The Moron's Almanac

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Almost as reliable as the Farmer’s Almanac®, but without all that crap about farming.

*** Volume 2, Number 8 ***

*** Sunday, May 30 through Saturday, June 5 ***

If your browser supports hyperlinks, you can access the online edition of the almanac, with all its links and images and everything, by clicking here: http://www.justmorons.com/almanac.html.

--- EDITORIAL NOTE ---

In an effort to improve our ranking on search engines, the editorial board of The Moron’s Almanac has resolved by unanimous vote to make this the world’s first and only all nude almanac. This change is necessary because it has come to our attention that search engines on the web are using the text from within a site to rank a site’s relevance to a search request, and "nude" is among the most frequently sought search terms. Making the change to an all nude format will help us keep abreast of other sites, whose cocksure metatags titillate search engines with cleverly cloaked sexual terminology. You don’t need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows. It’s hard to keep up with this screwy world, but I’ve assessed the situation and I think we can lick it.

So beginning with this issue, and in all future issues, the Moron’s Almanac will be all nude. It will also always be free. Free and nude. Tell your friends. There is no other all nude almanac, anywhere. For Free.

Also, we’re starting a new feature on the website: Moronic Meditations. These will be short blasts of foolishness provided by a variety of humorists, playwrights, screenwriters, poets, and other scribblers, and will be updated a couple of times a week. They will be held to the same strict standards of inaccuracy that Just Morons has always striven to maintain.

I hope you enjoy the new, all nude format, and that you’ll take a look at the Meditations.

This Moron,

Proprietor

--- MORONIC TRIVIA ---

(Answer below)

True or false: on May 31, 1913, the 17^th amendment to the U.S. Constitution was ratified. This amendment provided for the direct election of the president and vice-president.

---THIS WEEK’S VITAL MORONIC INFO---

May 30 is Anguilla Day in Anguilla.

May 31 is Memorial Day in the U.S.

May 31 is Independence Day in South Africa.

June 1 is Children's Day in China, Laos, and Mozambique.

June 1 is Self-Rule Day in Kenya.

June 1 is Navy Day in Mexico.

June 1 is President's Day in Palau.

The National Scripps Howard Spelling Bee Finals begin in Washington, D.C., on June 2.

The US International Film & Video Festival begins in Chicago on June 3.

June 4 is Flag Day in Panama.

June 4 is Emancipation Day in Tonga.

June 5 is Apostles Day in the Czech Republic.

June 5 is Constitution Day in Denmark.

June 5 is Flag Day in Turkey.

June 5 is World Environment Day in the United Nations.

--- THE POETIC MONTH ---

Welcome to June! June is traditionally considered the poet’s month because with the warming of the earth and the lengthening light of the fragrant evenings, thoughts inevitably turn to romance as hearts and passions swell. Also, June rhymes with a lot of words. For example: afternoon, aswoon, attune, baboon, balloon, bassoon, bestrewn, boon, buffoon, cartoon, cocoon, commune, croon, doubloon, dragoon, dune, entune, expugn, festoon, harpoon, hewn, honeymoon, immune, inopportune, impugn, jejune, lagoon, lampoon, loon, macaroon, maroon, monsoon, moon, noon, pantaloon, picayune, platoon, poltroon, pontoon, prune, raccoon, rune, saloon, soon, spittoon, spoon, strewn, swoon, tune, tycoon, typhoon, untune.

Why not write a poem now? Use it to impress that special someone, your colleagues at work, your pals at the bar, even the nurse at the methadone clinic. If you write an especially bad one, please feel free to send it in: if it’s bad enough I’ll be sure to include it in next week’s almanac.

--- THIS NUDE WEEK IN HISTORY ---

The brassiere was invented on May 30, 1889. Celebrate responsibly.

It was on May 31 that Lady Godiva rode butt naked on horseback through Coventry, England, to protest the high tax rate established by her husband, Earl Leofric of Mercia. Her protest worked, and he lowered taxes. The Moron’s Almanac strongly endorses this type of civil disobedience, and reminds readers that taxes are pretty high just about everywhere these days.

