THE MORON’S ALMANAC © 1999, JustMorons.com

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Almost as reliable as the Farmer’s Almanac®, but without all that crap about farming.

*** Volume 3, Number 9 ***

*** Wednesday, September 22 through Tuesday, September 28 ***

--- MORONIC TRIVIA ---

(Answer below)

Late one night a detachment of heavily-armed U.S. Marines arrive at your doorstep. Their commanding officer informs you that they’ll be spending the night in your home. What is the appropriate response?

a. "Come on in."

b. "Welcome!"

c. "Can I get you something to eat?"

d. "Under the third amendment of the U.S. Constitution, I cannot be compelled to provide shelter for soldiers during peacetime."

e. "Come on in."

Hint: Think about "heavily-armed."

--- KNOW YOUR RIGHTS (AND WRITES) ---

On September 25, 1789, Congress proposed twelve amendments to the Constitution of the United States. Two of them (habeas corpus christi, and freedom from unreasonably surging seashores) were ultimately rejected. The other ten passed, and came to be known as the "Bill of Rights."

In honor of this important anniversary, I have chosen to celebrate my favorite amendment, in the hopes that it may also soon be yours. I am speaking of the Ninth Amendment.

Like Beethoven’s ninth, the Constitution’s is the standard against which all others must be measured. Unlike Beethoven’s, it doesn’t climax with a resounding choral tribute to Joy.

Here is the ninth amendment: "The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people."

This important amendment should not be neglected just because of some awkwardly placed commas.

Under the first amendment, for example, I have been given the right to say any stupid thing that pops into my head. (This should not be confused with the responsibility of doing so, which is reserved to journalists.) This is an enumerated right. My right not to have to listen to anyone else’s idiotic opinion is not enumerated, but it’s just as important.

In the second amendment, in order to preserve peace and order in the state, I have been granted the right to stockpile dangerous weapons. Unenumerated but no less important is my right not to be caught in the crossfire while you fire off a couple of clips at a Sunday School picnic.

Under the eighth amendment, I have the right not to be drawn and quartered, boiled in pitch, burned at the stake, or forced to appear on Jerry Springer. But this does not overrule my right to be entertained.

Let us all take a moment to give thanks to the Ninth Amendment, which preserves us not from the tyranny of government, but the tyranny of the dangerously demented bastards we live among.

(It is a banner week not only for American rights, but American writes: two American literary icons were born this week. Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald was born on September 24, 1896, and William Faulkner was born a year and a day later. As a result, and because both their last names begin with F, they are very often mistaken for one another. Faulkner is easily recognized as the one who appears in pictures without a crazy woman at his side.)

---THIS WEEK’S VITAL MORONIC INFO---

Independence Day, Mali

Princess Martha Louise Day, Norway

First Day of Fall

Foundation of the Kingdom, Saudi Arabia

New York Film Festival begins

Heritage Day, South Africa

Republic Day, Trinidad and Tobago

FULL MOON

Flag Day, Cape Verde

Revolution Day, Mozambique

Establishment of Republic Day, Rwanda

Constitution Day, Liechtenstein

Revolution Day, Yemen

Teacher's Day, Taiwan

Flag Day, Thailand

--- THIS WEEK IN HISTORY ---

Once upon a time there lived a mediocre schoolteacher who had never distinguished himself in any way. He never wrote or said anything of note, never committed any famous or infamous deeds, never married or had children. He seemed destined to be swallowed whole by the omnivorous mouth of obscurity. He was therefore hanged by the British forces occupying Manhattan on September 22, 1776. Moments before his execution, he observed aloud that it was a shame he couldn’t be killed more than once. This foolishness catapulted him to posthumous fame after he died, and Nathan Hale is revered to this day.

British history began on September 28, 1066, with the Norman invasion of England. The Normans were a group of Frenchmen who objected to being called Frank and changed their names to Norman. This resulted in cancellation of their French citizenship, so they joined together and invaded England under the leadership of William the Conqueror (or, in Norman, "Norman").

