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Almost as reliable as the Farmer's Almanac®, |
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Almost as reliable as the Farmer's Almanac®, |
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Volume 6, Number 3
Wednesday, July 26 - Tuesday, August 8
War and Melons |
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| VITAL MORONIC INFO July
26 July 27 July 28 July 29 July 30 July 31 August 1 August 2 August 3 August 4 August 5 August 6 August 7 August 8
Have you seen the
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"By the turn of the century," one historian
observes (Greg Nagan, in The 5-Minute Iliad and Other Instant
Classics: Great Books for the Short Attention Span, Simon & Schuster /
Fireside, $12.00), "the nations of western civilization had woven themselves into a
tight and complicated knot of treaties designed to prevent the kind of widespread military
conflagration that had plagued Europe at regular intervals since the French Revolution.
Sadly, these were weak treaties, many of them having been written on the backs of cocktail
napkins or matchbook covers, and pretty much everyone knew that sooner or later it was all
going to blow up in their faces." And so it came to pass that on a sweltering July 28, 1914, still reeling from the recent assassination of their Archduck Franz Ferdinand in Sarajevo, Austria-Hungary declared war on Serbia. Coincidentally, August 3 is National Watermelon Day. Watermelons are close to my heart: I spent a summer unloading them off eighteen-wheelers and into large cardboard boxes. One does not handle five to ten tons of melons a day without gaining a certain appreciation, if not awe, for those leviathans of the field. The first World War was not without its parallels to my own experience as a watermelon handler. Both were complex affairs in which the faulty handling of weighty but delicate matter resulted in pain and devastation for everyone involved. Consider Russia, for example. Because Russia was a Slavic nation, like Serbia, Czar Nicholas II was compelled to send a few troops toward Austria the day after the aforementioned declaration of war, in hopes that Austria would become nervous and back off. But it was hot, and people were angry, and Austrians weren't in any mood to back off. If anything, they were feeling a little pissy: a day later, they sent some troops of their own toward Russia. Was this not the mere metaphorical foreshadowing of my own experience at the New England Produce Center? (The world's biggest producer of watermelons is China, whose annual production is greater than the rest of the world's combined. Turkey, Iran, the US, and Egypt round out the top five. Try to find another top five list with those countries in that order! "In Israel and Egypt," one authoritative source observes, "the sweet taste of watermelon is often paired with the salty taste of feta cheese." Is it any wonder peace is so elusive in this region?) The Russian Czar was unaccustomed to this kind of confrontational behavior. His self-esteem in tatters, he mobilized the entire Imperial Army against Austria. Kaiser Wilhelm II of Germany observed the Russian mobilization with unease. The Slavs of Russia considered the Slavs of Serbia their blood cousins, but the Germans and Austrians were closer still. Like brothers. Like twin brothers. (Fraternal, not identical.) The Kaiser dashed off a note to his friend the Czar, asking if maybe Russia wouldn't mind calling her troops back in, say, the next twenty-four hours or else. He sent another little note to France, asking if they wouldn't mind promising to keep their noses out of certain other peoples' business, if certain other people should happen to go to war within the next, say, eighteen hours. The hefty fruit we know as watermelon is in fact Citrullus lanatus. It belongs to the family Curcurbitacae. It is closely related to the cucumber, the pumpkin, and the squash. In 1999, over 4 billion pounds of Citrillus lanatus were produced in the United States. That's about fifteen pounds for every American. Neither Russia nor France offered any reply to the Kaiser's little notes, and his feelings were understandably hurt. He mobilized his own army, and declared war against Russia on August 1, and France on August 3. The word "watermelon" first appeared in an English dictionary in 1615. The word is derived from "water," meaning water, and "melon", meaning melon. To reach France, the Germans had to cross through Belgium. Belgium expressed its sincere desire not to be crossed through. Germany considered this request unreasonable, and began killing Belgians on the night of August 3. In American slang, breasts are often referred to as melons. Like most of the rest of the world, Britain didn't care about Serbia. Britain wasn't especially close to Russia, either, and Britain certainly didn't give a damn who wanted to whomp on France--it had been something like their own national