THE MORON’S ALMANAC © 1999, JustMorons.com

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Almost as reliable as the Farmer’s Almanac®, but without all that crap about farming.

*** Volume 3, Number 12 ***

*** Wednesday, October 13 through Tuesday, October 19 ***

--- MORONIC TRIVIA ---

(Answer below)

October 15 marks the anniversary of Jean Pierre Blanchard making the first aerial voyage in North America. Who watched this flight first-hand?

a. Abraham Lincoln

b. Wilbur Wright

c. Orville Wright

d. Frank Lloyd Wright

e. George Washington

--- THE WILL TO DONUTS ---

(This week marks the anniversary of the first doughnut, fried up on October 19, 1917, and the birth of Friedrich Nietzsche, born on October 15, 1844.)

"Verily, men gave themselves all their pies and cakes. Verily, they did not take them, they did not find them, nor did they come to them as manna from heaven. Only man baked things for himself--he alone created rising dough, the bread of life. Therefore he calls himself ‘baker,’ which means: he who makes bread... Change of cooking--that is a change of breads. Whoever must be a baker always bakes; whoever would fry his dough makes doughnuts!...

"The bite on which I gagged the most is not the knowledge that life itself requires hostility and death and torture-crosses--but once I asked, and I was almost choked by my question: What? does life require even jelly-filled, and sprinkles? Are poisoned wells required, and stinking fires and soiled dreams and maggots in the doughnut of life?...

"The only good doughnut is fried in blood," quoth Zarathustra.

In the midst of the first world war, Salvation Army volunteer women in France found themselves stymied by inadequate supplies and ovens for baking. Unable to prepare the cakes and and pies they so badly wanted to bake for the troops, they came up with the novel idea of frying rather than baking the dough. Thus, the donut.

Nietzsche was the youngest full professor of philology in the history of the University of Basel.

The donut should not be confused with the bagel, despite their physical resemblance. The bagel is boiled and baked, whereas the donut is fried. Bagels are found in varieties such as onion, garlic, salt, poppy-seed, and sesame-seed, and are frequently consumed with cheese and fish. Donuts are not.

Nietzsche wrote works such as The Birth of Tragedy, The Will to Power, Beyond Good and Evil, and Thus Spoke Zarathustra, in which he set forth a bold new philosophical perspective.

The original donut evolved into a dozen dozen varieties, including but not limited to glazed, chocolate, chocolate-frosted, strawberry-frosted, powdered, jelly-filled, and sprinkled.

Nietzsche’s philosophy is one of the cornerstones of twentieth century thought in the western world, and his ideas remain controversial to this day.

Donuts are less controversial, but go better with coffee.

---THIS WEEK’S VITAL MORONIC INFO---

Flag Day, Madagascar

Republic Day, Yemen

St. Teresa of Avila Day, Spain

Evacuation Day, Tunisia

Francisco Morazan's Birthday, Honduras

Persons Day, Canada

Flag Day, Chile

--- THIS WEEK IN HISTORY ---

In 1916, Canadian Emily Murphy became the first female judge appointed in the British Empire. On her first day on the bench in Edmonton, Canada, however, a defense lawyer observed that she was not a person, and was therefore unqualified to serve as a judge.

This surprising revelation astonished Ms. Murphy, who subsequently asked the Canadian Supreme Court whether or not she was indeed a person. Four other women, who were also not persons, joined her appeal. Because their personhood appeared to be a question of gender, this came to be known as the Canadian Sex Appeal.

It was a complex and difficult question, so the justices of the Canadian Supreme Court did what Solomon himself might have been expected to do: they ignored it. Finally, twelve years later, they announced that no, Ms. Murphy was not a person, and neither were her four little friends.

This angered the women, who felt like persons, and looked like persons, and had always been told they were persons, and were therefore pretty sure they were persons. So they asked to speak to a supervisor, and were forwarded to the Judicial Committee of the Privy Council in London. On October 18, 1929, this august body ruled that Ms. Murphy and her friends were, after all, persons.

There have been persons throughout Canada ever since.

On October 14, 1651, Massachusetts passed laws prohibiting the poor from dressing excessively, it perhaps being felt that persons of straitened circumstances should save their money and learn to make do with simple vinaigrettes.

The German spy Mata Hari, a Dutchwoman named Margaretha Geertruida Zelle, was executed by the French on October 14, 1917. There was not much actual evidence of espionage, but she had been seen naked with German officers, and the French found this distasteful enough to kill her.

On October 13, 1903, the Boston Red Sox beat the Pittsburgh Pirates in the first World Series.

On October 14, 1944, Field Marshal Rommel of Germany was visited by two of Hitler’s personal staff. They informed him that he was suspected of involvement in the July 20^th plot to assassinate the Fuhrer, and would therefore be required either to stand trial and die, or just die. They brought some poison along to facilitate his decision.

U.S. pilot Chuck Yeager broke the sound barrier in a rocket-powered airplane on October 14, 1947. The sound barrier has never been repaired to anyone’s satisfaction,

On October 17, 1933, Albert Einstein moved from Hitler’s Germany to the United States, establishing his reputation for genius--a reputation sullied only a little by his choice to settle in New Jersey.

--- THE MORONIC OBSERVER ---

In order to get my campaign started on a positive note, I’d like to clarify a few things here at the outset. Specifically, there have been questions about certain youthful indiscretions, and these questions seem to have given rise to ugly rumors. It is time to seperate the regrettable truths from the despicable lies.

I believe we all learn from our mistakes, and given the volume and magnitude of mistakes I made in my youth, I may have learned more than most. This is not to say I condone the behavior of my younger self, only that I am not too proud to acknowledge a certain debt to his mistakes. They have made me a wiser fool.