On May 31, 1902, the Treaty of Vereeniging was signed, canceling the Bore War for lack of interest. (The Bore War should not be confused with the Boar War, which was much more exciting, largely on account of tusks.)

On June 2, 1793, the "Rain of Terror" officially began in France. This was one of the worst meteorological events in French history, and cost hundreds of thousands of lives.

The Marquis de Sade was born on June 2, 1740, and his sexual proclivities made his name a noun (his sexual proclivities have been preserved in a mason jar at the Louvre). Exactly one hundred years later, Thomas Hardy was born.

On June 4, 1717, the Freemasons were founded in London. The Freemasons are not a secret society of assassins. They do not have Cesar Borgia’s head preserved in an urn. They were not responsible for the French Revolution. They did not kidnap Anastasia Romanov. They are not in control of the Hale-Bopp comet. They did not invent horseradish.

--- BIRTHDAYS THIS NUDE WEEK ---

May 30

Wynonna Judd (1964); Benny Goodman (1909); Mel Blanc (1908); Peter the Great (1672)

May 31

Brooke Shields (1965); Joe Namath (1943); Johnny Paycheck (1941); Clint Eastwood (1930); Fred Allen (1894); Walt Whitman (1819); King Manuel I, Portugal (1469)

June 1

Alanis Morissette (1974); Rene Auberjonois (1940); Morgan Freeman (1937); Pat Boone (1934); Andy Griffith (1926); Marilyn Monroe (1926); Brigham Young (1801)

June 2

Jerry Mathers (1948); Marvin Hamlisch (1944); Johnny Weissmuller (1904); Thomas Hardy (1840); Marquis de Sade (1740); King Henry VIII, England (1491)

June 3

Colleen Dewhurst (1926); Allen Ginsberg (1926); Tony Curtis (1925); Josephine Baker (1906); Jefferson Davis (1808)

June 4

Dr. Ruth Westheimer (1928); Dennis Weaver (1924); King George III, England (1738)

June 5

Marky Mark (1971); Ken Follett (1949); Bill Moyers (1934); Francisco "Pancho" Villa (1878)

--- THE NAKED FINANCIER ---

The Moronic Financier refused to undress for this week’s financial segment, and has therefore been put on indefinite leave pending removal of his clothing.

We guarantee it.

--- HEALTHY NUDE LIVING NOTEBOOK ---

It’s almost summer, and thoughts turn to outdoor activities like swimming, boating, volleyball, adultery, and barbecues. Nothing could pose a greater threat to your health. One study after another has revealed that summer is one of the four deadliest seasons of the year. Fully twenty-five percent of all fatal accidents occur in the summer. Protect your health this summer: stay indoors and refuse all visitors. There’ll be plenty of time for safe and healthy fun this fall.

--- WORD OF THE WEEK ---

This week’s word is "nude," uncomplicatedly derived from the Latin adjective nudus, meaning naked (i.e., nude). Synonyms include bare, undressed, exposed, in the raw, in one’s birthday suit, in the altogether, in the buff, stripped, and unclothed.

--- ALL NUDE ASTROLOGICAL FORECAST ---

(See the online version of the almanac for custom weekly forecasts every Wednesday night. This week’s guest astrologist: Dr. Ruth Westheimer and Allen Ginsberg.)

Conditions this week augur ominously for the use of pepper mills, especially in the presence of ferrets. Blowing up a prophylactic as if it were a balloon could get you in trouble, but mooning the boss could make you new friends. A secret admirer changes their mind about you and begins admiring someone else. Avoid lasagne, bright eyeliner, and cellophane underwear. Stop giggling whenever someone says nipple.

Trivia solution: False. The seventeenth amendment provides for the direct election of senators. Previously, their names had been drawn from a hat.

--- THIS WEEK’S NAKED FARMING TIP ---

There is no farming tip this week. There wasn’t one last week. There won’t be one next week. Farming tips appear in the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is not the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is the Moron’s Almanac. Please try not to get us mixed up again: it confuses us and embarrasses the farmers. Thanks.

Disclaimer: JustMorons.com does not prevent tooth decay. Brush and floss after every meal.