THE MORON’S ALMANAC © 1999, JustMorons.com

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Almost as reliable as the Farmer’s Almanac®, but without all that crap about farming.

*** Volume 3, Number 8 ***

*** Wednesday, September 15 through Tuesday, September 21 ***

--- MORONIC TRIVIA ---

(Answer below)

On September 18, 1830, the first U.S.-built locomotive, "Tom Thumb," lost a nine-mile race to:

a. a dog

b. a horse

c. a dog riding a horse

d. a hoarse dog

e. Thumbelina

--- INGLORIOUS DEATH ---

Giles Corey was accused of witchcraft in 1692. This put him in a difficult spot. If he pleaded guilty, he’d be burned alive at the stake (hanged). If he pleaded not guilty, he’d have to take a lie-detector test.

The state-of-the-art lie detector of 1692 wasn’t any less accurate than its contemporary descendants, but it was significantly rougher on its subjects: it was called Dunking. The tightly bound subject would be Dunked repeatedly into a pond or lake. One of the primary symptoms of demonic possession was immunity to water, so those who survived the process were rewarded with a warm, dry burning at the stake (hanged). Those who drowned from the Dunking, on the other hand, were clearly innocent, and received a favorable ruling posthumously.

Giles Corey wasn’t eager to be burned at the stake (hanged), but he wasn’t keen on posthumous vindication, either. A plea of guilty meant the stake (noose); a plea of not-guilty meant drowning or the stake (noose). Mr. Corey therefore did what any reasonable person might have done: he claimed his Fifth Amendment rights under the Constitution and said nothing.

This was a foolish and costly blunder, as the Constitution had not yet been invented.

Baffled by the accused’s refusal to enter a plea, the court pressed him for an answer. Literally. On September 19, 1692, Giles Corey became the first, last, and only American ever to have been pressed to death.

This week also marks the anniversary of several other interesting deaths.

As a member of British Parliament in the post-Waterloo era, William Huskisson probably imagined dozens of ways in which history might remember him. On September 15, 1830, however, as he chatted amiably with the Duke of Wellington at the grand opening of the Liverpool & Manchester Railway, the right honorable gentleman distinguished himself for posterity by becoming the first human being in history to be run over by a train. (The Duke of Wellington, on the other hand, is remembered for his Beef.)

Exactly thirty-four years later another hardy British soul, the explorer John Speke, was probably confident he’d be remembered as the first European ever to have seen Lake Victoria in Africa. He is actually remembered as the first European in Africa to see Lake Victoria and then accidentally shoot and kill himself while hunting partridges.

On September 19, 1943, "Mama" Cass Elliott was born. She sang with the Mamas and the Papas, and although she did her best to perpetuate a rumor that everyone except her was getting fat, she choked to death on a ham sandwich.

---THIS WEEK’S VITAL MORONIC INFO---

Independence Day, El Salvador

Independence Day, Guatemala

Independence Day, Honduras

Respect for the Aged Day, Japan

Independence Day, Nicaragua

Independence Day, Costa Rica

Independence Day, Mexico

Independence Day, Papua New Guinea

Constitution Day, U.S.

Independence Day, Chile

Liberation Day, Luxembourg

Independence Day, St. Kitts and Nevis

Yom Kippur (Jewish)

AUTUMNAL EQUINOX

Independence Day, Armenia

Independence Day, Belize

International Day of Peace, U.N.

--- THIS WEEK IN HISTORY ---

The Germans occupied the Sudetenland in late summer of 1938. This enraged the British and the English, who both feared for the loss of the Sudetenland’s celebrated pea crops. On September 15, British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain flew to Germany to meet Hitler at Bertesgaden to discuss the situation. Hitler assured him that there would be plenty of peas to go around, and Chamberlain returned to England with the famous proclamation of Peas in Our Time. World War II was therefore avoided, and did not break out until some time later, when Germany violated her Peas agreement.

On September 15, 1588, inspired by Queen Elizabeth’s Oscar-winning speech, the British fleet destroyed the previously invincible Spanish Armadillo.

On September 15, 1776, the British occupied Manhattan. Outraged by the rents and discouraged by the lack of parking, however, they left shortly afterwards, leaving only journalists behind.

On September 15, 1928, Scottish bacteriologist Alexander Fleming accidentally discovered that the mold penicillin had an antibiotic effect. Had he cleaned his laboratory every night and put all his things away like a good little boy, he never would have discovered penicillin, and half of us would be dead right now.

