THE MORON’S ALMANAC © 1999, JustMorons.com

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Almost as reliable as the Farmer’s Almanac®, but without all that crap about farming.

*** Volume 3, Number 7 ***

*** Wednesday, September 8 through Tuesday, September 14 ***

--- MORONIC TRIVIA ---

(Answer below)

What did George Washington call for on September 9, 1786?

a. The annexation of Mexico

b. The head of George III

c. The abolition of slavery

d. The restoration of the crown

e. A dental plan for federal employees

--- MILITARY GENIUS ---

On September 12, 490 B.C., an Athenian General named Miltiades led the first collective Greek military action against a common enemy, the Persians, at the battle of Marathon.

On September 9, 1890 a little boy named Harland was born in Kentucky.

Miltiades commanded an army composed of Athenians and Plataeans, with the anticipated support of the Spartans, and faced down an invading Persian force of vastly superior numbers.

When Harland was six, his father died and his mother was forced to go to work. Little Harland therefore did much of the cooking for his younger siblings. By the age of seven he was a master of regional cuisine.

In defiance of traditional Athenian military strategy, Miltiades decided to attack the Persians in spite of their overwhelming force, rather than entrench his forces and await the Persian offensive.

There was no stopping the ambitious Harland, who had his own highway service station in Corbin, Kentucky, by the time he was forty.

Miltiades took advantage of the uneven terrain at Marathon, which prevented the Persians from making effective use of their cavalry, and limited the mobility of their infantry.

Harland began cooking for hungry travelers who stopped at his service station. He didn’t own a restaurant, so he served them at his own dining table. Word of his excellent cooking spread, and soon he moved across the street to a restaurant that seated 142 people.

The attacking Greek force caught the Persians off guard, and drove them back to the shore, where the survivors scrambled onto their ships and departed. Miltiades’ unorthodox strategy had won the day.

Harland’s cooking soon became so well known that Kentucky Governor Ruby Laffoon made him a colonel.

The victory of General Miltiades over the Persians at Marathon gave the Greeks confidence that they could not only withstand but could even turn back such an invasion. The Persians had previously been considered invincible, but this spell was now broken. The victory at Marathon gave the Greeks the confidence they needed to develop western civilization.

In an independent 1976 survey, Colonel Harland Sanders was ranked as the world’s second most recognizable figure.

General Miltiades won the battle that opened the door to western civilization; Colonel Sanders gave us the chicken that makes life there worth living.

The Moron’s Almanac salutes both these military geniuses.

---THIS WEEK’S VITAL MORONIC INFO---

La Vierge de Meritxell, Andorra

NEW MOON

Socialist Revolution Anniversary, Bulgaria

National Sports Day, Indonesia

Establishment of the Republic Day, North Korea

Independence Day, Tajikstan

Toronto International Film Festival begins

Battle of St. George's Cay, Belize

Independence Day, Guinea Bissau

Founder's Death Anniversary, Pakistan

Rosh Hashanah

Day of the Nation, Cape Verde

Popular Revolution Day, Ethiopia

Amilcar Cabral's Birthday, Guinea Bissau

Opening Day in the NFL

Palestine - Israel - PLO Accord

Battle of San Jacinto Day, Nicaragua

--- THIS WEEK IN HISTORY ---

On September 8, 1628, John Endicott arrived in Naumkeag, Massachusetts, as the leader of a group of Puritan Bastards who had purchased land patents from the Plymouth Council in England. (A group of previous settlers had established themselves in Naumkeag in 1626. They had no patent, and were therefore Villainous Heretics, but they gladly surrendered their claim in the face of the newcomers’ Superior Moral Virtue, which came in a variety of gauges.) Later Naumkeag became Salem and developed Witches, ultimately resulting in a profitable cottage industry.

Constantine the Great’s three sons, Constantine II, Constans, and Constantius II, named themselves Caesars and divided the Roman Empire between them on September 9, 337. But it was nearly sixteen hundred years before Sid Caesar himself was born, on September 8, 1922.

On September 10, 1419, supporters of the French Dolphin murdered John the Fearless. Moral: be afraid.

On September 10, 1623, a cargo load of lumber and fur became the first exports in history from North America to England. This ensured the commercial success of the new world, as Europe had long been paralyzed by a shortage of sticks and hair.

