ALMANAC

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Almost as reliable as the Farmer’s Almanac(r), but without all that crap about farming.

(See the web version of the Moron’s Almanac for links and photos)

*** Volume 1, Number 8 ***

*** Sunday, February 28 through Saturday, March 6 ***

--- MORONIC TRIVIA ---

True or false: On February 28, 1844, the U.S. navy was proudly demonstrating its new frigate (that’s English for "boat"), the Princeton, on the Connecticut River when one of its guns exploded, killing the Secretary of State, Navy Secretary, and a bunch of other important people. (Answer below.)

---THIS WEEK’S VITAL MORONIC INFO---

February 28 is Independence day in Egypt (1922)

February 28 is Finnish Culture Day in Finnland

February 28 is Heritage Day in Canada

March 1 is Nuclear Free Day in French Polynesia

March 1 is Independence Day in South Korea

March 1 is Independence Movement Day in North Korea

March 1 is Heroes Day in Paraguay

March 1 is Victory of Adwa Day in Ethiopia

March 1 is Green Monday in Cyprus

March 2 is Labor Day in Australia

March 2 is Independence Day in Morocco (1956)

March 2 is Peasants Day in Myanmar (or Burma)

March 3 is Liberation Day in Bulgaria (1878)

March 3 is Martyrs Day in Malawy

March is Throne Day in Morocco

The Santa Barbara International Film Festival begins March 4

March 4 is Discovery Day in Guam

March 4 is Carnival in Switzerland

March 5 is Failed Coup Day in Equatorial Guinea (1969)

March 5 is National Chief's Day in Vanuatu

March 6 is Independence Day in Ghana (1957)

--- CRAZY IVAN ---

On March 5, 1953, after thirty years in power, Soviet dictator Josef Stalin finally did an Excellent Thing. He died.

His actual name was Iosif Vissarionovich Dzhugashvili, which probably goes a long way toward explaining his irritability. Stalin was one of the great Evil Bastards of all time (see last week’s Almanac).

Many Soviet and Russian leaders before and after him also had long and horrible reigns and then died. Most of them also had difficult names. Indeed, few Russian leaders have ever had reigns of any sort after dying, although Boris Yeltsin seems to be giving it his best shot.

On March 2, 1855, for example, Czar Nicholas I finally died. As a young man, no one had known for sure if he was Czar, Tsar, or Tzar. This had made him very angry, so he became an Evil Bastard.

He didn’t realize what an Evil Bastard he’d become until he lost the Crimean War, at which point he also discovered that he was not an especially competent Evil Bastard. This made him even angrier, and therefore Autocratic. It was then that he died, and coming on top of everything else it was just too much, so he quit.

Also in Russian history, Serfdom was abolished on March 3, 1861. The Russian serf lived a hopeless life of back-breaking labor and utter poverty. Their oppression, which continued even after their liberation, caused riots, assassinations, and revolutions. Finally they had the Bolshevik Revolution in 1917 to make the serfs equal to everyone else, and it worked. From that point forward, everyone lived a hopeless life of back-breaking labor and poverty.

(Compare all that to the American surf, which has caused only the Beach Boys and Annette Funicello.)

On March 2, 1931, Mikhail Gorbachev was born with a big red splotch on his head, so he got right into politics. Gorbachev was the last Evil Bastard to reign over the Soviet Empire. Fortunately, he was a bumbling Evil Bastard, and his invention of glasnost and perestroika accidentally made walls fall down in Germany and therefore caused Boris Yeltsin to ride on top of a tank.

And on March 5, in 1946, in a speech at Fulton, Missouri, Winston Churchill made his famous observation that, "From Stettin in the Baltic to Trieste in the Adriatic, an Iron Curtain has descended across the continent." The speech was not well received at first, as the people of Fulton weren’t sure which continent he was talking about. And they really didn’t care what sort of drapes were fashionable in foreign countries anyway.

