The Moron's Almanac

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Almost as reliable as the Farmer’s Almanac®, but without all that crap about farming.

*** Volume 3, Number 10 ***

*** Wednesday, September 28 through Tuesday, October 5 ***

http://www.justmorons.com/almanac.html.

--- MORONIC TRIVIA ---

(Answer below)

What did Congress vote to create on September 29, 1789?

a. The Office of the Independent Counsel

b. The U.S. Army

c. The White House

d. The Pentagon

e. Congressional Immunity

--- THE GREAT COMEDIAN ---

Three of this century’s finest comedians were born on October 2: Groucho Marx (1890), Bud Abbot (1895), and Mahatma Gandhi (1869).

Groucho and Abbot were funny enough, but Gandhi looms over the comedians of this century with an imposing stature. "Nonviolence is the greatest force at the disposal of mankind," he once quipped: "It is mightier than the mightiest weapon of destruction devised by the ingenuity of man."

That a humorist capable of such scathing sarcastic wit should have sullied himself with politics is regrettable, but Gandhi can perhaps be forgiven when we remember that, for most of his life, the Indian subcontinent was occupied by the British, and that, further, for those first few formative decades of his life the British were ruled by a queen who was not amused.

To what lengths Gandhi would go to amuse her! But alas, it was only decades after her death that his genius came to full flower, and one can only hope she was amused posthumously.

In the end, the British realized they simply didn’t get most of Gandhi’s jokes, so they left India altogether and dedicated the next few decades to the development of Monty Python.

In contrast to Gandhi, consider Spanish humorist Miguel de Cervantes, born on September 29, 1547. Cervantes might have been every bit as great a comedian as Gandhi, but for an uncharitable disposition that led him to devote an entire book to mocking a poor old man with a debilitating mental illness. Such a colossal cheap shot may have been forgiven in the age in which he lived, but today’s enlightened reader must surely condemn Cervantes for his cruel humor.

---THIS WEEK’S VITAL MORONIC INFO---

September 29
Battle of Boqueron, Paraguay

September 30
Independence Day, Botswana

October 1
Founding of the Republic, China
Independence Day, Cyprus
Armed Forces Day, South Korea
Independence Day, Nigeria
Independence Day, Palau
Independence Day, Tuvalu

October 2
Independence Day, Guinea
Mahatma Gandhi's Birthday, India

October 3
Reunification Day, Germany
Independence Day, Iraq
National Foundation Day, South Korea

October 4
Independence Day, Belgium
Independence Day, Lesotho

October 5
Constitution Day, Liechtenstein
Proclamation of the Republic, Portugal
Constitution Day, Vanuatu

--- THIS WEEK IN HISTORY ---

Jimmy Carter was born on October 1, 1924, in Plains, Georgia. Rutherford Hayes was born on October 4, 1822, in Delaware, Ohio. Chester Arthur was born on October 5, 1830, in Fairfield, Vermont. That’s three presidential birthdays in a four-day period, a glut of presidential timber not to be found anywhere else on the calendar.

Hayes came into office by one electoral vote, accomplished nothing, and did not run for a second term.

Arthur came into office as James Garfield’s vice-president and was promoted eight months later, upon Garfield’s assassination. He accomplished nothing, and wasn’t even nominated for a second term.

Through no fault of his own, Carter was elected president in 1976, and must therefore bear his share of responsibility for my own difficult early adolescence.

On September 29, 1399, Richard II was deposed, which only served him right for having posed in the first place. He was succeeded by Henry IV part I.

On September 29, 1513, Spanish explorer Vasco Nunez de Balboa (no relation) discovered the Pacific Ocean. How something that covers roughly a third of the earth’s surface could have been lost for so long is a question that stumps historians to this day.

Many Americans take great pride in tracing their lineage back to immigrants who arrived on the Mayflower. The descendants of John Billington should be especially proud, for on September 30, 1630, that pilgrim distinguished himself by becoming the first Englishman in the colonies to be hanged for murder.

On September 30, 1955, teen idol James Dean was killed in a car accident that probably could have been avoided if he had had his car inspected and tuned up regularly, had obeyed all posted highway signs, and driven only when alert and sober. On the other hand, had he survived, today James Dean would probably be tottering aimlessly around celebrity golf tournaments, pimping life insurance on infomercials, and writing tell-all memoirs.

On September 30, 1927, Babe Ruth hit his 60^th home run of the season. Mark McGwire was born on October 1, 1963, however, so this no longer matters.

