THE MORON’S ALMANAC © 1999, JustMorons.com

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Almost as reliable as the Farmer’s Almanac®, but without all that crap about farming.

*** Volume 2, Number 7 ***

*** Sunday, May 23 through Saturday, May 29 ***

--- MORONIC TRIVIA ---

(Answer below)

What did Mathias Rust do on May 28, 1987?

1. Burned himself alive to protest the Edict of Worms
2. Carved a statue of the Pope out of soap
3. Attempted to assassinate Woodrow Wilson
4. Invented the Mathias Rust Defibrillating Wiper Blade®
5. Landed a plane in Red Square

Bonus: what was his real name?

---THIS WEEK’S VITAL MORONIC INFO---

Labor Day, Jamaica

Constitutional Ammendment Day, Morocco

Victoria Day, Canada

Bermuda Day, Bermuda

Culture Day, Bulgaria

Independence Day, Eritrea

Commonwealth Day, Trinidad & Tobago

Africa Day, Africa

Revolution Day, Argentina

Independence Day, Jordan

Miss Universe Pageant, Trinidad

Independence Day, Georgia

Independence Day, Guyana

Heroes’ Day, Uganda

Republic Day, Armenia

Independence Day, Azerbaijan

Flag Day, Finland

--- THE HEARTLESS & THE HEADLESS ---

Jean-Paul Marat was born in Switzerland on May 24, 1743. But we’ll get back to him in a moment.

Four days later, on May 28, 1743, Joseph Ignace Guillotine was born in France. Eventually he became a doctor. He was a politically active humanitarian, so it bothered him watching all the executions of the French Revolution. He was sure there was a better way to kill people.

Eventually he came up with a machine that chopped the victim’s head off by means of a heavy suspended blade that would rush down a pair of siderails onto the victim’s neck. Not only was it quick and painless: it was a damn fine show, and it was a jolly little sport to speculate where the victim’s head would land. Dr. Guillotine enjoyed watching the youngsters scampering playfully about the machine, fighting for the severed head.

Meanwhile, Jean-Paul Marat had grown up, moved to France, and become a Very Angry Man, leading inevitably to a career in journalism. In his paper The Friend of the People, he railed against the nobility, the aristocracy, the upper class, the upper middle-class, the middle middle-class, the lower middle-class, and the class clown. More than anything, however, he hated religion, and he could often be found in churches making fart sounds during sermons.

These silly eccentricities endeared him to the leading intellectuals and revolutionaries of the age, so that when the revolution broke out and he suggested they kill everyone who belonged to the nobility, the aristocracy, the upper class, the upper middle-class, the middle middle-class, the lower middle-class, or whatever, they were like, "okay." And when he said they should also kill all the priests, they were like "okay." And when he said they should also kill everyone who ever went to church, they were like "okay." And so on.

In the old days, it would have been hard to kill so many people, but thanks to the genius of Dr. Guillotine, they were able to kill lots of them quickly, and gently, and in a way that made the children laugh and sing right up to the moment when they had their own heads chopped off.

Dr. Guillotine was eventually guillotined, and Mr. Marat was stabbed to death in his own bathtub, and on May 23, 1934, Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow were riddled with bullets in a police ambush, which only goes to show.

--- THIS WEEK IN HISTORY ---

On May 23, 1734, Friedrich Anton Mesmer was born. Mr. Mesmer was a physician and hypnotist who developed a peculiar method of curing by suggestion that bears his name to this day: Antonism. (Antonism should not be confused with Antonyms, which is an antonym for Synonyms. Synonyms should not be confused with Cinnamon, which is used on hot buns. It will spare embarrassment at the breakfast table if hot buns are not confused with hot buns.)

Gabriel Fahrenheit was born on May 24, 1686. Mr. Fahrenheit was a Clever Bastard who constantly bickered with his colleague, fellow Clever Bastard Gustav Celsius. Mr. Fahrenheit thought water should freeze at 32 degrees, and Mr. Celsius insisted that it should freeze at zero. They had a contest to determine who was right, and unfortunately they both cheated, so they both appeared to be right. Years of bloody conflict followed, and the question has not been settled to this day.

On May 24, 1819, Queen Victoria was born as Princess Alexandria Victoria at Kensington Palace, London. She reigned for sixty-four years, and lent her name to an era best remembered for its prudery and chastity. The purity of the era was probably the result of so many citizens having to stay home and care for their children, since that era saw the largest population explosion in British (and English) history.

May 24 is Culture Day in Bulgaria.

On May 24, 1844, Samuel Morse sent the world’s first telegraph message to his associate. The message was "What hath God wrought?" Mr. Morse’s associate didn’t know, and did not advance to the next round, although he did receive a year’s supply of Turtle Wax.

