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Almost as reliable as the Farmer's Almanac®, |
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Almost as reliable as the Farmer's Almanac®, |
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Volume 6, Number 6
Wednesday, October 25 - Tuesday, November 7
A very special holiday gift from artist Cody Stromberg to you:
an illustrated Halloween tale for morons of all ages.
Click here to see it now!
Halloween Around the World |
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THE MORON'S CALENDAR October 25 October 26 October 27 October 28 October 29 October 31 November 1 November 3 November 4 November 5 November 6 November 7
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The frenzy of last-minute Halloween shopping is upon us.
The mail is flooded with Halloween cards. Halloween specials run amok on
television. But before we join in the annual hand-wringing and decry the
commercialization of this spiritual holiday, let's take a moment to reflect on the history
and traditions and the true meaning of Halloween. Ancient Romans celebrated a holiday called Feralia on February 21. It began as a simple holiday on which to recover from the holiday of February 20 (Bougainvalia), and to take care of last minute shopping before the holiday of February 22 (Onsalia). It was, coincidentally, the last day of the year according to the Roman calendar. Over time it became a sacred day in its own right. It became a festival to honor the dead, and like most Roman holidays it involved some serious drinking. Feralia also resembled most other Roman holidays in that it outlasted the western Roman empire. The jolly men and women of the Mediterranean basin saw no reason to give up the riotous holiday, with all its drinking and orgies, despite countless admonitions from the Christian church that drinking was bad (unless it was Jesus' blood) and orgies were worse. At last, in the 7th century, Pope Boniface IV decided that the holiday was Christian after all--except that instead of honoring all the dead it should just honor dead saints, instead of Feralia it should be called All Saints' Day, instead of drinking and orgies it should be a day of prayer and meditation, and instead of February 21 it should be May 13. Other than that, of course, it was a perfectly Christian holiday. The good peoples of the Christian world happily accepted the new name and date, but persisted in drinking and orgying. To punish them, Pope Gregory III moved it to November 1, and unwittingly laid the foundation for our modern Halloween. Since as early as the 5th century BC, the ancient Celts had considered October 31 the last day of summer. They called the day Samhain (rhymes with Clamhain), and they believed all the divisions between the world of the living and the world of the dead were dissolved for that brief period. They thought the dead used this window of opportunity to possess the souls of the living. A variety of bizarre rituals to ward off the dead had accumulated around Samhain over the centuries, including the sacrificial burning of virgins (when any could be found). When these Celtic rituals collided with the Christian All Saints' Day, all hell broke loose. People didn't know whether they should pray, drink, orgy, burn virgins, or what. They tried a lot of different combinations: they got drunk and prayed, they burned virgins and got drunk, they prayed to have orgies and got drunk with virgins, they prayed then got drunk and had orgies with virgins. Eventually they settled on sending their kids out in silly costumes to ask their neighbors for candy. This was intended to keep them out of the house while the drinking and orgies raged, but since everyone's doorbells kept ringing from everyone else's children, the drinking and orgies gradually faded away. Of course, this brief outline only traces the development of Halloween as we know it in America. The holiday is still celebrated in countries all over the world in an astonishing number of ways. In Bulgaria, for example, October 31 is a national holiday called "Bulgerplutz." In rural districts, children dress up as kitchen utensils and dash from farm to farm tying chickens' feet together. Any unhappy farmer attempting to shoo the children away from his chickens will find himself pelted with manure and glass shards as the children sing playful Bulgerplutz carols. In Mexico, the "Day of the Dead" lasts from October 31 through November 2, which has long been a concern to students of the Mexican calendar. The celebration is a fusion of sixteenth-century Spaniards' All Souls' and All Saints' Days and the Aztec festival honoring Mictecacihuatl, the Aztec goddess of the dead. (Mictecacihuatl was said to have died at birth as the result of complications relating to pronunciation.) One can't help but marvel at the similarities between the "Day of the Dead" that arose in Meso-America and Kyrgyzstan's "Day of the Very Sick" (Nov 1), Papua New Guinea's "Evening of the Emotionally Exhausted" (Oct 31), and Rwanda's "Couple of Days to Be Grateful Nobody's Shot Your Ass Off Yet" (Oct 31 - Nov 2). In Saudi Arabia, October 31 is "Sandy Night." As soon as the sun sets, children scamper out into the desert and fill their home-made bags with sand. The holiday is believed to be derived from the ancient Bedouin tradition of sending children out to fill bags with sand. In Chile, Halloween is infused with ancient Incan traditions. Fretful mothers extinguish the fires in their hearths for fear of attracting Spaniards while naughty children take their parents hostage and demand their weight in chocolate. In Wittenberg, Germany, October 31 is celebrated as the day on which Martin Luther nailed his 95 Theses to the door of the church in 1517. Many of the town's children frolick giddily about, nailing Theses here and there with impish delight, while others try to catch and burn them as heretics. Whatever your own tradition, enjoy Halloween. The Moronic FinancierNote: this column originally appeared in The Moron's Almanac in October 1999, but given its obvious perennial value I've decided to print it every fall until 2045. Many readers have expressed concern about the stock market's performance in the month of October. They point to the great crash of October 24, 1929--the original Black Tuesday--and to the milder crash of 1987, which also occurred in October. They wonder if these might be cautionary precedents. I have done some research on this matter. It is true that the market crashed in October 1929 and again in October 1987. I have fed this information into a