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Almost as reliable as the Farmer’s Almanac®, but without all that crap about farming.

*** Volume 3, Number 5 ***

*** Wednesday, August 25 through Tuesday, August 31 ***

--- EDITORIAL NOTE ---

The Moron’s Almanac is experiencing technical difficulties as a result of having tried to switch ISPs. (It will never again attempt to switch ISPs.) This has not only caused this week’s two-day delay in publication, but has rendered the website temporarily unpublishable. I apologize, and will happily refund the subscription of anyone who has been inconvenienced. In fact, I will happily refund everyone’s full subscription price.

Your check is attached.

Sincerely,

This Moron

Proprietor

--- MORONIC TRIVIA ---

(Answer below)

What went on display on August 25, 1978, for the first time in 237 years?

a. The Shroud of Turin

b. Michelangelo’s "Buonoretti"

c. The Polonese Spoon

d. The Mona Lisa

e. The head of John the Baptist

--- POLITICAL PHILOSOPHY ---

John Locke was born on August 29, 1632. Mr. Locke was a political philosopher, and many of his ideas found their way into the American Constitution. He is best known for his essay concerning human understanding, "An Essay Concerning Human Understanding," which remains famous to this day as the shortest essay ever written.

On August 27, 1770, George William Hegel was born. Hegel was also a kind of political philosopher. He believed that sooner or later everyone ended up in Synthetics. Unfortunately there was no way to test his theory, as this was well before the invention of polyester.

Another important political philosopher was born this week: Jean Baptiste Colbert was born on August 29, 1619. Colbert was the finance minister to King Louis XIV of France. His own Political Philosophy consisted of a big pile of money. This was a very effective politics, and therefore deemed insufficiently philosophical, which is why you tend to hear more about Locke and Hegel.

Gaius Caesar Caligula was born on August 31 in the year 12. Caligula succeeded Tiberius in 37, and his reign was most notable for its policy of Sex with the Emperor. This turned out to have been a weak Political Philosophy, because the Romans all had classical educations and saw right through him. So they killed him.

On August 30, 30 BC, Egypt’s Queen Cleopatra clutched a snake to her breast and died. History has judged this a suicide, but there is room for doubt: she had previously clutched Julius Caesar and Marc Antony to her breast without dying, and may have therefore considered herself immunized.

The Council of Nicaea ended on August 25, 325, resulting in the Nicene Creed. This established the doctrine of the Holy Trinity, which proved that the Father and Son were not two, but three, and therefore also one. This was a controversial creed, and alienated many math teachers from the church. Its repercussions eventually caused a Schism, which resulted in Infidels, thereby necessitating considerable bloodshed and more Political Philosophy.

Having captured the Incan Emperor, Atahualpa, and demanded his weight in gold for ransom, Francisco Pizarro had to wait some time for the gold to arrive. Eventually it did, and on August 29, 1533, Atahualpa was therefore executed. The unusually effective Political Philosophy employed by Pizarro is known today as Gunpowder.

Buddy Hackett was born on August 31, 1924.

---THIS WEEK’S VITAL MORONIC INFO---

Constitution Day, Paraguay

Independence Day, Uruguay

FULL MOON

Namibia Day, Namibia

Flag Day, Liberia

Independence Day, Moldova

Slovak National Uprising Day, Slovakia

Flag Day, Spain

Independence Day, Azerbaijan

St. Rose of Lima Day, Peru

Victory Day, Turkey

Flag Day, India

Independence Day, Kyrgyzstan

Independence Day, Malaysia

Independence Day, Trinidad and Tobago

--- THIS WEEK IN HISTORY ---

On August 25, 1925, the Sleeping Car Porters’ Union was established by A. Phillip Randolph, a political malcontent who’d been agitating for reform ever since his ejection from the Wide Awake Car Porters’ Union.

On August 26, 1883, Krakatoa erupted, between Java and Sumatra. The two day eruption and related tidal waves killed 36,000 people and destroyed two thirds of the island. On a lighter note, "Krakatoa" sounds like "cracked a toe, huh?" and can be used in many humorous puns.

