THE MORON’S ALMANAC © 1999, JustMorons.com

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Almost as reliable as the Farmer’s Almanac®, but without all that crap about farming.

*** Volume 2, Number 9 ***

*** Sunday, May 6 through Saturday, June 12 ***

--- MORONIC TRIVIA ---

(Answer below)

On June 6, 1933, the first drive-in movie theater opened in Camden, New Jersey. It was able to accommodate 400 cars. What movie was shown that night?

a. Mardi Gras Mistress

b. Lover Look Out

c. Wife Beware

d. New Orleans Noogie

e. Lovefest ‘33

Bonus: what rising young star appeared in that movie?

---THIS WEEK’S VITAL MORONIC INFO---

June 6 is Flag Day in Sweden

June 7 is Liberation Day in Chad

June 7 is Prince Joachim's Birthday in Denmark

June 7 is Republic Day in Iceland

June 7 is Riot Commemoration Day in Malta

June 7 is Unionsopplosningen in Norway

"The Real World: Honolulu," premieres on MTV, June 8

June 10 is Arab Revolt and Army Day in Jordan

June 10 is Luis de Camoes Day in Portugal

The MTV Movie Awards air at 8pm on June 10

June 10 is the Annual Superman Celebration in Metropolis, IL

June 11 is King Kamehameha I Day, Hawaii

June 12 is Flag Day in Luxembourg

June 12 is Flag Day in New Zealand

June 12 is Independence Day in Philippines

June 12 is Independence Day in Russia

June 12 is Wyatt Earp’s Birthday Celebration in Monmouth, IL

--- D IS FOR... ---

As anyone who’s ever studied calculus can tell you, anniversaries take on an added significance when they come in multiples of five or ten. So it’s especially significant that exactly sixty-five (65) years ago, on June 9, 1934, an American legend made his first appearance on the silver screen. Since then, he has appeared in over 450 films in more than 200 languages, held lead roles in dozens of television serials and hundreds of specials, has been the primary subject of literally thousands of books and magazines in virtually every language in which books and magazines are printed, and has done all of this without pants. I’m talking, of course, about the world’s favorite lazy, bare-assed, hotheaded mallard. I’m talking about Donald Duck.

Here is Duck writer and artist Carl Barks talking about Donald: "I always felt myself to be an unlucky person like Donald, who is a victim of so many circumstances. But there isn't a person in the United States who couldn't identify with him. He is everything, he is everybody; he makes the same mistakes that we all make. He is sometimes a villain, and he is often a real good guy, and at all times he is just a blundering person like the average human being, and I think that is one of the reasons people like the duck."

D is also for "D-Day," which was fifty-five (55) years ago, on June 6, 1944. D-Day was the day of the allied invasion of Normandy, which was called Operation Overlord. It was the biggest amphibian ("frog-like") operation in history. This valiant effort ultimately resulted in the defeat of Hitler’s Nazi war machine, the restoration of peace and democracy throughout most of western Europe, and a whole hatful of Oscars for Steven Spielberg.

(The military calls the date of every major operation "D-Day," probably to confuse the enemy. This would have been especially confusing in Normandy, which is in France, where "Day" begins with a "J." German spies were probably waiting to hear something about "J" day.)

D is also for "Denys," as in Jean-Baptiste Denys, the personal physician to Louis XIV. Dr. Denys performed the first blood transfusion in history 332 years ago, on June 12, 1667. He performed the transfusion on a fifteen year old boy using blood from a sheep. The experiment was considered a success, although it was clearly a disappointment if you were rooting for the sheep.

And lastly, of course, D is for Damn!, which is what a lot of people probably said on June 9, 1991, when Mount Pinatubo erupted for the first time in 600 years.

--- THIS WEEK IN HISTORY ---

Alexander Sergeyevich Pushkin was born on June 6, 1799. It is therefore the bicentennial of his birth. (1999 – 1799 = 200.) All of Russia is celebrating. They’re distracted. We could really pull one over on them right now.

Cole Porter was born on June 9, 1892. At words poetic he was so pathetic that he always thought it best, instead of letting them off his chest, to let them rest, unexpressed. He went to Yale.

On June 7, 1494, Spain and Portugal signed the Treaty of Tordesillas. I mention this only because there are lot of treaties we’re expected to be familiar with, and this is not one of them. You will never be standing at a cocktail party where someone says, "It’s all because of that damn Treaty of Tordesillas." No one will ever blame World War II on the harsh conditions of the Treaty of Tordesillas. You’ll never see some smarmy article in some smarmy magazine tossing off the "Treaty of Tordesillas" in an ironic and off-handed way. You already know more about that treaty than most of the people alive today. And now you can forget the Treaty of Tordesillas ever existed. It has no relevance to your life at all.

