THE MORON’S ALMANAC © 1999, JustMorons.com

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Almost as reliable as the Farmer’s Almanac®, but without all that crap about farming.

*** Volume 4, Number 3 ***

*** Wednesday, November 10 through Tuesday, November 16 ***

--- MORONIC TRIVIA ---

(Answer below)

William Claxton published the first dated book ever printed in England on November 18, 1477. The book was a collection of:

a. Classical poetry

b. Bawdy tales

c. True confessions

d. Dirty jokes

e. Christian proverbs

f. Philosophers’ sayings

--- GOODBYE HELLO ---

November 21 is World Hello Day, and the World Hello Day organization would like everyone to say hello to ten people. This noble effort is intended to promote world peace, but I fear for the worst and feel compelled to take an editorial stand against this tinderbox of a holiday.

I do not object so much to the idea behind the holiday as to the ambiguity of its expression. Greeting strangers is a risky business at best. Many strangers, as the saying goes, are just friends you haven’t met. True enough. But let’s not forget that many strangers are sociopaths you haven’t met--and some of them are heavily armed.

Be that as it may, I hate to oppose such a noble idea, especially while running for public office. I therefore recommend that we contrive to adopt this novel holiday’s congenial spirit while making certain practical allowances in its execution: rather than World Hello Day, the Moron’s Almanac enthusiastically endorses World Non-Threatening Nod of Vague Acknowledgment Day.

Now get out there this Sunday and nod!

---THIS WEEK’S VITAL MORONIC INFO---

Memorial Day, Germany

Constitution Day, Macedonia

Flag Day, Morocco

Armed Forces Day, Zaire

Great American Smokeout, U.S.

Army Day, Haiti

Republic Day, Latvia

Independence Day, Morocco

Sultan's Birthday, Oman

Flag Day, Solomon Islands

Garifuna Day, Belize

Flag Day, Brazil

Coup d'Etat Day, Mali

Prince Ranier's Birthday, Monaco

Discovery Day, Puerto Rico

Revolution Day, Mexico

World Hello Day

Flag Day, Zaire

Independence Day, Lebanon

Full Beaver Moon

Labor Thanksgiving Day, Japan

Flag Day, Niger

--- THIS WEEK IN HISTORY ---

On November 17, 1558, Elizabeth I of England ascended to the throne. She is best known for her imperfect application of the cosmetic sciences, a flaw which is strikingly evident in all her portraits, but which courtiers were apparently reluctant to address.

On November 17, 1903, Vladimir Ilyich Lenin’s unwillingness to compromise split the Russian Social Democratic Labor Party into two factions: the slim majority who sided with him, and the minority who opposed him.

The Russian terms for majority and minority are bolshevik and menshevik, respectively, and so these factions took their names. Later the Mensheviks became the majority party, meaning that the Mensheviks had become bolsheviks and the Bolsheviks mensheviks.

This was confusing. If you asked someone what they were and they said "bolshevik," you’d have no way of knowing whether they meant Bolshevik (menshevik) or bolshevik (Menshevik). This state of affairs quickly became intolerable. All sorts of remedies were suggested--placards, pendants, caps, tattoos--but it was impossible to arrive at a consensus until finally Lenin had all the Mensheviks killed.

On November 19, 1863, U.S. President Abraham Lincoln delivered the Gettysburg Address. The speech is celebrated because it was successfully written on the back of an envelope, despite stringent postal requirements that every address be printed clearly on the front of the envelope.

On November 20, 1974, the U.S. government filed an antitrust lawsuit against AT&T. Exactly four years later, "Reverend" Jim Jones led his followers in a mass suicide in Jonestown, Guyana.

On November 22, 1963, a covert CIA operation privately funded by a plutocratic cabal of multinational industrial interests acting in conjunction with extraterrestrial forces and the Knights Templar succeeded in making it appear that Lee Harvey Oswald had assassinated President John F. Kennedy.

On November 21, 1921, President Warren G. Harding signed the Wills Campbell Act, which prohibited medical prescription of beer and liquor. He was assassinated two years later.

--- THE MORONIC OBSERVER ---

As mentioned elsewhere in this almanac, this week marks the birthday of George Gallup, the father of American polling. Recent polls suggest that Americans no longer trust political polls, and are more interested in substantive discussions of the issues. As a result of this welcome revelation of the American character, I have chosen to run against public opinion.

Indeed, there is no more pernicious enemy of all that is good and great about this mighty nation than public opinion. My own issues coordinator assures me that over seventy-eight percent of all Americans believe that our elected officials and news media have become too reliant upon opinion polls.

