The all nude almanac can be distinguished from regular almanacs by its cleverly concealed repetition of popular search engine keywords.  If you're embarrassed on our behalf, don't be: according to searchwords.com, the following are currently among the top 100 search words on the internet (persons of a sensitive disposition may wish to skip this list).  Ranks are for the most recent month:

The sex searchword represented nearly six percent of all searches on the Internet.

What's even more interesting than the rankings above, which almost anyone outside a cloister might have guessed,--which even anyone in a cloister might have guessed, given a window or television,--is some of the searchwords mixed in with all that filth.   "Love poems," for example, came in at #88, ahead of "Penthouse" but tied with "screensavers."  "United Airlines" was ranked at #67 (just behind "sand") , and "American Airlines" at #57 (just behind "tommys bookmarks").  "Maps" edged out "nude" by one hundredth of a percentage point.  And at #6 overall, "Pokemon" edged out every smutty word but "sex" itself.

The number one searchword was "mp3," which isn't even technically a word, so "sex" will apparently reign triumphant for the time being.

Remember, the Moron's Almanac isn't only nude: it's also free.  It will always be free.  Free, and sometimes nude.  Tell your friends.  There is no other all nude almanac, anywhere.  For Free.

And keep an eye out for our first annual all mp3 edition...

This Moron
Proprietor

Bra La La La La

Breasts are an important feature among mammals.  They allow mothers to nurture their young through protracted infancies.  No infancy is longer than that of the human species, especially that of the American male, which often lasts until death. 

Breasts are more than just feedbags for the young, however.  On humans at least, they also have valuable recreational value.  Nothing else has the nutrition, entertainment, and sheer jiggle value of the human breast (although Jell-O™ does come close). 

Naturally, men couldn’t leave anything with the power, appeal, and nutritive value of breasts in the hands of women, literally or metaphorically.  From the very dawn of human history, therefore, breasts have been in men’s hands.

In 2500 BC, the Minoan women of Crete are believed to have worn a special garment that lifted their breasts entirely out of their clothing.  (Like another popular story of ancient Minos, this is believed to be half bull.)  By the rise of the Hellenic (Greek) and Roman (Roman) civilizations, however, women were wearing tightly bound breast bands to reduce their busts.  This style persisted until 476 AD, rightly referred to by historians as the Fall of Rome.

As history progressed, the popularity of breasts rose and fell, heaved and plunged, lifted and separated.  Each new culture found a new way of exalting or obscuring the breast, according to their inclinations.  By the nineteenth century in Europe, breasts were being pressed together and thrust upward by means of whalebone-fortified corsets.

The strain was unbearable.  Something had to give.

On May 30, 1889, the world’s first bra was invented.   To tell you the truth, I’ve lost all track of where I found that date, and haven’t got the slightest idea what it refers to.   I do know, however, that corset maker Herminie Cadolle invented the “Bien-être” in 1889, and that this “health aid” was the first garment to support breasts from the shoulder down instead of squeezing them up from below.

I know that Marie Tucek patented the first “breast supporter” in 1893 (separate pockets for the breasts, with straps that went over the shoulder and were fastened by hook-and-eye closures).

I also know that New York socialite Mary Jacob Phelps invented a modern bra in 1913 (with two handkerchiefs, some ribbon, and a bit of cord) to accommodate a sheer evening gown.  I know that Ms. Phelps sold her invention, which she called the brassiere, to the Warner Brothers Corset Company in Bridgeport, Connecticut, for $1500 in 1914.

I even know that the US War Industries Board encouraged the assimilation of the bra in 1917 by encouraging women to stop buying corsets, thereby freeing up nearly sixty million pounds of the metal used in them.

And I know that during the 1920s, a Russian immigrant by the name of Ida Rosenthal founded Maidenform with her husband William.  The Rosenthals grouped breasts into cup sizes and developed bras for women of every age.

So it doesn’t really matter what happened on May 30, 1889.  It only matters that I’ve used the word breast about twenty times in the last three paragraphs, and you know the search engines are gonna find that pretty damn titillating.

These Weeks in History

Honore de Balzac was born in France on May 20, 1799.  Balzac created a vast body of literature that he called La Comédie Humaine (“A Vast Body of Literature”).  It consisted of dozens of novels, short stories, and plays interwoven with many of the same characters, places, events, horses, etc.  One of his most popular characters was the brilliant and big-hearted Dr. Bianchon.   It is rumored that Balzac’s dying words were, “If Bianchon were here, he would save me!”  The anecdote is probably apocryphal, as Balzac didn’t speak English.

Richard Wagner was born on May 22, 1813.  Wagner is one of the most controversial personalities of the nineteenth century, and wrote some of its most controversial music.  Hitler is said for most of his life to have kept only three books on his nightstand: Wagner’s autobiography, Machiavelli’s “The Prince,” and “The Best of Juggs.”  (How Hitler ended up with Wagner’s nightstand is a question best left alone.)  Wagner considered it his life’s mission to create a new and purely German music, in German, about Germany, for Germans, and he is perhaps best known for having scored the helicopter scene in “Apocalypse Now.”

