argh

"I have looked at a bottle of body wash in the shower labeled '150 uses,' and wondered what else you could do with it, besides wash yourself."

"Accidentally had the cops come to my house for calling 911 when I wanted to order a pizza."

"I called the airport's Lost and Found number when I lost my wallet because it said 'lost and found' in the yellow pages. I did not loose my wallet at the airport."

"Yelled to the face of a very strict teacher in my school without meaning to."

"I have yelled at people for doing stupid things and found out later that I was the one that did it."

"My career had kept me overseas for several years. When I finally got a chance to come home again, I spent one day watching football and drinking lots of beer with my dear in-laws. We ran out of chips, and I volunteered to go to the (small town) grocery store for more. In there, I met an old friend in the chips/sodas aisle. As we were talking, a gorgeous woman walked in, and, being slightly drunk, I graphically described all the things I would like to do to her. As she walked up next to us, my friend said, 'I'd like to introduce you to my wife.' All I could say was, 'Congratulations.'"

"Signed an anonymous hate letter."

"Said the word 'masturbation' very loudly, just at the time there was a lull in conversation in an extremely busy restaurant."

"Said that it must be cold because the ice is frozen."

"I feel like an utter moron thanks to you. Here's the definition: A person of mild mental retardation having a mental age of from 7 to 12 years and generally having communication and social skills enabling some degree of academic or vocational education. The term belongs to a classification system no longer in use and is now considered offensive. I pray I have a higher mind capacity at my age then a 7 - 12 year old." [Actually, you and I both probably have less mind capacity than the average seven year-old. We lose a little capacity with the passing of every day. Hope that makes you feel better. --ed.]

"I have pulled the television remote out of my purse while on the way to work, in an attempt to call the people I work with to tell them I was going to be late."

"On school spirit day I went to school with the initials of my school on backwards on my forehead in pen because I had done it while looking in the mirror."

"At the airport in Brussels, I exclaimed, 'I think I'll have to kill someone,' after standing in one line for an hour, being sent to another line where I stood for another hour, and being told to go back and stand in the original line. This was in the presence of a number of armed military personnel. I'm glad they did not fully understand English. However, the airline personnel did check me and my baggage with no further delays, so maybe it wasn't so stupid after all."

"I have taken the time to actually read the 'Microsoft will pay you for sending this e mail' chain email. Once, I forwarded it to some people."

"I once screamed 'penis' during a playing of the penis game whilst passing a cemetery in which a funeral was going on."

"I screamed strange things while using the bathroom, thinking I was alone. I wasn't."

"Thought that a person that sold organs was talking about internal organs and told them that their job was disgusting."

"Wondered what had scared a petrified forest."

"I asked a guy who I thought was chewing tabacco, what kind he was chewing. He responded that he didn't chew and it was his prominent under-bite that made him look like he did. It still turns my cheeks red when I think back on it."

"My father told me a story about a tornado that went through a city and caused massive destruction. He proceeded to tell about how a tornado passed through the same city and down the same path a few years later. I asked, 'Did it kill the same people, too?'"

"While waiting for the person I just met abour two minutes ago to get out of the shower, I looked around the room and saw an awesome belt and was raving to myself, trying it on, trying to make it hook. Just as I was taking it off, he walked in and I was like 'Where did you get this belt?! I want one!' He was like, 'Um... It's my guitar strap.'"

"Sang the song from South Park called Kyle's Mom is a Big Fat Bitch in front of some guy named Kyle."

"Once made a statement about the crappiness of public school teachers completely unaware that the man getting his hair cut in the barber shop where I was had previously stated that his wife was a school teacher!"

"Called my teacher grandma."

"In front of her husband, I have asked a woman 'When are you due?' when she was not pregnant, just rather paunchy (and otherwise not overweight)."

"During a job interview I noticed the various family photos of my prospective boss's family behind him. Trying to bond, I asked him if his son (approximately 13 years old, I thought by the picture) was into sports. He glared at me and responded that his daughter was very athletic, thank you."

"My son, Billy, was finally curious enough to ask at age 5 why I repeatedly call him GeddyBilly or his brother BillyGeddy. So I tried to explain how I call them both so often.... blah blah blah... that I sometimes call the wrong one first. He looked at me blankly, so I tried to reassure him and said, 'I know you're not really Billy, I mean Geddy,' and thereby reaffirmed his faith in his mother. Yes, I am a psychiatrist. But is that relevant here?"