On September 16, 1620, a shipful of Puritan Bastards ("Pilgrims" for short) set sail from England in their boat, the Mayflower. Eventually they arrived in Plymouth, Massachusetts, where they became the first tourists in history to visit Plymouth Rock.

On September 19, 1957, the U.S. conducted its first underground nuclear test in the Nevada desert. This caused a major disturbance in the natural order of the fragile desert eco-system, ultimately resulting in Las Vegas.

On September 19, 1959, during a visit to California, Soviet Premiere Nikita Khruschev was denied a visit to Disneyland.

On September 21, 1915, Stonehenge was auctioned off to a Mr. Chubb, who bought it as a present for his wife. It only cost him 6600 pounds sterling, but it didn’t match the drapes and he therefore returned it.

--- HEALTHY LIVING NOTEBOOK ---

Some of my readers have been asking me about Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. This affliction kills millions of Americans every year, and is the leading cause of those spongy little wristpads. The Healthy Living Notebook is convinced that it will eventually be proved that those spongy little wristpads cause cancer, and urges the Surgeon General to do something about this grave threat to our national health. In the meanwhile, eat less carp and avoid tunnels.

--- MORONIC FINANCIER ---

A lot of people have been asking me what preparations they should make to protect themselves financially from the possibility of any Y2K fallout. Should they convert all their securities to cash? Move their retirement funds into precious metals? Stockpile automatic weapons and ammunition? Sell their children?

While it’s always a good idea to keep a loaded weapon lying around the house, and while children are always a valuable commodity, I’m not sure Y2K will actually warrant the disruption of your portfolio. Hold on to your assets. If you can’t quite reach, hold on to someone else’s.

--- BIRTHDAYS THIS WEEK ---

Prince Harry (1984)

Dan Marino (1961)

Tommy Lee Jones (1946)

Oliver Stone (1946)

Merlin Olsen (1940)

Jackie Cooper (1922)

Fay Wray (1907)

Agatha Christie (1891)

William H. Taft (1857)

James Fenimore Cooper (1789)

Madeline Zima (1985)

Jennifer Tilly (1961)

David Copperfield (1956)

Mickey Rourke (1956)

Robin Yount (1955)

Ed Begley, Jr. (1949)

Peter Falk (1927)

B.B. King (1925)

Lauren Bacall (1924)

Allen Funt (1914)

Cassandra "Elvira" Peterson (1951)

John Ritter (1948)

Ken Kesey (1935)

Anne Bancroft (1931)

Roddy McDowall (1928)

Hank Williams, Sr. (1923)

William Carlos Williams (1883)

Frankie Avalon (1939)

Jack Warden (1920)

Greta Garbo (1905)

Samuel Johnson (1709)

Alison Sweeny (1976)

Joan Lunden (1950)

Leslie "Twiggy" Lawson (1949)

Jeremy Irons (1948)

"Mama" Cass Elliott (1943)

Paul Williams (1940)

William Golding (1911)

Sophia Loren (1934)

Dr. Joyce Brothers (1928)

Arnold "Red" Auerbach" (1917)

Ferdinand "Jelly Roll" Morton (1890)

Upton Sinclair (1878)

Ricki Lake (1968)

Rob Morrow (1962)

Bill Murray (1950)

Stephen King (1947)

Larry Hagman (1931)

H.G. Wells (1866)

--- ASTROLOGICAL FORECAST ---

(See the online version of the almanac for custom weekly forecasts every Wednesday night. This week’s guest astrologist: Stephen King.)

The last week of summer is a bittersweet time. The carefree whimsy of summer must yield at last to the gathering autumn twilight, and all that has grown and thrived must wither and die. Pause and reflect in this melancholy season: you’re still fat, you’re losing your hair, and no one really loves you. And sooner or later you’ll die.

Trivia solution: (b) The locomotive lost to a horse. No accounts of the incident explicitly state that the horse was not being ridden by a dog at the time, however, so you can also give yourself credit for (c).

--- THIS WEEK’S FARMING TIP ---

Farming tips are especially tasty when soaked overnight in a soy and ginger marinade, pan-seared, then grilled for five to ten minutes per side. Tasty as they may be, however, you won’t find them here. Farming tips can be found in the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is not the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is the Moron’s Almanac. Please try not to get us mixed up again: it confuses us and embarrasses the farmers. Thanks.

© 1999, JustMorons.com

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