THE MORON’S ALMANAC © 1999, JustMorons.com

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Almost as reliable as the Farmer’s Almanac®, but without all that crap about farming.

*** Volume 3, Number 6 ***

*** Wednesday, September 1 through Tuesday, September 7 ***

--- MORONIC TRIVIA ---

(Answer below)

What is a citizen of the Republic of San Marino properly called?

a. San Mariner

b. San Marinoid

c. Sammarinot

d. Sammarinese

e. Italian

Bonus: If you had a dollar for every man, woman, and child in San Marino, could you afford a new Mercedes?

Super bonus: How about a Hyundai?

--- KINGS AND QUEENS ---

Many famous kings and queens have been born or crowned during the first week of September. The very name of the month September comes to us from the Latin "Septum," meaning VII, as in Henry VII and Louis VII, both of whom were kings. (Superbowl VII was won by the Miami Dolphins, who remain the only undefeated team in NFL history, which ought to count for something.)

On September 3, 1189, Richard Lionheart was crowned King of England. The son of Henry II (no relation to Rocky II) and Eleanor of Aquitaine, Richard spent most of his ten-year reign abroad. For two of these years he was imprisoned by the Holy Roman Emperor, who was neither holy, nor Roman, nor an emperor, but a nasty little man just the same.

When Richard finally returned to English soil he discovered there had been Intrigues, some of which involved his brothers. He therefore crossed the channel and defeated France before dying in battle.

He had only produced one son, and the most crushing defeat of Richard’s tragic life had been the discovery that the child was a little bastard.

Much further on in English history, Elizabeth I was born on September 7, 1533. She was coronated at age twenty-five and remained upon the throne for forty-four years, which goes a long way toward explaining why she remained a virgin all her life. She is best known for having ordered the destruction of the Spanish Armadillo, and for the invention of Shakespeare.

On September 5, 1638, King Louis XIV of France was born. Like Elizabeth in England, Louis inherited a struggling kingdom and built it into a major power. Unlike Elizabeth, Louis did not remain a virgin. On the contrary, he produced so many little bastards that he came to be known as the "Son King," which led him to conclude famously "L’etat, c’est moi." ("Kid, I’m your father.")

Lydia Kamekeha Liliuokalani was born on September 2, 1838. Upon the death of her brother in 1891, she became sovereign Queen of Hawaii. This was considered posing by the American colonials of Hawaii, who reminded her that monarchy was unconstitutional in the United States. She observed that Hawaii was not part of the United States. This was more than unconstitutional: it was cheeky. She was immediately deposed. She subsequently wrote "Aloha Oe" and retired.

Although there can be no royalty in the United States, as Queen Lydia learned the hard way, one young woman is crowned each year as Miss America. The first such coronation was held on September 6, 1921. Miss America reigns for one year, at which point she must retire, unless she removes her clothing, in which case she is deposed.

Lastly, of course, one of the most popular Queens of the modern age was born on September 5, 1946: his name was Freddie Mercury.

---THIS WEEK’S VITAL MORONIC INFO---

Revolution Anniversary, Libya

Constitution Day, Slovakia

Independence Day, Uzbekistan

Venice Film Festival begins

Republic Day, Vietnam

Independence Day, Qatar

Telluride Film Festival begins

St. Marinus Day, San Marino

Flag Day, Mozambique

National Holiday, Western Samoa

Prince Claus Day, Netherlands

Defense Day, Pakistan

Heroes' Day, Sao Tome and Principe

Independence Day, Swaziland

Labor Day, U.S.

Independence Day, Brazil

Flag Day, Kuwait

--- THIS WEEK IN HISTORY ---

On September 3, 301, during an epic game of hide and seek, Marinus the Stonemason ran up Mount Titano in Italy to hide from the Roman Emperor Diocletian. It was a good hiding spot, and he was never found. He started his own country to pass the time, and the Republic of San Marino survives to this day.

On September 2, 1666, Thomass Farrinor forgot to put out his oven at the end of his shift. Unfortunately, the resulting fire cost him his job as official baker to King Charles II of England. On the plus side, however, it burned out of control and destroyed four-fifths of London, thereby ending the Black Plague.