"My friend's mother was in the hospital, dying. I bought two cards: a get well card for the mother in the hospital, and a sympathy card for later. You can see what's coming, can't you? Yes, I sent the woman in the hospital the sincere sympathy card. She did recover."

"At a party, I asked someone with an orthopedic lift shoe why he was wearing two different shoes. Talk about a room going silent!"

"I decided to go hog hunting with my brother and my 'true love', which is his his best friend. It was dark outside and I didn't realize we were in a cow pasture. So when I saw a dark spot in the ground I said 'oh a hole' and stuck my foot in it. Needless to say, it wasn't a hole. After I cleaned off my shoe we heard the dogs barking, so we took off running toward the barks. I tripped over a bush and fell flat on my face in to a briar patch. I got briars stuck all over my arms, and no, that is not it, we got to where the dogs were and the stupid dog had a hold of a cow's udder, and when we walked to where the cows could see us we were stampeded by cows, and on the way back I stepped in what I thought was a tiny puddle of water--and fell in up to my waist. Needless to say I made an idiot of my self, and haven't gone hunting since"

"Forgot the name of my girlfriend while introducing her to my family."

"I thought that birds died at night."

"I sold CIEN at $50.00/share."

"I felt like a moron when I called one of my friends that looks like me by my name... really loud... across the room... not on purpose.."

"Once I asked my friend if the clock on her wall actually told time or if it was just for decoration."

"I told an acquaintance that I bet she was glad that her baby would be here soon... Then she told me the baby was two weeks old."

"I thought that the words to the Star Spangled Banner included 'donzerly light' instead of 'dawn's early light.'"

"I am a television news cameraman and was once sent to cover a very important story regarding the death of a very old dog. Upon reaching the location (a house) to record some interviews I spoke to a woman at the door regarding her dead dog. She burst into tears whilst screaming 'how dare you speak that way about my husband you insensitive bastard!" I had got the wrong address and, co-incidentally, the woman's husband had died earlier that day! Do I qualify as being a moron?"

"Talked to someone who I thought was with me, and wasn't."

"One day my mom wanted me to run into the grocery store and pick up cheese. I went into the store and happened to see the pastor of our church in the dairy section. We started chatting and he told me that he had been missing us in church. I told him that we had been going to a church just down the road from us which is Pentecostal. I wasn't sure how he would react since he pastors a Baptist church. By the time our brief conversation was over I was so distracted that I walked out of the grocery store without paying for the box of cheese. I got outside and suddenly realized what I had done. I hurried back into the store and paid. Luckily no one saw me and I was saved from much embarrassment."

"When I was in the first grade they were teaching us square dancing. And we were told that after every dance the boy was to compliment the girl. So after our first dance I told my partner that 'For a fat girl you don't sweat much."

"Standing right in front of the schedule, asked a guy with a lot of medals and such when the bus to the Air Force base would arrive."

"One time I screamed obscenities off a balcony... next to a cop."

"I went to introduce my girlfriend to a bunch of my friends and forgot her name. We had been going out for almost 6 months."

"I was at church and there were visitors and there was a banner that everyone's name was on. I thought it was for them since they were leaving that day, so I wrote 'miss you already.' It turned out it was for a lady with cancer."

"Went through the drivethrough and asked for my order 'to go.'"

"I had just been introduced to a very pretty lady, who commented that she had just had her wisdom teeth removed. So I commented 'Oh, so that's a bruise on your cheek instead of some hideous birthmark.' Whereupon the friend who'd just introduced us replied 'No, that's a hideous birthmark.'"

"Thought fireworks on the Fourth of July were because of the New Year's Celebration."

"Once I was at McDonalds, and I was at the front of the line when I decided I didn't want anything. So I said, 'Nothing please, and I'd like to eat that here.'"

"After viewing the moon, stars and planets through a friend's new telescope, and with great sincerity (and much later regret), I asked my friends where the Earth is... I had only consumed two glasses of wine -- maybe I should lie and say that I was tanked."

"My friend stated one time while lying upside down on a couch 'I could stay here like this forever if I didn't get up.'"

"Kept pulling on a door that had a sign on it that said 'Please use other door.'"

