ALMANAC

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Almost as reliable as the Farmer’s Almanac(r), but without all that crap about farming.

(See the web version of the Moron’s Almanac for links and photos)

*** Volume 1, Number 6 ***

*** Sunday, February 14 through Saturday, February 20 ***

---THIS WEEK’S VITAL MORONIC INFO---

Coming later than I hoped: the first multimedia edition of the Moron’s Almanac.

All the facts, all the inaccuracy, but lots more pictures and sounds.

February 14 is Valentine's Day.

On February 14, the Daytona 500 is run in Florida.

February 15 is Presidents' Day in the United States.

February 15 is Lupercalia in Ancient Rome .

February 15 is the Birthday of the Sultan in Malaysia.

February 16 is Lithuanian Independence Day.

February 16 is National Flag Day Turkmenistan.

February 16 is a new moon.

February 16 is Chinese New Year.

February 16 is Shrove Tuesday.

February 17 is Ash Wednesday.

February 17 is Quirinalia in Ancient Rome.

February 17 is Michael Jordan's birthday.

February 18 is National Day in Gambia.

On February 19, the Miami Film Festival opens.

--- THE REVOLTING ---

On February 19, 1473, Nicolaus Copernicus was born in Poland. Copernicus opposed the notion, long insisted upon by people who knew better, that the heavens revolved around the earth, suggesting instead that perhaps the the earth revolved around the sun.

This, of course, was heresy. Heresy was Bad. A committee was formed to explore the notion, and Copernicus died before the committee could even agree when to break for lunch.

Less than a hundred years later, on February 15, 1564, Galileo Galilei was born. He developed the telescope with which he later discovered craters on the moon, the satellites of Jupiter, and every luscious detail of neighbor Sofia Bellorina's nubile young form. Galileo's astronomical observations seemed to confirm Copernicus's theory. This was also heresy, and therefore also Bad.

But wait. Flashback.

Sometime between Copernicus and Galileo, an angry German guy had nailed ninety-five theses to the door of a church. They were Very Angry Theses, which is hardly surprising considering what they'd been through what with the doors, nails, etc. They said that Christians ought to despise priests who offered to sell them salvation for a price.

The angry German guy said salvation was free, and that the priests selling it were just part of some big scam. This was more than heresy: this was Really Big Heresy.

So they took the guy and gave him a Diet of Worms to try to make him change his mind, but he wouldn't. So finally they were like, all right, whatever, and they let him go. There were a lot of poor people hanging around Germany back then, and they liked the idea of salvation not being so expensive, so they followed this angry guy around and eventually dropped out of the church and started a new one and named it after the angry guy.

That angry guy was Martin Luther, who died on February 18, 1546 (probably due to complications from having had that Diet of Worms).

Okay, flash forward again.

Even though the church thought Galileo was just as Bad as Copernicus ever was, they tried to be a little cooler about it at first. They didn't want a bunch of angry Germans starting another church again, especially not in Italy. They were like, "Come on, Galileo." "Please, Galileo." "Knock it off, Galileo."

But he wouldn't stop talking about the earth spinning around the sun, so finally they threatened to kill him. And then he was all, "Did I say the earth revolved around the sun? I meant the sun revolved around the earth." So instead of killing him they just arrested him, and he died under house arrest.

Other people who pissed people off:

On February 20, 1694, Voltaire might have been born. His real name was Francois-Marie Arouet, but it was hard to pick up chicks with a name like Francois-Marie, so he changed it. Voltaire was so smart that they had to keep throwing him out of Paris, but he would just come back even smarter and get kicked out again.

Finally Paris realized it wasn't getting anywhere, so they had a big reception for him. It was so exciting to be welcomed back into the city he loved after all those years that he died. (They knew he would. It was a cruel trick.)

And forty years ago this week, on February 16, 1959, Fidel Castro was sworn in as Prime Minister of Cuba after having led the revolution that knocked off old Fulgenico Batista. At the time, Cuba was a nation plagued by poverty, racked by corruption, and held in thrall by the military force of its leader. Today, of course, Cuba is a nation plagued by poverty, racked by corruption, and held in thrall by the military force of its leader.