Verdun, France surrendered to the Prussian army on September 2, 1792. Exactly seventy-eight years later, Napoleon III surrendered to the Prussians at Sedan. Prussia got so excited she decided to become Germany. Surrendering to the Germans became a French institution, like soft cheese. It was surely with a nostalgic eye that Parisiens watched on September 5, 1944, as the first of Germany’s V-2 missiles rained down upon them.

Meanwhile, on September 3, 1939, Germany had continued its invasion of Poland even though Britain had asked it very nicely to stop, and had been very patient. This upset the British sensibility, and they declared war. This began World War II in Europe.

On September 3, 1838, Frederick Douglass escaped slavery disguised as a sailor. Later he wrote about his experiences in a book called "The Narrative Life of Frederick Douglass," the title of which may have diminished the effectiveness of his disguise.

On September 4, 1781, the Spanish named a tiny little village near the Pacific coast Los Angeles de los Huevos Rancheros Cerveza Fria de los Pollo Loco, which is better known to us today by its anglicized and abbreviated name: Pasadena.

--- HEALTHY LIVING NOTEBOOK / MORONIC FINANCIER ---

The HLN and the Moronic Financier are on vacation.

--- BIRTHDAYS THIS WEEK ---

Gloria Estefan (1957)

Barry Gibb (1946)

Lily Tomlin (1939)

Seiji Ozawa (1935)

Rocky Marciano (1923)

Yvonne DeCarlo (1922)

Edgar Rice Burroughs (1875)

Salma Hayek (1966)

Keanu Reeves (1964)

Jimmy Connors (1952)

Christa McAuliffe (1948)

Lydia Kamekeha Liliuokalani (1838)

Charlie Sheen (1965)

Kitty Carlisle-Hart (1914)

Alan Ladd (1913)

Mike Piazza (1968)

Mitzi Gaynor (1930)

Paul Harvey (1918)

Henry Ford II (1917)

Richard Wright (1908)

Dweezil Zappa (1969)

Cathy Guisewaite (1950)

Freddie Mercury (1946)

Raquel Welch (1940)

Bob Newhart (1929)

Jesse James (1847)

Louis XIV (1638)

Rosie Perez (1964)

Jane Curtin (1947)

Jo Anne Worley (1937)

Joseph P. Kennedy (1888)

Marquis de Lafaytette (1757)

Devon Sawa (1978)

Julie Kavner (1951)

Buddy Holly (1936)

Elia Kazan (1909)

Grandma Moses (1860)

Elizabeth I (1533)

--- WEATHER OUTLOOK ---

In Hartford, Hereford, and Hampshire, hurricanes hardly happen. On the eastern seaboard of the United States, however, they happen pretty goddam often. It doesn’t have to come as such a surprise every fall. The Moronic Meteorologist recommends that people either get the hell out of Cape Hatteras or get used to a goddam hurricane now and then.

--- ASTROLOGICAL FORECAST ---

(See the online version of the almanac for custom weekly forecasts every Wednesday night.)

Steer clear of marmelade. Financial outlook darkens; this might be a good week to steal things. A certain someone appears to be entertaining romantic thoughts about you, unless they’re plotting to kill you. Either way, take plenty of calcium supplements. Conditions favor cronyism, betrayal, and hypocrisy, but don’t be too hard on yourself if you don’t have time for all three.

Trivia solution: (d) Sammarinese. Bonus: no, you could not afford a new Mercedes on $25,000. Super bonus: yes, you could probably get a brand new Hyundai, with rustproofing to boot.

--- THIS WEEK’S FARMING TIP ---

There was almost a farming tip this week, but at the last moment it was pulled from publication on account of its incendiary nature. Thus we are once again left without a farming tip. Farming tips can be found in the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is not the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is the Moron’s Almanac. Please try not to get us mixed up again: it confuses us and embarrasses the farmers. Thanks.

© 1999, JustMorons.com

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in JustMorons.com do not necessarily reflect those of anyone educated past sixth grade.