"In my college dormitory, there was a fellow who had been in a wheelchair for the last two years. One day he came wheeling out of the main room and I said, completely innocently 'Hey, Art. New shoes?'"

"I was at the movies with some friends. When the movie finished, the curtains closed and I remarked to my friends, 'Cool, you can see the credits through the curtains.' They all laughed because everyone knows the movie is projected onto the screen and it was simply being projected on the curtains... the curtains were not see-through."

"Played three soccer games thinking my cleats were too small, before realizing that they were on the wrong feet."

"I described my girlfriend's best friend, who happened to be incredibly gorgeous, as an ugly mule's ass. I saw her from a distance! It wasn't fair. "

"Me fail Enlish? That's unpossible."

"I called my boyfriend's phone, and, thinking he'd pick up because it was his line, said a very inappropriate remark to his grandfather."

"Burped in the middle of a speech"

"I woke up one night to thunder, but since it never storms in the area I live in, I thought that a war had started overnight and the loud booming noises were bombs dropping. Worse still, I figured that I could go back to sleep since the only city worth bombing was two hours away. So I did. "

"Got caught lying. Went to Walmart, told them a particular item was $20 cheaper at another store, wanted the same deal. Instead, they called the other store (as I stood there in line at customer service, face as red as you can believe) to confirm other store's 'sale price,' which of course didn't exist."

"Ordered a �150 camera by mail order, moved house the following day, and forgot to give my forwarding address."

"I have spent half an hour trying to open my house door with my bike key."

"Thought that the Louisiana Purchase was a car."

"I've asked 'what does a coconut's seed look like?'"

"I got a watch as a gift when I was a kid, about 15. After having it for several months, I was talking to my parents about how I could tell when the spring needed winding because the bells at school would ring slightly before the second hand hit the exact moment for the bell to ring, and how after I would wind it the bells would ring just after the moment indicated by the watch. My folks patiently explained to me that it was a battery-powered watch."

"I got a 99th percentile score on the math part of the SAT, but I'm still a moron. One day, as I was cruising along in my car at 60 mph, I mused to my wife what a coincidence it was that 60 mph was exactly one mile per minute and that there were exactly 60 minutes in an hour."

"One drunken night in college, at a fast-food Mexican restauraunt, I spotted an attractive female at a table next to ours and uttered something so obscene (so my friends tell me) that she and her boyfriend just got up in the middle of their meal and left. I was done with my food, but I was still hungry, so I asked them if they were going to finish their fajitas. I didn't realize that they had heard my foul utterance, so I didn't understand why they just gave me a funny look and hurried away. Anyways, I grabbed their food and ate it with such gusto that as I was biting into a fajita I bit my thumb so hard that half the thumbnail turned black for a couple of months."

"At the beginning of a two-week training session at a noted professional services firm whose name I won't mention but whose initials are AA, I sprained my ankle slam-dancing at the campus 'social center.' It wasn't because I was inebriated--I was just being a plain sober moron. Hobbled around on crutches for the balance of the training session. Interviewed for a job at the end of undergrad. Didn't get the job, but one of my classmates (a great person for whom I have tremendous respect) did get the job. Four years later, in a graduate school accounting class, I was talking before class with a friend about our experiences coming out of undergrad and mentioned this job I didn't get, and talked about how stupid the job would have been and how much better I did with the job I eventually got. As class started, I remembered that the the classmate who did get the job sat right behind me in that accounting class. I didn't turn around, but she must have seen how red my neck was for the next 75 minutes. Didn't hear a word the professor said the entire class. She left me a note at the end of class that very politely called me an ass, so I wrote back to her (via campus mail) with a huge apology. She sent another note back to me that was basically a tongue-in-cheek lampoon of my apology. I call this story my M.S.G. story: 'Moron's Sour Grapes.'"

"A bunch of friends and I once went on a long bike trip, covering 300 miles in 3 days. At the end of the first day, we settled down to a big meal with large beers at a Mexican restauraunt. At the end of the evening, the young, pretty waitress asked if we would like anything else. I wanted to ask for separate checks, but what came out of my tired, sunburned, drunken mouth was 'we'd like shepherd sex, please.' Only, I didn't realize what I'd said and kept looking right at her."