I therefore promise, if elected, to be more than a mere weathervane of public opinion. I promise to do away entirely with all polling, surveys, and focus groups, and to contradict public opinion at every opportunity.

I invite all subscribers to let me know whether or not they support this position by taking the poll in the online version of the Almanac.

--- BIRTHDAYS THIS WEEK ---

RuPaul (1960)

Danny DeVito (1944)

Lorne Michaels (1944)

Tom Seaver (1944)

Lauren Hutton (1943)

Martin Scorsese (1942)

Rock Hudson (1925)

Lee Strasberg (1901)

Louis XVIII (1755)

Linda Evans (1942)

Brenda Vaccaro (1939)

Alan Shepard, Jr. (1923)

Imogene Coca (1908)

George Gallup (1901)

Eugene Ormandy (1899)

McCaughey septuplets (1997)

Kerri Strug (1977)

Jodie Foster (1962)

Meg Ryan (1961)

Calvin Klein (1942)

Ted Turner (1938)

Dick Cavett (1936)

Larry King (1933)

Indira Gandhi (1917)

Tommy Dorsey (1905)

James Garfield (1831)

Charles I, England (1600)

Bo Derek (1956)

Veronica Hamel (1943)

Dick Smothers (1939)

Richard Dawson (1932)

Estelle Parsons (1927)

Roy Campanella (1921)

Robert F. Kennedy (1925)

Alistair Cooke (1908)

Edwin Hubble (1889)

Ken Griffey, Jr. (1969)

Troy Aikman (1966)

Goldie Hawn (1945)

Harold Ramis (1944)

Juliet Mills (1941)

Marlo Thomas (1938)

Stan Musial (1920)

Rene Magritte (1898)

William Beaumont (1785)

Jean Francois Voltaire (1694)

Mariel Hemingway (1961)

Jamie Lee Curtis (1958)

Billie Jean King (1943)

Robert Vaughn (1932)

Rodney Dangerfield (1921)

Benjamin Britten (1913)

Hoagy Carmichael (1899)

Charles de Gaulle (1890)

George Eliot (1819)

Shel Silverstein (1932)

Harpo Marx (1888)

Boris Karloff (1887)

Billy the Kid (1859)

Franklin Pierce (1804)

--- HEALTHY LIVING NOTEBOOK ---

Many American football fans have been asking me what might be done to reduce the number of injuries occuring in the NFL in this injury-plagued season. Should the athletes participate in more off-season conditioning? Should artificial turf be replaced with natural grass? Should braces become standard equipment?

Alas, the Healthy Living Notebook doesn’t care.

As Vince Lombardi once observed, football is not a contact sport: it’s a collision sport. And every year, millions of Americans are killed or injured in collisions, both on and off the field.

However, the statistical probability of being pummeled by a three hundred-pound defensive tackle is significantly reduced if one does not play professional football. Studies confirm, for example, that fewer than one in ten-thousand Americans who don’t play professional football are seriously injured by blitzing linebackers, and turf toe is at an all-time low among American office workers.

Minimum wage in the NFL was $131,000 in 1998, not including the excellent benefit plan. I’m not sure what the minimum wage is in our armed forces, but I’m guessing it’s comparable. If the fine young men and women in our military are willing to risk their lives for a lousy $131,000 a year, certainly our professional athletes ought to be willing to risk a sprained ankle, a torn ACL, or a couple of little concussions.

--- THE MORONIC FINANCIER ---

The Moronic Financier couldn’t help but notice financial data in this week’s week’s Healthy Living Notebook, and is feverishly trying to contact someone in the Browns organization.

--- ASTROLOGICAL FORECAST ---

(See the online version of the almanac for custom weekly forecasts every Wednesday or Thursday night. This week’s guest astrologist: Voltaire.)

November 23 is a Full Beaver Moon. This is an extremely volatile astrological period, as most astrologists are unable to discuss it without snickering. Ignore any astrological advice you receive.

Trivia solution: The book was called "The Dictes and Sayings of the Philosophers," so give yourself ten points if you answered (b), (d), or (f). Give yourself five points if you knew it was a translation from the French. Give yourself ten points if you knew the author was Earl Rivers. Subtract twenty-five points if you kept track of your score.

--- THIS WEEK’S FARMING TAP ---

The Farming Tap of the week is Karl’s Tavern of Salt Lick, Indiana. Be sure to sample their home-brewed Heifer Lager and Amber Waves Ale, and don’t miss their Dollar-a-Pint Monday Nights during football season. Farming tips can be found in the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is not the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is the Moron’s Almanac. Please try not to get us mixed up again: it confuses us and embarrasses the farmers. Thanks.

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