Is it true I smoked marijuana in high school and college? Yes. Is it true I once sold a few joints to a couple of friends on their way to a Van Halen concert? Yes. Is it true that one of my college roommates once had a buddy of his out in Oregon FedEx us a quarter pound of homegrown weed that we divvied up and sold to our friends for a profit? Only partly: we never made a profit. Is it true I established a vast marijuana empire worth billions of dollars? No.

Is it true I snorted a little coke now and then at high school and college parties? Yes. Is it true I associated with several young men who worked sporadically in the cocaine retail trade to earn a little extra money on the side? Yes. Is it true one of my friends once began to encroach upon the territory of a dread druglord, and that I was handcuffed to a radiator and forced to watch as, one by one, my friend’s limbs were chainsawed off? Not entirely.

Is it true that I was a shameless philanderer, and spent my late teens and early twenties caroming from one voluptuous beauty to the next? No. (But it wasn’t for lack of trying.)

That’s the entire truth, and I’ll stand by it until I see the results of the next poll. Thank you, good night, and God Bless America.

--- BIRTHDAYS THIS WEEK ---

Nancy Kerrigan (1969)

Jerry Rice (1962)

Marie Osmond (1959)

Paul Simon (1941)

Lenny Bruce (1925)

Margaret Thatcher (1925)

Nipsey Russell (1924)

Art Tatum (1910)

Molly Pitcher (1754)

Harry Anderson (1952)

Ralph Lauren (1939)

Roger Moore (1927)

Lillian Gish (1896)

e.e. cummings (1894)

Dwight Eisenhower (1890)

William Penn (1644)

Sarah Ferguson (1959)

Jim Palmer (1945)

Penny Marshall (1942)

Linda Lavin (1937)

Lee Iacocca (1924)

Mario Puzo (1920)

Arthur Schlesinger, Jr. (1917)

John Kenneth Galbraith (1908)

P.G. Wodehouse (1881)

Friedrich Nietzsche (1844)

Virgil (70 BC)

Tim Robbins (1958)

Suzanne Somers (1946)

Gunter Grass (1927)

Angela Lansbury (1925)

Eugene O'Neill (1888)

Oscar Wilde (1854)

Lord Cardigan (1797)

Noah Webster (1758)

Howard Rollins (1950)

Margot Kidder (1948)

George Wendt (1948)

Evel Knievel (1938)

Jimmy Breslin (1930)

Montgomery Clift (1920)

Rita Hayworth (1918)

Arthur Miller (1915)

Jean Arthur (1905)

Charles Kraft (1880)

Wynton Marsalis (1961)

Jean-Claude Van Damme (1960)

Martina Navratilova (1956)

Pam Dawber (1951)

Mike Ditka (1939)

Lee Harvey Oswald (1939)

George C. Scott (1927)

Chuck Berry (1926)

Jesse Helms (1921)

Lotte Lenya (1900)

Evander Holyfield (1962)

Divine (1945)

John Lithgow (1945)

John Le Carre (1931)

--- THE MORONIC FINANCIER ---

"About a month ago," writes one reader, "I told my accountant I was feeling jittery about my stock portfolio. She suggested I get into the bond market, and I followed her advice... Now I’m beginning to wonder if I did the right thing. Help!"

This investor is not alone. I have received dozens of letters from men and women throughout the United States who have made the understandable but unfortunate mistake of confusing bonds with bondage. While bondage can certainly be profitable, it can also be embarrassing and even painful to the uninitiated. Bonds may be less profitable in the short-term, but they’re more reliable and don’t cause chafing.

Here are a couple of quick tips to help you avoid this common mistake:

(1) Bonds usually take the form of interest-bearing certificates. Bondage usually involves leather, PVC, and handcuffs.

(2) Bonds typically require ten or more years to mature. Bondage requires some maturity, but even greater discipline.

(3) Bonds are usually brokered by reputable financial houses. Bondage is best solicited at disreputable nightclubs, and in the adult section of your newspaper’s classifieds.

(Private to J.S. of Hotmail.com: You’re right to be concerned. What you’ve described is not a stock ticker, but a French tickler. It’s high time you took a look at your financial planner’s credentials.)

Trivia solution: (e) George Washington, in 1783.

--- HEALTHY LIVING NOTEBOOK ---

It was somberly reported yesterday that the earth’s population had exceeded six billion for the first time in history. Grave looking people shook their heads in dismal disapproval.

Frankly, the Healthy Living Notebook is baffled. First of all, it’s an inaccurate statistic. It is not the world’s population, but its human population that has just crossed the six billion mark. That we now have a few more billion human beings and a few less billion poisonous snakes ought to be cause for triumphal celebration.

Secondly, the logic of their disappointment doesn’t work. They’re disturbed because they don’t feel the world can support six billion people, and they don’t feel the world can support six billion people because those of us already here have made a pretty nasty mess of things. But the fact that we’ve made such an unholy muddle of things only proves that we’re morons. What we need is lots of superbright people with boundless energy and a deep-seated desire to make this a better place for all of us.

And how to we do that? I’ll tell you: we keep producing as many people as possible in an effort to broaden the likelihood of our eventually creating someone clever enough to help us clean things up and make the world nice and comfy for every last billion of us.

Because I don’t know about you, but I sure as hell can’t.

--- ASTROLOGICAL FORECAST ---

(See the online version of the almanac for custom weekly forecasts every Wednesday night. This week’s guest astrologists: Oscar Wilde and Mike Ditka.)

This week’s Astrological Forecast has been postponed due to cloud cover.

--- THIS WEEK’S FARMING TIP ---

This is still not the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is, and always has been, and always will be, the Moron’s Almanac. Please try not to get us mixed up again: it confuses us and embarrasses the farmers. Thanks.

© 1999, JustMorons.com

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