THE MORON’S ALMANAC © 1999, JustMorons.com

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Almost as reliable as the Farmer’s Almanac®, but without all that crap about farming.

*** Volume 3, Number 2 ***

*** Sunday, July 18 through Saturday, July 24 ***

--- MORONIC TRIVIA ---

(Answer below)

On July 22, 1981, Mehmet Ali Agca was given life imprisonment for having attempted to kill who?

a. Ronald Reagan

b. Margaret Thatcher

c. Juice Newton

d. Amy Carter

e. Paul McCartney

f. The Pope

Bonus: why did he make this attempt?

---THIS WEEK’S VITAL MORONIC INFO---

Constitution Day, Uruguay

Independence Day, Laos

Martyr’s Day, Myanmar (Burma)

Liberation Day, Nicaragua

President's Day, Botswana

Independence Day, Columbia

Crown Prince Haakon's Birthday, Norway

National Liberation Day, Poland

King Sobhuza II's Birthday, Swaziland

July Revolution Day, Egypt

Simon Bolivar's Birthday, Ecuador

--- LITERARY LEOS ---

Ernest Hemingway was born on July 21, 1899. He was young at the time of his birth. It was fine to be young.

He drove an ambulance in the first world war. It wasn’t called the first world war then. It was called the war. It was one of those times when people shot at each other. When people were shooting at each other they didn’t have time to worry about what to call it. It was only afterwards that they needed to call it something. "What should we call that time when we were shooting at each other?" "Let’s call it the Great War." "Good."

It was a good ambulance. It was long and white. It had flashing lights and a siren that went "wee-ooo, wee-ooo." He liked that.

After the war he lived in Paris. A lot of Americans lived in Paris after the war, but only a few of them had ever driven an ambulance. In the 30s he went to Spain. He was a journalist. They were having a war.

It was called the Spanish Civil War. It was started by an Evil Bastard named General Franco on July 18, 1936. It was a test to see whether or not they should have World War II. They had fascists and socialists and anarchists. They even had clowns. People shot at each other.

(General Franco finally gave up power on July 19, 1974, because he was sick. Maybe he had always been sick. It is sometimes hard to understand sickness. Maybe we are not meant to understand it.)

Later Hemingway lived in Cuba. Finally he blew his brains out at his home in Idaho. He had written a lot of books.

Hunter S. Thompson was born on July 18, 1939. He’s still alive, armed, and dangerous. He, too, has written a lot of books, although he has never lived in France or driven an ambulance. He is best known for inspiring the character "Uncle Duke" in the comic strip Doonesbury, by former Canadian Prime Minister Gary Trudeau. ("Uncle Duke" first appeared in Doonesbury on July 8, 1974.)

--- THIS WEEK IN HISTORY ---

There is one other literary milestone this week. July 18 marks the seventy-fourth anniversary of the 1925 publication of Adolf Hitler’s best-selling political memoir, "Mein Kampf" (or, in English, "I’ll Kill Every Last One of You Bastards").

On July 18, 64, most of imperial Rome was burned to the ground because Emperor Nero had been playing the fiddle. This resulted in the persecution of Christians, many of whom were believed to have encouraged him.

On July 19, 1870, France attempted to declare war on Russia. Due to a typographical error, however, she inadvertently declared war on Prussia, resulting in the Franco-Prussian war. This eventually led to the creation of Germany. Moral: if you’re going to declare war, proofread carefully.

On July 20, 1402, at the battle of Angora, Tamerlane led his huge army of Taters against the Ottomans, who ought properly to have been called the Ottomen. Tamerlane captured the Sultan (Head Ottoman), and this is why we call some sweaters Angoras to this day. (Angora, however, is now called Ankara.)

On July 20, 1969, Neil Armstrong became the first man to walk on the moon. We’ve all heard more than enough about that by now.

On July 24, 1567, Mary Queen of Scots became Mary Former Queen of Scots. James VI became the King of Scotland, although he was only one year old and this often proved awkward in delicate diplomacy.

On July 24, 1701, Antoine de la Mothe Cadillac founded a trading post at Fort Pontchartrain, which eventually became Detroit. Cadillac thereby came to be known as "the Rolls Royce of settlers."