spreadsheet and created a chart in an effort to identify the trends. The conclusion leaped off the page: the market crashes in the October of every fifty-eighth year. There is nothing to worry about until October 2045; just keep buying low and selling high. (Incidentally, when I say "sell high" I don't mean to suggest you should have a few drinks or smoke a little dope before you sell. I mean you should sell your securities when they're worth more than they were when you bought them. Persons who insist on selling their securities when they themselves are high, or on selling them for less than they paid for them, will probably not require market intervention to damage their portfolios.) However, we must keep our eyes open. Many wars have been declared in the month of October--certainly more than two every fifty-eight years--and wars can have unpredictable effects on the market. Historically, one in twelve bankruptcies have been declared in October. And, most alarming of all, roughly one twelfth of all documented cases of spontaneous human combustion have occurred in the month of October. So never mind the market: watch your health. The Moron's History BookOn November 6, 1911, Maine became a dry state. How a state with 3500 miles of shoreline could become dry in a single day is beyond me, but I can't always expect to understand the historical information I gather. On November 6, 1923, the price of a loaf of bread in Berlin was reported to be about 140 billion German marks. And yet when we think of fine baking, we think only of France--clearly, we have done the Germans wrong. On October 28, 1886, the Statue of Liberty was dedicated at Liberty Island, New York, by President Grover Cleveland. "Lady Liberty," as she came to be called, quickly become a symbol of America, partly because she was such a striking visual symbol of our national reverence for liberty, partly because she had a cool headpiece. The statue's inscription was written by poet Emma Lazarus, and attributes the following exhortation to Lady Liberty: "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!" (Cynics are always quick to point out that construction of the golden door was never completed.) Those masses were given another reason to huddle and yearn for freedom on October 27, 1904, with the official opening of the New York subway. Things were complicated still further fifteen years and a day later (Oct. 28, 1919), when Congress passed a law prohibiting alcohol. Ten years and a day after that (Oct. 29, 1929), "Black Tuesday" saw the New York Stock Exchange begin the meltdown that ushered in the Great Depression. Anyone who wasn't tired, poor, huddled, wretched, homeless, or tempest-tost by this point simply wasn't trying. (On October 27, 1553, Michael Servetus was honored in Switzerland for his discovery of the pulmonary circulation of the blood. Under the peculiar Swiss honor system of the age, he was awarded a crown of sulfur and set upon a podium of green wood, then lit on fire. John Calvin is given a good deal of credit for having arranged these honors, which may have had something to do with his own gratitude to Mr. Servetus for having raised an important theological question.) On October 28, 1793, Eli Whitney applied for a patent on the cotton gin. This is just one of many other historical events I intended to mention this week--along with the founding of Harvard (Oct. 28, 1636), the first use of fingerprints in a criminal investigation (St. Louis, Oct. 28, 1904), and the electrocution of Leon Czolgosz (Oct. 29, 1901, for the assassination of William McKinley). So I mentioned them. Healthy Living NotebookNote: this column originally appeared in The Moron's Almanac in October 1999, but given its potential value to save lives, I've decided to run it annually. Every Halloween, millions of American children die as a result of razor blades having been concealed in the apples handed out to them on their Trick-or-Treating rounds. I have never seen the actual statistics for this annual holocaust, but my mother impressed their general sense upon me so zealously that I cannot doubt her. There's evidence on her side: I was never permitted to eat any of the apples I received, and I'm still alive. Additional millions of our nation's youths are sent to early graves each Halloween by their own failure to look both ways before crossing the street. Of those who are run down and killed by cars and trucks, many suffer the further humiliation of being discovered in dirty underwear. Still more become gravely ill, and often perish, as a result of excessive sugar intake. It's a wonder there are any children left at all, especially when you consider that those fortunate enough to survive Halloween still must run the deadly gauntlet of Thanksgiving, Hannukah, Christmas, and New Year's. The Healthy Living Notebook cannot overstate its disapproval of this dangerous pagan holiday. It is a menace to our children--and, by extension, to our very existence as a nation. We recommend children be locked indoors from sunset of the evening before Halloween to sunrise the morning after. Especially rambunctious children should be tied down as an added precaution. They'll thank you when they're older and wiser--which, thanks to your rigorous parenting, they may yet live to be. Farming TipsIf you want farming tips, you need the Farmer's Almanac®. This isn't the Farmer's Almanac®. This is the Moron's Almanac™. Please try not to get us mixed up: it confuses us and embarrasses the farmers. Thanks. Trivia solution: Ms. Anthony was trying to (e) vote. This was illegal, because she wasn't a registered voter. Registered voters are not allowed to vote. And according to historical records, not a single American woman was registered to vote in 1872! Give yourself ten points for any answer. Double your score if you're a registered voter. Award yourself a fifty point bonus if you found yourself wondering what the hell happened to all those Susan B. Anthony dollars. Disclaimer: All sales final. Some restrictions apply. Void where prohibited.The Moron's Almanac™ |
MORONIC TRIVIA What was Susan B. Anthony arrested for trying to do on November 5, 1872? a. Assassinate the president b. Address a joint session of Congress c. Blow up a joint session of Congress d. Smoke a joint in Congress e. Vote
Have you ordered the book yet?
BIRTHDAYS October 25 October 26 October 27 October 28 October 29 October 30 October 31 November 1 November 2 November 3 November 4 November 5 November 6 November 7
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Previous Editions [Vols 1 - 4 are text-only archives]