On May 24, 1883, the Brooklyn Bridge was opened to the public. On May 27, 1937, the Golden Gate Bridge opened. I just thought that was interesting.

On May 25, 1925, John Scopes was indicted for teaching evolution in school. Evolution was a theory put forth by Charles Darwin, whose boat was named "the Beagle." People objected to this theory, which put forth the proposition that mankind had evolved from life forms with hairy red asses. This resulted in the famous Scopes Monkey Trial, in which Spencer Tracy gave a long monologue that changed everyone’s minds even though it was so darn hot in the courtroom.

On May 27, 1679, England’s Parliament passed the Habeas Corpus Act. Habeas corpus is Latin for "Have a body;" the Act meant that police could no longer arrest people if they didn’t have a body.

Patrick Henry was born on May 29, 1736. Mr. Henry was an American patriot who was always saying "give me liberty or give me death." People would say, "Would you like some more potatoes, Pat?" And he’d say, "Give me liberty or give me death!" Or they’d be like, "You want another drink there, friend?" And he’d go, "Give me liberty, or give me death." It irritated everyone. It got to the point where his wife wouldn’t even talk to him anymore. Finally he died, and no one at the funeral could keep a straight face because, you know.

--- BIRTHDAYS THIS WEEK ---

Drew Carey (1958); Marvin Hagler (1952); Rosemary Clooney (1928); Scatman Crothers (1910); Douglas Fairbanks, Sr. (1883)

Gary Burghoff (1943); Bob Dylan (1941); Gabriel Fahrenheit (1686); Jean Paul Marat (1743); Queen Victoria, England (1819)

Anne Heche (1969); Frank Oz (1944); Miles Davis (1926); Claude Akins (1918); Ralph W. Emerson (1803)

Sally Ride (1951); Stevie Nicks (1948); Brent Musburger (1939); John Wayne (1907); Al Jolson (1886)

Henry Kissinger (1923); Hubert H. Humphrey (1911); Vincent Price (1911); Dashiell Hammett (1894); Isadora Duncan (1878); Wild Bill Hickock (1837)

Rudolph Giuliani (1944); Gladys Knight (1944); Ian Fleming (1908); Jim Thorpe (1888)

Annette Bening (1958); Al Unser (1939); John F. Kennedy (1917); T.H. White (1906); Bob Hope (1903); Patrick Henry (1736); King Charles II, England (1630)

--- THE MORONIC FINANCIER ---

A lot of people are concerned about the Euro, fearing it may replace the American dollar as the preferred currency of poor desperate bastards in faraway places whose own currencies aren’t worth the soggy-ass paper they’re printed on.

This is a foolish worry.

Although the Euro will be a strong and stable currency, it cannot be forgotten that it will still be a European currency. It will therefore come in different sizes and colors, and will have pictures of strange old men and women that you can only see when you hold it up to the light. That is not a very serious threat to American currency, which comes in one size and color and fits neatly in your wallet. Poor desperate bastards in faraway places don’t want currency to hang on their refrigerator doors. Poor desperate bastards in faraway places don’t have refrigerators. They have chickens running around their little dirt-floor huts and goats wandering around their unpaved village roads. People in such circumstances don’t want some dandified currency with a lot of fancy colors in a lot of weird sizes. They want a good, reliable currency that's pale green and rectangular.

I guarantee it.

--- HEALTHY LIVING NOTEBOOK ---

As summer approaches, many people want to lose weight, tone their physiques, and get some color before hitting the beaches. They should have thought of that in November.

[Trivia solution: (e) He flew from Helsinki into the Soviet Union and landed in the middle of Red Square, exposing the Soviet Union’s susceptibility to attack by little propellor airplanes. This eventually resulted in the collapse of the Soviet Union, the fall of the Berlin Wall, and the total destruction of Boris Yeltsin’s liver. Bonus answer – Mathias Rust’s real name was Mathias Rust.]

--- ASTROLOGICAL FORECAST ---

(See the online version of the almanac for custom weekly forecasts every Wednesday night. This week’s guest astrologist: Nobel Prize winning statesman Henry Kissinger.)

This is not a good week to take up hobbies such as tightrope walking, fire-eating, or sword-swallowing, but you can’t go wrong with sensible shoes. If you must wear lavender, steer clear of terrariums. Use stink-bait and hundred-pound wire. Avoid contortionists, and get plenty of rest.

--- THIS WEEK’S FARMING TIP ---

Had this been the Farmer’s Almanac®, this would probably be a farming tip. This, however, is not the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is the Moron’s Almanac. Please try not to get us mixed up again: it confuses us and embarrasses the farmers. Thanks.

© 1999, JustMorons.com

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