--- THIS WEEK IN HISTORY ---

On February 14, 1797, the British Fleet under admirals Nelson and Jervis whumped the Spanish Armada. (The Spanish Armada should not be confused with the Spanish Armadillo, which had already been whumped so badly it had moved to Texas.)

On February 16, 1918, Lithuania declared its independence from Russia. It was such a successful declaration that they didn't have to repeat it for more than seventy years.

On February 15, 1763, Austria and Prussia signed the Treaty of Hubertusburg. This ended the Seven Years War, and just in time: the war to that point had lasted almost exactly seven years!

On February 14, 1989, Ayatollah Khomeini issued a fatwa ordering the execution of Salman Rushdie, after the publication of "Satanic Verses."

On February 15, 1989, Ayatollah Khomeini received the "Lifetime Achievement Award" from the World Conference on Literary Criticism.

On February 15, 1386, Jogaila, son of Algirdas of Lithuania, was baptized as Wladyslaw II, King of Poland.

On February 19, 1995, Pamela Anderson married Tommy Lee. Their marriage is notable mostly for having produced the most widely distributed honeymoon pictures in the history of the world.

--- OTHER BIRTHDAYS THIS WEEK ---

2/14/1962 Porsche Lynn

2/14/1973 Drew Bledsoe

2/15/1964 Chris Farley

2/15/1882 John Barrymore

2/15/1820 Susan B. Anthony

2/16/1935 Sonny Bono

2/16/1958 Ice-T

2/17/1963 Michael Jordan

2/17/1926 Hal Holbrook

2/18/1931 Toni Morrison

2/18/1954 John Travolta

2/19/1963 Seal

2/19/1952 Amy Tan

2/20/1966 Cindy Crawford

2/20/1967 Kurt Cobain

2/20/1927 Sidney Poitier

--- WORD OF THE WEEK ---

This week's word is Valentine. In 4th century Italy there lived one Christian zealot (eventually martyred) named Rufus of Malaria. In the course of traveling the Roman lands of the Mediterranean basin to spread the gospel, Rufus earned himself a reputation as being incomparably lazy. Contemporaries called him "lazy Rufus" and "Rufus the lump," and Augustine would later refer to him as "that fat drag-ass." But the name by which we know him is the name under which he was eventually canonized (as the patron saint of procrastination): that name came from the ancient Latin Voluns, meaning "willing," and tine, meaning "very little." The sense of the compound word would have been "barely willing:" thus was Rufus Saint Barely Willing, or Saint Voluns-Tine.

In southern Europe during the middle ages, a woman who exhibited unwillingness to an interested man's sexual advances was often disparagingly called a Volunstine. It required more than a pint of mead and a comfy haystack to seduce these women, and the gifts bestowed upon them by admirers came to be called Volunstine gifts.

The rest is history.

--- ASTROLOGICAL OUTLOOK ---

(You can get your weekly moronic horoscope at JustMorons.com)

It looks like a nutty start to the week, with all kinds of zany mixups and goofy misunderstandings. Expect wacky hijinks and laff riots midweek, and gut-busting hilarity by the weekend. A big thumbs-up for this silly but refreshing week.

--- WEATHER ALMANAC ---

Plenty of brillig on tap for the slithy toves this week, with optimum gyreing and gimbling conditions in the wabe. It looks like mimsy for the borogroves, and roths may well see themselves outgrabe by mome this weekend, but you might want to pack those galoshes just in case.

--- THIS WEEK’S FARMING TIP ---

There is never a weekly farming tip. If you insist on having a weekly farming tip, you need the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is not the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is the Moron’s Almanac. Please try not to get us mixed up again: it confuses us and embarasses the farmers. Thanks.

Disclaimer: JustMorons.com should be kept away from children. Contents under pressure. Avoid open flames.