ALMANAC

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Almost as reliable as the Farmer’s Almanac(r), but without all that crap about farming.

(See the web version of the Moron’s Almanac for links and photos)

*** Volume 1, Number 7 ***

*** Sunday, February 21 through Saturday, February 27 ***

---THIS WEEK’S VITAL MORONIC INFO---

February 21 is King Harald’s Birthday (1937) in Norway

February 21 is Martyr’s Day in Bangladesh

February 22 is Independence Day (1979) in St. Lucia

February 23 is Independence Day (1984) in Brunei

February 23 is Republic Day in Guyana

February 23 is Army and Navy Day in Russia

The Grammy Awards are televised live on February 24

February 24 is Independence Day (1918) in Estonia

February 24 is Flag Day (1821) in Mexico

February 25 is National Day in Kuwait

February 25 is Flag Day (1972) in Bangladesh

February 25 is Flag Day (1825) in Peru

February 25 is People’s Revolution Day (1986) in the Philippines

February 25 is Day of the Revolution (1980) in Suriname

Milan Fashion Week begins February 26

February 26 is Flag Day (1967) in Antigua and Barbuda

February 26 is Independence Day (1844) in the Dominican Republic

February 26 is Republic Day (1976) in Western Sahara

--- BOXERS AND BASTARDS ---

About a hundred years ago, a lot of disgruntled, out-of-work boxers from China's interior decided they didn't believe any of the hype about Western Civilization, and that the best westerners were dead westerners.

Westerners occupying China disagreed deeply.

The boxers found that their most persuasive argument could be found in their "righteous and harmonious fists." They believed their boxing skills made them impervious to bullets (not as far-fetched as it sounds, when you remember that Wonder Woman used to deflect bullets with her bracelets).

Thus began the Boxer Rebellion, which was put down for good on February 26, 1901, when chief boxers Chi-hsui and Hsu Cheng-yu were publicly beheaded.

(Sixty-three years later, a more successful boxer rebel, Cassius Clay, knocked out Sonny Liston to become world heavyweight champion for the first time on February 25, 1964.)

Another unsuccessful rebellion began on February 26, 1815, when Napoleon Bonaparte escaped from his exile on the island of Elba to try to finish up the Napoleonic Wars, which the rest of Europe had called off prematurely on account of reign. This ended in his own personal Waterloo, as well as a silly palindrome.

Exactly thirty-three years later, however, on February 26, 1848, the finicky people of France decided they were tired of their king, Louis-Philippe of the Bourbon line, even though he called himself the "Citizen King," so they declared Another Republic, making Napoleon's nephew, Napoleon, emperor.

(This didn't last too long either, possibly because of the confusion what with another Napoleon and everything, so they went back and forth for a while. It seemed like no matter who was in charge, everyone in France would start complaining. This is why nineteenth century France is known as the era of Bourbons and whines.)

Sadly, many Bad rebels have experienced more success.

On February 23, 1919, Benito Mussolini founded the Fasci del Comattimento ("Evil Fascist Bastards") party in Italy.

On February 24, 1920, the spokesman of a radical political group in Germany announced that it would change its name to the National Socialist German Workers' Party. Rejected names had included "The Crazy Genocidal Maniacs' Party," "The Party of Very Evil Bastards Planning to Conquer the World, Bwah Ha Ha Ha Ha!" and "The Party of Happy Sunshiney People Who'll Make Life a Happy Little Picnic for Everyone."

This name change made all the difference in the world, and eventually led to Evil Nazi Bastards, who later teamed up with the Evil Fascist Bastards of Italy and became a Significant Problem.

(The party spokesman who had announced the change was of course Adolf Hitler, who did not change his own name and is therefore known to history as... you guessed it... Adolf Hitler.)

On February 26, 1936, the Japanese Army apparently mistook Japan for a foreign country and conquered it. Rather than own up to their mistake, however, they decided to become Evil Fascist Bastards themselves, exacerbating the Significant Problem that already existed.

And on February 27, 1939, General Francisco Franco's rebellion finally won out in Spain. Franco had a mustache like Hitler's, and was therefore obviously also an Evil Fascist Bastard.

