THE MORON’S ALMANAC © 1999, JustMorons.com

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Almost as reliable as the Farmer’s Almanac®, but without all that crap about farming.

*** Volume 3, Number 1 ***

*** Sunday, July 11 through Saturday, July 17 ***

--- MORONIC TRIVIA ---

(Answer below)

Joe DeRita was born on July 12, 1909. Under what name is he better known to the world?

a. Rita Joseph

b. Larry

c. Moe

d. Curly

e. Zeppo

---THIS WEEK’S VITAL MORONIC INFO---

Independence Day, Bahamas

Independence Day, Kiribati

Independence Day, Sao Tome & Principe

Baseball’s All-Star Game, U.S.A.

Bastille Day, France

Revolution Day, Iraq

Day of Association, Senegal

La Paz Day, Bolivia

Sultan's Birthday, Brunei

Revolution Day, Iraq

(Different revolution)

Constitution Day, South Korea

Flag Day, Norway

--- STORMING A BASTILLE ---

Paris was not a happy city in 1789. Paris has never been an especially happy city, especially for those who don’t speak French, but in that fateful year it was especially grouchy. And it wasn’t just the city, but the whole country. All of France was being cranky and irritable, and all the other countries were like, "What?"

But France kind of scared them, so they kept their distance.

Finally the queen said they should eat cake, and this was simply going too far. The people rose up in protest and, it being time for the French Revolution, they stormed the Bastille.

Historians still aren’t sure exactly what a Bastille was, but there’s no question that a raucous French mob stormed one on July 14, 1789. And not just any Bastille, but the Bastille. (It has to be true, because it’s been printed in textbooks.)

With the storming of the Bastille, it became clear that the peasants were revolting. (Not that anyone ever thought they were all that attractive.) This marked the beginning of the French Revolution, which led to the Rain of Terror, which was followed by Napoleon, who caused Waterloo, and Able Was I Ere I Saw Elba, all of which have been covered in previous almanacs and can therefore be ignored here.

--- THIS WEEK IN HISTORY ---

On July 13, 1994, Germany's Constitutional Court ended the ban on German troops fighting outside the country. On July 13, 1994, France’s Constitutional Court ended their own ban on running like hell.

Julius Caesar was born on July 12, 100 BC. He is famous for fighting the Garlic Wars and for saying "Ate two, Brutie," as he died. He wore a toga, and his death so shocked the people of Rome that they buried him instead of praising him, although this may have been because he was a Proud Man (which was Bad).

Henry David Thoreau was born on July 12, 1817. Best known for his book, Walden, Thoreau took the controversial stance that frogs were good and trees were pretty.

On July 14, 1867, Alfred Nobel first demonstrated his invention, dynamite. Mr. Nobel spent the rest of his life blowing things up in the interests of world peace. Sadly, world peace was not achieved in his lifetime, so he had to endow a foundation with millions of dollars to give prizes to the men and women of future generations who helped bring the world closer to peace by blowing things up.

French guy Hippolyte Mège-Mouriez patented margarine on July 15, 1869. He called it margarine because the French word for pearl was "margarite."

On July 16, 1918, Russian Czar Nicholas II was murdered with his family and servants by the Bolsheviks at Yekaterinburg. This included his daughter Anastasia, who may not actually have been killed with the rest of them, but was almost certainly killed along with the rest of them, despite persistent rumors to the contrary--even in the face of mounting evidence suggesting otherwise (except when interpreted differently). Even if she wasn’t dead then, she’s certainly dead now. This has been proven scientifically, by scientists who ought to know.

July 16, In 1935, the world’s first parking meters were installed in Oklahoma City. This is not significant.

On July 16, 1951, The Catcher in the Rye was published. The book contained secret code words by means of which its author, J.D. Salinger, was able to communicate infernal messages to his evil minions. Exactly fourteen years later, the tunnel connecting France and Italy through Mont Blanc was opened to the public. The conclusion is inescapable.

Mary Baker Eddy was born on July 16, 1821. Ms. Eddy invented Christian Science, and was elected to the National Women's Hall of Fame in 1995 for having been the only American woman to found a worldwide religion, which has been interpreted as a slap in the face to Marilyn Monroe.

