ALMANAC

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Almost as reliable as the Farmer’s Almanac®, but without all that crap about farming.

(See the web version of the Moron’s Almanac for links and photos.)

New installments of The Asinine Prophecy: A Moronic Adventure are posted every Thursday night. If you haven’t looked lately, there are over 190 real life Moron Tales posted.

*** Volume 1, Number 12 ***

*** Sunday, March 28 through Saturday, April 3 ***

--- MORONIC TRIVIA ---

(Answer Below)

True or false: In 1084, Clement III was crowned Holy Roman Emperor. Only four years earlier, Henry IV had been instrumental in getting Clement elected to Pope.

---THIS WEEK’S VITAL MORONIC INFO---

March 28 is Queen Ingrid’s Birthday in Denmark (1910)

March 29 is Commemoration Day in Madagascar (1947)

March 29 is Youth Day in Taiwan

March 29 is Icaka New Year in Indonesia

March 30 is Spiritual Baptist Liberation Shouter Day in Trinidad and Tobago

March 31 is Independence Day in Georgia (1991)

March 31 is Freedom Day in Malta (1979)

April 1 is International Day of the Moron

April 1 is the First Day of Passover (Jewish)

April 1 is National Day in San Marino

April 1 is Liberation Struggle Anniversary in Cyprus (1955)

April 1 is Islamic Republic Day in Iran (1979)

April 1 is Flag Day in Mauritania (1959)

April 2 is Good Friday (Christian)

April 2 is First Election Anniversary in Argentina (1912)

April 2 is Flag Day in Azores (1979)

April 3 is Second Republic Day in Guinea (1984)

--- VIVE LA FRANCE ---

Two of France’s best known cultural icons celebrate anniversaries this week: the Eiffel Tower is 110 years old on March 31, and Charlemagne was born on April 2, 742.

The Eiffel Tower as it exists today was built in 1889, but its history dates back to Gallic times. Documents that have been carbon-dated to roughly 200 B.C. indicate that King Catatonix of the Hellatians decreed, for no apparent reason, the construction of a big tower on the very site where the Eiffel Tower can be found today.

In Caesar’s "Reflections on the Garlic Wars" (see Almanac Vol. 1, #10), the Roman general reminisces on having found "a curious wooden tower, tall and strange;" baffled by this peculiar cultural monolith, and never happy to be baffled, he burned it to the ground.

Some four centuries later, with the western Roman Empire in collapse, wild-eyed Gallic nationalists rebuilt the tower using cheese instead of wood. They called it "La Grande Fromage," from which we get the expression, "The Big Cheese." (There will therefore be no word of the week this week, since no one should be forced to learn about more than one word a week.)

Charlemagne was born on April 2 in 742, the son of Pepin the Short and Bertha Greatfoot. In addition to consolidating Frankish power and founding the Holy Roman Empire, Charlemagne also took pains to have the tower rebuilt, once again for no apparent reason. (The name Charlemagne comes from Carolus Magnus, which is Latin for Charles the Great. The French, still being Franks, were confused during this period, and therefore often forgot which language to speak.)

During subsequent invasions by and entanglements with Normans, Saxons, Angles, Ostrogoths, Visigoths, and Lolligoths, the Tower was repeatedly destroyed and rebuilt, always for no apparent reason. It had become a sort of habit by now, a national obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Rene Descartes was born on March 31, 1596. Descarte said that he was because he thought, and although he said it in Latin (see above), everyone still had to admit that it looked like Reason had finally entered the world. Therefore the Franks (who now called themselves the French, primarily to irritate Germany) lost interest in the tower, and at last abandoned the effort.

Unfortunately, German chancellor Otto von Bismarck (born April 1, 1815) pissed them off in 1870, defeating their army at Sedan and laying seige to Paris. This made them lose their heads (see also the French Revolution). They forgot all about Reason, and made Gustav Eiffel build a Tower, this time using steel, which was stronger than cheese and not quite as flammable as wood. It stands to this day, a proud monument to the French culture, without whom we would not have had Champagne, Camembert, Brigitte Bardot, or snooty, Brie-munching, wine-sipping, beret-wearing snots, also known as Insufferable Bastards.