Frank Capra was born on May 18, 1897, and Jimmy Stewart was born on May 20, 1908.  Without them we would not have had such American classics as “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington,” “Mr. Smith Goes Back to Washington,” “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington Again,” “Mr. Smith Is Still in Washington,” “Mr. Smith Feels Your Pain,” “Mr. Smith is Really Very Serious about Term Limits,” and, “Mr. Smith Dies in Office.”  The duo also gave us “It’s a Wonderful Life,” with its own magnificent sequels: “It’s a Really Wonderful Life,” “It Just Doesn’t Get Any Better Than Life,” and “Life Is Just So Damn Good I Don’t Know Whether to Shit or Go Blind.”

On May 16, 1763, James Boswell first met Samuel Johnson in Tom Davie’s London bookshop.  Due to the lax stalking laws of the period, Mr. Boswell followed Mr. Johnson around for several decades.   On May 19, 1795, Mr. Boswell died.  (This could not have come a relief to Mr. Johnson, who had already been dead for some time, and was probably relishing the privacy.)

On May 19, 1935, Thomas Edward Lawrence was killed in a motorcycle accident.  Lawrence was a British officer who rose to prominence during the Arabian campaigns of the first World War.  He can also be seen in “The Lion in Winter,” “Becket,” “The Stunt Man,” and “My Favorite Year.”

On May 22, 1939, Adolf Hitler and Benito Mussolini signed their “Pact of Steel,” committing their countries to a military alliance.  The pact held.  (Their “Pact of Aluminum” had failed miserably, and their “Pact of Semi-Adhesive Paste” is still the butt of diplomats’ jokes.)

On May 23, 1734, Friedrich Anton Mesmer was born.  Mr. Mesmer was a physician and hypnotist who developed a peculiar method of curing by suggestion that bears his name to this day: Antonism.  (Antonism should not be confused with Antonyms, which is an antonym for Synonyms.  Synonyms should not be confused with Cinnamon, which is used on hot buns.  It will spare embarrassment at the breakfast table if hot buns are not confused with hot buns.)

On May 25, 1925, John Scopes was indicted for teaching evolution in school.  Evolution was a theory put forth by Charles Darwin, whose boat was named “the Beagle.”   People objected to this theory, which put forth the proposition that mankind had evolved from life forms with hairy red asses.  This resulted in the famous Scopes Monkey Trial, in which Spencer Tracy gave a long monologue that changed everyone’s minds even though it was so darn hot in the courtroom.

It is now commonly accepted as fact that mankind evolved from life forms with hairy red asses, a proposition that anyone who’s been to the beach lately shouldn’t find too hard to accept.

Head Games

Jean-Paul Marat was born in Switzerland on May 24, 1743.  Hold that thought.

Four days later, on May 28, 1743, Joseph Ignace Guillotine was born in France.  Eventually he became a doctor.  As a politically active humanitarian, he was understandably disturbed by the many executions of the French Revolution.  He was sure there was a better way to kill people.

Eventually he came up with a machine that chopped the victim’s head off by means of a heavy suspended blade that would rush down a pair of siderails onto the victim’s neck.  Not only was it quick and painless: it was a damn fine show.  It was a jolly little sport to speculate where the victim’s head would land.  Dr. Guillotine enjoyed watching the youngsters scampering playfully about the machine, fighting for the severed head.

Meanwhile, Jean-Paul Marat had grown up, moved to France, and become a Very Angry Man, leading inevitably to a career in journalism.  In his paper The Friend of the People, he railed against the nobility, the aristocracy, the upper class, the upper middle-class, the middle middle-class, the lower middle-class, and the class clown.  More than anything, however, he hated religion, and he could often be found in churches making fart sounds during sermons.

These silly eccentricities endeared him to the leading intellectuals and revolutionaries of the age, so that when the revolution broke out and he suggested they kill everyone who belonged to the nobility, the aristocracy, the upper class, the upper middle-class, the middle middle-class, the lower middle-class, they were like, “okay.”  And when he said they should also kill all the priests, they were like “okay.”  And when he said they should also kill everyone who ever went to church, they were like “okay.”  (Many of them later confessed that they only agreed because they were drunk, a lingering effect of the Bourbon era.)

In the old days, it would have been hard to kill so many people, but thanks to the genius of Dr. Guillotine, they were able to kill lots of counter-revolutionary bastards quickly and effectively, in a way that made the children laugh and sing right up to the moment when they had their own heads chopped off.

Dr. Guillotine was eventually guillotined, and Mr. Marat was stabbed to death in his own bathtub, and on May 23, 1934, Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow were riddled with bullets in a police ambush, which only goes to show.

Trivia Solution:  Electrocardiograph.  Bonus:  Dr. Joe discovered Plutonium.  No points.  No excuses.

Farming Tip

May 21, 1860, was the birthday of Dutch scientist Willem Einthoven. What innovation won him the Nobel Prize in 1924?

a. Discovery of DNA

b. Discovery that the Nobel Committee accepted bribes

c. Invention of codeine

d. Invention of the electrocardiograph

e. Conceptualization of the pacemaker

Bonus: Joseph W. Kennedy was born just nine days and forty-six years after Einthoven, and discovered something of even greater impact on the twentieth century.  He never received a Nobel Prize.  What was his discovery?