Almanac readers hardly need to be reminded that January 25 is Burns Night in Scotland, and that each year on this night millions of Scottish families gather around their tables to honor the memory of national poet Robert Burns--over a ritualized meal of Haggis.

In last year’s almanac I mentioned the terrible plight of the Haggis, that delicate and sweet-tempered creature whose inoffensive little life too often ends by being skinned alive at the hands of a merry Scot.

In today’s frigid atmosphere of political correctness, it is considered unfair and even bigoted to blame the Scots for their grotesque maltreatment of these gentle, friendly animals.  It is after all a longstanding part of their "Burns Night" celebration each January 25.  To criticize their treatment of the Haggis is to criticize their culture, and all cultural criticism is of course biased, bigoted, and benighted.

Try explaining that to a Haggis.   Try looking into its soft, brown, trusting eyes, and explaining that it must be skinned alive and boiled to within an inch of its life, then dismembered alive, for the sake of Scottish culture.

Scottish culture!  Bagpipes, whiskey, and men in skirts--if ever a culture didn’t cry out for preservation, surely it’s that of the Scots.

While I hate to criticize one of the western world’s only national holidays to honor a poet, and while I certainly don’t want to antagonize any of my many UK subscribers, I cannot stand idly by while millions of defenseless and affectionate little creatures are brutally slaughtered in an annual bloodletting that has no rival in the civilized world.  (Skeptics, cynics, and wise-asses are reminded that turkeys are not cute or furry, and that anyway they aren't skinned alive.)

Last year I discussed the history of the peace-loving, vegetarian Haggis, in hopes that perhaps I could raise awareness of the Scots’ perennial barbarity and thereby bring pressure upon them to change their ways.  I have failed.

According to People against the Indefensible Treatment of Haggis (PITH), more than eight million huggable Haggis were "ranched" for this year’s festivities.   Over six million of these ranch-bred Haggis, beside whom the veal calf might well be considered pampered, were sold to Scots who took them home, skinned them alive, boiled them long enough to loosen their joints (but not enough to kill them), then plucked the wretched, half-dead, kind-hearted creatures apart bone by bone.  The nearly two million not sold are simply tossed into vast blenders, mixed with fresh cream, frozen, and later sold as the popular Scottish summer treat, "Haggis Ice."

This holocaust must end.  To help bring it home to Americans, I ask my American readers to take a moment to reflect on our own Groundhog’s Day.  Each February 2, we honor the prognosticative skills of that curious little creature in a vast national celebration.  How many groundhogs must die for this celebration?  None.  How many groundhog mothers are separated from their groundhog children in order to satisfy our national groundhog needs?  None.  How many grandfathers stand at the heads of their dinner tables, proudly presiding over the dismemberment of a skinned and half-dead groundhog?

The Scots could learn a thing or two about ethical animal treatment from us.  We could also teach them a thing or two about trousers, probably.

Please, take a little time this week to raise awareness of the plight of the Haggis.   You can start by forwarding this email to all your friends and family, and urging them to email their outrage directly to:

presiding.officer@scottish.parliament.uk

Let’s make the Twenty-First Century the "Century of the Haggis!" Show you care! Write today!

This Week in History

On January 26, 1754, Ben Franklin wrote to his daughter complaining about the selection of the eagle, rather than the turkey, as the national bird.  Two-hundred and thirty years later, Michael Jackson’s hair caught on fire while filming a Pepsi commercial.   Coincidence?

Renowned physicist Werner Heisenberg reportedly died on February 1, 1976, but accounts of his death are shrouded in uncertainty.

On February 2, 1653, the city of New Amsterdam was founded with a population of 800.   It was later renamed New York. In 1996, New York had a population of well over 7.3 million.  This represents an increase of 922,513%.  At this rate, by the year 2319 New York will have a population of over 68 billion.  Something should be done about this.

February 2 is Groundhog’s Day in the United States.

February 6 is the halfway point between the winter solstice and the spring equinox, an astronomical expression construed to trivialize and demean the prognosticative acumen of the Groundhog.  Don’t buy into it: spring won’t come any quicker, and you’ll piss off the groundhogs.

And also... on February 7, 1964, the Beatles arrived in the United States for the first time.  On February 8, 1587, after being imprisoned for ten years, Mary Queen of Scots was beheaded for having plotted to overthrow Queen Elizabeth.  On February 8, 1861, the southern states which had seceded from the United States agreed to reunite in The Confederate States of America.

Almanac Challenge

The Farmer’s Almanac® predicted that a series of storms would dump six to twelve inches of snow in New England from January 24 - 27.  The Moron’s Almanac™ predicted they wouldn’t.  As of late this evening, January 25, it’s too early to tell, but the edge has to go to those wily agricultural prognosticators.  I bet they're feeling pretty goddam superior.

The Farmer’s Almanac® predicts a powerful storm will move through the nation’s northwest and northern plains February 4-7, with significant precipitation.   Maybe.  But the Moron’s Almanac™ predicts that during the same time period it will rain jellybeans in St. Louis.  Results will be reported in this space in the next edition of the Almanac.

Remember, this is not the Farmer’s Almanac®.  This is the Moron’s Almanac™.  Please try not to get us mixed up: it confuses us and embarrasses the farmers.  Thanks.

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What did Gee Jon become the first person to do in Nevada on February 8, 1924?

a. Die in a brothel

b. Die in a casino

c. Die in a speakeasy

d. Die in an electric chair