The Moron's Almanac

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Almost as reliable as the Farmer’s Almanac®, but without all that crap about farming.

*** Volume 2, Number 12 ***

*** Sunday, June 27 through Saturday, July 3 ***

If your browser supports hyperlinks, you can access the online edition of the almanac, with all its links and sounds and images and everything, by clicking here: http://www.justmorons.com/almanac.html.

--- MORONIC TRIVIA ---

(Answer below)

On July 2, 1853, the Russian Army invaded Turkey. This marked the start of what war?

a. The War of 1853

b. The War of 1812

c. The 1812 Overture

d. The Turkey and Russia War

e. Deathmatch ‘53

f. The Crimean War

---THIS WEEK’S VITAL MORONIC INFO---

June 27

Independence Day, Djibouti

Aspen (CO) Music Festival Begins

June 28

Full moon

June 29

Saints Peter and Paul Day, Malta

Prince Bernhard Day, Netherlands

Independence Day, Seychelles

June 30

Armed Forces Day, Guatemala

Flag Day, Portugal

Salvation Revolution Day, Sudan

Flag Day, Tanzania

July 1

Canada Day, Canada

Independence Day, Burundi

Republic Day, Ghana

Independence Day, Rwanda

Independence Day, Somalia

Freedom Day, Suriname

Accordion Awareness Month begins

July 2

Flag Day, Curacao

July 3

Emancipation Day, Virgin Islands

Dog Days of Summer begin

--- SOME DAMNED FOOLISH THINGS ---

Exactly 650 years ago this week, on June 28, 1349, the Serbs were overwhelmingly defeated by the Ottomans in the Battle of Kosovo. Not since the Loveseat Invasion of Gaul had a European people been so devastated by eastern furniture. It was a defeat the Serbs would not soon forget.

German Chancellor Otto von Bismarck was asked at some point before his death in 1898 what he thought would provoke the next European war. "Some damned foolish thing in the Balkans," he said. (He probably said it in German.) It was his penchant for remarks like this that earned him the nickname, "The Ironic Chancellor." (Some have pointed to his finely pressed uniforms and wondered if perhaps he was not "The Ironing Chancellor.")

This week marks anniversaries of the events that started and ended the first world war: the assassination of Archduck Franz Ferdinand, heir to the Austro-Hungarian Empire, on June 28, 1914, and the signing of the Treaty of Versailles exactly five years later (i.e., June 28, 1919).

In June of 1914 the Austrian Archduck was touring Serbia with his wife, the mallard Sophie. The purpose of his tour was to get Serbia to calm down, it having become extremely irritable for reasons known only to itself, possibly having to do with Austria’s occupation of the region and persecution of Serbs (but more likely gas).

Most Serbs were ready to calm down, but a handful weren’t. These were the members of the Black Hand, a group of extremely angry Serbian teenagers who didn’t wear black trenchcoats or play video games and were therefore hard to tell from the regular angry Serb teenagers.

The Archduck, being no ordinary Duck, thought it would be clever for him and the mallard to tour the city of Sarajevo on the anniversary of the battle of Kosovo. They got lost, and they stopped to ask for directions from a young man wearing the official, licensed "Black Hand" jersey. The conversation probably went something like this (only in German):

"Say, lad, I’m the Austrian Archduck Franz Ferdinand, heir to the Habsburg throne, and this is my wife, the mallard Sophie. We seem to be lost. If I don’t find my way back I might never have the chance to take the Austrian throne and continue--if not heighten--the persecution of the Serbian peoples. Could you give us a hand?"

[Gunfire.]

The boy was Gavrilo Princip, and he had just started World War I. Pretty good day’s work for a teenager--especially a teenager without a black trenchcoat.

The Moron's Almanac has a lot of Canadian readers and subscribers, and would not want them to think we forgot about their Fourth of July, which they celebrate on July 1. Canada is a healthy 132 years old this year, but they weren’t really a country until they had an official anthem. That came 113 years later: ‘O Canada’ was made their official anthem on July 1, 1980.

But that’s not all. On July 3, 1608, French explorer Samuel de Champlain invented Quebec; on June 30, 1859, Charles Blondin crossed Niagara Falls on a tightrope from the U.S. into Canada; and finally, on July 1, 1952, Dan Aykroyd was born.

Canada's national bird is the beaver.

