THE MORON’S ALMANAC © 1999, JustMorons.com

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Almost as reliable as the Farmer’s Almanac®, but without all that crap about farming.

*** Volume 2, Number 5 ***

*** Sunday, May 9 through Saturday, May 15 ***

Saturday, May 15, is a New Moon.

--- MORONIC TRIVIA ---

(Answer below)

On May 15, 1718, James Puckle of London received a patent for:

a. handcuffs.

b. the machine gun.

c. the lipstick tube.

d. the electric pickle.

5. the chainsaw.

Bonus: what was Mr. Puckle’s profession?

---THIS WEEK’S VITAL MORONIC INFO---

May 9

Mother’s Day, U.S.

Victory Day, Croatia, Russia, Ukraine

Flag Day, Germany

May 10

Constitution Day, Micronesia

Inauguration Day, South Africa

May 11

Minnesota Day, Minnesota (U.S.)

May 12

J. V. Snelman's Birthday, Finland

May 13

Second Coup d'Etat, Comoros

May 14

National Unification Day, Liberia

Kamuzu Banda's Birthday, Malawi

Independence Day, Paraguay

May 15
International Pickle Day Eve

--- EGGS, LEGS, AND SMALLPOX ---

May 9 is not a national holiday in the United States, and this is a terrible oversight: on that day in 1960, legislation was passed that revolutionized our culture. And, unlike other important legislation, the kind that titillates law students and philosophers while the rest of us nod and smile and pretend to be appreciative (I’m thinking, for example, of the Infield Fly Rule), this was a law you could like. This was a law you could love. This was the legalization of The Pill.

Interestingly, this legislative watershed came almost exactly twenty years after an important (and equally pleasant) commercial innovation: on May 15, 1940, the first nylons went on sale.

Let’s review: 1940, nylons. 1960, oral contraceptives. 1940-1960, the baby boom.

Any questions?

Incredibly, none of this has anything to do with smallpox, the first inoculation of which was administered on May 14, 1796, by Edward Jenner, whose descendant Bruce would become an Olympic decathlon champion. This medical wonder came only four days after Napoleon’s army had defeated the Austrians (who should not be confused with the Australians, below) in the Battle of Lodi. Now, exactly twenty-two years prior to that, King Louis XV had died of smallpox, on May 10, 1774. When he died, Louis XVI became king, and only five years later (on "La Quatorze Juillet," French for "The Fourth of July"), the Revolution began (mostly because Louis’s wife kept telling everyone to eat cake), which resulted in the Rain of Terror, which resulted, eventually, in Napoleon. And there we are.

--- THIS WEEK IN HISTORY ---

On May 10, 1940, Winston Churchill finally took over Britain and England as prime minister, replacing Infamous Weenie Neville Chamberlain. Mr. Chamberlain got Hitler’s autograph and waved it around like a hankie. Mr. Churchill kicked Hitler’s Nazi ass.

On May 10, 1871, France and Germany signed a peace treaty in which France had to give up a lot of land (Alsace-Lorraine) to Germany. The French thought this was a Raw Deal, and swore they’d get even. After the first world war, they did. In fact, they were so hard on Germany that the Germans swore they’d get even, and during the second world war, they did. (Until Mr. Churchill and Mr. Roosevelt kicked Hitler’s Nazi ass.)

On May 11, 1949, Siam changed its name to Thailand, because everyone was getting tired of those jokes where one guy would say, "Are you familiar with this country?" and the other guy would go "Yeah, Siam," and the first guy would go, "Well, are you?" and the other guy would be like, "Yes! Siam!" and it would go on and on and they’d never give it a rest.

On May 13, 1568, at the battle of Langside, Mary Queen of Scots was defeated by the English. (Historians suspect she might have fared better if she had brought along some soldiers.)

On May 13, 1787, the first fleet of ships carrying convicts left England en route to the new British prison, Australia (not to be confused with Austria, above).

Skylab was launched on May 14, 1973. I mention this only because I’ve got a nice picture. (See the online version of the Almanac.)

The Soviet Union began pulling its troops out of Afghanistan on May 15, 1988, lifting the oppressive yoke from the long-suffering Afghani people and leaving them free to kick the living bejesus out of themselves.

--- BIRTHDAYS THIS WEEK ---

Bono (1960); Donovan (1946); Pat Summerall (1930); Fred Astaire (1899)

Louis Farrakhan (1933); Salvador Dali (1904); Irving Berlin (1888)

Steve Winwood (1948); George Carlin (1937); Tom Snyder (1936); Yogi Berra (1925); Katharine Hepburn (1907); Florence Nightingale (1820)

Dennis Rodman (1961); Stevie Wonder (1950); Richie Valens (1941); Harvey Keitel (1939); Joe Louis (1914); Daphne du Maurier (1907); Empress Maria Theresa (1717)

George Lucas (1944); Bobby Darin (1936)

Emmitt Smith (1969); Eddy Arnold (1918); Joseph Cotton (1905)

--- THE MORONIC FINANCIER ---

Watching the internet stocks in today's market reminds me of the South Sea Bubble, which taught a valuable lesson that many people appear to have forgotten. A couple of hundred years ago, there was a sudden craze for tulips in Holland. People began offering outrageous sums of money for certain kinds of tulip bulbs. It got to the point where you could buy a house with a couple of tulip bulbs. Meanwhile, some poisonous undersea gases had been released from the sea floor off the East Indies, and had risen to the surface in the form of one enormous bubble. This giant bubble then drifted around until it reached Holland, finally bursting right outside Amsterdam, releasing noxious gases that killed all the tulips. Millions of Englishman lost their fortunes overnight, and businessmen in New York threw themselves from their skyscraper windows, and thousands of Savings and Loan companies went bankrupt. The prudent investor should keep this sobering parable of the South Sea Bubble in mind!

--- ASTROLOGICAL FORECAST ---

(See the online version of the almanac for custom weekly forecasts every Wednesday night. This week’s guest astrologist: Salvadore Dali.)

Conditions do not favor romantic activity with animals, but this may be a good time to have your oil changed. Be wary of strangers offering stick-free cookware, and think twice before you have that part of your body pierced. Try to steer clear of people who might one day try to hunt you down and kill you.

Trivia solution: (b) Mr. Puckle patented the world’s first machine gun. (Farsighted persons will not be surprised to learn that "Mr. Puckle's Profession" was not a play by George Bernard Shaw: Mr. Puckle was a lawyer.)

--- HEALTHY LIVING NOTEBOOK ---

Smoking is bad for your health. If you smoke regularly, you are probably not well. A healthy human being does not exude smoke. Things expected to emerge from the healthy human body include tears, sweat, urine, defecation, sweat, saliva, mucus, methane, semen, lactation, and menstruation. Additionally, human flesh will typically bleed when cut, and the contents of the stomach may sometimes be regurgitated from an unwell organism. But at no time should smoke issue from your body, unless you smoke, in which case no problem.

--- THIS WEEK’S FARMING TIP ---

Despite the many useful facts to be found in this weeks almanac, not one of them can be construed as a farming tip. Farming tips appear in the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is not the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is the Moron’s Almanac. Please try not to get us mixed up again: it confuses us and embarrasses the farmers. Thanks.

© 1999, JustMorons.com

Disclaimer: JustMorons.com should not be lit indoors, and should not be ignited by children without adult supervision. Light fuse and get away.