Prior to this invasion, Britain had been occupied mostly by Angles, Saxons, and large stones, who had never properly appreciated cricket, warm beer, or croquet, and had therefore been unable to invent England. William the Conqueror ("Norman") realized that, if it was ever going to amount to anything, what England really needed was a Great King, preferably someone very much like himself.

Appropriate arrangements were made.

On September 23, in the year 63 BC, August Caesar was born. The first real Roman Emperor, Caesar introduced the famous Pax Romana. This was a political policy which stated that any country which did not object to being conquered by Rome would be conquered by Rome. Countries not wishing to be conquered by Rome stood in violation of this policy, and were therefore invaded until they agreed to be conquered.

On September 27, 1964, the Warren Commission issued its final report, concluding that president Kennedy had been assassinated and was probably dead.

--- MORONIC FINANCIER ---

Many of you have inquired whether Life Insurance would make a good addition to your portfolio. It would not. Life Insurance is not a good investment because the collection conditions are so rigorous. You wouldn’t buy a house on condition you could only move in after you died, would you? I wouldn’t. "Very well," some of you say, "never mind its investment qualities: isn’t it a prudent measure to protect my family’s financial stability?"

You may indeed be protecting your family’s financial stability with life insurance, but you’re also giving them a powerful motive to kill you. Two out of every three spousal homicides are committed in order to collect a hefty life insurance payment, according to statistics compiled from my own recollection of last season’s "Law & Order."

Just live every day to the fullest and watch your back.

--- BIRTHDAYS THIS WEEK ---

Scott Baio (1961)

Joan Jett (1960)

Nick Cave (1957)

Debby Boone (1956)

Tommy Lasorda (1927)

Bruce Springsteen (1949)

Julio Iglesias (1943)

Ray Charles (1930)

John Coltrane (1926)

Mickey Rooney (1920)

Phil Hartman (1948)

Linda McCartney (1941)

Jim Henson (1936)

Jim McKay (1921)

F. Scott Fitzgerald (1896)

Catherine Zeta-Jones (1969)

Will Smith (1968)

Scottie Pippen (1965)

Heather Locklear (1961)

Christopher Reeve (1952)

Mark Hamill (1951)

Cheryl Tiegs (1947)

Michael Douglas (1944)

Barbara Walters (1931)

Dimitri Shostakovich (1906)

William Faulkner (1897)

Linda Hamilton (1956)

Olivia Newton-John (1948)

John Coltrane (1926)

Julie London (1926)

Jack LaLanne (1914)

George Gershwin (1898)

T.S. Eliot (1888)

Gwyneth Paltrow (1972)

Shaun Cassidy (1958)

Mike Schmidt (1949)

Meat Loaf (1947)

Jayne Meadows (1926)

William Conrad (1920)

Samuel Adams (1722)

Mira Sorvino (1967)

Moon Unit Zappa (1967)

Janeane Garofalo (1964)

Brigitte Bardot (1934)

Marcello Mastroianni (1924)

Al Capp (1909)

Ed Sullivan (1902)

Georges Clemenceau (1841)

Ethel Rosenburg (1915)

--- ASTROLOGICAL FORECAST ---

(See the online version of the almanac for custom weekly forecasts every Wednesday night. This week’s guest astrologist: F. Scott Fitzgerald.)

Conditions favor cross dressing, but be sure to undress your cross on Sunday lest you offend religious sensibilities. Your patience will be tried but acquitted. Try not to catch ebola, and avoid peanut brittle. An excellent week for indignance.

Trivia solution: If you answered (d), subtract ten points.

--- THIS WEEK’S FRAMING TIP ---

Sometimes a neutral-colored matte will set your artwork off to best advantage against your frame. For more framing tips, consult a qualified framer. For farming tips, consider dyslexia testing and consult the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is not the Farmer’s Almanac®. It’s not even the Framer’s Almanac®. This is the Moron’s Almanac. Please try not to get us mixed up again: it confuses us and embarrasses the farmers. And the framers. Thanks.

© 1999, JustMorons.com

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