--- THIS WEEK IN HISTORY ---

On July 2, 1961, Ernest Hemingway blew his brains out, but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t secure in his masculinity.

On July 2, 1964, President Johnson signed the Civil Rights Act, prohibiting racial discrimination. America remains a paragon of racial harmony to this very day.

On July 3, 1969, Brian Jones of the Rolling Stones drowned in his pool. See this week’s "Healthy Living Notebook" for tips on how not to drown in your pool.

Yes, that was short.

--- BIRTHDAYS THIS WEEK ---

June 27: Julia Duffy (1951); H. Ross Perot (1930); Bob "Captain Kangaroo" Keeshan (1927); Helen Keller (1880)

June 28: John Elway (1960); Kathy Bates (1948); Gilda Radner (1946); Mel Brooks (1926); John Dillinger (1902)

June 29: Fred Grandy (1948); Richard Lewis (1947); Robert Evans (1930); Slim Pickens (1919); Antoine de Saint-Exupery (1900)

June 30: Mike Tyson (1966); Susan Hayward (1919); Lena Horne (1917); Buddy Rich (1917)

July 1: Pamela Anderson (1967); Princess Diana (1961); Dan Aykroyd (1952); Deborah Harry (1945); Karen Black (1942); Twyla Tharp (1941); Jean Marsh (1934); Leslie Caron (1931); Olivia DeHavilland (1916)

July 2: Dan Rowan (1922); Thurgood Marshall (1908); Hermann Hesse (1877)

July 3: Tom Cruise (1962); Tom Stoppard (1937); Ken Russell (1927); Franz Kafka (1883)

--- HEALTHY LIVING NOTEBOOK ---

Rolling Stone Brian Jones was a promising young musician, but his brilliant future was cut short on July 3, 1969, when he drowned in his very own swimming pool. He was not alone. (Actually, he was alone.) Millions of Americans die every day in their swimming pools, and many of them are wasted at the time. Studies indicate that six out of ten backyard pool drowning victims might still be alive if they hadn’t drowned. Here are some helpful hints on how not to die in your own swimming pool:

1. Don’t have your own swimming pool.

2. If you must have your own swimming pool, don’t swim in it.

3. If you do have a pool, and if you want to swim in it, don’t do too many drugs before you get in.

4. Don’t bring electrical equipment into the pool with you.

5. Don’t swim in the presence of poisonous snakes, especially when wasted. (Wasted poisonous snakes are almost twice as lethal as ordinary poisonous snakes.)

6. Fill the pool with water before you dive in.

--- THE MORONIC FINANCIER ---

(The following is a public service announcement from the Moronic Financier, and will count as part of his community service requirement.)

Consumer and price data can be obtained from a variety of sources on the internet, on radio and television, in most print periodicals, and from smarmy MBAs talking too loudly into their cell phones on public transportation. While much of this information is useful, there’s simply no need for smarmy MBAs to talk too loudly into their cell phones on public transportation. If they really knew anything about high finance and political economy, would they be riding public transportation? I don’t think so. I think they’d be cruising along in a stretch limo, or soaring along in a private helicopter. Or, if they were really good, they’d still be in bed, and their paid minions would be sweating it out at the office, or maybe they’d still be on their way to the office, maybe talking too loudly into their cell phones on public transportation, desperately seeking a feeling of self-worth that their ruthless but brilliant employer has hitherto denied them... Pity the smarmy MBA. (But get your consumer and price data from a reliable source. You’ll be glad you did: I guarantee it.)

Trivia solution: (f) This began the Crimean War.

--- ASTROLOGICAL FORECAST ---

(See the online version of the almanac for custom weekly forecasts every Wednesday night. This week’s guest astrologist is Franz Kafka.)

Conditions favor potpourri-scented candles, graven images, and earlocks. Avoid peppermint, rottweilers, and overnight delivery services. Strange news may come from a trusted source, but don’t forget to pick up extra toilet paper. Passion is in the air, but you’ve got something between your teeth.

--- THIS WEEK’S FARMING TIP ---

Every day, millions of farmers scour the internet for farming tips. They never find them here. Farming tips appear in the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is not the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is the Moron’s Almanac. Please try not to get us mixed up again: it confuses us and embarrasses the farmers. Thanks.

Disclaimer: If you become dizzy or giddy while reading the Moron’s Almanac, or experience feelings of euphoria, you’re probably whacked out of your mind on drugs.