Just Morons
True Tales

  • "Stapled my thumb twice while reloading a stapler.  And jammed a small pair of scissors into my knee.  Leave my love life out of this."

 

  • "Stuck a curtain hook through my finger."

 

  • "Drilled a hole in my fingernail to see how it would feel..."

 

  • "I stuck my hand in the mixmaster bowl to steal some cream while it was running and got my hand ripped in between the two blades.  Broke no bones but lost a few healthy chunks of skin..."

 

  • "I was bitten by a swan and it was completely my fault."

 

  • "We 'doctored' our son with baking soda and vinegar for bee stings, a really bad combination.  (He is ok, though.)"

 

  • "I was in gym class and we were playing volleyball, and I thought I was short enough to run under the volleyball net.   I went running up to the net and bam!
    I got clotheslined.  I got lines all over my forehead."

 

  • "Poured boiling water on an electronic device, more specifically my toaster."

 

  • "I have electrocuted myself at least four times that I can remember.  The most recent time was when I was playing bass in a rock band and I had too much too drink and I thought it would be funny to fake an electrocution by sticking my finger in a lightbulb socket.  I was shocked (pun intended) to find out that the socket was 'hot'.

 

  • "When I was a kid someone was throwing rocks at me so I started throwing back.   But I was hiding behind a door with a window in it and forgot to open the door before throwing my rock.  My hand went right through the glass."

 

  • "My sock was rolled down on my ankle, and that was uncomfortable. I bent at the waist (to reach down to it) and then lifted my knee up.  This caused my knee to hit myself, giving me a bloody nose."

 

  • "In my elementary school days, my parents took my brother and I to Sea World of Ohio, where I took in the lumberjack show.  Returning home inspired, I decided to emulate these tree-scaling he-men by tying my belt around my closet's clothesbar and climbing the wall.  Since I didn't have enough slack to fasten the other end of my belt around my waist (as the lumberjacks did with theirs to climb a pole), I tied it instead around my thigh.  Halfway through my ascent, I lost my grip and flipped upside down.  The belt slipped down to my ankles and caught there, leaving me swaying upside-down from my clothesbar.  I called for my younger brother to fetch our dad.   He did, leaving the room in such haste that the open bedroom door slammed into the closet door, forcing it shut and impeding my swaying to such an extent that I began to ricochet between the door and the back wall of the closet -- Bam! Sway...bam! Sway...bam!...etc.   I continued on this way until my father opened to door to closet and, despite his best efforts I am certain, broke out into laughter.  I have never quite recovered."

 

  • "I crawled under a house to pull an electrical cable.  While pulling I noticed some red tape on it.  I thought I put the red tape there by mistake: that cable I knew was not live.  But curiously it was too long!  So I cut it with metal snippers.  Flash and shock! That cable was live (that's why it had red tape).  I'd been pulling the wrong cable."

 

  • "I set my arse on fire while trying to fix a lawnmower."

 

  • "I had a halter top on and this bumble bee landed on my sholder...  and it itched so I pressed my shoulder against my cheek then ended up with a bulge on my face."

 

  • "I'm just a normal senior.  When I was at lunch this guy called me weak, so I challenged him to arm wrestle.  He popped my arm in three different places.  I later found out that he was the captain of the wrestling team."

 

  • "I wanted to get my ear pierced but I didn't want to pay any money.  So I was gonna pierce it myself.  I used a little staple and it got stuck in my ear.   When the doctors took it out, I went deaf in that ear.  I also got hit in the head one time with a ball."

 

  • "I have removed the spring which holds up the hood of a car while my head was still under it."

 

  • "I put lighter fluid in my mouth to blow a flame while I was a passenger in a vehicle which was in a forward motion.  When I stuck my head out the window with the flame erupting from my mouth, the wind blew it back in my face and gave me second degree burns."

 

  • "My cousin was sitting across from me in a restaurant.  To tease me he pretended he was going to poke me in the eye.  I didn't blink, he misjudged, and my eyeball practically hit the back of my skull."

