King Edward III was a very famous English king, celebrated for his invention of manners and discovery of the economy. He played tennis, and once famously rebuked the King of France for having sent him his balls in a box.

Edward III established the Order of the Garter because he was what English nobles referred to as a "leg man." (It was he who also famously remarked, "Honi soit qui mal y pense," or "Honey, show us some cheesecake.")

King Edward had many sons, one of whom was born on June 15, 1330. This son he named Prince Edward. Though white at birth, he eventually became England's first Black Prince.

Prince Edward married Joan of Kent. In her youth, Joan had been known as the "Fairly Made" because she was so fat. Joan had five children from a previous marriage, but these were declared dull and annoyed upon her marriage to the Black Prince (who was not yet black).

At the age of sixteen, Prince Edward and his father the king led the English against the French at Crecy, in order to start the 100 years war. There were many more French than English, but the English had the advantage of the Long Boa. The French were powerless against this innovation. Ten years later, the English and French took the field again, this time at Poitiers. The French had learned from experience, and tried to counter the English Long Boa with their own Very Large Scarf. They failed.

The English took France's King John prisoner and ransomed him for half a million pounds (250 tons). Edward was nice to the French king, however, and prayed with him, which proved that the apple had not fallen far from the tree. (Edward was also a "leg man.")

By now he had become the Black Prince.

In recognition of his prowess, the Black Prince was made the ruler of Aquitaine in 1362. When some of the French rebelled at Limoges in 1370, he had all 3000 inhabitants killed. This resulted in peace.

The Black Prince died before he could succeed to the throne (there is some speculation that he would have succeeded if he had been a White Prince, but scholars are reluctant to attribute racist motives to English royalty.) Edward and Joan had two children. One was Edward, who died in infancy and was therefore ineligible to be king. The other was Richard, also known as Richard II, who succeeded to the throne only to abdicate in favor of Henry IV, Part 1.

Following Henry IV Parts 1 and 2 came Henry V, then Henry VI parts 1, 2, and 3, and then finally Richard III.

Richard III made himself King of England on June 26, 1483, by killing everyone else who wanted to be king. It was a clever strategy, especially for a hunchback, but it only provided his successor an example to use against him two years later.

(Many English and British scholars insist to this day that Richard III wasn't a hunchback, and still more insist he didn't actually kill anyone, but they've obviously never seen the play by Sir Francis Bacon.)

These Weeks in History

On June 15, 1520, Pope Leo X (no relation) excommunicated Martin Luther with a papal bull. Pope Leo X is justly famous for his use of bulls, although not quite as famous as Catherine the Great for her use of horses.

June 16, 1904, is the date on which all the events depicted in James Joyce's famous novel Ulysses take place. To celebrate this literary holiday (called "Bloomsday" in honor of the novel's protagonist), all of the book's fans gather each year on this day to drink until they both pass out.

On June 17, 1775, American forces were defeated by the British at Breed's Hill, near Boston, in the Battle of Bunker Hill, although not until they saw the whites of their eyes. This should not be confused with the Battle of Breed's Hill, fought on Bunker Hill, which the Americans won after shooting like hell at anything that moved.

On the evening of June 17, 1972, five men broke into the Democratic Party National Committee headquarters at the Watergate building in Washington, DC. They had hoped to bug the offices, but were arrested well before they could release any insects. Their arrests ultimately led to Richard Nixon's resignation in 1974. (Nixon's resignation prior to 1974 is attributed to simple melancholy.)

On June 18, 1815, one of the most decisive battles in the history of Europe was fought in Belgium, as a resurgent Napoleon Bonaparte launched his last military offensive against the Duke of Wellington and the Prussian Marshal Blücher. Nearly 50,000 men were killed in the battle. This battle was commemorated by Swedish sensation Abba in their 1970s hit, "Waterloo." Abba's interpretation of Waterloo's significance has been controversial from the start, as it tended to focus less on the military and political implications of the battle than on feelings of euphoria typically incited by hormonal rushes of erotic excitement.

On June 19, 1903, baseball great Lou Gehrig was born. He died of Lou Gehrig's disease. Go figure.

On June 20, 1793, Eli Whitney applied for a patent on his cotton gin, which remained obscure until the 1803 invention of the cotton gin martini.

Summer begins on June 21.

On June 22, 1933, German chancellor Adolf Hitler banned every political party except his own Evil Nazi Bastards from winning elections. The Evil Nazi Bastards swept the next elections, demonstrating the public's strong support for this measure.

On June 26, 1819, Abner Doubleday was born. Mr. Doubleday is credited with the invention of baseball, without which Americans would have nothing to watch between waits in line for more beer.

On June 26, 1963, U.S. President John F. Kennedy stood before the Berlin Wall and announced to a quarter of a million Germans that he was a jelly donut, in his famous "I am a jelly donut" ("ich bin ein jelly donut") speech. Although embarrassing, this was considered an improvement over Eisenhower's infamous "I am a well-hung yak" speech.

Healthy Living Notebook

On June 15, 1752, Ben Franklin conducted his famous kite experiment to prove that lightning was electricity. Any American school child can tell you this, and yet, every summer, millions of Americans are struck by lightning and killed while playing golf. The Healthy Living Notebook deplores this insidious threat to our national health, and reminds its readers that most golf course electrocutions are easily preventable.

The easiest way to avoid being struck by lightning on the links is of course to play with people who are taller than yourself. If you are abnormally tall, or your friends are abnormally short, encourage the other players to wear metal helmets.

Play with clubs made from non-conductive material-for example, wood, hemp, or aspic.

Do not play golf while wearing tin-foil rabbit ears.

Every five seconds between a flash of lightning and the sound of its thunder represents a mile's distance between yourself and the lightning. Remember this simple rule of thumb: if it's close enough to hear, it's close enough to kill you.

If while golfing you should ever start feeling a prickly feeling on your skin, and the hair on the back of your neck begins to rise, you're in a lightning hazard area. Take the penalty and run like hell. (And when you get home, for God's sake shave your neck.) Note that the same prickly, tingly, hair-raising feeling has been reported by golfers whose foursomes have been played through by OJ Simpson, so use your discretion.

Trivia Solution: Give yourself twenty points and a hot oil massage if you knew that (d) Garfield was the correct answer. Subtract fifty points if you spent any time thinking about it. Bonus: the last great battle on English soil took place in 1487. Give yourself thirty points if you ventured a guess. Give yourself thirty more if you had the right century. Give yourself an additional fifty points for wondering which poor bastards were killing one another in the Battle of Stoke. (Subtract seventy points and deduct one hot oil massage if you knew.)

Farming Tip