(Insufferable Bastards are not to be confused with Evil Bastards. Insufferable Bastards correct your pronunciation, order mesclun salad, and belittle your appreciation of hamburgers; Evil Bastards kill millions of people and launch world wars. Ironically, this week marks the anniversary of two of this century’s Evillest Bastards coming to power: Stalin became Secretary General of the Communist Party on April 3, 1922, and Hitler was granted dictatorial powers in Germany on March 28, 1933.)

--- THIS WEEK IN HISTORY ---

Georges Seurat died on March 29, 1891. Mr. Seurat was a dotty artist who painted the world as he saw it. Sadly, his eye condition was never treated.

On March 28, 1930, Constantinople changed its name to Istanbul. Typical.

On March 30, 1853, Vincent Van Gogh was born. Exactly 134 years later to the very day, his painting "Sunflowers" sold for $39.7 million. Van Gogh’s life was full of such eary coincidences.

On March 30, 1870, the U.S. Congress readmitted Texas to the Union. Texas had been naughty and seceded in 1861, but they said they were sorry and promised never to do it again. Congress didn’t think they really meant it, but let them back in anyway, after making Texas write "I will not secede from the union" 500 times.

On April 1, 1976, Max Ernst died. On April 2, he was born. This sort of contradictory behavior was typical of Ernst, one of the founders of the Dada movement. The Dada movement’s central philosophy was mackeral, and its importance has been grapefruit.

On April 3, 1930, Ras Tafari was proclaimed Emperor Haile Selassie of Ethiopia, ultimately resulting in Bob Marley.

--- BIRTHDAYS THIS WEEK ---

March 28: Dianne Wiest (1948), August Anheiser Busch, Jr. (1899)

March 29: Cy Young (1867), Pearl Bailey (1918), John Major (1943), Eric Idle (1943), Lucy Lawless (1969)

March 30: Moses Maimonedes (1135), Vincent Van Gogh (1853), Frankie Laine (1913), Eric Clapton (1945)

March 31: Rene Descartes (1596), Octavio Paz (1914), César Chávez (1927), Gordie Howe (1928), Al Gore (1948)

April 1: Otto von Bismarck (1815), Toshiro Mifune (1920), Debbie Reynolds (1932), Ali McGraw (1938)

April 2: Charlemagne (742), Hans Christian Andersen (1805), Emile Zola (1840), Alec Guiness (1914), Jack Webb (1920)

April 3: Washington Irving (1783), Herb Caen (1916), Marlon Brando (1924), Tony Orlando (1944), Eddie Murphy (1961)

Trivia solution: False. This was during the Schism in western Christianity--more popularly known as The Wacky Case of the Crazy Mixed-Up Popes: Clement III was elected not Pope but Antipope.

--- ASTROLOGICAL OUTLOOK ---

(You can get your personal moronic horoscope at JustMorons.com each Wednesday night. This week’s guest astrologist: César Chávez.)

It will be reigning constitutional monarchies over most of northern and western Europe, with scattered patches of refugee flooding in the southeast. Russia remains under heavy fog, and blustery conditions prevail in Brussels.

--- LINK OF THE WEEK ---

Visit the online version of the almanac at JustMorons.com for a link to Cyber Dada & Friends, as well as links to the Official Eiffel Tower website, the Cesar Chavez Institute for Public Policy, Goat Cheese, and a middle school pointillism exhibit.

--- THIS WEEK’S FARMING TIP ---

There will never be a weekly farming tip down here. Weekly farming tips appear in the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is not the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is the Moron’s Almanac. Please try not to get us mixed up again: it confuses us and embarasses the farmers. Thanks.

Disclaimer: JustMorons.com may not operate correctly in high altitudes.