THE MORON’S ALMANAC © 1999, JustMorons.com

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Almost as reliable as the Farmer’s Almanac®, but without all that crap about farming.

*** Volume 3, Number 3 ***

*** Wednesday, August 11 through Tuesday, August 17 ***

--- EDITORIAL NOTE ---

This week’s almanac is a day late. Ordinarily it is sent out Tuesday nights. This week it is going out on Wednesday night. (Wednesday – Tuesday = One Day.) This is partly the result of a change in editorial policy, spurred by popular request. Henceforward ("from now on"), the Moron’s Almanac will cover each week from Wednesday through Tuesday, instead of Sunday through Saturday. Thus the information in each almanac will be fresh and piping hot when you receive it, rather than half stale. Thank you for your patience.

--- MORONIC TRIVIA ---

(Answer below)

What did 42-year-old New York lawyer Leonel Fernandez do on August 16, 1996?

a. Bungee jumped off the Statue of Liberty

b. Received the first Nobel Prize for Litigation

c. Patented a time travel machine

d. Became president of the Dominican Republic

e. Filed suit against McDonald’s because his Happy Meal didn’t make him happy

---THIS WEEK’S VITAL MORONIC INFO---

Independence Day, Chad

King's Accession, Jordan

Heroes Day, Zimbabwe

Djoulde Soumae, Cameroon

Independence Day, Central African Republic

Independence Day, Congo (Brazzaville)

Allegiance Day, Morocco

Independence Day, Pakistan

Great Lady Day, Croatia

Independence Day, India

Liberation Day, S. Korea

Princess Anne's Birthday, UK

Assumption Day, Acadia

National Restoration Day, Dominican Republic

Franz Josef II's Birthday, Liechtenstein

Jose de San Martin's Death Day, Argentina

Independence Day, Gabon

Independence Day, Indonesia

--- WOODSTOCK & THE WALL ---

The Woodstock Music and Arts Fair began thirty years ago, on August 15, 1969, on Max Yasger's farm in upstate New York. The greatest gathering of marketing and advertising professionals in American history, the festival featured the musical artists behind some of today's hottest commercial jingles.

Ironically, if less historically, only eight years earlier the city of Berlin had split itself right down the middle.  It was August 13, 1961, during the Cold War. The Russians were still Evil Soviet Bastards.  They were so evil they convinced East Germany to shut West Germany out. East Germany locked the Brandenburg gate and threw away the key. Then, just to be absolutely safe, they built the Great Wall of Berlin, and assigned evil socialist soldiers to shoot any West Germans who tried to sneak into East Germany. Oddly enough, no West Germans tried to sneak in. The evil socialist soldiers, being evil socialist soldiers, therefore shot at East Germans.

About a year later, for example, on August 17, 1962, eighteen year old Peter Fechter was shot by evil East German bastards as he tried to cross the Berlin Wall. He bled to death in public view. The guards who shot him were tracked down and convicted of manslaughter thirty-four years later.  Moral: you might think you can get away with shooting people just because you’re an evil socialist bastard living in an evil socialist regime propped up by an evil socialist empire, but you can’t. Not really. It may seem like you can, but just wait.

Eventually John F. Kennedy announced that he was a jelly-filled donut, Ronald Reagan asked Mr. Gorbachev to tear down this wall, Boris Yeltsin rode on a tank, and there didn't seem to be any real point in having a Wall any more. So they tore it down.

--- THIS WEEK IN HISTORY ---

On August 12, 1813, Austria declared war against Napoleon. An outraged England rushed to France's defense by declaring war against Austria exactly 101 years later.

Gold was discovered in northern Canada on August 16, 1896.  This caused the Klondike gold rush, which resulted in the popular stereotype of the Canadian gold prospector.

Napoleon Bonaparte was born on August 15, 1769.   Fidel Castro was born August 13, 1926. (Mr. Castro is the one with the beard.)

On August 12, 1898, the Spanish-American war ended. Spain released Cuba and gave Puerto Rico to the United States. Americans rushed to Puerto Rico in gleeful droves, only to discover that everyone spoke Spanish and there were no volcanoes. Their disappointment was profound. They took Hawaii later that same day.

On August 13, 1521, after a seventy-five day siege, Hernando Cortes captured and destroyed the capital of the Aztec Empire, Tenochtitlan (Aztec for "Mexico City"). It was important to defeat the Aztecs, because they were an Evil Empire that practiced Human Sacrifice and Difficult Spelling.

