We know very little of Jesus’ activities while he was in the wilderness.  In fact, compounding all the evidence from the Gospels of Matthew, Mark, and Luke, the full extent of our knowledge is that Jesus didn’t eat for forty days.  That’s nearly six weeks.  They tell us he went nearly six weeks without eating, then feel compelled to inform us that "he was hungry."

(Sometimes biblical scholarship can be pretty straightforward stuff.)

Unfortunately for Jesus, Carnival had not yet been invented.  Carnival is a tradition that evolved out of Lent during the middle ages, when people decided that if they were really going to be abstinent for forty days (the period from Ash Wednesday to Good Friday), then at least they were going to get roaring drunk beforehand.  As a result, the French began calling Shrove Tuesday "Fat Tuesday."  Or, in English, "Mardi Gras."

Under French rule for most of the 1700s, New Orleans did an especially good job of eating and drinking to excess on Mardi Gras.  Management of their territory transferred from the French first to Spain and then to the United States, who both tried to suppress the festivities.  This ensured that the fabulous celebrations would become a tradition.  Mardi Gras became synonymous with balls and parades.

Wealthy citizens had the biggest balls.  The waterfront balls were always full of seamen.  Radicals were known for their infamous red balls, while nature lovers had unappealing green balls.  Barbers had hairy balls, and New Orleans prisons had macabre hanging balls.  Women were discouraged from having balls of their own, but there was no shortage of wealthy men willing to pay women to hold their balls.

Eventually the double-entendres got old and people got over it.  Besides, there was more to Mardi Gras than the balls.  The parades became more and more fantastic, with spectacular gaudy floats from which scantily clad women tossed strings of beads out to the adoring crowds.  Because of their religious significance, these came to be known as Venerable Beads, and are quite popular in England.

Shroving is still a popular recreation in parts of western Europe.

In 46 BC, Julius Caesar decreed that every year should have twelve months and consist of 365 days.  Previously there had only been 354 days in a year.  Caesar’s innovation was especially clever when you consider that the Romans were notoriously incompetent with calendars.  For example, septem is Latin for seven, octo for eight, novem for nine, and decem for ten, and yet September, October, November, and December are the ninth through twelfth months of the year.   Furthermore, they didn’t learn to stop counting years backwards until the year zero.

Caesar realized that, astronomically speaking, years were actually 365.2422 days long.   He attempted to keep years and seasons in synch by shoving an extra day into February every fourth year.  This made the average calendar year just 11 minutes and 14 seconds longer than the seasonal year.  This irritated astrologists, who were cranky to begin with, but no one else gave a damn. It didn’t affect vacation plans if summer came eleven minutes early, so the Julian Calendar thrived.  (The eleven days he added are known to calendar insiders as "The Caesarian Section.")

As centuries passed, however, those eleven minutes started adding up.  On February 24, 1582, Pope Gregory XIII issued a proclamation that century years not divisible by 400 would not be leap years.  This made the calendar year 265.244 days long, which still wasn’t exactly right, but was pretty damn close.  For this minor adjustment, he got everyone to stop calling it the Julian Calendar and start calling it Gregorian.   It was this shameless act of self-promotion that led to subsequent Vatican proclamations being called "Papal Bull."

(Someone else later convinced everyone to make years that were evenly divisible by 4000 non-leap years, making the calendar still more accurate. So mark your calendars: 4000 will not be a leap year.)

This Week in History

On March 7, 1918 the Bolsheviks officially changed their name to the Russian Communist Party.

On February 23, 1919, Benito Mussolini founded the Fasci del Comattimento ("Evil Fascist Bastards") party in Italy.

And on February 24, 1920, the spokesman of a radical political group in Germany announced that it would change its name to the National Socialist German Workers' Party. Rejected names had included "The Crazy Genocidal Maniacs' Party," "The Party of Very Evil Bastards Planning to Conquer the World, Bwah Ha Ha Ha Ha," and "The Party of Happy Sunshiney People Who'll Make Life a Happy Little Picnic for Everyone."

This name change eventually led to Evil Nazi Bastards, who later teamed up with the Evil Fascist Bastards of Italy and became a Significant Problem.

