The previous almanac reported that "Lew Torkelson was a psychotic, goat-
fucking pederast." This was erroneous: his name is spelled Torkelsen.

Tsar Nicholas II (Czar Nicholas II) of the Romanov (Romanoff) line had been away from St. Petersburg (Petrograd) most of the winter, leading his army against the German Empire on the Eastern Front (which was Russia's Western Front).

Russia's peasants and workers had become exhausted by the war and its attendant famine, and were exasperated by the Tsarina’s indifference to their suffering.  They were furious with the government, which had become two governments.  And they were tired of all this nonsense about March being February, St. Petersburg being Petrograd, the Czar being Tsar, etc.

And so these poor bastards began a series of riots and strikes that eventually led to what is now known as the February Revolution.

With her usual delicate touch, the Tsarina tried to assuage the rioters by having them shot, but the soldiers refused to fire on the crowds.  She therefore ordered the soldiers to shoot themselves, and was disobeyed again.

It was a bleak moment for the House of Romanov, which like most monarchies had endured through the centuries largely as a result of its soldiers’ willingness to shoot people.

On March 11 the Russian Cabinet finally became indignant and tried to dissolve the Duma, but the Duma refused to dissolve.  The Petrograd Soviet of Workers’ and Peasants’ Deputies also refused to dissolve, even though the Cabinet had not asked them to.  (The Cabinet could not ask them to, because the Cabinet had determined that The Petrograd Soviet of Workers’ and Peasants’ Deputies did not exist.)

On March 13, the imperial guard, acting on the orders of the dissolved Duma, which had not been dissolved, took the Tsarina and her children (who had measles) into custody.   A day later, England and France acknowledged the Executive Committee of the Duma as the official government of Russia.

Meanwhile, Nicholas II had taken a train to Pskov.  He knew the revolutionaries would be unlikely to pursue him somewhere so difficult to pronounce.

That evening in St. Petersburg, the Executive Committee of the Duma met with the Petrograd Soviet and agreed that the Russian Cabinet should be dissolved, and also the Tsar.

They established a joint government, with Prince Grigori Lvov at its head, nicely countering the Czar’s difficult pronunciation ploy.  They put the Russian Cabinet in prison, next to the Russian Credenza.

At two o’clock in the morning of March 15, the Tsar sent word to Petrograd that he was awfully sorry about the war and starvation and everything, but that he had some really good ideas about what they could do now, and was looking forward to working with them, etc.

The new government told him to blow it out his ass.

And so at three o’clock in the afternoon, Nicholas abdicated in favor of his son, who had measles.

The new government told him and his son to blow it out their asses.

At 11:15 pm, Nicholas signed a proclamation that both he and his son, who had measles, would abdicate in favor of his brother, the Grand Duke Mikhail.

The next day, the new government told Nicholas, his son (who had measles), and the Grand Duke to blow it out their asses.

On March 21, Nicholas II and his family were arrested. It was a confused and confusing period, and the situation would only continue to deteriorate until the October Revolution (in November).

These Weeks in History

Standard time was established in the United States on March 13, 1884.  Previously, Americans had set their clocks however they damn well pleased.  The nation became outraged at the soul-deadening conformity imposed by this new standard, and--look!  A squirrel!

Julius Caesar was assassinated on Ides of March (March 15), 44 BC, by a group of conspirators led by Brutus and Cassius.   They were angry at him for crossing the Rubicon. Later Marc Antony borrowed everyone’s ears and told them Brutus was an honorable man, which caused the Civil War.

The Feast Day of St. Patrick is celebrated on March 17.  St. Patrick is considered the father of Celtic Christianity.  He founded more than three hundred churches, drove the snakes out of Ireland, invented green beer, and coined the popular slogan, "Kiss me, I’m Irish."

On March 17, 1939, after German troops crossed the Czech border, British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain threw all his years of careful diplomacy out the window and accused Adolf Hitler of breaking his word.  He instantly regretted having let these angry words slip, however, and subsequently resigned.

On March 20, 1815, Napoleon Bonaparte entered Paris and began his "Hundred Days" rule, which lasted 94 days.

The Vernal Equinox occurs at 2:35 am on March 20. That means it’s spring. Take off your clothes.

The Moron's Playground

Hey kids! See if you can match the Russian emperor with the way they left office!

The Moron Index

We don’t call anything "Georgium Sidus" today, so penalize yourself fifty points for any answer at all.  However, we do refer to the thing that Sir Herschel dubbed "Georgium Sidus" as (c) Uranus, so give yourself twenty points if that was your answer.  Deduct an additional fifteen points for smirking when you saw the word "Uranus."  Playground answer: A6, B1, C2, D5, E4, F3.

Almanac Challenge

The Farmer’s Almanac® had predicted fair skies over the northwest March 4 through 7, whereas I had predicted it would rain like hell.  It probably doesn’t rain in hell, so I’ll take this week as a tie, making my record 1-2-1.  The Farmer’s Almanac® predicts a plague of locusts over the midwestern states March 12-15, and a rash of spontaneous combustion throughout metropolitan Detroit.  The Moron’s Almanac™ predicts no locusts in the midwest and only minimal spontaneous combustion in Detroit over the same period.

Results will be reported in this space in the next edition of the Almanac.

Remember, this is not the Farmer’s Almanac®.  This is the Moron’s Almanac™.  Please try not to get us mixed up: it confuses us and embarrasses the farmers.  Thanks.

The Moron's Almanac™
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All rights reserved.

Sir William Herschel discovered Georgium Sidus on March 13, 1781. What do we call Georgium Sidus today?

a. Aluminum

b. Hawaii

c. Uranus

d. Aspirin