 

  • "Got my head stuck in a beehive."

 

  • "I have stuck my head in a toilet and flushed, you know this as a 'swirlie.'"

 

  • "I got me bum caught in me fly instead of me wanker."

 

  • "I was stapling stuff to the wall, and I wasn't sure if there were any staples in the stapler.  So I tried it on my hand."

 

  • "Punched and broke a mirror in the drunken belief it was someone I didn't like."

 

  • "I have stapled my own finger."

 

  • "I have nearly blinded myself while telling a story because I got a little too animated and nearly took out my own eye...  this was before the drinking started."

 

  • "I fell asleep in church and my arm slipped out from under my head, which banged on the metal fold-out chair in front of me.  The whole congregation turned around and stared at me."

 

  • "Me and my friend thought it would be cool to buy training nunchucks becouse we thought they wouldn't hurt.  Well they did, and the sad part is that we still kept beating each other with them...  till the foam came off and I got womped by a hard piece of plastic."

 

  • "While partying in the infield at the Indy 500 one year, I was on top of some scaffolding built on top of a pickup truck.  I was a little drunk and decided to get down to use the restroom.  While I was climbing down my pants got caught on a piece of metal and left me dangling in front of about 30 to 40 people.  Needless to say, after they had a good laugh I had to be lifted off the metal."

 

  • "I have sprayed Lysol on my hair instead of hairspray!"

 

  • "The lighter I was playing with broke.  Some of the fluid spilled on my arm.   I decided to keep playing with the lighter.  Some of the sparks got onto my arm and lit it on fire.  I lost all of the hair on my arm."

 

  • "I have poked myself in the eye with a granola bar.  I have dived into the floor."

 

  • "Once, when I was about twelve, I was at my aunt's house at the beach for a few days.  There were a lot of bugs that summer.  This was back in about '71 or so and back then the tops of 'Raid' or 'Black Flag' cans were quite neo-space-age Madison Avenue-looking things.  Far too complicated for my moronic little ass, anyway.   So, I spy an ugly bug on the wall of the garage, sneak up on it vewy, vewy, qwiet...  line up the sights on the top of the spray can...  I got this bug dead on...  and you guessed it, sprayed myself right in the eye!"

 

  • "I was at a bonfire and set myself on fire.  I didn't realize it until people started smacking me."

 

  • "Tried to use a cat for a pillow."

 

  • "I got drunk at a bar and volunteered for whipped-cream wrestling, slipped, fell and cracked my sternum on the edge of the wrestling ring."

 

  • "I gave up smoking but in a mad rush one day, thinking that I had a cigarette in my mouth I lit my nose instead."

 

  • "I have applied deep heat cream to my genitals when I had thrush instead of canestan fungal cream."

 

  • "I looked at my watch and spilled coffee down the front of my pants."

 

  • "I have lit my beard on fire trying to light a cigarette."

 

  • "I was walking in the woods once,when I was a kid.  For some reason, I had a driveway ice-cracker.  As I was walking along, the pick got stuck in the ground and I walked square into it and got it in the nuts."

 

  • "I have bashed my head against a wall because my parents said to if I was so bored!"

 

  • "I have set my hair on fire (on several occasions), while attempting to create a culinary masterpiece (while drunk)."

 

  • "Fell off roof while putting up Christmas lights."

 

  • "Applied Vicks-Vaporub to inflamed hemorrhoidal tissue"

 

  • "I was at my summer drama camp and had this 'great part' in which I got to run to the edge of the stage and curse.  On the night of the preformance I was running and getting ready to say my favorite line when I ran a bit too far--off the stage and into the piano.  I was unconscious for the next ten minutes."

 

  • "I was camping.  It was raining out, so me and my best friend decided to cook marshmallows on the trailer's propane stove.  We used knives as skewers, and for some reason later on I felt the strangest urge to touch the blade of the knife.  So I did."

