THE MORON’S ALMANAC © 1999, JustMorons.com

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Almost as reliable as the Farmer’s Almanac®, but without all that crap about farming.

*** Volume 2, Number 6 ***

*** Sunday, May 16 through Saturday, May 22 ***

--- MORONIC TRIVIA ---

(Answer below)

On May 18, 1920, Pope John Paul II was born around Krakow, Poland. What’s his real name?

1. Carol Wojowiecz
2. Karol Wojojtski
3. Karol Wojtyla
4. John Paul Wojinski
5. John Paul George Ringo

Bonus: is the Pope Catholic?

---THIS WEEK’S VITAL MORONIC INFO---

Constitution Day, Nauru

Gaza Liberation Day, Palestine

Flag and University Day, Haiti

Social Development Day, Niger

St. Erik's Day, Sweden

Las Piedras Day, Uruguay

Pope’s Birthday, Vatican

Youth and Sports Day, Turkey

Ho Chi Minh's Birthday, Vietnam

Constitution Reform Day, Cameroon

Independence Day, Cuba

Flag Day, Sudan

Battle of Iquique Day, Chile

Napoleon Bonaparte's Death Day, St. Helena

Flag Day, Australia

Republic Day, Sri Lanka

Day of National Unity, Yemen

--- BALZAC, WAGNER, CAPRA, STEWART, AND PICKLES ---

May 20 is the bicentennial birthday of Honore de Balzac, who (in case you haven’t already done the math in your head) was born in France on May 20, 1799. Balzac created a vast body of literature that he called La Comédie Humaine ("A Vast Body of Literature"). It consisted of dozens of novels, short stories, and plays interwoven with many of the same characters, places, events, weather patterns, meals, horses, etc. His most celebrated characters include Rastignac, the ambitious provincial hayseed who comes to Paris to make his fortune, and succeeds only at the expense of his soul; old Goriot, the tender and doting father whose selfish daughters carelessly bankrupt and drive him to an early grave; the villain Vautrin; the harlot Esther; Buck Jackson, the bruising fullback with the heart of gold; and the brilliant and big-hearted Dr. Bianchon. It is rumored that Balzac’s dying words were, "If Bianchon were here, he would save me!" The anecdote, however, is probably apocryphal (apocryphal is French for "bullshit"): Balzac didn’t speak English.

Richard Wagner was born on May 22, 1813. Wagner is one of the most controversial personalities of the nineteenth century, and wrote some of its most controversial music. (Noted opera critic Mark Twain attended a Wagner opera in Germany, and confessed that he had had a hard time telling when the orchestra had stopped warming up and begun playing.) Wagner was a notorious anti-semite. Hitler is said for most of his life to have kept only three books on his nightstand: Wagner’s autobiography, Machiavelli’s "The Prince," and "The Best of Juggs." (How Hitler ended up with Wagner’s nightstand is a question best left alone.) Wagner considered it his life’s mission to create a new and purely German music, in German, about Germany, for Germans, and he is perhaps best known for having scored the helicopter scene in "Apocalypse Now."

Frank Capra was born on May 18, 1897, and Jimmy Stewart was born on May 20, 1908. Without them we would not have had such American classics as "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington" and its sequels: "Mr. Smith Goes Back to Washington," "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington Again," "Mr. Smith Is Still in Washington," and, "Mr. Smith Dies in Office." Or "It’s a Wonderful Life" and all of its own wonderful sequels: "It’s a Really Wonderful Life," "It Just Doesn’t Get Any Better Than Life," and "You Can All Go Straight to Hell."

It’s International Pickle Week. Drink responsibly.

--- THIS WEEK IN HISTORY ---

On May 16, 1763, James Boswell first met Samuel Johnson in Tom Davie’s London bookshop. Due to the lax stalking laws of the period, Mr. Boswell followed Mr. Johnson around for several decades. On May 19, 1795, to Mr. Johnson’s understandably immense relief, Mr. Boswell died.

On May 17, 1673, Louis Joliet and Jacques Marquette first set out to explore the course of the Mississippi, which they believed would lead them to paradise. Unfortunately it only took them to New Orleans, and they weren’t even in time for Mardi Gras.

On May 19, 1935, Thomas Edward Lawrence was killed in a motorcycle accident. Lawrence was a British officer who can also be seen in "The Lion in Winter," "Becket," "The Stunt Man," and "My Favorite Year."