"After wayyyyyy too much alcohol I made an obscene phone call to my mother."

"I have downloaded a porn photo - set it as 'wallpaper,' forgotten about it, switched on my PC a couple of days later to show the pastor something -- and VOILA ! I became the pervert the pastor is preaching about on Sundays."

"One time I said I would like to be thrown out a window... so a person picked me up and almost threw me out a window."

"Checked the mail on Sunday."

"Counterfeited money, and then fronted myself to the Feds."

"I have asked the same question to the same person in the same minute"

"A girlfriend and I were drinking in a French Quarter bar with a cabdriver friend when we all decided to go to another bar. Our buddy went to fetch his cab, saying he'd meet us out front. Soon a cab pulled upand we opened the front door and both squeezed into the front seat shouting, 'Let's go, Babycakes!' The driver said, 'Where?' Only then did we look at him. We'd gotten into the wrong cab and were sitting next to a very surprised (and happy-looking) stranger."

"I sang the song 'Stupid Girl,' by Garbage, with a live cover band, then proceded to trip over my 3-inch platform clogs while leaving the stage and did a head plant into the middle of the dance floor."

"I told my doctor that I thought he was cute while laying on the operating table."

"I have talked to salesmen on the phone and set up appointments for them to come to my house, while I was sleeping and unaware that I set the appointment up."

"I told a guy running for public office that I hoped he would beat his opponent because the opponent was just a school principal and I didn't know how that qualified him. He then told me that he was also a school principal."

"I had only been living in my new house for a few days, and suddenly couldn't find my housecat, Casey, who always stays inside the house, and is usually found camped out on or around my lap (at least when I'm sitting). I searched absolutely every nook and cranny a cat could conceivably fit in, and still could not find her. Then, glancing outside into my back yard, I spotted Casey by a bush, staring at the house. I rushed outside and tried to lure her in, but she bolted next door, where I chased her through hedges, lawn furniture, vehicles, etc.--like in a Tom and Jerry cartoon--eventually chasing her into the enclosed back-porch of my next-door neighbor's house, where she immediately disappeared. I followed her through the partially open screen door, onto the porch. My neighbor then spotted me in her house (looking for Casey behind a dryer) and naturally enough demanded to know just what the heck I was doing. I had to explain that I was trying to catch my cat, who had escaped from the house. She asked me to describe Casey, and my reply of 'a classic Halloween black cat with yellow eyes and a white Hartz flea collar' caused her to start laughing. She went into the adjoining kitchen and scooped up .... Casey!... and asked 'Is this your cat?' Still laughing, and before I could reply, she told me the cat was hers. If so, I thought, it was an identical copy of Casey. I stupidly thought she was trying to steal my cat, and sort of hinted at that, which she graciously overlooked, while 'escorting' me to the door. I still couldn't believe that cat wasn't Casey, but I plodded sullenly back to my house.... to find Casey sitting attentively inside the house, looking right at me through the glass storm door, and sort of smiling at me in that way that cats (who really can't smile) do. She had watched the entire event while grabbing some rays through the storm door. Did I feel like a moron? You bet, and even worse, I never did discover where she had been hiding that day."

"A stupid argument I had with someone when I was younger was that condoms are lubricated on the inside. I often put my clothes in the dish washer and only realise my mistake when I go to put my cup in the washing basket. I thought I was trapped in a lift for hours when all I had to do was push the lift door. I also thought I was trapped in the bathroom because the door wouldn't open until I realised I had locked it."

"I told an ex-girlfriend about a woman I was in love with, and told her the woman's full name and where she worked."

"A cop asked me how to spell 'youth' and I spelled it 'yuth'. "

"My friend and I were stopping for lunch after skiing all day. As we sat down, the man sitting next to us got up to leave. We both noticed that he had new, really nice goggles, and even complimented him on them. He left rather quickly. When we were done, as we got up to leave, I couldn't find my goggles. That's when we realized that we had watched a man steal my goggles. And complimented him on them!"