On September 14, 1814, in the middle of the War of 1812, the British attacked Fort McHenry. One witness to this attack was Francis Scott Key, who was moved by patriotic fervor to write a rousing American anthem. Unfortunately, he had been confused for some time on account of the War of 1812 having lasted into 1814, and he therefore wrote "The Star Spangled Banner" instead.

Ivan Pavlov was born on September 14, 1849. Pavlov was a Russian scientist who discovered that dogs drooled whenever bells were rung. Only after his death were his ideas discredited, by a group of Swedish scientists who determined that dogs also drooled when bells were not rung.

--- HEALTHY LIVING NOTEBOOK ---

Deadly mosquitoes have been carrying encephalitis throughout Queens and the Bronx. The Healthy Living Notebook takes this threat to the national welfare very seriously, in no small part because the Healthy Living Notebook is based in Queens.

Encephalitis causes swelling of the brain, which can in turn cause enlargement of the head. Contrary to the examples of encephalitics you see in the newspaper every day—notable examples would include Charlie Brown and Calvin—encephalitis is a deadly condition whose victims would be less likely to play with frisky beagles or stuffed tigers than to vomit blood and die.

The best way to avoid encephalitis is to avoid the mosquitoes that carry it. This can be done by avoiding Queens and the Bronx. This should not require undue hardship, as the truly health-conscious reader probably avoids most of Queens and the Bronx already.

And also Brooklyn.

--- MORONIC FINANCIER ---

A lot of people ask me how they can make money on Beanie Babies. I always tell them, "You can’t." The only way to make money off Beanie Babies would be to have invented them in the first place. This would now be difficult, in light of U.S. copyright law. The next best thing is to invent something just like Beanie Babies, only different. Do that.

--- BIRTHDAYS THIS WEEK ---

Patsy Cline (1932)

Peter Sellers (1925)

Sid Caesar (1922)

Claude Pepper (1900)

Siegfried Sassoon (1876)

Adam Sandler (1966)

Hugh Grant (1960)

Michael Keaton (1951)

Billy Preston (1946)

Otis Redding (1941)

Cliff Robertson (1925)

Colonel Harland Sanders (1890)

Leo Tolstoy (1828)

Ryan Phillippe (1975)

Amy Irving (1953)

Jose Feliciano (1945)

Charles Kuralt (1934)

Roger Maris (1934)

Arnold Palmer (1929)

Harry Connick, Jr. (1967)

Kristy McNichol (1962)

Lola Falana (1943)

Brian DePalma (1940)

Tom Landry (1924)

O. Henry (1862)

D.H. Lawrence (????)

Rachel Ward (1957)

Barry White (1944)

Jesse Owens (1913)

Maurice Chevalier (1888)

H.L. Mencken (1880)

Fiona Apple (1977)

Nell Carter (1948)

Jacqueline Bisset (1944)

Mel Torme (1925)

Roald Dahl (1916)

Claudette Colbert (1903)

Sherwood Anderson (1876)

Sam Neill (1947)

Joey Heatherton (1944)

Nicol Williamson (1938)

Harve Presnell (1933)

Clayton Moore (1914)

Ivan Pavlov (1849)

--- WORD OF THE WEEK ---

This week’s word is hurricane, from the Latin "hurri," meaning "hurry," and the Latin "cano," meaning "dog." Together, of course, this makes "hurry dog," which has baffled lexicographers for centuries, especially given the absence of hurricanes in Imperial Rome.

Trivia solution: (c) George Washington called for the abolition of slavery in 1786 and slavery was in fact abolished less than a century later, establishing a long-honored precedent for federal efficacy.

--- ASTROLOGICAL FORECAST ---

(See the online version of the almanac for custom weekly forecasts every Wednesday night. This week’s guest astrologist: Leo Tolstoy.)

It’s time to dust those hard-to-reach places and vacuum under the couch. It’s probably also about time you bought some new underwear. Expect surprising news from a distant relative, or news of a surprising relative. (Insist on DNA testing.) Conditions favor possible excitement at work or school, so wear a flak jacket or call in sick. Stop touching yourself.

--- THIS WEEK’S FARMING TIP ---

Farmers may come, and farmers may go, but it’ll be a cold day in hell before they find any tips here. Farming tips can be found in the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is not the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is the Moron’s Almanac. Please try not to get us mixed up again: it confuses us and embarrasses the farmers. Thanks.

© 1999, JustMorons.com

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