 

  • "After putting the cake in the oven, I was finishing off the cake batter remaining in a large, heavy mixing bowl.  At first I used my fingers, like any normal person might.  Then, like a good moron, I decided to speed things up by picking up the entire bowl and licking directly out of it.  I underestimated the weight of the bowl, hefted it clumsily, and now I have a chipped tooth to show for the effort."

 

  • "I had asked for a tube of Preparation H, and was instead handed Ben-Gay. I applied it without looking."

 

  • "I kept poking at my eye trying to get my contact lens off.  It was not on my eye."

 

  • "One day after I got my nails done, I was leaving the house of the girl that did them, and I was examining them to see how good or bad they were, and I ran smack into her glass door. I had a red spot on my forehead for the next two days."

 

  • "Got married in the Virgin Islands, and on the evening of our wedding night after the festivities, I decided to go out on the patio to see the beautiful starry night, and in my haste walked at a rather fast pace smack into the patio door which I thought was already open! Flew backwards, landed on my back, split my lip, and bloodied my nose. In the morning at breakfast in the hotel, with my nose swollen and my lip the size of a grapefruit, I was unable to eat any solid food and had to ask for a fruit shake. EVERYONE in the place was making jokes about the newlyweds' romantic wedding night."

 

  • "Knocked myself out."

 

  • "I was running late one day, and I still needed to shave.  To save time I decided to shave with no water or shaving cream."

 

  • "When I was around 10 or 11 years old, some friends were playing in our yard, and there was an old blanket there, so I put it over my head and ran as fast as I could.   I ran smack into a maple tree and woke up on my back.  Other than feeling very stupid, I wasn't hurt, and the only visible evidence is a small knot in the middle of my forehead."

 

  • "Lowered my head to get into the car while I was opening the door.  Smashed myself in the face, had a bloody lip that swelled up as I was getting a tissue from the clerk in the store while it happened."

 

  • "My brother made a catapult out of a pile of dirt, a two-by-four, and one big and one little rock.  The idea was, you stood to one side and threw the big rock onto one end of the board, sending the little rock flying.  He made the mistake of trying to use the catapult while standing in front of it and the small rock punched into his forehead."

 

  • "Best friend's baby brother was naked after getting out of the bathtub and slipped off the counter and caught his scrotum on the handles for the cabinet."

 

  • "At age seven, I stuck my hand in a pot of boiling water for no real reason.   I guess I liked the bubbles."

 

  • "I'm very tall, so I've hit my privates on many table corners.  Just walked right into them."

 

  • "I carved my finger instead of the pumpkin."

 

  • "I slammed the car door on my finger, and broke it. (My finger.)"

 

  • "I was standing on a cheap fold-out bed when I fell backwards into the arm of a chair and cracked my head open."

 

  • "I once asked my wife to rub my shoulders with lotion.  My shoulders began to burn.  We realized I had a mild sunburn, and the lotion was actually BenGay."

 

  • "Touched a fire to see if it was hot.... it was."

 

  • "When I was very young I was a major moron. First, I saw a nail sticking out of a board, point end up, and thought it might be neat to 'dance' on it. That's how I learned what a tetanus shot felt like. The same friends I was with at the time later asked me over for Halloween and asked me to carve a pumpkin 'for the dog.' It was a tiny little gourd instead of a real pumpkin, yet they gave me a gigantic carving knife. That's how I learned what stitches felt like. By the time I was ten years old, I was creating my own destruction - I was fascinated by fire for some reason, and whenever I lit candles I would lean over them and usually accidentally singe my long hair. And in a Dunkin' Donuts I toyed with a lighter and some of their waxy paper, not realizing how flammable the latter was. The entire table went up in a flash, but luckily went out just as easily. I claimed it was a mistake, and they didn't even kick me out! I've been better since then, until recently when I was fixing a bookcase which I knew to have a loose top shelf. Sure enough as I was crouched down, hammering the lower section, the shelf fell right on my head and gave me a concussion."

