THE MORON’S ALMANAC © 1999, JustMorons.com

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Almost as reliable as the Farmer’s Almanac®, but without all that crap about farming.

*** Volume 2, Number 4 ***

*** Sunday, May 2 through Saturday, May 8 ***

--- MORONIC TRIVIA ---

(Answer below)

What did Spaniard Vicente Yanes Pinzon discover in January of 1500, only to have it claimed by Portguese Pedro Alvares Cabral on May 3, 1500?

1. Saturn
2. Cape Horn
3. Brazil
4. Wisconsin
5. Gravity
6. Panama

---THIS WEEK’S VITAL MORONIC INFO---

May 2

Sporting Holiday, Egypt

May 3

Constitution Day, Japan

Constitution Day, Poland

Labor Day, Ukraine

May 4

Flag Day, Bosnia

Youth Day, China

Memorial Day, Netherlands

May 5

Europa Day, European Union

Liberation Day, Denmark

Children's Day, Japan

Mother's Day, Lithuania

Cinco de Mayo, Mexico

Liberation Day, Netherlands

Senior Citizens' Day, Palau

Coronation Day, Thailand

May 6

Day of Bravery, Philippines

Martyrs’ Day, Lebanon and Syria

National Nurses’ Day, U.S.

National Tourist Appreciation Day, U.S.

National Anxiety Disorders Screening Day, U.S.

May 8

Liberation Day, Czech and Slovak Republics

Armistice Day, France

Liberation Day, Norway

--- THIS WEEK IN HISTORY ---

On May 4, 1970, twenty-eight National Guardsmen opened fire on a crowd of demonstrating students at Kent State, in Ohio. Four students were killed, nine were injured. My music club took advantage of this somber anniversary to offer Neil Young’s "Decade" at a special price. "When he sang the infamous lyric, ‘Four dead in Ohio,’" they breathlessly promote, "he was merely echoing the outrage of a nation in crisis." Maybe. But $29.98 is still pretty steep, and I was never that into Neil Young anyway.

On May 2, 1729, Catherine the Great was born. More than any Russian head of state before her, she embraced a closer union with Europe; more than any Russian head of state to follow, she embraced a closer union with her horse.

On May 2, 1892, the Red Baron was born (as Baron Manfred von Richtofen). The World War I flying ace shot down over 80 enemy aircraft in World War I, sending dozens of handsome young men to fiery, terrible deaths and thereby earning himself a place in the Peanuts comic strip. (This is not to excuse Snoopy’s reprehensible bloodlust.)

On May 3, 1494, Columbus first sighted the island of Jamaica. He and his crew remained on the island for some time, and only left when it became absolutely clear that it would still be some time before Bob Marley was born.

The fine line between news and entertainment began its long, slow disintegration on May 5, 1867, with the birth of investigative journalism pioneer Nellie Bly. Ms. Bly would strike her monumental blow for infotainment by trying to make it around the world in less than 80 days, a feat previously managed only in the imaginative literature of Jules Verne. She succeeded, and Geraldo’s bloody nose became inevitable.

On May 5, Mexico celebrates "Cinco de Mayo" (Spanish for "Fourth of July").

On May 6, 1758, Maximilien-Francois-Marie-Isidore de Robespierre was born. Mr. Robespierre was one of the most revolting figures in the French revolution. He helped France achieve liberty, fraternity, and equality by chopping bad people’s heads off, and is held responsible for an unfortunate turn of weather (the so-called rain of terror). In the end, of course, "bad" became an awfully relative term. For example, the chemist Atoine-Laurent Lavoisier was beheaded (on May 8, 1794) for having identified oxygen, which people mistakenly thought noble, and therefore BAD. Mr. Robespierre ended up losing his own head on the guillotine; this was called poetic justice by many Frenchmen, and irony by many others. (This disagreement eventually led to yet another revolution.)

On May 6, 1937, the Hindenberg crashed and burned in Lakehurst, New Jersey, killing thirty-six but providing a really cool cover for Led Zepplin’s first album.

May 6 is National Anxiety Disorders Screening Day. (You can take this test right where you are. Place the middle and index fingers of your right hand on your left wrist, applying just enough pressure to feel the gentle beating of your blood. That gentle beating is called your "pulse." This "pulse" proves you are alive. It is also an indisputable symptom of anxiety disorders.)

On May 7, 1915, a German submarine sank the Lusitania (see last week’s almanac), killing 1100. Tragically, there were no star-crossed young lovers aboard, so instead of making a movie about it we had to enter World War I.