"I was at a church dance, sitting on a metal folding chair. I stood up to reach along the table for dirty plates and cups in order to help clear the table. Somehow my belt hooked the chair as I stood up making it look as if the chair was stuck to my butt. I concluded the only way I could get it off was to sit back down. In doing so, however, the chair folded up and I slammed to the floor on top of the chair, making a very loud noise. (If only it had ended there!) I jumped up, very embarrassed. Pretending it had not happened, I continued clearing the table, throwing plates and cups into the trash. I was so embarrassed, I was not paying attention to what I was doing and threw a full cup of coffee into the trash. Unfortunately the coffee sloshed out of the cup (as liquid does when thrown), and landed all over the leg of a lady sitting on the other side of the barrel. She jumped up, startled at this dousing, and looked at me. I held my hand out, palm up, and looked up at the ceiling as if checking for rain... coffee rain!?"

"I used to go to a Jewish day school. Every Friday morning the whole school would meet for prayers which one kid would lead. It was my turn to lead prayers. I was a bit behind on my Hebrew, and there was one section of prayer that everybody went through so fast and I just couldn't cotton on. I thought that if I mumbled it people would be fooled. So I mumbled it. People weren't fooled. The whole school laughed, teachers, parents, students. It hasn't stopped me from mumbling, though."

"I have forgotten how my name is spelt."

"I didn't know what box meant."

"I have mistaken the Gym teacher for a man because of her mustache."

"I used to unplug the coffeemaker and fill it at the sink. I wrote to the manufacturer that there were no marks inside the coffeemaker to tell you how high to fill for half a pot, a quarter pot, etc. Received a nice note suggesting that I fill the coffee pot (which has marks, of course) and use this to fill the coffeemaker, thereby saving having to un-plug the coffee maker again."

"I was sitting at graduation for my brother and a friend of mine walked in. My mom asked me what she was doing there -- her brother wasn't graduating until next year. I said 'She probably came to see that jerk Chris even though he blew her off.' I thought nothing of it until Chris was called to receive his diploma -- his mother and father were the couple sitting next to me."

"I buckled under the pressure and answered 'yes' even though I really meant 'no' when asked 'would you like fries with that?' I mean, I really, really didn't want 'em."

"Once I started celebrating because I won at miniature golf, until I was told that the scoring system works backwards (most points loses, least points wins)."

"I went up to my crush, forgot what I was going to say, got nervous, and barfed on her."

"I was having dinner with a business asociate who is a Mormon. During the course of our conversation, which centered around religion, which is moronic enough in itself, I asked, 'Just why is your bible called 'The Book of Moron?' Fortunately the gentleman had a sense of humour and I could talk fast. Unfortunately, I am not joking. This really did happen."

"I had a phone number written on a slip of paper but could not remember whose number it was. I called the number, and the conversation went like: 'Hi, I'm John... where do I know you from?'"

"I've called an eight month pregnant woman 'fat as an ox.' It was my wife."

"I sent an email to my friend, talking about a scheme we had made up to get the guy I liked to pity me. I wanted to thank her for telling him the story we made up about how I was so upset and so on, 'cause he had felt so sorry for me, and I accidentally sent it to him instead."

"Knocked over 300 candy tins when confronted by Tom Cruise."

"While gossiping with my friends about who had fathered a girl's baby, I remarked, 'Maybe it isn't hers!'..."

"I saw a 24 oz beer sign and asked what an oz beer was."

"I was going to make a batch of cookies for my new husband. The recipe was written for three dozen, so I thought I would just make half a batch for just the two of us. Everything was fine until I came to one ingredient. I called my mother (long distance) in a panic and asked her, 'Mom! What's half of two-thirds?'"

"Asked a tour guide in a cave if we were underground."

"O my Gosh! I did not know until about a week ago that El Nino was a weather pattern... I thought it was a country."

"I was serving mass for my aunt's marriage, and I didn't know when to ring the bells. The priest had told me would cue me when it was time. As he was saying a prayer to himself, I took that as my cue and rang the bells. The entire church was asleep until I rang those bells."

"I asked someone how many times they had committed suicide."

"I was walking through the mall with a couple of friends and on one of those carts where they sell stuff I saw a mirror and all of a sudden I saw myself and I screamed out, 'Oh my god I know her!'"

"I am a 31 year old female. I just found out a couple of months ago that Washington, DC is not in Washington state."

"As a freshman in college, some friends and I went to see Ahmal and the Night Visitors. A few minutes after the show started, I commented to my friends, 'Boy, I hope they don't sing everything in this play!' Ahmal and the Night Visitors is an opera about the first Christmas."

