We neglected to observe that Mr. Torkelsen's first name is not Lew, but Lou.

The Franks had allowed themselves to be ruled for several generations by the Merovingians.  The Franks hoped that the Merovingians would someday make them a country, preferably France.

Unfortunately the Merovingians had names like Merowig, Dagobert, and Childeric, and were therefore unlikely to produce a serious nation, such as France, but more likely Luxembourg or Liechtenstein.

Working directly beneath the kings of the Merovingian line, however, was a family that had been increasing its power and influence in the Frankish court for several generations.   These were the descendants of Arnulf, and they were much more serious than the flaky Merovingians.

The Arnulfians were all named either Pepin or Charles, and they all served as Mayors of the Palace.  It wasn’t much of a title, but it let them siphon power from the Merovingians until the kings had no power left at all.

The last Merovingian king was Childeric III.  When he realized he was finally powerless, that the office of the palace mayor had usurped all the power of the monarchy, he became upset and refused to trim his whiskers.

He was shaved, and sent off to live in a monastery.

The first Arnulfian king was Pepin the Short, son of Charles "the Hammer" Martel, son of Pepin the Easily Confused. Pepin the Short had two sons, Charles and Carloman.  The boys were too young to have acquired official nicknames, but were almost certainly referred to affectionately as Chuckie and Carlo, possibly in that order.

King Pepin got the Pope’s approval to be king, and immediately afterward began exterminating Saracens.  This was a favorite recreation of European royalty at the time.  History is ambiguous about these so-called Saracens, who afflicted southern and eastern Europe during this period.  They may have been an aggressive species of deer, fierce carnivorous birds, or even swarms of disease-carrying rodents.  Some historians call them "Mussel-men"--presumably half-mussel, half-man: such a monster is too terrible to imagine, especially if you like seafood.  We know only that it was necessary to kill them, and that Pepin did this admirably.

Finally he died.

Chuckie and Carlo divided the Frankland between them until Carlo died, at which point Chuckie became king of everything.

It seemed inappropriate to call him Chuckie from that point forward, and so he came to be known as Big Chuck.  As he got older, he became Charles the Great, and eventually, of course, he turned out to be Charlemagne.

He conquered a lot of territory, killed a lot of Saracens, and is often credited with the invention of France, or at least something that closely resembled it.

He was born on April 2.  I forgot to mention that.

These Weeks in History

Two of the leading lights of the twentieth century stage musical were born on March 22: Stephen Sondheim (1930), best known for his work on Gypsy, West Side Story, and Company, and Andrew Lloyd Weber (1948), best known for Jesus Christ Superstar, Cats, and Phantom of the Opera. By some mysterious natural process of compensation, March 22 is also the birthday of Marcel Marceau (1923).

Auguste and Louis Lumiere first demonstrated motion pictures in Paris using celluloid film on March 22, 1895. Unless it was March 19, 1895, or December 28, 1894, or cellulite instead of celluloid. And it may have been in Milan, or Warsaw, and it’s possible it wasn’t Louis and Auguste Lumiere, but Tanya and Sophie Belcher. It depends who you ask. It wasn’t much of a movie anyway--just footage of workers leaving the Lumiere Factory at the end of their shift, so the ambiguity surrounding its debut shouldn’t be so surprising.

On March 23, 1534, Pope Clement declared the marriage between Henry VIII of England and Catherine of Aragon was still valid, even though they’d been divorced the previous year and Henry had already married Anne Boleyn. This left Henry no choice but to invent his own religion and appoint a more agreeable pope. It’s interesting to reflect how richly improved the spiritual condition of our own age might be if our leaders were still required to invent religions every time they wanted a little nookie.

Anne Brontė was born on March 25, 1820. She and her sisters Charlotte and Emily were avid writers. Women were not supposed to write books at the time because novels were still being written in the formal style, and it was feared that women would corrupt that classic form with their penchant for multiple climaxes. The Brontės therefore wrote under the pseudonyms Currer, Ellis, and Acton Bell. Charlotte got to be Currer, which made the other girls jealous, because Currer was the handsome and swarthy sailor: Ellis was the stuttering librarian, and Acton was the simpleminded shepherd.

John Major and Eric Idle were both born on March 29, 1943.

The Moron's Playground

Hey kids! See if you can match the Carolingian ruler with their nickname!

The Moron Index

Trivia Solution: The Times published the first daily (d) weather charts.  Don’t give yourself any points for a correct answer.  Don’t deduct any if you were wrong.  No one’s keeping score, it’s all meant to be fun.  Bonus solution: Congress decreed there should be twenty (20) stars on the U.S. national flag.  Don’t give yourself any points for having answered this correctly, but rest assured that you’re among friends if you got it wrong.  And in the end, what does it matter anyway?  Playground answer: A1, B2, C3, D4.

Almanac Challenge

Locusts failed to plague the Midwest last week, and incidents of spontaneous human combustion in Detroit were at an all-time low. So once again I was nowhere near as wrong as the Farmer’s Almanac®, and my record is now 2-2-1. This proves that the Moron’s Almanac™ is just as accurate as the Farmer’s Almanac®, and will therefore conclude the almanac weather challenge.

Remember, this is not the Farmer’s Almanac®.  This is the Moron’s Almanac™.  Please try not to get us mixed up: it confuses us and embarrasses the farmers.  Thanks.

The Moron's Almanac™
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On April 1, 1875, what did the Times of London become the first newspaper to print on a daily basis?

a. Horoscopes
b. Classifieds
c. Personals
d. Weather charts
e. Sporting odds
f.  Page 6 girls