THE MORON’S ALMANAC © 1999, JustMorons.com

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Almost as reliable as the Farmer’s Almanac®, but without all that crap about farming.

*** Volume 3, Number 4 ***

*** Wednesday, August 18 through Tuesday, August 24 ***

--- MORONIC TRIVIA ---

(Answer below)

What did Vicenzo Perruggia steal on August 21, 1911?

a. The Shroud of Turin

b. Home plate

c. The Mona Lisa

d. The Sistine Chapel

e. The Hope Diamond

Bonus: what was his day job?

---THIS WEEK’S VITAL MORONIC INFO---

National Bad Poetry Day, U.S.

Independence Day, Afghanistan

Flag Society Founding Day, Australia

St. Stephen's Day, Hungary

Princess Margaret's Birthday, U.K.

Liberation Day, Laos

Liberation Day, Romania

Independence Day, Ukraine

--- HUMAN RESOURCES ---

The dog days of summer have historically been a time of transition in the workplace.

On August 19, 1936, for example, Federico Garcia Lorca retired from his position as Spain’s most celebrated poet and playwright in order to become a gravedigger. This proved to have been a poor career move: his Fascist supervisors were so displeased with his work that they shot him to death after he had dug only one grave.

Four years later, Soviet career man Leon Trotsky didn’t quit outright, but wisely used some of the vacation time he’d accumulated to head down to Mexico and think through his options. On August 20, 1940, in Mexico City, he met with one of Stalin’s human resources representatives, who suggested Trotsky take an early retirement. The suggestion was accompanied by several persuasive blows to the head with an axe, which seriously impeded Trotsky’s growth potential. Sadly, he died before he could sue for damages.

On August 23, 1305, Scottish patriot William Wallace was persuaded to take an early retirement. According to one eyewitness: "He was hung in a noose, and afterwards let down half-living; next his genitals were cut off and his bowels torn out and burned in a fire; then and not till then his head was cut off and his trunk cut into four pieces. At this point he was given a gold watch, and a humorous card that we had all signed. "

On August 22, 1485, at the Battle of Bosworth, England’s King Richard III was terminated for having made a fiscally irresponsible bid on a horse.

Niccola Sacco and Bartolomeo Vanzetti were terminated by the Commonwealth of Massachusetts on August 23, 1927.

On August 18, 1991, communist hard-liners in the Soviet Union relieved President Mikhail Gorbachev of his duties. Two days later, Estonia quit the Soviet Union. The day after that, Latvia quit. Three days later, Belarus quit. Eventually everyone else quit, and the Soviet Union went out of business.

In the year 79, on August 24, the entire city of Pompeii was fired by Mount Vesuvius.

On August 24, 1967, George Lincoln Rockwell, the leader of the American Nazi Party, was relieved of his duties by means of the usual Nazi method: he was shot to bloody hell.

And on August 24, in the year 410, in what was possibly the largest layoff in history, all of Rome was sacked.

--- THIS WEEK IN HISTORY ---

There has been too much history already. There will be no further history this week.

--- BIRTHDAYS THIS WEEK ---

Christian Slater (1969)

Patrick Swayze (1954)

Martin Mull (1943)

Robert Redford (1937)

Roman Polanski (1933)

Rosalynn Carter (1927)

Shelley Winters (1922)

Virginia Dare (1587)

Adam Arkin (1956)

Tipper Gore (1948)

Bill Clinton (1946)

Willie Shoemaker (1931)

Gene Roddenberry (1921)

Malcolm Forbes (1919)

Ogden Nash (1902)

Orville Wright (1871)

Robert Plant (1948)

Connie Chung (1946)

Isaac Hayes (1942)

H.P. Lovecraft (1890)

Benjamin Harrison (1833)

Kenny Rogers (1938)

Wilt Chamberlain (1936)

Count Basie (1904)

Aubrey Beardsley (1872)

Tori Amos (1963)

Cindy Williams (1947)

Valerie Harper (1940)

Carl Yastrzemski (1939)

Norman Schwarzkopf (1934)

Ray Bradbury (1920)

John Lee Hooker (1917)

Deng Xiaoping (1904)

Dorothy Parker (1893)

Claude Debussy (1862)

River Phoenix (1970)

Shelley Long (1949)

Rick Springfield (1949)

Barbara Eden (1934)

Mark Russell (1932)

Gene Kelly (1912)

Louis XVI (1754)

Marlee Matlin (1965)

Cal Ripken, Jr. (1960)

Steve Guttenberg (1958)

Elvis Costello (1954)

Yasser Arafat (1929)

--- THE MORONIC FINANCIER ---

Many readers have been inquiring about pyramid schemes. I cannot overstate my objection to pyramid schemes. Not only are they illegal, they’re also extremely impractical. What would you do with a pyramid? How would you get it past customs? How would you sell it discreetly? How would you protect yourself from the Curse of the Mummy? Pyramids are not commodities: they’re durable goods. They also just happen to be culturally important historical artifacts. You’ll never have to worry about the Curse of the Mummy so long as you steer well clear of pyramid scams.

I guarantee it.

--- HEALTHY LIVING NOTEBOOK ---

Most people have learned to watch their cholesterol and blood pressure, and my regular readers have hopefully learned by now to avoid poisonous snakes and meteorites, but how many Americans really know how to protect themselves against assassination? Not many. And yet, each year, millions of people are killed by assassins.

It’s tragic because these are needless deaths, almost all of which could have been prevented. A few simple precautions can help ensure that no assassin’s bullet will ever have your name on it:

First, get plenty of exercise, eat plenty of vegetables, and avoid being born into royalty.

Don’t be president, prime minister, or other Top Person.

Don’t create a military junta or mastermind a coup.

Don’t say or write anything that might be considered disparaging by anyone with

their own military junta.

Do not found a religion.

Do not oppose a religion.

If your parents are gods, dismember them.

If your children are gods, devour them.

Excel at nothing.

Stay indoors.

Always call shotgun when driving with suicide car-bombers.

--- ASTROLOGICAL FORECAST ---

(See the online version of the almanac for custom weekly forecasts every Wednesday night. This week’s guest astrologist is Dorothy Parker.)

Time to get caught up on your laundry. Conflict with a loved one may catch you by surprise, but don’t pay for the Polaroids. Avoid eggplant and treasury bonds this week, but don’t be afraid to use a little extra ketchup. Conditions favor saltwater taffy, constitutional amendments, and gratuitous nudity. There’s something stuck to your shoe.

Trivia solution: (c) He stole the Mona Lisa from the Louvre. Bonus: he was a waiter. Extra bonus: the Mona Lisa was returned to the Louvre in 1913.

--- THIS WEEK’S FARMING TIP ---

Try to understand. It isn’t that I wouldn’t like to provide a weekly farming tip. I enjoy farming tips, and appreciate all the many contributions of Agriculture. But farming tips are hard to come by, especially on a tight budget. Persons seeking farming tips are referred to the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is not the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is the Moron’s Almanac. Please try not to get us mixed up again: it confuses us and embarrasses the farmers. Thanks.

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