 

  • "As a child I stuck a pencil up my nose and broke off the eraser waaaayyy on up there. (They said one inch further and I would have done permanent injury.) It took them an hour to get it out. Mom still has the broken eraser part in a mason jar somewhere..."

 

  • "I had to get 5 stitches in my hand from trying to peel an orange with a pair of scissors (my fingernails weren't sharp enough)."

 

  • "I have put a cigarette in an ashtray and then picked it up backwards and put the lit end in my mouth and burned my lips."

 

  • "I put the lit end of a cigar in my mouth.  I didn't notice it until my roommate suggested I take it out."

 

  • "I tried to shoot myself in the head to kill myself and hit my foot. True story."

 

  • "I have gotten my finger caught in the garage door."

 

  • "I held the dog's electric fence collar and walked across the wire that causes it to shock."

 

  • "More than once I've taken the potholder in my left hand and picked up the hot skillet with my right."

 

  • "I tried to open a frozen bottle of Mad Dog with a knife, slipped and stabbed the knife through the web of my hand."

 

  • "I was once cooking myself breakfast--beer and a French omelette with cheese--and I was almost done with the preparation stage when I dropped a piece of egg on the ground.   Well, I bent over to pick it up, except I was facing the stovetop, so when I reached down, I heard a loud FOOM!  I stood back up, startled by the noise.  My head was hot, and for a few seconds I didn't realise why.   Eventually (in a second or two) I understood why: my hair was on fire (duh).   I guess this is the kind of thing Sophocles was talking about.  Well, I didn't have time to fill the sink up, so I leaped outside (breaking the glass door) and stuck my head in the rain barrel."
  • "One day while speaking on the phone with a friend I was playing with an electrical cord to my laptop computer. The computer was turned off and I wasn't really thinking, at all, so I was rolling the end of the cord which is small and cylindrical in my hand, tapping the end, rolling, tapping, etc. Well, being that nothing happened through all of this, I continued to not think, and placed the live end of the cord on my lips, still nothing, still no thought, Because nothing was happeneing, still, I proceeded to stick the live end of the cord onto my tongue and electrocute myself. Yep, Saw a big flash of light and couldn't speak for a moment and then proceede to dumbly remark to the person whom I was speaking to that I had electrocuted myslf. Amazingly enough I get good grades,and on student council, run Prom committee, and no one believes I could ever be so moronic to do such a thing, but I did. And if I hadn't been on the phone, I wouldn't have had anyone to ‘witness’ it."

 

  • "My double hung window was stuck open, and I tried to shut it with the handles.   Well, that didn't work, so I tried to pull the top sash down of the open window.   It was still stuck.  I then dedided that it needed all of my strength and weight, so I jumped up and pulled the window down, only to get my fingers caught between the two panes.  I was alone at the time, and had a hell of a time trying to get both of my stuck hands out of the window frame."

 

  • "Went to open the freezer, grabbed the wrong handle, and whacked myself in the head with the fridge door."

 

  • "I accidentaly lit my shoes on fire while playing with lighter.  I further proceded to ignite the carpet.  I got to pay $600 for the damage, and I got second degree burns"

 

  • "Two words: body piercing!"

 

  • "I have grabbed pots I knew were hot and burned myself."

 

  • "I was making my famous jalapeno hamburgers.  I had just finished cutting up the jalapeno peppers and realized I needed to go pee.  Neglected to wash my hands (in this case before using the bathroom).  After urinating, I absentmindedly scratched my butt.  Actually a deep itch in my rectum.  I realized in about 30 seconds that I should have washed my hands before I scratched my butt...."

 

  • "As I was trying to get on a motorized ski lift, I stuck my pole in the ground and half-fell out of my seat with my pole stuck between my legs. They had to stop the ski lift, so I could get back into the seat, as my friends waited in line for the lift."