Ugo Buoncompagni was born on June 7, 1502. He became Pope Gregory III in 1572, and remained Pope until 1585. He reformed the Julian calendar, which is why it’s now Gregorian instead of Julian, although it might have been more fun if he had reformed the calendar before he was pope, because then, you know: Ugian Calendar.

On June 8, 632, Mohammed died. He was the founder of Islam, and his death was the first in a long chain of events that ultimately resulted in the Treaty of Tordesillas.

June 8, 1869, Ives W. McGaffey of Chicago patented his "sweeping machine," the first suction vacuum cleaner ever. This rendered Chicago famous for sucking long before the Cubs came along.

Maurice Sendak was born on June 10, 1929. Mr. Sendak wrote the celebrated children’s book, "Where the Wild Things Are," in which a young boy threatens to eat his own mother and subsequently experiences violent hallucinations.

The Swiss Army Knife was patented on June 12, 1897. Switzerland hasn’t won a war since.

--- BIRTHDAYS THIS WEEK ---

Bjorn Borg (1956)

Sandra Bernhard (1955)

Thomas Mann (1875)

Alexander Sergeyevich Pushkin (1799)

Nathan Hale (1755)

Pierre Corneille (1606)

Anna Kournikova (1981)

Formerly Known as Prince (1958)

Tom Jones (1940)

Dean Martin (1917)

Jessica Tandy (1909)

Paul Gauguin (1848)

Pope Gregory III (1502)

Boz Scaggs (1944)

Nancy Sinatra (1940)

Barbara Bush (1925)

Frank Lloyd Wright (1867)

R.A. Schumann (1810)

Sir Francis Crick (1916)

Michael J. Fox (1961)

Jackie Mason (1934)

Cole Porter (1892)

Tara Lipinski (1982)

F. Lee Bailey (1933)

Maurice Sendak (1928)

Judy Garland (1922)

Saul Bellow (1915)

Joe Montana (1956)

Adrienne Barbeau (1945)

Gene Wilder (1935)

Vince Lombardi (1913)

Jacques Cousteau (1910)

Marv Albert (1941)

Jim Nabors (1932)

Anne Frank (1929)

George Bush (1924)

Wyatt Earp

--- HEALTHY LIVING NOTEBOOK ---

Every year, millions of Americans are dragged down to hell by Lucifer and roasted forever in the infernal flames of the netherworld. Whenever people find out I’m a health writer, one of the first things they ask is how they can avoid being dragged down to hell by Lucifer and roasted forever in the infernal flames of the netherworld (or how much liposuction costs, depending). Here’s what I tell them: you’re a sinner, you’re a wicked, wicked sinner, and Lucifer’s going to drag you down to hell and roast you forever in the infernal flames of the netherworld no matter what you do. Fortunately, however, Lucifer can’t touch you until you’re dead, so the real trick is not to die. And the trick to not dying is staying healthy. Staying healthy, and not sticking your fingers in electrical outlets.

And avoiding poisonous snakes.

--- ASTROLOGICAL FORECAST ---

(See the online version of the almanac for custom weekly forecasts every Wednesday night. This week’s guest astrologist is anyone’s guess.)

This is not the time to reupholster your furniture or show up at work wrapped in cellophane, but it is an excellent week to apply a fresh coat of paint to small articles of furniture, house pets, and children. Close friends may appear to be acting irrationally: they’re just sober. Avoid low-fat cheeses, non-dairy creamers, and decaffeinated burritos. And get that sludge out from under your toenails. (Were you waiting for it to crawl away?) Buy socks.

Trivia solution: (c) Wife Beware. Bonus: no rising young stars appeared in this film, only hopeful young actors whose careers amounted to nothing in the end, and who died of cirrhosis ages ago in Burbank convalescent homes.

--- THIS WEEK’S NAKED FARMING TIP ---

The Moron’s Almanac may feature steak tips, pencil tips, and rib tips, but you’ll never see a farming tip here. Farming tips appear in the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is not the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is the Moron’s Almanac. Please try not to get us mixed up again: it confuses us and embarrasses the farmers. Thanks.

© 1999, JustMorons.com

Disclaimer: JustMorons.com contains sulfites.