--- THIS WEEK IN HISTORY ---

On February 22, 1987, Andy Warhol died. Mr. Warhol painted pretty pictures of Campbell's Soup cans and Marilyn Monroe (never together). His work can be seen in museums around the world. Campbell's Soup can be seen in the canned good section, right up there with Progresso and Ramen Noodles.

On February 23, 1836, the siege of the Alamo began. It was so much fun that for years afterwards people were like, "Remember the Alamo?" But eventually they forgot.

On February 23, 1821, English poet John Keats died in Rome. Mr. Keats was very Romantic, and therefore wrote an Ode to a Nightingale, an Ode to Psyche, and even an Ode to a Grecian Urn, but none of them would have him so he died alone.

On February 24, 1582, Pope Gregory XIII issued a proclamation that made everyone change their calendars from the Julian calendar to his own new and improved "Gregorian" calendar. (Obviously he was in cahoots with the calendar printing people, or he would have done it in November or December.) It was this shameless act of self-promotion that led to subsequent Vatican proclamations being called "Papal Bull."

On February 27, 280, Constantine the Great was born. Constantine took half the Roman Empire and moved it to Byzantium, a little village which he built up into such a magnificent city that it was eventually named after him: Istanbul.

--- OTHER BIRTHDAYS THIS WEEK ---

02/21/1927 Erma Bombeck

02/21/1925 Sam Peckinpah

02/21/1893 Andres Segovia

02/21/1821 Charles Scribner

02/22/1975 Drew Barrymore

02/22/1950 Julius "Dr. J" Erving

02/22/1907 Robert Young

02/22/1892 Edna St. Vincent Millay

02/22/1732 George Washington

02/23/1939 Peter Fonda

02/23/1868 W.E.B. DuBois

02/23/1685 George Frederic Handel

02/24/1966 Billy Zane

02/24/1956 Eddie Murray

02/24/1955 Steven Jobs

02/24/1921 Abe Vigoda

02/24/1873 Enrico Caruso

02/25/1943 George Harrison

02/25/1917 Anthony Burgess

02/25/1913 Jim Backus

02/25/1901 Zeppo Marx

02/25/1841 Pierre Auguste Renoir

02/26/1932 Johnny Cash

02/26/1928 Fats Domino

02/26/1920 Tony Randall

02/26/1916 Jackie Gleason

02/26/1887 William Frawley

02/26/1846 William "Buffalo Bill" Cody

02/26/1829 Levi Strauss

02/26/1802 Victor Hugo

02/27/1934 Ralph Nader

02/27/1932 Elizabeth Taylor

02/27/1902 John Steinbeck

02/27/1807 Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

--- WORD OF THE WEEK ---

This week's word is treaty. Treaty comes to us from the Middle English tretee, from the Middle French traité, from the Middle Latin tractatus, from the past participle of the ancient Latin tractare, "to treat." It should be obvious to anyone who's never studied Latin that we get the word tractor from the same Latin root. So we can imagine a couple of Roman farmers on their tractors, hollering across the farm to one another, just sort of shooting the breeze as they drove along. Eventually they'd start arguing, and that was called an "argument." Settling an "argument" required the use of "swords." When they were done using their "swords," they would put them back into their "sheaths." The Latin word for sheath was vagina. So once again, it's all about sex.

--- ASTROLOGICAL OUTLOOK ---

(You can get your personal moronic horoscope at JustMorons.com each Wednesday night)

The last week in the Barn cycle is always tumultuous, and things are no different this year. Anarchic elements are at play, and confusion fills the air as we head into the Bridge cycle, so drink plenty of beer and don't worry about your damn horoscope. You'll be fine. Just get that beer.

--- WHETHER ALMANAC ---

Whether it rains or snows, whether it's hot or cold, whether it's breezy or calm, every now and then you'll still lock your goddam keys in the car. Thus has it ever been, thus shall it ever be.

--- THIS WEEK’S FARMING TIP ---

There is never a weekly farming tip. Weekly farming tips can be found in the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is not the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is the Moron’s Almanac. Please try not to get us mixed up again: it confuses us and embarasses the farmers. Thanks.

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