sport for centuries. But they had foolishly pledged their support to defiant little Belgium, and had no choice but to declare war on Germany on August 4. On the same day, the United States declared its reluctance to become involved in the European conflict until it had a better idea who'd win. Watermelon harvests in ancient Egypt are depicted in hieroglyphics on the walls of the pyramids. Watermelons were frequently placed in the tombs of Egyptian kings, to nourish them in the summery Egyptian afterlife. A toothless old Italian used to give me a bowl of his wife's pasta-con-calimari every morning, in exchange for a fresh ripe watermelon. Calimari is Italian for squid. Austria, meanwhile, had been touched by the fervor with which Germany had come to her defense--and by the rapidity with which Russian troops were advancing toward the both of them. Emperor Franz Josef declared war against Russia on August 5. In the far east, watermelons are popular gifts to bring a host. Serbia, already being pounded by Austria, declared war against Germany on August 6. Montenegro considered this bold and dashing, and wanted a piece of the action: she declared was against Austria on August 7, and, ebullient at finding herself still intact a whole five days later, went so far as to declare war against Germany on Aug 12. This takes us beyond the scope of this Almanac, but I'm having too much fun to stop now. Already at war with Germany, an irritated France declared war against Austria on August 10. Caught up in the excitement, Britain declared war against Austria on August 12. By now it seemed like everyone was getting involved. There was a mad rush to war. Japan declared war against Germany on August 23. According to the Guinness Book of World Records, Bill Carson of Arrington, Tennessee, grew the world's largest watermelon in 1990. It weighed 262 pounds. Japan's hostilities toward Germany offended Austria, who declared war against Japan on August 25. Fastidiously egalitarian in their foreign policy, they declared war against Belgium three days later. Things were now spinning wildly out of control. On August 29, France declared war against Antartica, Dublin declared war against India, and dogs declared war against cats. World War One was underway. In just four years, it would claim 8.5 million lives and leave 21.2 million wounded. Watermelon is 92% water. These Weeks in HistoryOn July 28, 1794, Maximilien "The Incorruptible" Robespierre was guillotined for having ravaged the French meteorological cycle with his nefarious Rain of Terror. On July 29, 1588, the Spanish Armada sent by Phillip II to invade England was defeated by Lord Howard and Sir Francis Drake. It was one of the greatest maritime engagements in history, and altered the balance of power in Europe irreversibly. On July 28, 1945, a B-25 bomber flew into the side of the Empire State Building. It was one of the most embarrassing aviation disasters in history, and altered the air lanes over New York for ever. Marilyn Monroe "died" from an "accidental" overdose of "sleeping" pills on August 5, "1962." The Moronic FinancierMany readers have been inquiring about pyramid schemes. I cannot overstate my objection to pyramid schemes. Not only are they illegal, they're also extremely impractical. What would you do with a pyramid? How would you get it past customs? How would you sell it discreetly? How would you protect yourself from the Curse of the Mummy? Pyramids are not commodities: they're durable goods. They also just happen to be culturally important historical artifacts. You'll never have to worry about the Curse of the Mummy so long as you steer well clear of pyramid scams. I guarantee it. Farming TipsIf you want farming tips, you need the Farmer's Almanac®. This isn't the Farmer's Almanac®. This is the Moron's Almanac™. Please try not to get us mixed up: it confuses us and embarrasses the farmers. Thanks. Trivia solution: In an effort to increase Catholic populations around the world, the Pope prohibited (d) birth control. (Cardinal Gherkin's recommendations that they might achieve the same results by sanctioning polygamy were largely responsible for that venerable ecclesiast's premature retirement.) Give yourself a thousand points for a correct answer. Reflect deeply upon the signifigance of the Pope's proclamation if you're a Roman Catholic under thirty-one years of age. Bonus: Ariel was the first paperback. Disclaimer: JustMorons.com is not responsible.The Moron's Almanac™ |
MORONIC TRIVIA What did Pope Paul VI declare prohibited by the Roman Catholic Church on July 29, 1968? a. Marijuana b. The VietNam War c. LSD d. Birth Control e. Paisley Bonus: Andre Maurois's "Ariel" was published on July 30, 1935. Why should anyone give a damn?
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BIRTHDAYS July 26 July 27 July 28 July 29 July 30 July 31 August 1 August 2 August 3 August 4 August 5 August 6 August 7 August 8
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