Alfred Hitchcock was born a hundred years ago, on August 13, 1899. Mr. Hitchcock thrilled and horrified the world with such films as The Birds, Psycho, and Rear Window, and horrified peers by talking with his mouth full.

Davy Crockett was born on August 17, 1786.  Mr. Crockett had a raccoon tail that hung off his hat, and he wore one of those jackets with tassels on the sleeves, but he couldn’t understand why no one took him seriously. He became this big hero and everything just to show them.

On August 14, 1900, the western powers quelled the Boxer Rebellion in China. In the clearing stood the Boxers, fighters by their trade, and they carried the reminders of every glove that laid them down or cut them til they cried out, in their anger and their pain, they were leaving, they were leaving, but the fighter still remained. Unless that was Simon and Garfunkel, in which case the Boxers were upstart Chinese bastards who didn’t think the western powers should be allowed to control China’s ports, despite the fact that everyone knew China was a poor backward country without any modern conveniences.

Frank and Kathie Lee Gifford were both born on August 16. Be sure to buy a separate card for each of them, because studies have proven conclusively that people who never get their own birthday cards develop low self-esteem and act out their insecurities in disruptive ways.

On August 14, 1991, scientists reported that a worldwide band of volcanic dust from the eruption of Mt Pinatubo, in the Philippines, could be cooling the world’s climate. Hence this summer’s cooler temperatures.

--- BIRTHDAYS THIS WEEK ---

Terry "Hollywood" Hogan (1953)

Reverend Jerry Falwell (1933)

Mike Douglas (1925)

Alex Haley (1921)

Pete Sampras (1971)

George Hamilton (1939)

William Goldman (1931)

Jane Wyatt (1912)

Cecil B. DeMille (1881)

Danny Bonaduce (1959)

Dan Fogelberg (1951)

Don Ho (1930)

Fidel Castro (1926)

Alfred Hitchcock (1899)

Bert Lahr (1895)

Annie Oakley (1860)

Earvin "Magic" Johnson (1959)

Gary Larson (1950)

Danielle Steel (1947)

Steve Martin (1945)

David Crosby (1941)

Russell Baker (1925)

Jim Webb (1946)

Rose Marie (1925)

Oscar Peterson (1925)

Phyllis Schlafly (1924)

Julia Child (1912)

Edna Ferber (1887)

Sir Walter Scott (1771)

Napoleon Bonaparte (1769)

Angela Bassett (1958)

Madonna (1958)

James Cameron (1954)

Kathie Lee Gifford (1953)

Eydie Gorme (1932)

Frank Gifford (1930)

Charles Bukowski (1920)

Menachem Begin (1913)

Sean Penn (1960)

Robert De Niro (1943)

V.S. Naipul (1932)

Jiang Zemin (1926)

Maureen O'Hara (1920)

Mae West (1892)

Davy Crockett (1786)

--- HEALTHY LIVING NOTEBOOK ---

It's becoming clear that one of the greatest health threats facing many Americans is other Americans.

This problem does not seem to be as pronounced in other regions of the world, where Americans only seem to pose a significant health threat to foreigners.

The best way to avoid other Americans is to move abroad, although this will likely put you at risk from another significant health threat, i.e. foreigners.

The best way to avoid foreigners, of course, is to remain in America. Many Americans were once foreigners themselves, however, and many more are the descendants of foreigners, so it's best to remain indoors. In fact, you may be a foreigner yourself. Turn in your firearems and consult a physician.

Note that millions of foreigners die every year from poisonous snake bites.

Trivia solution: (d) Fernandez became the 100th president of the Dominican Republic.

--- ASTROLOGICAL FORECAST ---

(See the online version of the almanac for custom weekly forecasts every Wednesday night. This week’s guest astrologist is Charles Bukowski.)

An excellent week for aloe-enriched moisturizers, Wagnerian opera, and ferret dancing. An embarassment of opportunities to change your underwear. Conditions favor haiku and praline ice cream, but don’t sell that vinyl copy of Get The Knack just yet. Steer clear of flesh-eating zombies, and drink plenty of milk. Avoid French literature, Italian ice, Dutch treats, Spanish flies, Thai-dyed shirts, and gynecologists named Buddy.

--- THIS WEEK’S FARMING TIP ---

I’m one-twelfth farmer myself, and some of my closest friends have met Farmers, but that doesn’t mean I’ve got to have a Farming Tip every week. Farming tips can be found in the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is not the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is the Moron’s Almanac. Please try not to get us mixed up again: it confuses us and embarrasses the farmers. Thanks.

© 1999, JustMorons.com

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