THE MORON’S ALMANAC™

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Almost as reliable as the Farmer’s Almanac®, but without all that crap about farming.

*** Volume 4, Number 6 ***

*** Wednesday, December 8 through Tuesday, December 14 ***

--- MORONIC TRIVIA ---

(Answer below)

On December 9, 1908, the German Reichstag passed a bill prohibiting children under the age of 13 from what?

a. Forming political parties

b. Prostitution

c. Voting

d. Drinking

e. Smoking

f. All of the above

g. None of the above

--- THE VISION THING ---

Take two men. One of them is a serious scientist who saves whole towns from a terrible plague that is afflicting the world. He does this by means of sound medical principles that are centuries ahead of his time.

The other is a madman who tries to predict the future in nonsense rhymes.

Which man will enjoy the patronage of royalty and the adulation of posterity, and which will be swallowed whole by oblivion?

Sorry, trick question: they’re the same guy. Michel de Nostradame (Nostradamus) was born on December 14, 1503, at St. Remy in Provence, France. He was tutored by both of his grandfathers, and was formally schooled at Avignon in all of the major arts and sciences of the age. He mastered both of them.

After the loss of his wife and children to the Black Plague in 1537 (a bitter irony given the number of lives he had saved from plague by removing corpses from populated areas, directing people to drink water only from uncontaminated streams and springs, and encouraging regular consumption of Vitamin C, despite the fact that none of these were yet accepted medical practices), he wandered Europe in misery for six years, at which point he lost his mind and was promoted to Prophet.

The prophecies of Nostradamus have been continuously in print since their first publication in 1555, and have provided great entertainment to serious scholars and silly bastards alike. But it strikes me that his prophecies are nothing special. Consider the following examples of the paranormal, compiled from stories told to me at bars while I was still nearly sober enough to write them down:

Insurance adjuster Marty Johnson of Sandusky, Ohio, dreamed one night that he was lost in a forest, being pursued by an angry mob of men’s fragrance distributors. Upon waking, he dismissed the dream as inconsequential. Later that very same day he caught his nose in the office fax machine.

Graduate student Melanie Hunter was at Logan Airport waiting to board Flight 131 to Paris, when a disembodied voice told her not to board the plane. She cancelled her ticket at once. She later learned that although Flight 131 had arrived safely at Charles DeGaulle airport, several passengers had complained about the fish.

Brooklyn Heights pastry chef Louis Futon was alone in his bakery late one night, when a pale stranger with a sorrowful face came in off the street and asked for a glass of water. Futon denied him, escorted him out of the shop, and locked the door. Just four days later, Futon’s cable service was interrupted.

---THIS WEEK’S VITAL MORONIC INFO---

Immaculate Conception (Christian)

Independence and Republic Day, Tanzania

Constitution Day, Uzbekistan

Constitution Day, N. Mariana Islands

Foundation of the MPLA Worker's Party Day, Angola

International Human Rights Day, Cambodia, Equatorial Guinea, Namibia and the Turks & Caicos Islands

Constitution Day, Thailand

National Holiday, Burkina Faso

Independence Day, Kenya

Virgin of Guadalupe, Mexico

Constitution Day, Russia

Neutrality Day, Turkmenistan

Guru Tag Bahadur's Martyrdom (Hindu)

Republic Day, Malta

Constitution Day (Observed), Russia

National Day, St. Lucia

--- THIS WEEK IN HISTORY ---

Kristina Wasa was born to King Gustav II Adolf of Sweden and Maria Eleonora of Brandenburg on December 8, 1626. The king was killed in battle in 1632, and Kristina was crowned while only six years old. She succeeded to the throne upon her majority in 1644, and quickly overcame the political intrigues of the man who had been her regent. Queen Kristina learned to speak and write six languages, created the first Swedish newspaper, corresponded and studied with French philosopher Rene Descartes (prior to inadvertently killing him), was instrumental in ending the Thirty Years’ War, studied and taught at various academies throughout Europe--even founding her own academy for literature and philosophy--debated theology with the Pope, published letters promoting tolerance of Jews and Huguenots, helped instigate the opening of the first public opera house in Rome, and saved thousands of puppies and kittens from burning buildings. She was also trained and expert in all the military arts and sciences. After abdicating the Swedish crown in 1654, she reportedly dressed as a man and rode a white charger on a lengthy tour of Europe. Later she sought to establish herself as a monarch first in Naples, and then in Poland. Unfortunately, however, she never slept with a horse, and is therefore uninteresting.