On May 21,1927, Charles Lindbergh became the first man to fly across the Atlantic solo (i.e., alone). Exactly five years later, Amelia Earhart became the first woman to do it. That’s a hell of a coincidence.

On May 22, 1761, the first American life insurance policy was issued, in Philadelphia. The owner of the policy died, yet to this day millions of Americans still trust their lives to life insurance.

On May 22, 1908, the Wright Brothers patented their new machine, which they called "the toaster." Sales lagged until they changed its name to "the airplane," and to this day men and women all over the world use airplanes every morning to warm their toast.

On May 22, 1939, Adolf Hitler and Benito Mussolini signed their "Pact of Steel," committing their countries to a military alliance. The pact held. Their "Pact of Aluminum" had failed miserably, and their "Pact of Semi-Adhesive Paste" is still the butt of diplomats’ jokes.

(Thirty-three years later Ceylon became Sri Lanka, as if trying to conceal something.)

--- BIRTHDAYS THIS WEEK ---

Janet Jackson (1966)

Liberace (1919)

Studs Terkel (1912)

Henry Fonda (1905)

William Seward (1801)

Sugar Ray Leonard (1956)

Dennis Hopper (1936)

Maureen O'Sullivan (1911)

Ayatollah Khomeini (1900)

Chow Yun-Fat (1955)

Reggie Jackson (1946)

Pope John Paul II (1920)

Perry Como (1912)

Frank Capra (1897)

Walter Gropius (1883)

Grace Jones (1952)

Pete Townshend (1945)

Nora Ephron (1941)

Malcolm X (1925)

Ho Chi Minh (1890)

Honore Balzac (1799)

Cher (1946)

Joe Cocker (1944)

George Gobel (1919)

Jimmy Stewart (1908)

Mr. T (1952)

Raymond Burr (1917)

Harold Robbins (1916)

Fats Waller (1904)

Alexander Pope (1688)

Richard Benjamin (1938)

Laurence Olivier (1907)

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (1859)

Richard Wagner (1813)

--- THE MORONIC FINANCIER ---

Many readers have requested information on Options. Options are not very complicated, and can greatly enhance your financial life. Here is how they work.

Say you have ten thousand dollars in capital. Well, you could just buy a lot of stock and hope the value of those stocks keeps rising. Or you could put it into Mutual Funds, which are just combinations of stocks, and hopefully their value would rise too. Or you could blow it all on a wild weekend binge in Las Vegas. These are called Options. Try to pick the right one.

People who pick the right Options will do well. People who pick the wrong Options will end up living in a cardboard box and losing all their teeth.

I guarantee it.

[Trivia solution: (c) the Pope’s name at birth was Karol Wojtyla (no relation). Bonus answer - the Pope is indeed Catholic. Bonus bonus: John Paul was the first non-Italian Pope in 455 years.]

--- WORD OF THE WEEK ---

This week’s word is prequel, from the Latin "pre," meaning before, and "quel," meaning absolutely nothing. The word sequel comes from the Latin verb sequi, to follow. To ‘follow before’ makes no sense at all, since something that comes first is leading, not following--unless it’s being chased, or walking backwards, which may be splitting hairs. (The world record for splitting hairs is 108 splits of a single human hair.) The word prequel therefore is about as logical as spaceships exploding in space making sounds. (Space, as everyone knows, is a vacuum, and because nature abhors her she won’t let anyone else get a word in edgewise.)

--- ASTROLOGICAL FORECAST ---

(See the online version of the almanac for custom weekly forecasts every Wednesday night. This week’s guest astrologist has not yet been confirmed, but negotiations are close to complete.)

An excellent week to rethink everything you thought last week. (What the hell were you thinking?) Conditions favor pinochle, bocce, bridge, and other contact sports, but be careful around pallet jacks. A beloved pet may contract rickets. Don’t commute in your underwear.

--- THIS WEEK’S FARMING TIP ---

Whatever others may say to the contrary, the Moron’s Almanac does not now possess, nor has it ever possessed, a single farming tip. Farming tips appear in the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is not the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is the Moron’s Almanac. Please try not to get us mixed up again: it confuses us and embarrasses the farmers. Thanks.

© 1999, JustMorons.com

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