The terms of the Magnum Charta provided that freemen should be free, that freemen should not be put to death, that freemen should be able to get married, that freemen should only be judged by juries of other freemen, and that a measure of wine should be a measure of wine.  The only people excepted from these liberties were the People.

(Our own Bill of Rights drew heavily from the Magnum Carta, although it allowed that the People included people not previously considered the People, except in those cases in which the people were still not People.)

When the Black Plague swept through England a century and a quarter later, it killed half the population.  This was a grave problem, but eventually enough graves were found to accommodate everyone.  Then it became an economic problem.  While the plague had lowered demand, it had completely devastated supply.

There simply weren't enough Pheasants (Villains) to perform all the work.  The barons passed a maximum wage law, to prevent their Pheasants (Villains) from taking advantage of the situation, and the government increased taxes dramatically, demanding that a tax be paid by every subject over fifteen years old.  (Because everyone got the shaft, this came to be known as the Pole Tax.)

In the village of Maidstone, Kent, there lived a Pheasant (Villain) whose daughter was about fourteen years old.  When the Tax Collector (Bastard) came around to collect, he didn't believe the girl was less than fifteen.  The girl and her mother protested that she was.  The inspector tore the girl's clothes off to see for himself.

After he stripped her, he concluded a more tactile examination would be necessary.   When she resisted, the situation took a violent turn.  At this moment the girl's father came in and smashed the Bastard's skull open.

News of the event spread, and the Pheasants (Villains) of southeast England rallied to the father's support.  They began Wat Tyler's Rebellion on June 13, 1381, and they made the girl's father their leader because his name just happened to be Wat Tyler.

Over the next few days, Tyler led the Pheasants (Villains) against the government, burning the Archbishop of Salisbury at the Stake (hence "Salisbury Steak").

The primary purpose of the rebellion was to secure a pardon for having rebelled.   When Wat Tyler confronted King Richard II in Smithfield, he voiced this demand and was consequently stabbed to death, etc, by the Lord Mayor of London.  Upon Wat Tyler's death, of course, it was no longer possible to have Wat Tyler's Rebellion, so everyone else went home. Many of them were later killed.

Further back in history, on June 13, 323 BC, a youthful Alexander the Great died in Babylon.  The precise cause of his death has baffled modern science for thousands of years.  Many historians believe he died of hybris, also known as Syphilis or the Greek Fire.  Alexander had a horse named Bucephelas, and is best known for having devoured the Gordian Nut.

These Weeks in History

It was on May 31 that the seventeen year old Lady Godiva rode naked on horseback through Coventry, England, to protest the high tax rate established by her own husband, Earl Leofric of Mercia.  Her protest worked, and he lowered taxes.  The Moron's Almanac strongly endorses this type of civil disobedience, and reminds readers that taxes are pretty high just about everywhere these days.

On May 31, 1902, the Treaty of Vereeniging was signed, canceling the Bore War for lack of interest.  (The Bore War should not be confused with the Boar War, which was much more exciting on account of tusks.)

On June 2, 1793, the "Rain of Terror" officially began in France.  This was one of the worst meteorological events in French history, and cost hundreds of thousands of lives.

The Marquis de Sade was born on June 2, 1740, and his sexual proclivities made his name a noun.  (His sexual proclivities have been preserved in a mason jar at the Louvre.)

On June 4, 1717, the Freemasons were founded in London.  The Freemasons are not a secret society of assassins.  They do not have Cesar Borgia's head preserved in an urn.  They were not responsible for the French Revolution.  They did not kidnap Anastasia Romanov.  They are not in control of the Hale-Bopp comet.  They did not invent horseradish.

On June 9, 1934, an American legend made his first appearance on the silver screen.   Since then, he has appeared in over 450 films in more than 200 languages, held lead roles in dozens of television serials and hundreds of specials,  has been the primary subject of literally thousands of books and magazines in virtually every language in which books and magazines are printed, and has done all of this without wearing pants.  I'm talking, of course, about the world's favorite lazy, bare-assed, hotheaded mallard: Donald Duck.

