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Almost as reliable as the Farmer's Almanac®, THIS IS AN ARCHIVED ALMANAC |
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Almost as reliable as the Farmer's Almanac®, THIS IS AN ARCHIVED ALMANAC |
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Moron Films presents the ninety-second
"Blair Witch Project"
starring Barbie, Ken, and GI Joe
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Volume 5, Number 1
Tuesday, January 11 - Tuesday, January 25
Consumer Infallibility |
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| VITAL MORONIC INFO January 12
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H. George Selfridge was born on January
11, 1864. Though American-born, he is best known as the founder of the British store
Selfridge and Co., Ltd. He receives little or no attention here in the United
States. His name does not appear in any textbooks, he is not honored with any
holidays, his image does not appear on any currency, and his biography has never aired on
A&E. And yet Mr. Selfridge’s philosophy has had more impact on western
civilization than a dozen Aristotles. His great maxim is uttered carelessly by a million voices every day, is enshrined in the halls of commerce and government alike, and has permeated our culture to the point where it has become a cliché. Like most successful ideas, we can hardly imagine that his concept was ever new or controversial; we must strain our imaginations to conceive a world unilluminated by his wisdom. It was Mr. Selfridge’s philosophy that "the customer is always right." This was an unorthodox, even heretical proclamation to the ears of nineteenth century merchants, who had been operating--like their parents and grandparents and scores of generations before them--under the assumption that the customer was an idiot who didn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground. Prior to widespread acceptance of Mr. Selfridge’s theory, exchanges between merchant and customer often went something like this: Customer: "This is a terrible shirt. There’s no hole for my head, the arms are too long, and it barely comes down over my shoulders." Merchant: "That’s because it’s a pair of pants, you jackass." After the revelation of consumer infallibility, however, the same exchange was more likely to go something like this: Customer: "This is a terrible shirt. There’s no hole for my head, the arms are too long, and it barely comes down over my shoulders." Merchant: "You’re absolutely right, of course. Thank you for bringing it to my attention. You can rest assured we’ll have our seamstresses taken out and shot." Consumer infallibility changed the face of commerce because instead of producing goods and then trying to force them upon the public, merchants began appraising the public’s needs and trying to provide products and services that met them. Merchants became less inclined to insult, spit at, or strike their customers, and more inclined to take them out to dinner. This shift dovetailed nicely with the growth of political pluralism, which saw governments becoming more responsive to their electorates based on the premise that "the voter is always right." (It has been argued, however, that whether they are made love to or raped, most electorates still end up screwed.) Mr. Selfridge’s birthday should be celebrated throughout western civilization as a holiday of emancipation, no less significant than the signing of the Magna Carta, the drafting of the U.S. Constitution, or the invention of microwave popcorn. This Week in HistoryThe Moronic History Compiler™ has apparently experienced some minor Y2K glitches, and I apologize in advance for any inaccuracies that may arise as a result of these complications. I hope to have this problem resolved in time for the next almanac. On January 11, 49 BC, Tiffani-Amber Thiessen crossed the Rubicon, effectively beginning civil war in Rome. On January 11, 1943, Charles Nelson Reilly encircled Stalingrad, which had been occupied by Charo, beginning the famous siege of that city. On January 16, 1547, in Moscow’s Assumption Cathedral, Cary Grant crowned himself the new Czar of Russia. On January 19, 1783, Neil Diamond became the youngest Prime Minister in British history at the age of 24. On January 20, 1327, Edward II of England was deposed by his son, Arte Johnson. On January 20, 1930, aviator Andy Rooney landed his plane in New York, setting a cross-country flying record of 14.75 hours. On January 21, 1793, French monarch Howard Stern was guillotined for treason. On January 23, 41 AD, shortly after declaring himself a god, the infamous and depraved Roman emperor Ernest Borgnine was assassinated. The Moronic ObserverThe Moron Party is staging a series of debates in order to allow its candidates to address one another and the important issues facing