ALMANAC

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Almost as reliable as the Farmer’s Almanac(r), but without all that crap about farming.

(See the web version of the Moron’s Almanac for links and photos.)

*** Volume 1, Number 5 ***

*** Sunday, February 7 through Saturday, February 13 ***

--- THIS WEEK’S VITAL MORONIC INFO ---

Coming soon: the first multimedia edition of the Moron’s Almanac.

All the facts, all the inaccuracy, but lots more pictures and sounds.

On February 8, The American International Toy Fair starts in New York.

Oscar Nominations are announced at 8:30 am on the 9th.

The Berlin Film Festival begins on the 10th.

--- THOSE LOVABLE MOPTOPS ---

It was thirty-five years ago last week that a cheery quartet of moptops arrived in the United States, where they helped bring about a social revolution whose effects can be felt to this day. The Beatles arrived just a few days later, on February 7, 1964.

The Beatles came from Britain, sometimes known as England, a little island in the North Atlantic from which many people have come to the United States over the years, some of them without guitars.

The British (or English), like so many other Europeans, have a long and storied history. Although it took the French to perfect the guillotine, the English (or British) made up for in zeal what they lacked in technological savvy, and this week is the anniversary of three British (or English) queens having their heads hewn from their shoulders. Specifically:

On February 8, 1587, after nineteen years in prison, Mary Queen of Scots was beheaded.

On February 12, 1554, Lady Jane Grey, Queen for nine days in 1553, was beheaded.

On February 13, 1542, Catherine Howard, Henry VIII's Vth wife, was beheaded.

(If you can get to an English pub this week, order a beer with extra head and see if they get the joke. Do not order anything with extra head if you are in or near Washington D.C.)

The Beatles never chopped anyone's head off, but they did convince an awful lot of impressionable young Americans to go to India and become disillusioned. This, of course, eventually led to the 80s, after which the 90s became practically inevitable.

It may still be decades before it can be determined whether The Beatles were a cause or an effect, but this much can be said with confidence: without them, we never would have had the Monkees. And without the Monkees, we never would have had Peter Tork (or even a reasonable fascimile thereof).

Mr. Tork turns 55 on the 13th. It is with either grief or elation (I'm not sure which) that I offer this link (see JustMorons.com) to photographs of his performance at the Orange, California, American Legion Post Halloween Party. That such a giant of American culture should end up reduced to playing at an American Legion Halloween party is either bitterly ironic or wildly inspiring.

Another anniversary savoring of bitter irony this week: William Henry Harrison was born on February 9, 1773. Mr. Harrison was the ninth president of the United States. He died after 32 days in office, although historians are quick to point out that it has never been adequately proven that he was alive prior to his inauguration.

Immanuel Kant died on February 12, 1804. His last words were reportedly "It is good." This is hard to believe, since Kant did not speak English.

(Or British).

--- THIS WEEK IN HISTORY ---

On February 7, 1898, the trial of Emile Zola began in Paris. He lost, but then eventually he won. It's a long story. Never mind.

Russian stuff: On February 7, 1990, the Soviet Communist Party gave up its monopoly on power. On February 8, 1725, Peter the Great died. On February 9, 1881, Fyodor Dostoyevsky died. On February 9, 1991, Lithuanians voted their independence from Russia, or the Soviet Union, or whatever the hell it was at that point.

On February 11, 1573, Francis Drake discovered the Pacific Ocean, which had been missing ever since someone misplaced it during the Roman Empire.

On February 12, 1894, Hans von Bulow died. He was a popular pianist and composer, and the husband of composer Franz Liszt's daughter, Cosima, who screwed around behind Hans's back and eventually left him for Richard Wagner, who died on February 13, 1883. (Wagner is widely celebrated for having written the theme to Apocalypse Now.)

On February 13, 1429, Joan of Arc set out from Vaucouleurs to meet the Dolphin at Chinon.

OTHER BIRTHDAYS THIS WEEK

2/7/1812 Charles Dickens

2/7//1885 Sinclair Lewis

2/7/1867 Laura Ingalls Wilder

2/8/1828 Jules Verne

2/8/1931 James Dean

2/8/1925 Jack Lemmon

2/9/1909 Carmen Miranda

2/9/1914 Gypsy Rose Lee

2/9/1943 Joe Pesci

2/10/1890 Boris Pasternak

2/10/1898 Bertolt Brecht

2/10/1930 Robert Wagner

2/11/1847 Thomas Alva Edison

2/11/1936 Burt Reynolds

2/11/1963 Sheryl Crow

2/12/1809 Abraham Lincoln

2/12/809 Charles Darwin

2/12/1938 Judy Blume

2/13/1919 Tennessee Ernie Ford

2/13/1923 Chuck Yeager

2/13/1944 Jerry Springer

--- WORD OF THE WEEK ---

Due to a temporary spending freeze, I regret to report that we cannot afford a word this week. One subscriber was kind enough to donate a dipthong, but it ran off this morning and has not been seen since. I apologize for any inconvenience, and will be happy to refund any subscription fees in full.

--- ASTROLOGICAL OUTLOOK ---

(For the Moronic Zodiac and your own weekly Moronological forecast, visit JustMorons.com)

There’s going to be lots of sunshine, and there'll be happy smiley people everywhere, and nothing bad is going to happen to anyone.

--- WEATHER ALMANAC ---

It’s a brutal 785º Fahrenheit on the surface of Venus, but you know what they say... it’s not the heat, it’s the sulfuric acid.

--- THIS WEEK’S FARMING TIP ---

There is no weekly farming tip. If you want a weekly farming tip, you need the Farmer’s Almanac®. This isn’t the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is the Moron’s Almanac. Please try not to get us mixed up again: it confuses us and embarasses the farmers. Thanks.

Disclaimer: JustMorons.com contains phenylketonurics, which may be hazardous to people who try to pronounce it.