--- BIRTHDAYS THIS WEEK ---

Hunter S. Thompson (1939)

John Glenn (1921)

Nelson Mandela (1918)

Harriet Nelson (1914)

Richard "Red" Skelton (1913)

Hume Cronyn (1911)

Anthony Edwards (1962)

Vikki Carr (1941)

George McGovern (1922)

Lizzie Borden (1860)

Edgar Degas (1834)

Carlos Santana (1947)

Diana Rigg (1938)

Natalie Wood (1938)

Chuck Daly (1933)

Sir Edmund Hillary (1919)

Jon Lovitz (1957)

Robin Williams (1952)

Cat Stevens (1948)

Kenneth Starr (1946)

Don Knotts (1924)

Isaac Stern (1920)

Marshall McLuhan (1911)

Ernest Hemingway (1899)

Albert Brooks (1947)

Danny Glover (1947)

Alex Trebek (1940)

Louise Fletcher (1934)

Orson Bean (1928)

Bob Dole (1923)

Rose Kennedy (1890)

Monica Lewinsky (1973)

Don Imus (1940)

Don Drysdale (1936)

Arthur Treacher (1894)

Karl Menninger (1893)

Raymond Chandler (1880)

Jennifer Lopez (1970)

Lynda Carter (1951)

Ruth Buzzi (1936)

Amelia Earhart (1898)

Raymond Chandler (1880)

Simon Bolivar (1783)

--- THE MORONIC OBSERVER ---

Beginning this week, the Moronic Observer will feature news, commentary, and insidious unsubstantiated rumors on the United States presidential campaign for the year 2000. The Moronic Observer is pleased to report that the Moron Party is now being formed, its officers being appointed, its platforms being drafted, its symbols being tested, and its evasive language being disclaimed.

The Moronic Observer will be entirely partisan in its support for the Moron Party, but this warning will not be repeated. The Moronic Observer will do its utmost to appear balanced in its coverage of the Machiavellian manipulations and moral atrocicities of all other campaigns.

This week’s abbreviated Moronic Observer addresses the tragic and untimely death of John F. Kennedy, Jr., his wife, and her sister:

It was tragic and untimely.

--- HEALTHY LIVING NOTEBOOK ---

Oddly enough, I’m rarely asked what can be done to prevent spontaneous combustion. This deadly condition is still not fully understood by medical science, but apparently involves an otherwise healthy individual being abruptly consumed by fire from the inside out. This can cause severe pain and, in most cases, instantaneous death.

Like most horrible deaths, however, spontaneous combustion can be avoided. Here are some helpful hints on living a long, healthy life without ever bursting into a pillar of gaseous flame:

- Avoid beverages containing gasoline, kerosine, or turpentine.

- Blow matches out before swallowing.

- If you feel a burning sensation in your stomach, and smoke is pouring out of your mouth and nostrils, try a fire extinguisher enema. (If smoke is also emanating from your anus, apply the enema to your ear.)

- If your parents or grandparents suffered from spontaneous combustion, you are at high risk. Test yourself for flames at least once a week in the shower, and get regular checkups.

--- THE MORONIC FINANCIER ---

Last week I promised to discuss The Moron’s Variable Stupidity Fund in greater detail. The Moron’s Variable Stupidity fund is an unrated mutual fund that has consistently provided its holders with a great tax write-off. I choose each stock for this fund myself, and unlike these irresponsible whiz-kid financiers with their fancy computer programs, I do it the old-fashioned way: with the financial pages of The Wall Street Journal, a pint of bourbon, and a couple of darts. (It’s variable because I’m not very good at darts.)

Trivia solution: (f) He tried to kill Pope John Paul II. Bonus: I have no idea why he wanted to kill the Pope. Give yourself ten bonus points for whatever answer you gave, unless your answer involved cocaine, Jodie Foster, or the Chicago Bears. (Give yourself twenty bonus points if it involved all three.)

--- ASTROLOGICAL FORECAST ---

(See the online version of the almanac for custom weekly forecasts every Wednesday night. This week’s guest astrologist is, of course, Ernest Hemingway.)

Conditions favor hazelnuts, terra cotta, and leopard-skin underwear. Avoid psychopharmacology. People may be talking behind your back, so get more fiber into your diet and wear a jaunty hat. And for God’s sake, stop saying shedule. It’s pronounced skedule—where the hell did you go to shool?

--- THIS WEEK’S FARMING TIP ---

One of these days there may actually be a farming tip here, but until the sun rises on that distant day, tinged with joy and gladness, you can find farming tips in the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is not the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is the Moron’s Almanac. Please try not to get us mixed up again: it confuses us and embarrasses the farmers. Thanks.

© 1999, JustMorons.com

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