Ray Kroc was born on October 5, 1902. Mr Kroc invented McDonalds, which eventually resulted in the collapse of the Soviet Union.

On October 3, 1990, East and West Germany were officially reunited. The reunification of this once great nation was recognized as a clear sign that the cold war was coming to an end, and was therefore celebrated not only in Germany, but throughout the world--excepting certain corridors of France, Poland, and the Czech Republic, where the exuberance was strangely muted.

On October 2, 1871, Brigham Young, aged 70, was arrested for polygamy. He was later convicted. Eventually the Supreme Court overturned his conviction, resulting in the exponential growth of the Mormon faith.

--- BIRTHDAYS THIS WEEK ---

September 29
Lech Walesa (1943)
Madeline Kahn (1942)
Jerry Lee Lewis (1935)
Gene Autry (1907)
Enrico Fermi (1901)

Miguel de Cervantes (1547)

September 30
Martina Hingis (1980)
Fran Drescher (1957)
Johnny Mathis (1935)
Angie Dickinson (1931)
Elie Wiesel (1928)

Truman Capote (1924)
Buddy Rich (1917)

October 1
Mark McGwire (1963)
Randy Quaid (1950)
Rod Carew (1945)
Julie Andrews (1935)
Richard Harris (1932)
George Peppard (1928)
Tom Bosley (1927)
Jimmy Carter (1924)
Walter Matthau (1920)
Vladimir Horowitz (1904)

October 2
Sting (1951)
Donna Karan (1948)
Don McLean (1945)
Rex Reed (1938)
George "Spanky" McFarland (1928)

Graham Greene (1904)
Bud Abbott (1895)
Groucho Marx (1890)
Mahatma Gandhi (1869)

October 3
Neve Campbell (1973)
Stevie Ray Vaughan (1954)
Chubby Checker (1941)
Gore Vidal (1925)
Thomas Wolfe (1900)

October 4
Alicia Silverstone (1976)
Susan Sarandon (1946)
Anne Rice (1941)
Alvin Toffler (1928)
Charlton Heston (1924)
Buster Keaton (1895)
Damon Runyon (1884)
Rutherford Hayes (1822)

October 5
Kate Winslet (1975)
Grant Hill (1972)
Mario Lemieux (1965)
Bob Geldof (1954)
Karen Allen (1951)
Vaclav Havel (1936)

Ray Kroc (1902)
Chester Arthur (1830)

--- HEALTHY LIVING ALMANAC ---

Several weeks ago, the Healthy Living Almanac advised readers about an outbreak of St. Louis Encephalitis in New York City. Recent findings suggest that this was not the St. Louis Encephalitis virus after all, but rather the West Nile fever-like virus. The Healthy Living Almanac withdraws its advisory.

These viruses are often confused because of similar symptoms--dizziness, nausea, headaches, death, etc.--but in reality they are altogether different. The St. Louis Encephalitis virus is carried by mosquitoes who have been feeding off the carcasses of birds in St. Louis, whereas the West Nile fever-like virus is carried by mosquitoes who have been feeding off the carcasses of birds in the West Nile region of Africa.

The Healthy Living Almanac regrets its unbecoming zeal in perpetuating the rumors of a St. Louis Encephalitis outbreak, and reassures all readers in metropolitan New York that they are at absolutely no risk whatever from that virus.

--- ASTROLOGICAL FORECAST ---

(See the online version of the almanac for custom weekly forecasts every Wednesday night. This week’s guest astrologist: Groucho Marx.)

The first full week of fall is a transitional period, so stay away from the craps table, wear sensible shoes, and avoid synthetic blends. Try not to slap good-natured people who don’t know any better. Conditions favor origami, agrarian economy, and mud. Remember: haste makes waste, but he who hesitates is lost.

Trivia solution: Setting a standard of Congressional expediency that has endured the centuries, Congress voted to create (b) the U.S. Army, thirteen years after the Revolutionary War began.

--- THIS WEEK’S FARMING TIP ---

While we remain steadfast to our editorial policy of No Farming Tips, we are happy to offer the following farmer advisory: farmers with comely daughters should not allow travelling salesmen to spend the night in the barn. Actual farming tips can be found in the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is not the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is the Moron’s Almanac. Please try not to get us mixed up again: it confuses us and embarrasses the farmers. Thanks.

Disclaimer: JustMorons.com is not a part of this nutritious breakfast.