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New York, May 13 -- The results are still unofficial, but as of May 12 the figures seemed to speak for themselves: after six gruelling months of arduous indifference, Moron Party presidential candidate This Moron had received less than one percent of the votes in nationwide taste tests.

"I guess I wasn't minty enough," a visibly relieved Moron observed Friday. "Five out of five dentists wouldn't even recommend me to their patients who chewed cud. I think the utter failure of my campaign is a testament to its integrity. We were honest, frank, and glib from day one, and the voters clearly recognized that."

Moron Party bylaws specify that no candidate receiving less than thirty percent of Moron Party delegates nationwide can run as a presidential candidate for the party.

There are no Moron Party delegates.

Moron said he looked forward to spending more free time with his children and acquiring new hobbies.

This Moron has no children.

The Moron Party Charter

Whereas anyone you ask will tell you everything is a mess; and,

Whereas the people in charge of this mess are those in elected office; and,

Whereas those in elected office got there by winning elections; and,

Whereas this proves that this mess is the responsibility of those who’ve won elections; and,

Whereas this also proves that the best candidates are those who lose elections (provided they do not subsequently win);

Therefore be it resolved that a political party be founded to address this failure of the American political process, and to provide losing candidates incapable of screwing things up any worse than they are already by virtue of their inability ever to win an election.

Let this party be known henceforth as the Moron Party.

Special thanks to all the volunteers who helped
make the primary campaign such a devastating loss.
I couldn't have lost as convincingly without you.