grunt

"I have always tried to do my best in every job I have had and I have been overqualified and underpaid for every job I have ever had."

"Once I was shredding a whole stash of paper, but I didn't notice that my paycheck was in between two pieces of paper."

"On my first day at work I managed to arrive late, steal my new CEO's parking place by nimbly darting in while he was trying to park his Bentley and then actually put my hand up when the entire office was asked 'Who owns a silver Peugeot with the registration number... ?'"

"It was my job as breakfast manager to check the temperature of the equipment. When I checked the temperature of the biscuit oven, not only did I melt the thermometer... but I also melted the styrofoam cup that I had stuck the thermometer through, so it wouldn't touch the oven surface."

"I cried when my boss yelled at me, and walked off the job. Then I cried at a job interview for my next job. "

"Went drunk to a job interview and passed out (got the job)."

"I have forgotten to go to work one day, thinking it was Saturday. I have shown up for appointments a week early. "

"The first week of college I carried all twelve of my books to campus thinking I would need them. Heavy, man, heavy."

"In maths, my friend accidentally sucked the wrong end of her pen and got a mouthful of black ink. A couple of days later, in maths, I sucked the wrong end of my pen and got a mouthful of red ink. The teacher thought it was blood. "

"Walked out on stage during the intermission of a play and begun my soliloquy for the audience 15 minutes earlier than initially planned. Was frantically waved off by director and informed that the curtain was going to be kept open during intermission. Proceeded to curse loudly and vulgarly into the microphone I forgot I had on. Startled grandmother."

"Went to the wrong class the first week of school and received many detentions because of absences in the other class."

"Went to work on my day off -- just because I was programmed to drive there whenever I got in my car. Bad enough? But I stayed because they needed me."

"Told my boss that 'I was born naked and hungry and I haven't lost any ground' when he said there was a need to cut back personnel."

"Was at a board of directors meeting where someone said they would be at the next meerting even if they had to arrive in their underwear. I was asked if I would make the next meeting and I said 'Yes, but I won't come in my underwear.'"

"I have showered dressed and driven to work, only to find the building locked on a Saturday. I also waited several minutes for someone to show up before realizing my error. I bought a pound of coffee on the way home so that I could tell my wife I just 'went to the store.'"

"I was the nature counselor at a summer camp. One day, I noticed a line of bees going into and out of a hole in a dead tree, about 45 feet above ground, far above the top of the ladder I had propped against the tree, even though it was sitting in the bed of a pickup truck. In an effort to reach the entrance to the hive ( I was going to attempt to smoke out the bees, and steal their hard earned honey), I dressed up in four layers of clothing and heavy ski gloves. Since I didn't have a beekeeper's hat, I tucked a football jersey into my collar and attempted to look out of the tiny holes in the shirt as I nailed two by fours into the trunk of the tree. Nail one, climb up a step, and nail another one. This is almost impossible to do, especially because when you're standing right up against the tree on the top of the ladder, you don't have a hell of a lot of balance. And you've forgotten to set the parking brake on the pickup. So anyway the truck slides forward, about three feet, the ladder moves down, the wooden end of the hammer cracks against my front two top teeth, rendering them perpedicular to the rest of my mouth, and I fall on my ass on top of the rest of the assorted metal bee fighting tools in the bed of the pick up. The crowd of witnesses around the truck enthusiastically approved of the entire spectacle."

"Worked at Raytheon."

"One day at work I kept hitting my head on the same damn box. I had to work in this small area and never bothered to make more room for myself. I ended up with a huge bruise on my forehead."

"I went to work one day wearing mismatching shoes. They were both of a brown shade and both had laces, but otherwise were quite different styles. I never noticed until that afternoon when, during a small meeting, a co-worker asked why I had on two different shoes."

"I have caught my bare toes underneath the door at a business meeting!"

"I accidently sent an e-mail entitled 'You know you're a redneck when...' to a principal at my firm. I tried to unsend it, but the message title and my name still showed up on the e-mail."

"I wore my skirt inside out to work and no one told me: I discovered my error at 5:00 as I prepared to go home."

"I accidentially told my band director's wife that I hope their kids have his butt."

"At work I had to set the tables for our lunch hour, and since we have different settings for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, I had to use the right sittings. Well I set about 60 tables, but not with the lunch setting. I used all three... some of everything. I had only 10 minutes to fix them back to the original plan. "

"Gone to work on a daily basis. To pay for a bunch of crap that I never really needed. If I did need it, it broke."

"I work at a computer lab. I was reading this document and had the roller mouse thing set to scroll slowly so I could read it without having to scroll. I thought about how ironic it would be if someone asked for help and I left and forgot about the scrolling. So, of course someone came for help and I forgot about the scrolling, forgot where I was in the document, and forgot I had been talking to my brother on the computer and had just left for ten minutes. Then a little bit later I did it again."

I usually wear my jeans for a few days before I wash them. One day, a pair of underwear fell out of the bottom of my jeans while I was at work (in a busy restaurant)."

"I was at a council meeting and suggested we have Superbowl Sunday off from school."