--- THIS WEEK IN HISTORY ---

The U.S. government announced on March 1, 1954, that it had conducted an H-Bomb test on Bikini Island in the Pacific. The test was so successful that it blew the once happy island into little bitty pieces, which came to be known as the Bikini Atoll (see below). Shrewd fashion moguls in France put two and two together and invented bell bottoms.

Theodor Seuss Geisel, better known as Dr. Seuss, was born on March 2, 1904. He won the Pulitzer Prizer in 1984, and is one of only a few men in history to have written illustrated books in verse about a pedophiliac cat (you can hardly blame the guy for changing his name).

On March 1, 1562, one thousand Huguenots at prayer in Vassy, France, were massacred by Catholics. Huguenots and Catholics subsequently fought "The Wars of Religion" for over three decades to try and settle for once and for all who was Top Religion. Sadly, the Edict of Nantes granted religious tolerance in 1598 and the question was never settled to anyone's satisfaction.

Michelangelo Buonarotti was born on March 6, 1475. He painted and sculpted so much that people finally decided it was time to stop procrastinating and just have the goddam Renaissance already.

On March 6, 1619, Cyrano de Bergerac was born. Mr. de Bergerac was a brilliant French satirist and playwright, best known for his nose. That thing was huge.

--- OTHER BIRTHDAYS THIS WEEK ---

February 28: Bernadette Peters (1948), Brian Jones (1942), Mario Andretti (1940), Tommy Tune (1939), Gavin MacLeod (1930), Charles Durning (1923), Zero Mostel (1915)

March 1: Jensen Ackles (1978), Ron Howard (1954), Roger Daltrey (1944), Harry Belafonte (1927), Ralph Ellison (1914), Harry Caray (1914), Glenn Miller (1904)

March 2: Jon Bon Jovi (1962), Lou Reed (1944), Desi Arnaz (1917)

March 3: Jackie Joyner-Kersee (1962), Alexander Graham Bell (1857)

March 4: Chastity Bono (1969), Knute Rockne (1888), Antonio Vivaldi (1678)

March 5: Andy Gibb (1958), Dean Stockwell (1936), Rex Harrison (1908)

March 6: Rob Reiner (1945), Kiri Te Kanawa (1944), Marion Barry (1936), Gabriel Garcia Marquez (1927), Alan Greenspan (1926), Ed McMahon (1923), Lou Costello (1906), Michelangelo Buonarroti (1475)

Trivia answer: False. It was on the Potomac River.

--- WORD OF THE WEEK ---

This week's word is atoll, as in "that's some atoll, that Bikini Atoll!" We derive the word from the Maldive word atolu, meaning atoll.

--- ASTROLOGICAL OUTLOOK ---

(You can get your personal moronic horoscope at JustMorons.com each Wednesday night)

March is coming in like a Lion! Be prepared for tumultuous change, radical reversals, unexpected twists, surprise endings, and unpublicized guest appearances. The atmosphere is supercharged with electricity, and anything can happen—you won’t want to miss a second of it! Things won’t finally settle down until network sweeps end on the 6^th.

--- WEATHER ALMANAC ---

It looks like we’ve got excellent weather on tap for the seventy-third annual Elks parade. Billy Jack Horton and the Minutemen Fiddlers are back, and they’ve worked up a few special numbers for this year’s dance, so bring your dancing shoes!

--- LINK OF THE WEEK ---

The Moronic Link of the Week is a promotional site for the new Russian sitcom, "Beware of Modern TV." The site is almost in English. There are also links to Live Russian radio, Harry Caray singing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame," and a live webcam in St. Petersburg, and much much more that you probably don’t want to live without.

--- THIS WEEK’S FARMING TIP ---

There has never been and will never be a weekly farming tip. Weekly farming tips can be found in the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is not the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is the Moron’s Almanac. Please try not to get us mixed up again: it confuses us and embarasses the farmers. Thanks.

Disclaimer: You must be this tall to ride JustMorons.com, unless accompanied by a parent or guardian.