(The party spokesman who had announced the change was of course Adolf Hitler, who did not change his own name and is therefore known to history as Adolf Hitler.)

On February 26, 1936, the Japanese Army conquered Japan. This not only exacerbated the Significant Problem, it also disrupted the Japanese automotive industry.  Adolf Hitler took advantage of this opportunity to preside over the official opening of the first Volkswagen factory.  (The good people at Volkswagen seem to have inexplicably overlooked this anniversary.)

On February 27, 1939, General Francisco Franco's rebellion finally won out in Spain.

On March 5, 1953, Head Soviet Bastard Josef Stalin finally died.  (For more on this misunderstood leader, see "Little Joe.")

Fuching Around

Dr. Klaus Fuchs was convicted of giving British and American atomic secrets to the Soviets on March 1, 1950.  On March 2, 1958, Dr. Vivian Fuchs completed the first land crossing of Antarctica.

Constitution Corner

Welcome to the newest regular feature of the Moron’s Almanac, "Constitution Corner."  I hope you enjoy this week’s installment, because I have already been forced to suspend this feature from future almanacs.

On February 25, 1913, the Sixteenth Amendment to the US Constitution was ratified, providing for an income tax.  As late as 1939, only 5% of the population had to file federal income tax returns. In 1943, President Roosevelt introduced the concept of income tax withholding to help fund World War II.   The rest is history.  "I believe that a better way to raise revenue not only can be found but must be found," said Mr. T. Coleman Andrews, "because I am convinced that the present system is leading us right back to the very tyranny from which those who established this land of freedoom risked their lives, their fortunes, and their sacred honor to forever free themselves."  Mr. Andrews was Commissioner of the IRS for about three years in the 1950s, and made this speech after his resignation but prior to his mastery of prepositions.

On February 27, 1951, the 22^nd Amendment was ratified, limiting the presidential terms of office.

Liechtenstein Notebook

On February 28, 1971, the Liechtenstein electorate defeated a referendum that would have given women the vote.

Almanac Fun Fact

About a hundred years ago, a lot of disgruntled, out-of-work boxers from China's interior decided they didn't believe any of the hype about Western Civilization, and that the best westerners were dead westerners.

Westerners occupying China disagreed.

The boxers found that their most persuasive argument could be found in their "righteous and harmonious fists."  They believed their boxing skills made them impervious to bullets.  Unfortunately, this hypothesis was scientifically discredited quite quickly.

The so-called Boxer Rebellion was put down for good on February 26, 1901, when chief boxers Chi-hsui and Hsu Cheng-yu were publicly beheaded.

Sixty-three years later, a more successful rebel boxer, Cassius Clay, knocked out Sonny Liston to become world heavyweight champion for the first time on February 25, 1964.

Trivia Solution: Mr. Gorblum had (e) carved Mount Rushmore.  Give yourself ten points for a correct answer. Give yourself five points if you answered (c) or (d), because they sounded like they could have been right.  Veterans who had been in their early teens at the end of the Civil War would only have been in their late seventies by 1941, however, so deduct fifty points if you answered (a) or (b), and take a good hard look at your ageist prejudices, you bastard.

Almanac Challenge

There was no snow at all in New England from the 20^th through the 23^rd, so the Farmers Almanac® was dead wrong.  The Moron’s Almanac™ predicted sunny skies and temperatures in the sixties from New York to Boston during the same period, and while I was not exactly right, I was certainly much less wrong.   I’ll take that as a victory, bringing my record to 1-2.  The Farmers Almanac® predicts fair skies throughout the northwest from March 4^th through the 7^th.  I predict it will rain like hell.

Results will be reported in this space in the next edition of the Almanac.

Remember, this is not the Farmer’s Almanac®.  This is the Moron’s Almanac™.  Please try not to get us mixed up: it confuses us and embarrasses the farmers.  Thanks.

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On March 6, 1941, Gutzon Borglum died. Why did anyone give a damn?

a. He’d been the oldest living Confederate veteran

b. He’d been the oldest living Union veteran

c. He’d been a really nice guy and had lived a decent life

d. He’d designed the Empire State Building

e. He’d carved Mount Rushmore