--- BIRTHDAYS THIS WEEK ---

Frankie Valli (1937); James Brown (1928); Bing Crosby (1903); Golda Meir (1898); Niccolo dei Machiavelli (1469)

Tammy Wynette (1942); Tyrone Power (1913); Karl Marx (1818)

George Clooney (1961); Tony Blair (1953); Willie Mays (1931); Orson Welles (1915); Rudolph Valentino (1895); Sigmund Freud (1856)

Traci Lords (1968); Johnny Unitas (1933); Eva Peron (1919); Gary Cooper (1901); Gabby Hayes (1885); Peter Ilyich Tchaikovsky (1840); Johannes Brahms (1833)

Toni Tennille (1943); Don Rickles (1926); Harry S. Truman (1884)

--- THE MORONIC FINANCIER ---

Many people make the mistake of committing themselves to mortgages when they buy a home. Mortgages can take up to thirty years to pay off, and you end up paying an awful lot of interest. How to get around it? Next time you’re buying a house, use cash.

"But Nelson," some of you might say, "Nelson, what if I don’t have the cash to buy a house?"

Well, first I’d tell you that my name’s not Nelson. It’s Chester. Then I’d tell you that it’s not my fault. What are you thinking, buying a house when you know perfectly well you haven’t got the money to pay for it? You wouldn’t walk into a 7-Eleven® and grab a damn Slurpee™ and ask the guy behind you to lend you the money so you can pay him off in monthly installments for the next thirty years, would you? Well, what’s the difference? I’ll tell you: none.

That little tip alone will save you hundreds of thousands of dollars over the next thirty years. I guarantee it.

--- ASTROLOGICAL FORECAST ---

(See the online version of the almanac for custom weekly forecasts every Wednesday night. This week’s guest astrologist: Sigmund Freud.)

The earth will rotate on its axis roughly seven times this week, revolving a little less than two percent of the way around the sun. The sun and moon will both be visible in the sky at different times during the week, and gigantic balls of exploding gas will appear as little twinkly dots overhead. These omens suggest that conditions are favorable for snowboarding, dentistry, and mesclun greens, and unfavorable for spelunking, collagen implants, and the backstroke.

--- HEALTHY LIVING NOTEBOOK ---

Thousands of people die every year in showers and bathtubs. In fact, more people have died bathing than have been killed by nuclear bombs, the bubonic plague, and poisonous snakes combined. This suggests that as a species we have been extremely negligent in our bathing safety. Here are some simple tips to help reduce the likelihood of your slipping and falling and smashing your skull open on the edge of the tub.

1. Wear shoes. Bathtubs and shower floors are slippery, and even those little plastic traction mats get pretty slick once they’ve grown a little mildew or moss. Nothing gives you traction like a good pair of boots.

2. Use the buddy system. Bathe with a partner whenever possible. This should be someone you find intensely unattractive, as the distraction created by an attractive bathing buddy lathered in soap can easily become a grave bathing danger in its own right.

3. Use safety lines. Despite incontrovertible evidence of their efficacy provided by the Surgeon General, many people still bathe without safety lines. A simple harness tethered to the bathroom walls and ceiling can render a fatal fall virtually impossible, while creating only a minimal risk of strangulation in tangled cords—a risk that can be eliminated altogether if you...

4. Bathe sober. Showers and bathtubs are dangerous places. Don’t let the pretty tiles or colorful shower curtains fool you: your next shower could be your last. Bathing requires quick thinking and total concentration. The slightest loss of motor skills could easily cost you your life.

5. Two words: sponge bath. Untethered, butt naked, and drunk, getting a sponge bath even from someone you’re wildly attracted to poses very few dangers, provided you maintain a safe distance from electrical outlets, use sterile sponges, and take care not to sponge in places where you might be attacked by wild boars.

Trivia solution: (c) He had discovered Brazil (which the Mayans had been successfully hiding for hundreds, possibly thousands, of years). Unfortunately, Mr. Pinzon was never very good at keeping up his paper work, so Mr. Cabral’s claim won out.

--- THIS WEEK’S FARMING TIP ---

Once again, the attentive reader will by now have noticed a complete lack of farming tips in this week’s almanac. That’s because weekly farming tips appear in the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is not the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is the Moron’s Almanac. Please try not to get us mixed up again: it confuses us and embarasses the farmers. Thanks.

© 1999, JustMorons.com

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