 

  • "I have set my head on fire."

 

  • "I reached over a sink to grab a bag of chips, not noticing the knife sticking out, and stabbed myself in the arm and had to get stitches. "

 

  • "I shot my sister in the head with an arrow after she (if not more moronically) placed an apple on it."

 

  • "Once or twice I locked my knees while standing at a urinal. Anyone who has been in ROTC or marching band or something of that nature knows that locking your knees slows down the circulation to your brain enough for it to have trouble functioning.   I had to take the longest piss of the century so I was standing there for a while and soon enough... clonk!  I Passed out and hit my head on the floor.  I sued the place for 6 dollars and I won."

 

  • "When I was kid, my dad had installed a cyclone fence around our backyard.  The project took a few days, so of course there were fence parts stacked in the yard, and my father had strictly warned us kids not to play with them.  Being the natural moron that I still am, I disobeyed my father (at least I was smart enough to wait for him to be away at work).  I ran around the yard using a post as a megaphone. I fully enjoyed the experience, even as I started down the slide, yelling at the top of my lungs.  Since the post was a good foot longer than myself, it naturaly reached the ground first, and resulting in a cookie cutter type of experience with my lips."

 

  • "I have gotten my hair stuck in a tent zipper."

 

  • "I have weed-whacked an entire yard of poison ivy while in my shorts."

 

  • "I got drunk and fell out of a tree---because I had a cast on an already broken ankle, which rebroke during the fall!"

 

  • "My sisters talked me into putting my tongue on an icetray in the freezer. It got stuck, of course, and it took an hour to get it off. They laughed their asses off."

 

  • "I got my tongue stuck on the flag pole at the post office."

 

  • "I know that there's a shelf above my baby's bed, but I always seem to hit my head on it after I kiss her goodnight."

 

  • "One of my childhood memories involved the moronic antics of my dad.  He was attempting to fix something with crazy glue, and got some of the stuff on his index finger.  He then proceeded to get his finger and thumb stuck together, which sent him into a panicked frenzy.  He was running around in circles holding his hand out and emitting a strange sound. Finally, he settled down and separated the digits with a razor blade. He did lose a bit of skin over that."

 

  • "I fell and hit my head on a radiator, cracking my head open."

 

  • "Knocked off the top rail of a fence with my chest, resulting in broken ribs, because I was mad at some dogs on the other side of the fence...   Sprained my ankle jumping off the front porch because I was mad at a cat."

 

  • "I barbecued my hand filling my Zippo lighter while I was drunk."

 

  • "After just a few days being in my first apartment, I was cooking some frozen fries in the oven. When I pulled the baking sheet out, I burned the tips of my fingers. My first reaction was to put the burned fingers in my mouth. Immediately following that was the 'shake it off' move. You know, you know... you hit your thumb with the hammer and for some reason, 'shake' or 'flick' your hand. Well, when I did that, my 2 burned fingers hit the edge of the counter top and I broke my fingers! (Hairline fractures, but broken and painful nonetheless.)"

 

  • "Fell off the bed onto the TV when I knew that the TV was there."

 

  • "Samped a door on my one self."
    [I don't know what this means, or even if it does mean anything.  But it sounds awful, so I posted it in case it makes sense to someone in an English-speaking country outside of the U.S.]

 

  • "Opened a cupboard that's bottom was at eye level, bent down to pick something up, then stood up, smacking into the cupboard, knocking myself unconscious and bleeding profusely from my scalp."

 

  • "I ironed the lapel of my blouse whilst wearing it and burned my chest so badly I had a tattoo of the iron (complete with steamhole) for six years."

 

  • "I have sprayed hairspray in my own face thinking it was natural mineral water spray! YIKES!"

 

  • "Every time a guy leaves the toilet seat up at my house I forget to look and fall in!"

 

  • "Told my dentist, a certified Jerk, that he is a Jerk, and did not go to another dentist next time I needed one."

 

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