ALMANAC

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Almost as reliable as the Farmer’s Almanac®, but without all that crap about farming.

(See the web version of the Moron’s Almanac for links and photos)

Don’t miss The Asinine Prophecy: A Moronic Adventure, beginning serialization on JustMorons.com later this week.

*** Volume 1, Number 9 ***

*** Sunday, March 7 through Saturday, March 13 ***

--- MORONIC TRIVIA ---

Multiple choice (answer below): On March 9, 1074, Pope Gregory VII excommunicated all Roman Catholic priests who were:

(a) Left-handed (b) French (c) Married (d) Nude

---THIS WEEK’S VITAL MORONIC INFO---

Commonwealth Day occurs this week on different days for various members of the British Commonwealth.

Paris Fashion Week starts on March 7.

March 8 is International Women’s Day.

March 9 is Baron Bliss Day in Belize.

March 9 is Labor Day in Australia.

March 9 is Provincial Anniversary in New Zealand.

March 11 is the Fast of Esther in Judaism.

March 11 is Moshoeshoe’s Day in Lesotho.

March 12 is Renovation Day in Gabon.

March 12 is Independence Day (1968) in Mauritius.

March 12 is Medin Full Moon Poya Day in Sri Lanka.

March 12 is Full Moon of Tabaung Day in Myanmar.

March 12 is Youth Day in Zambia.

March 13 is Revolution Day (1979) in Grenada.

March 13 is National Youth Day in Fiji.

--- THE IRELANDS AND OTHER WOMEN ---

International Women’s Day occurs this week, on March 8. That also happens to be the birthday of Kathy Ireland (born in 1963), best known for being Kathy Ireland. Kathy is not the daughter of Patricia Ireland, president of the National Organization of Women, because there was already enough irony in the world at the time of her birth.

But wait. The coincidences don’t stop there.

March 10 is the birthday of Kim Campbell (1947), Canada’s first female prime minister. On March 12, 1994, the Church of England ordained its first women priests ever in Bristol Cathedral. And lastly, Tammy Faye Baker, now Messler, was born on March 7, 1942—the start of Paris Fashion Week, which General DeGaulle ran from England that year on account of Nazis occupying all the good French runways. She, too, was a woman.

In Judaism, March 11 is the Fast of Esther, which commemorates the three days Esther fasted before dressing in sackcloth and ashes (in the middle of Paris Fashion week, no less—which, incidentally, begins March 7) to ask her husband, King Ahasuerus of Persia, if he wouldn’t mind not killing all the Jews in Persia. It was a dicey situation, because Esther had never told Ahasuerus that she was Jewish, and anyway she knew he didn’t like to see her in sackcloth.

But Ahasuerus was a Good King, and listened to his wife (not like that putz Chlamydion, who was always running around with the goyim and never paid attention to his wife or his mother, who never asked a thing in return, and who after all were only thinking of him). The festival of Purim celebrates this triumph.

L. Ron Hubbard was invented on March 13, 1911. Mr. Hubbard subsequently came up with Dianetics, which eventually led to Scientology, which inevitably caused Scientologists and Personality Tests. Scientologists can be readily differentiated from Jehovah’s Witnesses in that they don’t ask you subscribe to The Watchtower and can frequently be seen in major motion pictures.

--- THIS WEEK IN HISTORY ---

On March 7, 1918 the Bolsheviks changed their name to the Russian Communist Party. Bolsheviks is Russian for majority, as opposed to Mensheviks, which means minority. The Mensheviks, however, were in fact the majority party in 1918, while the Bolsheviks were therefore the minority, so the name change helped ease the work of journalists, who had become so confused they’d begun writing stories about children and ducks.

On March 8, 1950, the Soviet Union announced that it had possession of the atomic bomb. This baffled the western powers, who were sure they had left it somewhere safe.

On March 9, 1454, Amerigo Vespucci was born. He was an Italian explorer (unless he was Spanish or Portugese) who made many voyages to the new world at about the same time as Columbus. The two continents of the new world were therefore named for him, and it wasn’t until the seventeenth century (Greenwich time) that North and South Vespucci were renamed.

On March 9, 1888, Wilhelm I, Emperor of Germany from 1870 and King of Prussia from 1861, died.

On March 11, 1845, Johnny Appleseed died. Mr. Appleseed strongly supported a liberal policy of More Apples, and only after it was excluded from his party's platform did he begin his famous More Apples Crusade.

--- OTHER BIRTHDAYS THIS WEEK ---

March 7: Franco Harris (1950), Tammy Faye Baker (1942), Willard Scott (1935)

March 8: Kathy Ireland (1963), Mickey Dolenz (1945), Cyd Charisse (1923)

March 9: Emmanuel Lewis (1971), Bobby Fischer (1943), Mickey Spillane (1918)

March 10: Sharon Stone (1958), James Earl Ray (1928), Bix Beiderbecke (1903),

March 11: Douglas Adams (1952), Rupert Murdoch (1931), Lawrence Welk (1903)

March 12: Liza Minnelli (1946), Edward Albee (1928), Jack Kerouac (1922)

March 13: Dana Delaney (1956), Neil Sedaka (1939), L. Ron Hubbard (1911)

--- THIS WEEK’S ARBITRARY OBSERVATION ---

When you stop and think about it, why not name your children after your favorite television personalities?

--- ASTROLOGICAL OUTLOOK ---

(You can get your personal moronic horoscope at JustMorons.com each Wednesday night. This week’s guest astrologist: Jack Kerouac)

Coincidences pile on top of coincidences: a strange serendipity seems to have taken control of your life. A constant, nagging sense of deja vu all week.

--- WEATHER ALMANAC ---

Weather will begin on the west coast of the United States and make its way eastward during the course of the week. Other weather will happen elsewhere. Look for equal amounts of weather everywhere throughout the week. There will be areas of high and low pressure, with some precipitation. Humidity, fog, and heavy snowfall can also be expected. There’ll be wind.

Trivia solution: C. All married priests were excommunicated.

--- ASTROLOGICAL OUTLOOK ---

(You can get your personal moronic horoscope at JustMorons.com each Wednesday night)

Coincidences pile on top of coincidences: a strange serendipity seems to have taken control of your life. A constant, nagging sense of deja vu all week.

--- LINK OF THE WEEK ---

See the online version of the almanac for a link to the photos from The King of Prussia Ski Club’s yard sale. Also featured: the official Kathy Ireland Website, the Masianoke Museum of Lesotho arts and crafts, and much, much more.

--- THIS WEEK’S FARMING TIP ---

It’ll be a cold day in hell before there’s a weekly farming tip. Weekly farming tips appear in the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is not the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is the Moron’s Almanac. Please try not to get us mixed up again: it confuses us and embarasses the farmers. Thanks.

Disclaimer: JustMorons.com is not suitable for use as a prophylactic.