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Almost as reliable as the Farmer's Almanac®, |
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Giving Dickens the Dickens
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Volume 6, Number 8
Wednesday, November 22 - Tuesday, December 5
The Precedent-Elect |
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THE MORON'S CALENDAR November 22 November 23 November 24 November 25 November 26 November 27 November 28 November 29 November 30 December 1 December 4
A great gift for people who love great books.
The perfect gift
"I just wish I had more time to read."
For relief of unbearable urges.
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America seems to be feeling especially ungrateful this
Thanksgiving season. More than ungrateful: the nation seems grumpy, depressed, out
of sorts. Certainly some of the wringing of hands, gnashing of teeth, and rolling of
eyes can be attributed to the awkwardness of our presidential election, but it goes beyond
that. We seem to be in the throes of a collective gag reflex. The optimistic
naïveté that has long informed this almanac's editorial stance seems suddenly out of
place. And since no one else seems willing to be the standard bearer for our peculiar American silliness, I will take that mantel upon myself. Our Constitution and the judicial system it established both rely heavily on the power of precedent. Our laws are built up like sandcastles-one grain upon another, up and up and up into a great big pile. (Except, of course, our laws stand up better to rising tides and wayward toddlers.) Every decision made by every judge in this country establishes a precedent. Every precedent that isn't knocked down becomes part of our body of law. So while everyone else is cursing the founding fathers for their electoral near-sightedness, please join me in saluting their judicial genius. The precedents established this November are going to make all of our happy little American lives a whole lot happier. The first and most important precedent is the courts' willingness to allow local authorities to finally go beyond counting voters' votes and at last begin counting their intentions. Intentions have been ruled, by actual American judges in actual American courtrooms, to be retroactively discernable and legally binding. Sure, it sounds awkward when you're talking about votes in an election to determine the leader of the world's sole remaining superpower--so stop talking about that nonsense. There are too many professionals being paid to talk about that already. Instead, focus on the more important issue: what's in this for us? Well, we've finally done away with the old canard that deeds speak louder than words. We have achieved that enlightened state wherein deeds are easily outdone by words, and words are easily redone with more words. It's a fantastic new world, and the possibilities are staggering! Never again will you have to sheepishly assure someone that the check is in the mail. Just tell them that you already sent it, they already cashed it, and there's no point in discussing it any further. You have more than the law on your side--you have precedent! If dragged into court, you don't have to prove that you ever mailed a check. You'll only have to prove that you meant to: in this magical new world, just meaning to have sent it is the same as having sent it. Case dismissed! I always thought freedom of speech, due process, and equal protection under the law were pretty cool, but this matter of precedents was clearly the founding fathers' master-stroke. I hope the folks who processed my SAT results back in 1982 are ready to take a second look at my test form, because that dimpled bit of paper, when scrutinized correctly, will surely demonstrate my perfect scores of 800 on both the verbal and math portions of the exam. I mean, I certainly intended to score 800 on both tests. Think of what the last seventeen years of my life would have been like if the biased scoring of the SAT people hadn't circumscribed my potential! I'll probably have to take them to court. I've got to get to the bank to explain that my employer almost certainly intended the decimal point on my paycheck to have been a few places to the right. Not that it matters: I'll be saving so much money paying only the rent my landlord intended to charge me that cash flow isn't a big concern. And we all know the IRS couldn't possibly have intended to take so much of our hard earned money. Probably they just wanted a couple of bucks to offset their postage costs and their copy of Quicken. Think long and hard about all the unfortunate misinterpretations that have caused you so much pain and sadness. Then just figure out where it all went awry, correct the interpretations, and drinks are on the house! So don't be a gloomy Gus... step through the looking glass and join me in the wonderful new world of judicial precedent--a world for which we owe more than a few thanks to our founding fathers. And, frankly, that's where our thanks ought to be going this week anyway. After all, Thanksgiving first became a national holiday to give thanks not for our relative wealth, security, or big fat American asses (which is not to say there's anything wrong with peace, prosperity, or our asses), but for our Constitution. In the winter of 1620-1621, a bunch of religiously zealous immigrants camping out around Cape Cod experienced a devastating winter. A lot of them died. It was horrible. But spring came, then summer, and by the time of the autumn harvest things were looking pretty rosy again. So Governor Bradford stood up at dinner and issued a proclamation of thanksgiving--nothing fancy, just the typical crap you'd expect from any governor. "Thank God we survived last winter, thank God this harvest gives us a fighting chance to survive this coming one, thank you for your support in the last election, God bless America, please make checks payable to the Committee to Re-Elect the Governor, etc., etc." The ensuing winter didn't turn out too badly, so the superstitious immigrants concluded that Governor Bradford's magic spell of "Thanksgiving" had done the trick. The holiday was intermittently celebrated for years, with an enthusiasm that depended in large part on the previous winter's weather, until November 26, 1789, when President Washington issued a proclamation calling for a nationwide day of thanksgiving for the establishment of the Constitution. Washington's proclamation wasn't any more complicated than Bradford's. "Thank God we've got our own damn country now, and don't have to put up with a bunch of lousy meddling European bastards. Thank God we survived the Revolution. Thank you for support in the last election, God bless America, make checks payable to Federalists for Washington, etc, etc." Washington and the Constitution both survived the winter, so this new magic spell was also deemed effective. President Lincoln later proclaimed the last Thursday of November Thanksgiving Day in 1863, but President Roosevelt moved it back to the fourth Thursday of the month in 1939, to extend the time available for holiday shopping. Meanwhile, back in November 1621, the superstitious immigrant bastards shivering on the shores of Massachusetts Bay had more to fear than rough winters. There was also the constant danger of savage Indians running amok through their campsite, murdering their men, plundering their goods, raping their women, and being disrespectful of the important cultural heritage the immigrant bastards had brought along from their godforsaken countries. To prevent displacement by these disrespectful savages, the immigrants adopted the best defense: a very strong offense. Over the next two hundred and fifty-years or so, they meticulously expanded westward, until the Indians had nowhere left to go but into the Pacific Ocean, where they drifted westward for years. At last they struck land, spread out, and settled themselves comfortably. The Indians had a home, and on November 26, 1949, the sovereign democratic republic of India was founded. If you're still not feeling grateful, please advance to the Moron's History Book at once. The Moron's History BookReaders
who remain cynical and ungrateful even after having read the featured article in this
week’s almanac might find some tidbits of gratitude for at least one of the following
historical events. On
November 22, 1963, a covert CIA operation privately funded by a plutocratic cabal of
multinational industrial interests--acting in conjunction with extraterrestrial forces,
the Knights Templar, the Rosicrucians, and the Children’s Television Workshop
--succeeded in making it appear that Lee Harvey Oswald had assassinated President John F.