On August 26, 1920, the 9^th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution granted women suffrage. Most women opposed the amendment, on the grounds that they had suffered enough already. It passed anyway, since only men could vote.

On August 26, 1982, the Argentine government ended its ban on political parties. This resulted in more festive politicians, and the great National Hangover of 1983.

On August 26, 1743, Antoine Laurent Lavoisier was born. Dr. Lavoisier discovered oxygen. The discovery was a great boon to science, as it enabled Breathing, without which many subsequent scientific advances would have been impossible.

--- BIRTHDAYS THIS WEEK ---

Claudia Schiffer (1970)

Elvis Costello (1954)

Gene Simmons (1949)

Rollie Fingers (1946)

Sean Connery (1930)

Monty Hall (1923)

George Wallace (1919)

Leonard Bernstein (1918)

Walt Kelly (1913)

Clara Bow (1905)

Geraldine Ferraro (1935)

Mother Teresa (1910)

Christopher Isherwood (1904)

Antoine Laurent Lavoisier (1743)

Paul "Pee-wee Herman" Reubens (1952)

Barbara Bach (1947)

Harry Reems (1947)

Tuesday Weld (1943)

Martha Raye (1916)

Lyndon B. Johnson (1908)

Samuel Goldwyn (1882)

Theodore Dreiser (1871)

George William Hegel (1770)

Scott Hamilton (1958)

David Soul (1943)

Ben Gazzara (1930)

Charles Boyer (1899)

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749)

Michael Jackson (1958)

Elliott Gould (1938)

Charlie "Bird" Parker (1920)

Ingrid Bergman (1915)

Preston Sturges (1898)

Jean Baptiste Colbert (1619)

John Locke (1632)

Cameron Diaz (1972)

Robert Parrish (1953)

Frank "Tug" McGraw (1944)

Ted Williams (1918)

Fred MacMurray (1908)

Shirley Booth (1898)

Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley (1797)

Huey P. Long (1893)

Richard Gere (1949)

Van Morrison (1945)

Itzhak Perlman (1945)

James Coburn (1928)

Buddy Hackett (1924)

William Saroyan (1908)

Gaius Caesar Caligula (12)

--- HEALTHY LIVING NOTEBOOK ---

Political Philosophy has caused more human death and suffering than any other disease. No inoculations exist. Outbreaks are sudden, and almost always fatal. Political Philosophy strikes young and old alike, healthy and sickly, nimble and clumsy. By the time its symptoms become apparent, you have very little time to protect yourself. Popular referendums will only exacerbate the problem. Emigrate at once.

Case study: on August 27, 1793, the Committee of Public Safety in Paris, France, accepted its newest member, Maximilien Robespierre. Robespierre soon rose to prominence on the basis of his Political Philosophy, the Guillotine, which was quicker than Inalienable Rights and more readily understood than Separation of Powers.

--- ASTROLOGICAL FORECAST ---

(See the online version of the almanac for custom weekly forecasts every Wednesday night. Except this week, when they’ll appear on Friday. Unless the website is still unpublishable, in which case this wake’s forecast may be skipped entirely.)

Don’t be an idiot: everyone sees right through you. You can’t keep fooling them with the same old song and dance. You’ve got to get creative. Stop censoring that inventive inner voice. Snap out of the routine and take some risks. Surprise people. Confuse them. THEN go for their wallets.

(That thing is still stuck to your heel.)

Trivia solution: None of the above, although the Shroud of Turin hadn’t been displayed for 45 years.

--- THIS WEEK’S FARMING TIP ---

If you’re still looking for farming tips, you may wish to consult a trusted counselor, physician, or member of the clergy. There are no farming tips here. Farming tips can be found in the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is not the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is the Moron’s Almanac. Please try not to get us mixed up again: it confuses us and embarrasses the farmers. Thanks.

© 1999, JustMorons.com

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