The Moron's Almanac

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Almost as reliable as the Farmer’s Almanac®, but without all that crap about farming.

*** Volume 2, Number 11 ***

*** Sunday, May 20 through Saturday, June 26 ***

If your browser supports hyperlinks, you can access the online edition of the almanac, with all its links and images and everything, by clicking here: http://www.justmorons.com/almanac.html.

--- MORONIC TRIVIA ---

(Answer below)

What did then-president John Tyler do in New York City on June 26, 1844?

a. Died

b. Declared war on Spain

c. The watusi

d. Got married

e. Opened the New York recruiting office of the White House intern program

---THIS WEEK’S VITAL MORONIC INFO---

June 20 is Father’s Day in the U.S.

June 20 is Martyr's Day, Eritrea

June 21 is the First Day of Summer

June 21 is Flag Day in Greenland (Denmark)

June 22 is Anti-Fascist Struggle Day in Croatia

June 23 is Victory Day in Estonia

June 23 is the Grand Duke's Birthday in Luxembourg

June 24 is Countryman's Day in Peru

June 24 is Zaire Day in Zaire

On June 25, the Colorado Shakespeare Festival begins in Boulder, CO; the Laura Ingalls Wilder Pageant begins in De Smet, SD; and the Monterey Bay Blues Festival begins in Monterey, CA

June 25 is Independence Day in Mozambique

June 25 is Independence Day in Slovenia

June 26 is Independence Day, Madagascar

June 26 is Independence Day, Somalia

June 26 is UN Treaty Day, United Nations

--- SUMMERTIME ---

June 21 is the first day of summer in the northern hemisphere. Summer is the period between the June solstice and the September equinox, and its broad appeal should therefore come as no surprise. Gamers take note: fully twenty-five percent of all winning lottery tickets are issued in summer.

Many famous people have been born in the summer, but some equally famous people have not been. Brian Wilson, for example, was born the day before summer, June 20, in 1942. Is it any wonder he became a Beach Boy and produced an album called "Endless Summer?" Even the most amateur of psychologists (Lawrence Nebbils of Kansas, for example) can surely see right through Mr. Wilson’s neuroses: one more day in the womb and he would have been a summer baby.

Director Billy Wilder, on the other hand, was born on the first full day of summer, June 22, in 1906. Mr. Wilder would go on to produce "Some Like It Hot," starring Marilyn Monroe, Tony Curtis, and Jack Lemmon, all of whom frolicked giddily on the beach in bikinis. Mr. Wilder, you see, was comfortable in his season. Not like some people. Some people had to force it. Some people had to prove something.

On June 24, 1664, New Jersey was founded. (It derives its name from the isle of Jersey, just off England’s shore, and not too far from Britain, either.) New Jersey has beaches.

On June 26, 1819, Abner Doubleday was born. Mr. Doubleday was required for the invention of baseball, and without baseball Americans would have nothing to watch between waits in line for more beer.

--- THIS WEEK IN HISTORY ---

On June 22, 1933, German chancellor Adolf Hitler banned every party except his own Evil Nazi Bastards from winning elections. The Evil Nazi Bastards swept the next elections, demonstrating the public’s strong support for this measure.

Less politically adept politicians include England’s Richard III, who made himself King of England on June 26, 1483 by killing everyone else who wanted to be king. It was a clever strategy, especially for a hunchback, but it only provided his successor an example to use against him two months later. Equally unfortunate was Francisco Pizarro, who conquered the entire Peruvian Empire with a handful of soldiers, only to have those soldiers turn on and kill him on June 26, 1541. Not very clever.

(There are many English and British citizens who insist to this day that Richard III wasn’t a hunchback, and still more who insist he didn’t actually kill anyone. They’ve obviously never seen the play by Sir Francis Bacon.)

On June 26, 1243, the Mongrels opened a can of whupass on the Turkish Seljuk army in Asia Minor, opening the doors to the Mongrel Invasion of Europe. French Poodles and German Shepherds alike were massacred in unprecedented numbers as the Mongrels penetrated to the very heart of the continent. The Mongrels would eventually leave Europe, but not before they’d pissed on every tree.

On June 26, 1963, U.S. President John F. Kennedy stood before the Berlin Wall and announced to a quarter of a million Germans that he was a jelly donut, in his famous "I am a jelly donut" ("ich bin ein jelly donut") speech. Although embarrassing, this was considered an improvement over Eisenhower’s infamous "I am a well-hung yak" speech.

--- BIRTHDAYS THIS WEEK ---

June 20

John Goodman (1952); Brian Wilson (1942); Danny Aiello (1933); Martin Landau (1931); Audie Murphy (1924); Errol Flynn (1909)

June 21

Prince William (1982); Nicole Kidman (1967); Maureen Stapleton (1925); Jane Russell (1921); Jean-Paul Sartre (1905)

June 22

Freddie Prinze (1954); Meryl Streep (1949); Joseph Papp (1921); Billy Wilder (1906); Giacomo Puccini (1858)

June 23

Frances McDormand (1957); Wilma Rudolph (1940); Bob Fosse (1927); Alan Turing (1912); Josephine Martinique Bonaparte (1763)

June 24

Jeff Beck (1944); Mick Fleetwood (1942); Jack Dempsey (1895); Ambrose Bierce (1842)

June 25

Jimmie Walker (1949); June Lockhart (1925); Sidney Lumet (1924); George Orwell (1903)

June 26

Eleanor Parker (1922); Babe Didrikson Zaharias (1914); Peter Lorre (1904); Pearl S. Buck (1892); Abner Doubleday (1819)

--- HEALTHY LIVING NOTEBOOK ---

The New York Times reported today (6/22) that "two toxicologists in Phoenix found that 15% of the rattlesnake bites they treated in a 10-month period" came from dead snakes. Some of those snakes were not only dead, but decapitated. Since its inception, the Healthy Living Notebook has been trying to raise the national awareness of poisonous snakes, and maybe now all of you who thought something like that could never happen to you will begin to pay some fucking attention.

We remind our readers once again, and we will continue to remind them, that the best way to ensure a long and healthy life is to avoid poisonous snakes, including dead poisonous snakes, and even the decapitated heads of dead poisonous snakes.

So if you should happen to come across a dead snake’s decapitated head, resist the temptation to pick it up and move its little poisonous snake jaws and pretend like it’s talking. The life you save may be your own, and besides: it’s not as funny as you’d think it would be.

--- ASTROLOGICAL FORECAST ---

(See the online version of the almanac for custom weekly forecasts every Wednesday night. This week’s guest astrologists are George Orwell and Ambrose Bierce.)

Avocadoes figure prominently this week, so be sure to wear guacamole-resistant beachwear. Steer clear of flesh-eating zombies. Competing priorities will only seem confusing until you’ve had a few drinks. Conditions favor milk of magnesium and Neil Sedaka, so this may be a good week to realign your tires. Be wary of handsome strangers bearing dried fruit, and be sure to look both ways before crossing your friends.

Trivia solution: (d) on June 26, 1844, president John Tyler married Julia Gardiner in New York City. Ms Gardiner had been a White House intern for several years, but persisted in wearing white.

--- THIS WEEK’S FARMING TIP ---

If you’re looking for farming tips, you couldn’t possibly be any further from your destination. Farming tips appear in the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is not the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is the Moron’s Almanac. Please try not to get us mixed up again: it confuses us and embarrasses the farmers. Thanks.

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