On December 8, 1980, John Lennon was shot to death outside his home in Manhattan. He was killed by a young man operating on orders from J.D. Salinger’s The Catcher in the Rye, a revolutionary book best known for its many passages inciting young men to kill people.

On December 10, 1936, King Edward VIII of England abdicated the throne of England to marry Wallis Warfield Spencer Simpson. On December 11, 1951, Joe DiMaggio announced his retirement from baseball, and three years later married Marilyn Monroe. This proves the superiority of the American retirement system.

--- BIRTHDAYS THIS WEEK ---

Sinead O'Connor (1966)

Teri Hatcher (1964)

Kim Basinger (1953)

Gregg Allman (1947)

Jim Morrison (1943)

David Carradine (1936)

Flip Wilson (1933)

Maximillian Schell (1930)

Sammy Davis, Jr. (1925)

Lee J. Cobb (1911)

James Thurber (1894)

Diego Rivera (1886)

Queen Christina (1626)

Horace (65 BC)

Donny Osmond (1957)

Dick Butkus (1942)

Beau Bridges (1941)

Buck Henry (1930)

Dick Van Patten (1928)

Dina Merrill (1925)

Redd Foxx (1922)

Kirk Douglas (1916)

Douglas Fairbanks, Jr. (1909)

Margaret Hamilton (1902)

John Milton (1608)

Kenneth Branagh (1960)

Susan Dey (1952)

Chet Huntley (1911)

Emily Dickinson (1830)

Rider Strong (1979)

Jermaine Jackson (1954)

Teri Garr (1949)

Brenda Lee (1944)

Donna Mills (1942)

Rita Moreno (1931)

Willia "Big Mama" Thorton (1926)

Alexander Solzhenitsyn (1918)

Fiorello La Guardia (1882)

Hector Berlioz (1803)

Sheila E. (1957)

Cathy Rigby (1952)

Dionne Warwick (1941)

Connie Francis (1938)

Bob Barker (1923)

Frank Sinatra (1914)

Edward G. Robinson (1893)

Gustave Flaubert (1821)

Christie Clark (1973)

Ted Nugent (1948)

John Davidson (1941)

Christopher Plummer (1927)

Dick Van Dyke (1925)

Archie Moore (1913)

Mary Todd Lincoln (1818)

Heinrich Heine (1797)

Patty Duke (1946)

Lee Remick (1935)

Charlie Rich (1932)

Shirley Jackson (1919)

Morey Amsterdam (1914)

Spike Jones (1911)

Nostradamus (1503)

--- THE MORONIC OBSERVER ---

Several correspondents have expressed their concern that although the Moron Party has a viable platform (it has no platform), its chances for success in the general election of 2000 will be circumscribed by its "Fringe Party" status. In other words, who’s going to vote for a party that can’t win?

I’ll tell you: because the biggest voting bloc in the United States today is the non-voting bloc. By harnessing the untapped power of this vast national resource, I believe the Moron Party can and should win the general election.

Roughly 197 million Americans were eligible to vote in 1996, 146m of them registered. Mr. Clinton received 47.4m votes, Mr. Dole received 39.1m, and Mr. Perot rounded out the top three with a little over 8m. That’s a total of just over 94.5m votes cast; other parties picked up another two million votes between them. This means that about 49m eligible registered voters voted for absolutely no one. That’s one-and-a-half million votes more than Clinton got, and No One never even had to appear on MTV or Arsenio.

The Moron Party has found its strategy and constituency, and I have found my campaign slogan:

I’m This Moron, and I’m better than no one.

--- ASTROLOGICAL FORECAST ---

(See the online version of the almanac for custom weekly forecasts every Wednesday or Thursday night. This week’s guest astrologists: James Thurber or Frank Sinatra.)

Take some time to reflect. What is the self? What is the will? Is there any difference between yourself and your desires? If so, do they require different wardrobes?

Trivia solution: The bill prohibited child labor, so give yourself half a point for answering (b), and deduct fifty points for any other answer. Many historians, some of them sober, believe the Reichstag encouraged delinquency by prohibiting the youth of Hitler’s generation from employment without limiting their access to liquor, tobacco, and Nietzsche.

--- THIS WEEK’S FARMING TIP ---

This is a test of the Moron’s Almanac farming tip network. It is only a test. Had this been an actual farming tip, you would have been provided with valuable farming advice. You are not being provided with valuable farming advice. Actual farming tips can be found in the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is not the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is the Moron’s Almanac™. Please try not to get us mixed up again: it confuses us and embarrasses the farmers. Thanks.

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