THE MORON’S ALMANAC © 1999, JustMorons.com

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Almost as reliable as the Farmer’s Almanac®, but without all that crap about farming.

*** Volume 2, Number 10 ***

*** Sunday, May 13 through Saturday, June 19 ***

--- MORONIC TRIVIA ---

(Answer below)

Charles II, king of the Franks from 843-877, was born on June 13, 823. What was he known as?

1. Charles the Bald
2. Charles the Lugubrious
3. Charles the Plump
4. Charles the Delicate
5. Chuckie Boy

Bonus: who were the Franks?

---THIS WEEK’S VITAL MORONIC INFO---

New Moon

Flag Day, Palau

Day of Mourning, Estonia

Liberation Day, Falkland Islands (UK)

Flag Day, U.S.A.

Valdemar's Day, Denmark

Imre Nagy's Death, Hungary

Youth Day, South Africa

Constitution Day, Iceland

Evacuation Day, Egypt

Labor Day, Trinidad and Tobago

Jose Gervasio Artigas' Birthday, Uruguay

Father’s Day Eve, U.S.A.

--- WATERLOOS ---

On June 18, 1815, one of the most decisive battles in the history of Europe was fought in Belgium, as a resurgent Napoleon Bonaparte launched his last military offensive against the Duke of Wellington and the Prussian Marshal Blücher. Nearly 50,000 men were killed in the battle. This battle was commemorated by Swedish sensation Abba in their 1970s hit, "Waterloo." Abba’s interpretation of Waterloo’s significance has been controversial from the start, as it tended to focus less on the military and political implications of the battle than on the feelings of euphoria typically incited by hormonal rushes of erotic excitement.

On June 18, 1817, Waterloo Bridge was opened over the River Thames in London, probably in anticipation of the great Abba hit.

Another famous historic defeat is celebrated this week. On June 13, 1381, Englishman Wat Tyler became so outraged over a tax increase that he decided to have Wat Tyler’s Rebellion, in which he led the Pheasants against the government, burning the Archbishop of Salisbury at the Stake (hence "Salisbury Steak"). They killed several other important villains who had probably been seen kicking dogs and stealing candy from babies. In the end (which was only three days later, on June 16), Mr. Tyler was killed, and the Pheasants went home (hence "pheasants coming home to roost").

Ironically, Wat Tyler’s Rebellion included the 166^th anniversary of the Magna Carta (aka, "The Magna Charta," aka "The Big Chart"), which was signed by King John at Runnymede on June 15, 1215. The Magna Charta was one of the first documents ever to establish the concept of individual liberty, although there is still some question as to whether that was such a good idea.

Further back in history, on June 13, 323 BC, Alexander the Great realized there was nothing left to conquer and therefore died. Of course, there really was a lot left to conquer, so what he didn’t know did in fact kill him. He was not the only one to be killed by what he didn’t know: O.J. Simpson was arrested on June 17, 1994, for the murder of his ex-wife, whom it later became apparent he hadn’t killed. Had Nicole known she hadn’t actually been killed, she might still be alive today.

--- THIS WEEK IN HISTORY ---

On June 13, 1917, fourteen German Gotha bomber planes flew over London in the first aerial bombardment in history (not counting Zeppelins). Exactly twenty-seven years later, Germany commemorated the anniversary by launching the first of its V-1 flying bombs on southern England. Exactly forty-six years after that, East Germany began tearing down the Berlin Wall. June 13 obviously has some importance in the Teutonic psyche; avoid men in lederhosen this week.

On June 15, 1520, Pope Leo X (no relation to Malcolm or the Generation) excommunicated Martin Luther with a papal bull. Pope Leo X is justly famous for his use of bulls, although not quite as famous as Catherine the Great for her use of horses.

On June 15, 1752, Benjamin Franklin flew a kite in a thunderstorm to prove his now famous theory that lightning is some powerful shit.

On June 15, 1904, the New York steamship General Slocum caught fire and sank, sending 1000 passengers to their watery graves. Although they were mostly women and children on a church outing, the sinking was not deemed sufficiently tragic to get its own movie, although a sitcom has not yet been ruled out.