--- BIRTHDAYS THIS WEEK ---

Suzanne Vega (1959)

Leon Spinks (1953)

Giorgio Armani (1934)

Yul Brynner (1920)

E.B. White (1899)

John Quincy Adams (1767)

Kristi Yamaguchi (1971)

Cheryl Ladd (1951)

Richard Simmons (1948)

Bill Cosby (1937)

Andrew Wyeth (1917)

Milton Berle (1908)

R. Buckminster Fuller (1895)

Oscar Hammerstein II (1895)

George Washington Carver (1861)

Henry David Thoreau (1817)

Julius Caesar (BC 100)

Cheech Marin (1946)

Harrison Ford (1942)

Patrick Stewart (1940)

Jack Kemp (1935)

Bob Crane (1928)

Harry Dean Stanton (1926)

Ingmar Bergman (1918)

Gerald R. Ford (1913)

Woody Guthrie (1912)

William Hanna (1910)

Isaac Bashevis Singer (1904)

Jesse Ventura (1951)

Linda Ronstadt (1946)

Rembrandt Van Rijn (1606)

Barry Sanders (1968)

Michael Flatley (1958)

Bess Myerson (1924)

Ginger Rogers (1911)

Barbara Stanwyck (1907)

Mary Baker Eddy (1821)

Tom Hanks (1955)

David Hasselhoff (1952)

O.J. Simpson (1946)

Donald Sutherland (1934)

Phyllis Diller (1917)

Art Linkletter (1912)

James Cagney (1899)

Erle Stanley Gardner (1899)

--- HEALTHY LIVING NOTEBOOK ---

Every year, millions of American youngsters are discouraged from pursuing careers in professional sports with the admonition that they’re more likely to be struck by a meteorite than they are to make a living in the major leagues. The Healthy Living Notebook acknowledges that this is true, but points out that there are thousands upon thousands of professional athletes in this country alone, and that the risk of being struck by a meteorite is therefore a significant health threat—and not just to America’s burgeoning young athletes.

Many meteorites fall without warning, in areas that are not conspicuously marked as dangerous meteorite falling zones. The Healthy Living Notebook regrets this negligence on the part of the government, and urges all citizens to lobby their local representatives for falling meteorite zone warning signs.

In the absence of such warning signs, however, what can the average health-conscious citizen do to avoid being struck by a meteorite? The Healthy Living Notebook recommends hard-hats, which could conceivably save your life from little itty-bitty meteorites. Beyond this, the safest course of action is to live in an underground bunker and to leave it only under cover of darkness, when falling meteorites are more visible and can therefore be easily avoided.

(Be sure to build your underground bunker in such a way that poisonous snakes cannot sneak in. Forty-five percent of all underground bunker deaths that don’t involve hairspray are the result of poisonous snake bites.)

Trivia solution: (d) Curly Joe DeRita joined The Three Stooges in 1959.

--- THE MORONIC FINANCIER ---

The average American spends over forty-five thousand dollars on food every year. This is a foolish waste of money. Human beings can live long and healthy lives on a sustenance diet of water, seaweed, coconuts, oranges, and vitamin supplements, for a cost of less than five hundred dollars a year. (When dining out, order ice water and eat only the complimentary bread or crackers, unless someone else is paying.) By wisely investing the money you thereby save each year—in the Moron’s Variable Stupidity Fund, for example (see details next week)— you can be a millionaire in just three years. Even investing foolishly, it’s possible you’ll be a millionaire eventually. Either way, you’ll have more to show for your money than a full toilet.

I guarantee it.

--- ASTROLOGICAL FORECAST ---

(See the online version of the almanac for custom weekly forecasts every Wednesday night. This week’s guest astrologist is Henry David Thoreau.)

This week’s outlook is good for green peppercorn sauces. Be diplomatic in relations with anyone carrying a bazooka. Surprises are revealed, and you’re out of garbage bags again. Steer clear of ammonia clouds and left-handed circus clowns. Plan more spontaneity.

--- THIS WEEK’S FARMING TIP ---

Ask any waiter: farming tips suck. That’s why you’ll never find any here. Farming tips appear in the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is not the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is the Moron’s Almanac. Please try not to get us mixed up again: it confuses us and embarrasses the farmers. Thanks.

© 1999, JustMorons.com

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