DAILY BRIEFINGThe Moron's Election Day Briefing
Nov. 5 - Today is Election Day in the United States, so I hope my readers will forgive my giving short shrift to Independence Day in El Salvador and Guy Fawkes Day in the UK, to say nothing of Art Garfunkel's 61st birthday.
Here in America, as in any democratic republic, voting is a sacred civic duty. It provides the body politic with a much-needed regular enema.
Elections are also important as a source of employment to tens of thousands of consultants, attorneys, marketers, and other otherwise unemployable Americans.
Elections let us hear the eloquent collective voice of ordinary special interest groups and give us the opportunity to be pandered to by fabulously wealthy men and women who wouldn't ordinarily give us the time of day.
Election seasons ensure that we have a regular opportunity to be told what's wrong with us and why it's someone else's fault.
And like everything else in our great nation, our elections are finally a valuable source of litigation. This ensures that, like everything else in our great nation, what had once been settled by consenting adults may instead be determined by lawyers.
Let the world watch with awe and envy as we continue our heroic and inexorable march toward becoming history's first Great Litigocracy!
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In addition to Mr. Garfunkel, it's also the birthday of Javy Lopez (1970), Tatum O'Neal (1963), Bryan Adams (1959), Peter Noone (1947), Sam Shepard (1943), Elke Sommer (1940), Ike Turner (1931), Vivien Leigh (1913), Roy Rogers (1911), and Joel McCrea (1905).
© 2002, The Moron's Almanac