"I had an interesting experience in one of my college classes recently. While talking about Nature and the 'natural' course of things, I attempted to reiterate my point about it not being natural for 'a cow to give birth to a two-headed sheep.' Sadly, I tried to put two versions of the sentence together at the same time and ended up saying, 'it's not natural for a cow to give head to a sheep.' A fun time was had by all."

"As a form of directions, told the pizza delivery guy that my house had a fence and windows."

"Was going to a funeral and got asked in a road survey whether it was for business or pleasure!"

"I got up in the middle of the night, woke up my mom, and told her I drew her a picture (in my sleep)."

"I've called my teacher mom.

" When I first got a computer, when they said 'Just point and click,' I pointed with my finger."

"I asked my teacher a question, but forgot what I asked her."

"I went rock-climbing once at a quarry. My boyfriend was tossing rocks into the water below. He had a large rock and a small rock. And I asked, 'Which one is going to fall faster?'"

"I have asked 'who's calling?' when someone I was calling answered the phone."

"One very drunken night at a local disco (my first time going there), I kept noticing this obviously drunk woman staring at me and I was getting pissed. When I went to confront her I walked into the mirror. I went out to the car to go to sleep..."

"Was arrested for calling a police officer on the phone over and over because his number was on the bathroom stall door."

"Me and my family were all sitting around watching Apollo 13. At the part when they said 'Houston, we have a problem,' I asked my sister which one of the guys was Houston."

"One time I was chatting online with my friend and he typed the letter 'i' and I asked him how he had made an upside-down exclamation point."

"I screamed at someone while I was wearing headphones, because I thought they couldn't hear me."

"I was awakened from an afternoon nap by two Mormon missionaries who simply wanted to spread the 'word.' In my waking fog, I thought it was 7:00 in the morning, and proceeded to lambast them for disturbing people at such an early hour. All the while my wife was in the doorway (I was out on the front lawn by now) quietly trying to get my attention. The two young men stood there dumbfounded and speechless. My wife's quiet 'Honey! Honey!' finally started to register through my fog, and I gradually started to realize my error. By this time the young missionaries had moved on to the house next door, probably wondering if they had picked the wrong neighborood to preach the word in! I mumbled a weak 'sorry' and ambled back into the house feeling like a real moron."

"I was sitting watching a football game, and my friend asked what does the NFC stand for. And I said, I don't know, National Something Conference."

"I once told a bunch of my friends 'I have not slept since I woke up!' And I was serious."

"I was watching a hockey game and it was in the final period. The timer said the time remaining was one minute and thirty seconds. The guy calling the play by play said, 'There's only 90 seconds left in this exciting game!' To this I replied, 'It says right there a minute thirty!'"

"One time I was attending a funeral, and I said of the deceased, 'He will never do that again,' in front of his family."

"Asked someone why they got braces when their teeth are not straight."

"The night my father-in-law died, I told my mother-in-law I would install deadbolts on her doors."

"Jumped on a complete stranger's back while he was walking down the street, thinking it was a friend of mine."

"Once, I tried speaking Portuguese in Hungary. I tried this for five minutes before realizing that Hungarian is not only non-Portuguese-speaking, it isn't even Indo-European speaking."

"Called someone, and while it was ringing forgot whom I'd called."

"I had a blood test done at a veterinarian office because I insisted to them that I was in the doctor's office."

"I have mistaken my reflection in a full-length mirror at McDonald's for my twin brother, and then shouted, 'John, what are you doing here?!'"
[Bonus points for this one if the writer's twin brother's name isn't John.]

"When unable to locate my ancestors (who immigrated from Scotland and Italy in the mid 1800s) on immigrant ship passenger lists, I came to the conclusion that they must have flown over..."

"I have insulted the principle when he was talking to my form teacher, right behind me."

"One time I tried calling my sister on the phone and it was busy for a long time so I had the number checked. I was dialing my own phone number."

"Called myself by the wrong name... Forgot my own phone number."

"I was at a busy train station waiting for my brother to arrive. He was on leave from the Navy and I knew he would be in uniform. From a distance, I recognized him at a magazine rack with his back to me. I slinked up behind him and grabbed him by the throat with both my hands, and squeezed rather strongly. After a brief and somewhat violent struggle, I realized the Sailor was not my brother."