You may not have known it, but here in the United States May is National Salad Month.  By an astonishing coincidence, the second full week of May is National Herb Week.  It's a time to celebrate the verdure of the earth with verdure on a plate.  Or in a bowl--salad is just that versatile!

Salad has a long and noble history.  The word itself comes from the Latin "herba salta," which sounds like "urban assault," but in fact means "salted herbs."  They called their salads salted herbs because that's what they were: bits of leafy herbs dressed with salty oils.

The Romans weren't the first people to enjoy salad.  Though it's hard to imagine, people were eating herbs and vegetables long before the invention of salad forks.   Many of our evolutionary forebears ate leaves and veggies right off the plants, vines, and trees on which they grew.  In fact, scientists believe our ancient grazing tendencies may explain the popularity of salad bars, and our willingness to overlook the inadequacy of most sneeze guards.

The salad was not perfected, however, until the development of Bac-O Bits®, a genetically altered bacon substitute whose artificial bacon flavor and resistance to radiation have made it a staple of American salads.  (To say nothing of its cult popularity as driveway gravel!)

According to the Association for Dressings and Sauces, the altruistic sponsors of National Salad Month, salad dressings and sauces have a history as rich and varied as salad itself.  The Chinese have been using soy sauce for over five thousand years, the Babylonians used oil and vinegar, and Worcestershire was popular in Caesar's day.  (Ironically, however, the Caesar salad was not invented by Julius Caesar.  It wasn't even invented by Sid Caesar.   In fact, it was invented by Caesar Cardini, a Mexican restaurateur, in 1924.)

The Egyptians favored oil and vinegar mixed with Oriental spices.  Mayonnaise was invented by the Duke de Richelieu in 1756 after defeating the British at Port Mahon on Majorca (hence "Mahonnaise," later corrected to mayonnaise).  The Duke was best known not for his military victories, however, but his all-nude dinner parties.   I'm not going to speculate as to how exactly a bunch of naked people got the idea of covering their salads in a creamy sauce.

(Around this time each year, well meaning but extremely annoying busybodies feel compelled to warn us about the dangers of mayonnaise exposed to the open air; happily, the good people at the Association of Dressings and Sauces have provided an online mayonnaise safety video--take a look.)

In 1896, Joe Marzetti of Columbus, Ohio, opened a restaurant and served his customers a variety of dressings developed from old country recipes.  His restaurant might have done better if he had served them actual meals, but his dressings became so popular that he started to bottle and sell them.

It was the birth of a market niche.

In 1950, Americans bought 6.3 million gallons of salad dressing.  In 1997, they bought more than 60 million gallons.  This information is indisputable, because it appears on the Association of Dressings and Sauces website.  Since the United States had a population of about 260 million in 1997, it looks like the average American buys about 4.3 gallons of salad dressing each year.  That's enough to drip a tablespoon per mile from New York to Chicago.  I myself don't buy salad dressing, which means that some poor bastard had to buy 8.6 gallons to make up the difference.  I apologize to that man.

Of course, it's informative to note that the Association of Dressings and Sauces measures salad dressing sold, not consumed.  We've all seen salad dressing in the final stages of decomposition, the once creamy sauce crusting around the edges and congealing in the bottom of the bottle.  Added up nationwide, that's got to be a few million gallons a year.

So it's not like we're pigs or anything.

National Salad Month comes but once a year, but celebrated correctly once should be enough.

Carnivorous readers disinclined to celebrate National Salad Month can choose from any of the following celebrations, all of which last the entire month of May: Allergy and Asthma Awareness Month, Arthritis Month, Better Hearing and Speech Month, Better Sleep Month, Breathe Easy Month, Correct Posture Month, Digestive Diseases Awareness Month, Hepatitis Awareness Month, High Blood Pressure Month, Huntington's Disease Awareness Month, Melanoma & Skin Cancer Detection and Prevention Month, Mental Health Month, National Barbeque Month, National Bike Month, National Egg Month, National High Blood Pressure Education Month, National Photo Month, National Physical Fitness and Sports Month, Neurofibromatosis Month, Older Americans Month, Osteoporosis Prevention Month, Sight-Saving Month, Stroke Awareness Month, Tuberous Sclerosis Awareness Month, and Trauma Awareness Month.

Those who like their celebrations a little shorter can choose from the following, all of which take place on the first full week of May: Be Kind to Animals Week, Goodwill Industries Week, National Family Week, National Pet Week, National Postcard Week, PTA Teacher Appreciation, and Small Business Week. The second full week of May is not only National Herb Week (in the middle of National Salad Month! It's like a sign from God!), but also Nurses Week, Hospital Week, National Tourism Week, and National Historic Preservation Week.

Furthermore, May 3 is International Tuba Day, May 12 is Limerick Day, May 13 is Astronomy Day, and May 16 is Biographers' Day.

Think how many birds you could kill with one stone by taking a picture of yourself riding   a bike cross country under the stars while playing the tuba and juggling barbecued eggs, accompanied by a few nurses, teachers, biographers, pets, and tourists--especially if you're old and crazy and you stutter.)

If you can't find something to celebrate this month, you're just not trying.

As always, the Moron's Almanac reminds its readers to celebrate responsibly. 

These Weeks in History

May 9 is not a national holiday in the United States. And yet on that day in 1960 legislation was passed that revolutionized our culture. Unlike other important legislation, such as Murphy's Law and the Law of Gravity, this was a law you could like. This was a law you could love. This was the legalization of The Pill.

 Interestingly, this legislative watershed came almost exactly twenty years after an important (and equally pleasant) commercial innovation: on May 15, 1940, the first nylons went on sale.

1940, nylons. 1960, oral contraceptives. 1940-1960, the baby boom.

Any questions?

Other facts with which you can impress your friends and sycophants:

On May 13, 1787, the first fleet of ships carrying convicts to Australia left England. They landed the following January. We got the Puritans, they got the Convicts. And just when we were finally starting to feel good about ourselves, they saddled us with Paul Hogan.

On May 13, 1940, British Prime Minister Winston Churchill (who'd been sworn in three days earlier) told parliament he could offer only "blood, toil, tears, and sweat." This was deemed satisfactory, but only after he agreed to be fitted with an IV.

Niccolo Machiavelli was born on May 3, 1469. Machiavelli proved that the yen justifies the beans, and is therefore reviled.

On May 5, 1994, Singapore caned American teenager Michael Fay for having vandalized their country.

On May 6, 1626, Dutchman Peter Minuit bought Manhattan for about twenty-five bucks.

Trivia Solution:  Pakistan and India tried to cool mounting tensions between their countries by (c) setting up a telephone hot line.  Give yourself four points for a correct answer.  If you thought they agreed to (a) send each other flowers or (b) call each other every Sunday, give yourself ten points for having your heart in the right place.  If you thought they had agreed to (d) counseling by an accredited couples counselor, give yourself fifteen points for having made an informed guess as to how these two countries came to the brink of nuclear war.  If you thought they had agreed to (e) pig pile on Afghanistan, subtract fifty points for having confused these countries with Russia.  Bonus:  Kasparov was defeated by IBM’s Deep Blue computer.  But you knew that.

Farming Tip

On May 12, 1997, Pakistan and India agreed to a prisoner exchange. What else did they agree to in the hopes of reducing the tensions that simmered between them?

a. To send each other flowers

b. To call each other every Sunday

c. To set up a telephone hot line

d. Counseling by an accredited couples counselor

e. Pig pile on Afghanistan!

Bonus: The very day before that agreement, who dethroned reigning world chess champion Gary Kasparov?