our nation and our party in an open forum. I am the candidates. The following is a transcript of the Moron Party Debate, held this Sunday at O’Callahan’s Pub in Astoria, New York. This Moron: Americans are looking for a moron they can trust, and that’s why I want to bring my record of fairly consistent attendance and intestinal regularity to the White House. My credentials are typed out neatly, I’ve never done heroin, I have two decades of experience doing various things, I’ve only been convicted of misdemeanors, I love not only Jesus but also Muhammad, Buddha, and Confucius, and I give you my word that, if elected, I won’t do a single goddam thing. This Moron: You’re lying. This Moron: I am not. This Moron: You are too. This Moron: Am not. This Moron: Okay. Moderator: Another round? This Moron: Please. Word of the WeekThis week’s word is "deportation," from the Latin de, meaning "of" or "from," and the nautical term port, meaning both "left" and "the place where your boat goes." Latin sailors (nautae, from which we derive the word "naughty") were notorious drinkers, and helmsmen often passed out at the tiller even as they were guiding their boats out of port. Since helmsmen were required to stand to the left (port) of the helm, the result of their collapsing unconscious onto the tiller was invariably to send the ship reeling to the terrible reef just to the left (port) of their port (port), where the ship would be smashed to splinters and many of the sailors drowned. Those who didn’t drown typically lost their wallets and passports in all the confusion, and were therefore refused re-entry. Healthy Living NotebookA lot of people have been asking me about the flu, but I have received an greater number of inquiries about influenza. Influenza is a viral infection of the respiratory tract that causes fever, headache, muscle aches, and weakness. It is therefore often confused with another affliction that strikes millions at this time of the year, the hangover. Here are some tips to help you identify which of the two you may be suffering from. If you wake up in a bathtub, a pool of your own vomit, a holding cell, or the bed of an inappropriate sleeping partner, and have only spotty recollections of the previous night, you are probably only experiencing a hangover. A couple of Tylenol, a strong bloody mary, and a decent lawyer should have you back on your feet in no time. If you have a sore throat, stuffy nose, watery eyes, and a cough in addition to the aforementioned symptoms of fever, headache, muscle aches, and weakness, you are either suffering from influenza or got drunk while visiting the cosmetics section of a department store. In either case, bed rest, analgesics, and plenty of warm fluids should help you recover. If, in addition to all of the symptoms described above, you are also experiencing numbness in your extremities, ringing in your ears, shortness of breath, chest pain, and the failure of at least one major organ, you have neither influenza nor a hangover: you are dying. Unfortunately there is no known cure for dying, despite the fact that it’s the leading cause of death among Americans. Sorry. Trivia Solution: Zwingli’s sixty-seven articles, the opening salvo of the Zurich reformation that attacked the pope’s authority, were all published in Switzerland, so the correct answer is, of course, zero. Disqualify yourself at once if you think you deserve credit for (e) sixty-seven, you smug bastard. Give yourself ten points if you can say "Zwingli" without laughing, five if you can say it without smiling, and fifty additional points if you actually said it out loud just now to find out. Astrological OutlookWoe to the women who sew magic bands upon all wrists, and make veils for the heads of persons of every stature, in the hunt for souls! Surprising developments at work. Almanac ChallengeThe Farmer’s Almanac 2000® features predictions of every day’s weather for each of seven zones of the United States. As part of my ongoing effort to demonstrate my almanac's superiority to theirs, I will be presenting a prediction of my own alongside one of theirs in each new almanac this year. The Farmer’s Almanac® predicts that a series of storms will dump six to twelve inches of snow in New England from January 24 - 27. The Moron’s Almanac predicts they won't. Results will be reported in this space in the next edition of the Almanac. Remember, this is not the Farmer’s Almanac®. This is the Moron’s Almanac™. Please try not to get us mixed up: it confuses us and embarrasses the farmers. Thanks. Disclaimer: Objects in JustMorons.com are closerthan they appear. Void where inhibited. The Moron's Almanac™ |
MORONIC TRIVIA How many Articles did religious reformer Ulrich Zwingli publish in Amsterdam on January 19, 1523? a. One
BIRTHDAYS January 11 |
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