June 6, 1944, was D-Day.  The military calls the date of every major operation "D-Day," probably to confuse the enemy.  This would have been especially confusing in Normandy, which is in France, where "day" begins with a "J."

Dr. Jean-Baptiste Denys, the personal physician to Louis XIV, performed the first blood transfusion in history on June 12, 1667.  He performed the transfusion on a fifteen year old boy, using blood from a sheep.  The experiment was considered a success, although it was clearly a disappointment if you were rooting for the sheep.

Cole Porter was born on June 9, 1892.  At words poetic he was so pathetic that he always thought it best, instead of letting them off his chest, to let them rest, unexpressed.  He went to Yale.

On June 7, 1494, Spain and Portugal signed the Treaty of Tordesillas.  I mention this only because there are lot of treaties we're expected to be familiar with, and this is not one of them.  You will never be standing at a cocktail party where someone says, "It's all because of that damn Treaty of Tordesillas."  No one will ever blame World War II on the harsh conditions of the Treaty of Tordesillas.  You'll never see some smarmy article in some smarmy magazine tossing off the "Treaty of Tordesillas" in an ironic and off-handed way.  You already know more about that treaty than most of the people alive today.  And now you can forget the Treaty of Tordesillas ever existed.  It has no relevance to your life at all.

Ugo Buoncompagni was born on June 7, 1502. He became Pope Gregory III in 1572, and remained Pope until 1585.  He reformed the Julian calendar, which is why it's now Gregorian instead of Julian, although it might have been more fun if he had reformed the calendar before he was pope, because then, you know: Ugian Calendar.

On June 8, 632, Mohammed died. He was the founder of Islam, and his death was the first in a long chain of events that ultimately resulted in the Treaty of Tordesillas.

The Swiss Army Knife was patented on June 12, 1897.  The Swiss Army hasn't won a war since.

On June 13, 1917, fourteen German Gotha bomber planes flew over London in the first aerial bombardment in history (not counting Zeppelins).  Exactly twenty-seven years later, Germany commemorated the anniversary by launching the first of its V-1 flying bombs on southern England.  Exactly forty-six years after that, East Germany began tearing down the Berlin Wall.  June 13 obviously has some importance in the Teutonic psyche; be gentle with men in lederhosen.

Healthy Living Notebook

It's unofficially summer now, and the Healthy Living Notebook wants to remind its readers that contrary to popular lyrics, the living is not in fact easy.   (That's not to say your daddy's not rich and your mama's not good looking.)   Millions of Americans die at the beach every summer.  These deaths are tragic and unnecessary.  Tragic death at the beach can be avoided easily.  The following tips will help you and your loved ones enjoy this summer without any gratuitous deaths.

Do not dive in shallow water.  Do not bury yourself up to the neck in sand at low tide.  Do not play chicken on jet-skis.  Do not attempt to swallow flaming swords.  Do not provoke armed mercenaries landing on your beach from amphibious vehicles.  Do not taunt poisonous sea serpents.  Do not try to repair motorboat propellors while the engine is engaged.  Avoid poisonous snakes. Wear flotation devices at all times.  Use SPF 10,000.  Do not attempt to fly your seaplane through the Dairy Queen drive-thru.  Do not pee in the pool.  Do not stick your fingers in electrical outlets.  Do not have your eyeballs pierced.

Trivia Solution:  President Cleveland got (b) married.  Give yourself five points for a correct answer.  Give yourself ten points for each additional Grover you can name.  (Deduct fifteen points for every Grover with blue fur.)  Bonus:  Rogers Nelson was Prince.  Then he was the Artist Formerly Known as Prince.  Now he's Prince again.

Farming Tip

On June 2, 1886, what did Grover Cleveland become the first president to do in office?

a. Die

b. Get married

c. Get divorced

d. Participate in a duel

e. Acknowledge a bastard child

Bonus: June 7, 1958, was the birthday of Rogers Nelson.   Who the hell was Rogers Nelson?  Who was he after that?  And who is he now?