Kennedy. On November 24, extra-terrestrials
used mass-hypnosis to persuade the world that someone resembling Jack Ruby had fatally
shot someone resembling the person alleged to have been Lee Harvey Oswald. On November 25, a coffin containing the purported
remains of the man many Americans believed to have been John F. Kennedy, Jr. was buried at
Arlington National Cemetery. And on November
29, President Lyndon Baines Johnson appointed Chief Justice Earl Warren the head of a
commission to investigate the alleged assassination of the person believed to have been
John F. Kennedy, Jr. Be grateful the CIA, the
Knights Templar, the Rosicrucians, extraterrestrials, and the Children’s Television
Workshop don’t give a damn about you. According
to Biblical scholars, a powerful rainstorm began on November 25, 2348 BC. It rained one inch every ten seconds for the next
960 hours. The only survivors were a
six-hundred year old guy, his family, and from two to seven specimens of every species on
the face of the earth. Be grateful you
weren’t on Noah’s Ark. On
November 25, 1914, Joe DiMaggio was born. In
addition to leading the New York Yankee to ten World Series championships, Joe DiJoe also
got to marry Marilyn Monroe. Be grateful for
role models. Charles
M. Schultz was born on November 26, 1922. Be
grateful for fifty years of Snoopy. Twenty
years and one day later, Jimi Hendrix was born. Be
grateful for music. Clovis,
King of the Franks, died on November 27, 511, and his kingdom was divided between his four
ungrateful sons. On December 4, 771,
upon the death of his brother Carloman, Carolus Magnus (Charlemagne) became the sole ruler
of the Frankish Empire. Be grateful you
don’t have to divide an empire between your children.
(Which isn’t to say you can’t still wish you had your own empire.) On November 30, 30
BC, Cleopatra killed herself. Be grateful
you've avoided poisonous snakes this long. On November 30,
1935, the German government proclaimed a failure to accept the tenets of Nazism as grounds
for divorce. Be grateful for never having
married a Nazi. Jonathan Swift was
born on November 30, 1667, and Mark Twain was born exactly 168 years later, in 1835. Be grateful that not everyone is taking everything
so goddam seriously. Winston Churchill
was also born on November 30, but in 1874. Just
be grateful. Woody Allen was
born on December 1, 1935. Be grateful
you’ve got your neuroses under control. On December 3,
1468, Lorenzo the Magnificent and his brother, Giuliano, succeeded their father, Piero de
Medici, as the rulers of Florence. Be
grateful for eggs florentine. On December 5,
1484, Pope Innocent VIII issued a papal bull deploring the spread of witchcraft and heresy
in Germany. Be grateful you’re not a
witch or a heretic. (If you’re a witch
or a heretic, be grateful it’s not 1484.) Walt Disney was
born on December 5, 1901. Be grateful for
Disneyland. Oh, sure, it’s trendy and
hip to despise Disney as a symbol of the corporate homogenization of American culture, but
would you really turn down a free 3-day pass to Disneyland?
Be grateful that you’re still cool enough with yourself to admit it. Anna Nicole Smith
was born on November 28, 1967. Be grateful
that the online version of the almanac includes pictures. Farming TipsIf you want farming tips, you need the Farmer's Almanac®. This isn't the Farmer's Almanac®. This is the Moron's Almanac™. Please try not to get us mixed up: it confuses us and embarrasses the farmers. Thanks. Trivia solution: Enos was a chimpanzee, and NASA (e) launched him into earth’s orbit. The event took place just seven days after the birth of Mariel Hemingway. Give yourself ten points for a correct answer. Double your score if you already knew about Mariel’s birthday. Subtract twenty points if you didn’t see the connection. Recuse yourself if you did. Disclaimer: JustMorons.com should be served at room temperature.The Moron's Almanac™ |
MORONIC TRIVIA What did Enos do on November 29, 1961? a. Isolated the first proton b. Proselytized the first ion c. Manufactured the first silicon chip d. Orbited the earth e. Swam the English channel blindfolded
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Tried the Moron's Zen-Buddhist Clock?
BIRTHDAYS November 22 November 23 November 24 November 25 November 26 November 27 November 28 November 29 November 30 December 1 December 2 December 3 December 4 December 5
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