June 16, 1904, is the date on which all the events depicted in James Joyce’s famous novel Ulysses take place. To celebrate this literary holiday (called "Bloomsday," in honor of the novel’s protagonist), all of the book’s fans gather together on this day each year, and drink until they both pass out.

On June 17, 1775, American forces were defeated by the British at Breed’s Hill, near Boston, in the Battle of Bunker Hill, although not until they saw the whites of their eyes. This should not be confused with the Battle of Breed’s Hill, fought on Bunker Hill, which the Americans won after shooting like hell at anything that moved.

On June 19, 1903, baseball great Lou Gehrig was born. He died of Lou Gehrig’s disease, prompting American philosopher Steven Wright to ponder aloud (before a large, paying audience), "What were the odds?"

--- BIRTHDAYS THIS WEEK ---

Malcolm McDowell (1943)

Christo (1935)

Paul Lynde (1926)

William Butler Yeats (1865)

Steffi Graf (1969)

Yasmine Bleeth (1968)

Boy George (1961)

Jerzy Kosinski (1933)

Burl Ives (1909)

Harriet Beecher Stowe (1811)

Courteney Cox (1964)

Helen Hunt (1963)

Jim Belushi (1954)

Waylon Jennings (1937)

Mario Cuomo (1932)

Tupac Shakur (1971)

Joyce Carol Oates (1938)

Erich Segal (1937)

Stan Laurel (1890)

Venus Williams (1980)

Joe Piscopo (1951)

Barry Manilow (1946)

Newt Gingrich (1943)

Ralph Bellamy (1904)

M.C. Escher (1898)

Igor Stravinski (1882)

Carol Kane (1952)

Isabella Rossellini (1952)

Roger Ebert (1942)

Paul McCartney (1942)

Jeanette MacDonald (1903)

Paula Abdul (1962)

Kathleen Turner (1954)

Pauline Kael (1919)

Lou Gehrig (1903)

Guy Lombardo (1902)

Moe Howard (1897)

Blaise Pascal (1623)

--- HEALTHY LIVING NOTEBOOK ---

Millions of Americans die every year at the beach. These deaths are tragic and unnecessary. Tragic death at the beach can be avoided easily. Do not dive in shallow water. Do not bury yourself up to the neck in sand at low tide. Do not play chicken on jet-skis. Do not attempt to swallow flaming swords. Do not provoke armed mercenaries landing on your beach from amphibious vehicles. Do not taunt poisonous sea serpents. Do not try to repair motorboat propellors while the engine is engaged. Avoid poisonous beach snakes. Wear flotation devices at all times. Use SPF 10,000. Do not attempt to fly your seaplane through the Dairy Queen drive-thru. Do not pee in the pool. Do not stick your fingers in electrical outlets. Do not have your eyeballs pierced.

--- ASTROLOGICAL FORECAST ---

(See the online version of the almanac for custom weekly forecasts every Wednesday night. This week’s guest astrologist is either Tupac Shakur or Barry Manilow, whichever wins the first ever Moron’s Almanac celebrity horoscope death match.)

Life is short, so don’t eat any more celery than you have to this week. Keep trying to be more honest in your relationships, but don’t tell her how fat she looks in that bathing suit. Conditions favor vegetarian tostadas, french onion soup, and Bullwinkle reruns, but don’t get the wrong idea: this is no time to rethink your position on the Hapsburg influence on central European agricultural practices. Ask that special someone how they feel about parsnips before you bring them into the boudoir. Avoid collagen, especially at salad bars.

Trivia solution: (a) Charles the Bald. Bonus: the Franks were the barbarian people who eventually developed fancy manners and accents, perfected wine-making and adultery, and erected a vast metallic phallus in the middle of their biggest city. (Hint: not the Canadians.)

--- THIS WEEK’S FARMING TIP ---

Stop looking for farming tips. There aren’t any. Farming tips appear in the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is not the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is the Moron’s Almanac. Please try not to get us mixed up again: it confuses us and embarrasses the farmers. Thanks.

© 1999, JustMorons.com

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