Joyce was one of many drunken Irish geniuses who got the hell out of Ireland as soon as he could.

Mr. Joyce wrote "Ulysses," a big famous book perhaps most notable for the fact that no one’s ever actually read it.

Gertrude Stein was born on the same day, eight years earlier, and was also utterly baffled. She made her own contribution to the general bewilderment by writing books that were much easier to read than Mr. Joyce’s, and yet made even less sense.

But the prize for confusion has to go to the Soviet government, under whose authority February 1, 1918, suddenly became February 14, 1918.

But I digress.

February 6 is Waitangi Day in New Zealand. This is to celebrate the fact that on February 6, 1840, representatives of the British Crown and leading Maori chiefs in Waitangi signed "The Treaty of Waitangi," preserving many Maori rights while making New Zealand a British Colony.

Given the confused and confusing state of things, the Moron’s Almanac recommends that America join her Kiwi friends in celebrating Waitangi Day. There is no particular logic to this, but it’s fun to say "Happy Waitangi Day!" We could all wear funny hats and buy each other Waitangi presents.

Sound silly?

How about standing around waiting for some stupid rodent to crawl out of a hole?

Lastly, February 6 is exactly halfway between the winter solstice and spring equinox, which is the scientifically correct way of saying it’s the middle of fucking winter.

(See JustMorons.com for pictures and links to: xxxxxx sxxxx x x x x .)

--- THIS WEEK IN HISTORY ---

On January 31, 1966, the Soviet lunar probe Luna 9 made the first successful landing on the moon.

On January 31, 1940, the first Social Security check was written.

On February 1, 772, Adrian I was elected pope. His election was won largely due to strong Frankish support. (The Franks were actually the French in disguise.) Adrian was therefore partial to Frankland for the twenty-three years of his papal reign, never realizing it was really just France. He worked closely with Charlemagne, also known as Carolus Magnus, or "Big Charlie," the man who is credited with having actually invented France.

In 1626, Dutchman Peter Minuit bought the island of Manhattan for $24. People like to make jokes about that, but really $24 wasn't such an unreasonable price. It was a lot of money back then, and it's not like Ole Peter Minuit just turned around and built Times Square. It was a big stupid rock in the middle of a lot of water, and the weather sucked. Even for a Dutchman. Anyway, on February 2, 1653, New Amsterdam finally became a city. It had a population of 800.

On February 2, 1863, Samuel Clemens first used the pseudonym "Mark Twain," finally giving up on his first pen-name, which he preferred: "Big Buck Stud."

On February 3, 1959 Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and The Big Bopper were killed in a plane crash. The tragedy only deepened, as the crash resulted not only in the snuffing out of so much young talent, but eventually also caused "American Pie."

The United States broke diplomatic relations with Germany on February 3, 1917. The Germans were very upset by this, and tried to make America jealous by flirting with Mexico. Britain, however, was hiding behind the lilac bushes and overheard Germany’s sweet talk, and told America everything she’d heard. That made America really angry, and a few months later the United States declared war on Germany.

On February 4, 1787, Daniel Shays’s infamous rebellion was finally put down by federal troops at Pertersham. Shays had led a revolt against the oppressive taxation of Massachusetts, and had actually achieved considerable success. Most of the men were eventually pardoned, and the Massachusetts legislature even went so far as to lighten the state’s punishment of debtors as a result.

Ironically enough, exactly two hundred years later (February 4, 1987), Liberace died in Palm Springs.

On February 6, but in 1919, the German constituent assembly met in Weimar for the first time and declared itself Official German Government. This "Weimar Republic," as it came to be known, should not be confused with the "Weimar Republic" fashion clothing outlet at the Galeria Mall in Woodland Hills. The former caused an economic depression, Hitler, and the second World War, while the latter has caused only a slight dip in sales at franchise #143 of The Limited.

--- OTHER BIRTHDAYS THIS WEEK ---

2/1/1901 Clark Gable

2/1/1931 Boris Yeltsin

2/2/1882 James Joyce

2/2/1905 Ayn Rand

2/2/1954 Christie Brinkley

2/3/1874 Gertrude Stein

2/3/1468 Johannes Gutenberg

2/3/1894 Normal Rockwell

2/4/1902 Charles Lindbergh

2/4/1912 Rosa Parks

2/4/1959 Lawrence Taylor

2/5/1900 Adlai Stevenson, Jr.

2/5/1919 Red Buttons

2/5/1928 Andrew Greeley

2/5/1934 Hank Aaron

2/6/1895 Babe Ruth

2/6/1911 Ronald Reagan

2/6/1945 Bob Marley

2/6/1963 Axl Rose

--- WORD OF THE WEEK ---

Deposition does not appear in the Kama Sutra. Deposition comes from the Latinate prefix de-, meaning of or from, and the Latin posit, meaning put. Its literal meaning is therefore of put or from put, neither of which makes much sense until we recall that there is an Olympic event called the shotput, which involves the throwing of a sixteen pound metalloid sphere, called the put, and we remember further that the people who spoke Latin, the Romans, lived in the Classical World, which is also where Ancient Greece lived, and that Ancient Greece was the birthplace of the Olympics. With that in mind, it becomes readily apparent that deposition is related to shotputting in that long ago, Ancient Roman lawyers probably took witnesses into a private room, aimed shotputs at their heads, and asked them to answer a few questions. These questions would obviously have been considered to have come "from the put." Gradually, as more civilized means of eliciting testimony were invented (e.g., the rack, the wheel, the bamboo shoot, Johnnie Cochran) the old name stuck. That’s got to be it.

Alternative theories can be submitted to the Ombudsmoron@justmorons.com.

--- ASTROLOGICAL OUTLOOK---

(For your own weekly horoscope, or a detailed personal horoscope, visit JustMorons.com)

Conditions favor people not knowing when to shut up this week. It’s a complex period of conflicting influences, so play it safe by ignoring everyone. Social prospects are good, and romance beckons, unless you’re an ugly sack of shit. Even ugly sacks of shit needn’t despair entirely, however, since conditions aso favor a great big meteor smashing into earth and blasting us all to hell.

---WEATHER ALMANAC---

It’s downright balmy in Suva, Fiji, this week, with only scattered showers along the higher elevations of Mt. Tomaniivi.

---THIS WEEK’S FARMING TIP---

There is no weekly farming tip. There has never been and will never be a weekly farming tip, and I’m not kidding. If you want a weekly farming tip, you need the Farmer’s Almanac(r). This isn’t the Farmer’s Almanac(r). This is the Moron’s Almanac. Try not to get us mixed up again. Thanks.

*** (c) 1999, JustMorons.com ***

Disclaimer: JustMorons.com has been modified from its original format to fit your screen.