"I just got out of my car to cross the parking lot of my work. I saw an oncoming car which I thought was a coworker of mine. I acted like a police officer stopping oncoming traffic, and this car came to a complete stop before I realized it was not a coworker of mine... I waved her on and headed up to work trying to put it out of my mind."

"My senior year in high-school I took an hour out of my day to be a Teacher's Aid at an elementary school. Years later at a restaurant I saw the teacher that I helped. We said our hellos across a crowded room and then I blurted out the question, 'Do you still have aids?' It was a very uncomfortable experience."

"I have gone to work when not scheduled, and worked two hours before noticing."

"I work at a daycare in the infant room. The babies sleep in a different room, and we use a monitor to hear them when they are awake. One day this baby was awake but not crying so I was going to leave him be to see if he fell back to sleep. I walked back into the room to tell my co-worker that he was awake but not crying. Instead I said 'He is awake but not sleeping.' She asked 'what?' I again said, 'He is awake but not sleeping.' She just said 'Whatever.' I walked out of the room and realized what I had said. I never felt so dumb in my life"

"One day at work I opened my bottom desk drawer to get my purse and forgot to close the drawer. I tripped over it and fell on the floor."

"It was the first few weeks of basic training and I was rather irritable. I realized quickly that I didn't like waking up early, nor being screamed at constantly, nor being denied nicotene, booze, women, and horseradish. One early morning before our traditional run through the mud, I looked around and my helmet was gone. I started asking the gomers if they had seen it and the typical response I received was laughter. This, naturally, made me violent and I began screaming that I would strangle the miserable fuck that had possession of my helmet. This was met with a barrage of laughter. At last one of the teary eyed soldiers pointed to his head. Which led me to touch my own head. Upon which rested my helmet."

"I have a dress that buttons down the front. One day at work the buttons popped open from the top of my stomach down. I didn't notice until a customer told someone I worked with and she told me."

"When I worked for a pizza joint, I overheard the manager saying something about how he could steal so much money from the company.... if he wanted to. Being friends with the guy, I said (very loudly) 'Oh man, I've heard your plan! I smell a blackmail!' Here's the kicker: at that exact moment (without me knowing) a black male was walking up to the counter.... and there was me.... yelling 'I smell a blackmail!'-- my face must have been pretty damn red. The following is also true: I once thoght it would be a great trick to ride a kneeboard behind a boat using no hands! The people in the boat didnt think it was neat when they looked back and saw me being pulled by putting the rope arond my neck... they were horrified... and once again, my face was pretty damn red."

"I have gotten my ripped pantyhose stuck in my car door and walked all the way into work attached to my door."

"I am a waitress and once a offered a couple creamed penises instead of creamed peas."

"I was talking about someone in an email to another person and I hit the reply to all button by accident.... it went to the person I was talking about. (Nothing too bad was said but it was still embarassing!)"

"During my shift at an all night restaurant, I was setting up the dining room after the bar rush crowd had left. A lone gentleman sat and visited with me, joking back and forth, while I worked. I left the back area to pick up some slack in the front work stations, the man came from the back shortly after, went to the register to pay his bill, asked me what he owed, and I joked 'What's the matter, can't you read?' 'Honey,' he said, 'if I could read, then I wouldn't need this cane!' The man was blind....."

"Got up really early and went to work, only to find that no one was there. It was a day off."

"The day I started a new job, I was backing out of the parking space to go to lunch, and I backed right in to my new boss's car..."

"Well, I am kinda embarassed to talk about this , but anyway, I started a new job in a bank and on the first day my boss took me to lunch, along with three other people, and since I have a sport utility vehicle we decided we would all ride together. My boss was in the front seat, with me driving, and as I was backing out of my parking space, I backed in to his brand new car he had just gotten the day before. I thought I was going to die. Now each and every time he sees me, he calls me Crash! He will never let me forget that on my first day of work I did $4350 worth of damage to his new car! Unfortunately this is a true story: you can call the ----- ----- police department to verify it."

"I have asked a patient to 'have a shit' instead of 'have a seat.'"

"I have worn two different shoes to work and not noticed until someone pointed it out to me."

"Thinking that one of my little brother's friends was on the phone, I started to make fart sounds. It wasn't his friend: it was his boss."

"During a job interview, I told my potential employer about the voices inside my head."

"I trip myself every day at work, every few hours, because my shoes are too big."

"I was at my new job, waiting for the boss to come in, and this guy is next to me holding a broom. He says to me, 'You're new here, right?' I replied, 'Yes, and already I know I'm not going to like it. This place is filthy. Doesn't anyone clean it?' He moves his broom and says, 'I try my best.' Talk about a shoe in the mouth! I had on a thigh-high that day!"

"I have screamed obscenities (while watching a sports event) in the immediate vicinity of my very religious boss, and his young child. He was not amused."

"I have mistaken the gender of the person on the phone (I work in customer service). When I say, 'Is there anything else I can help you with, sir?' I get 'I am a ma'am, not a sir.'"

"Copied the blank back side of each page of a fifty page document. Several times. Not the same document at the same time. I think."